A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a cute little heart-themed Walmart tin filled with Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies. This is my own special twist on the classic candy vulvas I brought to my Church Christmas Pot Luck dinner a few years ago, proving that “Yes, Vagina, there is a Santa Claus.”

"To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris."

“To: Nora & Jim, Happy VD! Love, Iris.”


Made with waffle shaped pretzels, Rolo candies, and pecans, they are the perfect combo of salty and sweet. And they are as much fun to make as they are to eat. Especially when you get creative with the vajazzle supplies and effects.

A Variety of Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

Vajazzle variety is the key to fun with these tasty VD treats. My favorite look was the “inflamed pustule” achieved with a lone Red Hot placed to the side of each pecan.

The "inflamed pustule" look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

The “inflamed pustule” look. Salty, sweet, and hot!

Ouch! That makes me want a sitz bath just looking at it! Fortunately, it tastes better than it looks.

But for my more mature friends (in terms of chronological age… not behavior), “The Silver Fox” style is sure to please. Who doesn’t love coconut? Especially when it is used to simulate aging lady parts. I said SIMULATE, not stimulate.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

Silver Fox Vulva Candies, for the Young at Heart.

And then there’s the Jennifer Love Hewitt Collection, because nothing says “look at my hoo-hoo” like some sparkly bling and a bit of pink frosting.

Vajazzled Valentine Vulva Candies by The Bearded Iris

I mean, are these adorable or what? Here’s how you and the kids can make your own tray of Vajazzled Valentine Vulvas to take to Grandma’s house tonight:

1.) Set oven to 250° F

2.) Lay out waffle shaped pretzels on cookie sheet.

3.) Top each one with a Rolo candy.

4.) Bake for 3 minutes.

5.) Top each with a pecan and smoosh it down.

6.) Vajazzle (if desired).

Cool completely before serving or packaging. Speaking of which, Nora and Jim, check your mailbox. Happy VD everyone!

Now candy coated with sparkles and Red Hots, your friend,


PS: For more Valentines related fun (and then some), please follow me on Pinterest.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


  1. LifeLessons

    We LOVE the Iris-created Va Jay Jay candies she left on our doorstep today! We especially appreciate the special menopausal version with the coconut flakes (think about it, people).

  2. Mama Donn

    I feel slighted!
    I want my own VJ stuff, so I guess I’ll have to make it for us this week and surprise the queen!


  3. aunt b

    oh, my gosh..i make these all the time, and never once did i consider what they looked like!

  4. KC

    Nothing says VD like a vulva candy with a pustule on it. As some people say here in Australia, “noice”!

  5. Martha (MM)

    Since I thought these were the best Valentine treats I’ve ever seen I reopened the Valentines party for just a couple minutes and added your link 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      OH MARTHA! Will you be my Valentine?!!! Hmmm, I wonder what I can come up with for St. Patrick’s Day… Leprechaun Balls?

  6. laura lee

    inflamed pustule. now that was funny. and painful to imagine. but funny!

  7. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    First time reader here and I am literally laughing out loud. Not just saying LOL, but actually getting strange looks and was just asked if I’m OK. Where to begin? That you ever thought of vulva candies? That you give vulva candies while calling Valentine’s Day VD? That the candies look so much like vulvas? That you bedazzle, sorry, vagazzle them? I love this post. Can’t wait to read more.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Allison! Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed my vajazzled VD vulvas. Think of me when you make and eat them, k?

  8. Amy, LLA_Princess

    i need these hahahaha

  9. Sarah


    I wanted to know if you had seen this before. Seriously nearly wet my pants when I saw the article because I thought of you

    • The Bearded Iris

      Doesn’t Amy know she can just use Red Hots and candy sprinkles? I mean really…edible vajazzle? Fucking brilliant, right?

  10. By Word of Mouth Musings

    Can’t wait to see what you do with a little Ho Ho Ho 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you, m’dear. I wish you a Merry Clitoris.

  11. Susie

    *snerk* I’m sooooo making these for my bestie’s bachelorette party! Love it!

  12. Naptimewriting

    Do you know how often I come back to laugh at this? I told my husband if he didn’t think the Silver Fox vulvas were hilarious, that we might as well divorce. He made some lame comment about not wanting to have later coconut sprinkles held against him.

    My mom has always wished us Happy VD. Now I can make her some visual reminders of just how festive VD can be!

    Happy vajazzling!

  13. Beth

    “That makes me want a sitz bath just looking at it!” That line just made me choke laughing! I’m late to the party, but soooo glad I found you!

  14. Allie @ Allies Clean Plate Club

    These are PERFECT for my friend that just got a job at a local waxing place. Over coffee the other morning, she shared some hilarious brazillian waxing stories. Can’t wait to give them to her!!! LOVE it!

    • The Bearded Iris

      That’s awesome! What a great gift. Enjoy! 🙂

  15. Toulouse

    And now I’m craving tacos. These’ll make a nice dessert.
    Geez, you are the best kind of nuts!

  16. Erica

    This is the perfect afternoon snack project for the 4 (under 7 year old) girls! They won’t have to know the actual name… Then I will wait anxiously for the parents to come home and VOILA! Best valentines prank ever.

  17. Sheryl

    I’ve been reading your stuff for months now but just discovered this thanks to Motherhood,WTF. This is by far the funniest post about vulvas and vajazzling I have ever read. Thanks for my next baking project. Hope the PTA bake sale appreciates my hard work!!

  18. Pamela Foley


  19. Suburbia Interrupted

    Ok. I’m usually against vajazzling anything. If you need to vajazzle, you’re not doing something right. However…I’d eat those! Vajazzle away!!

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