A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

I love the 80s. My labia doesn’t.

Howdy pardners! It’s week 18 over at Org Junkie‘s 52 Weeks of Organizing challenge! This week Laura’s topic is Functional vs. Fabulous.

Last week I successfully conquered my floordrobe (the ginormous pile of clothes on my bedroom floor) and sent tons of goodies to the local thrift store. This week I thought I’d take advantage of that momentum and scoot on over to my bedroom closet for a little hand-to-hand combat.

It’s a bigger project than I thought it would be.

In fact, I’m no where near being able to do “the big reveal.” So instead, I think I’ll just show you the linen closet that I reorganized back in January.

But first, just a sneak peak of why it is taking me so long to clean out my closet:

I’ve been trying on EVERY…SINGLE…ITEM.

Why, yes, these jeans ARE from the late 1980s.
How did you know? The acid wash or the 9 inch zipper?

If you think THAT is bad, you should see the legs…
they’re tapered and end right at the ankle.

And yes, those are cows painted on the jeans. As in “mooooo.”
I know. It wasn’t cool in the 80s either.

And as for the overall fit? Not okay. Downright painful, truth be told.
In fact… if you look a little closer:

Yowza. The things I do for you people. {You’re welcome.}

So yes, it is taking me longer than I anticipated to go through my wardrobe. Turns out I’m a bit of a pack rat! Who knew? But don’t worry, this camel-toe coozy is already at the thrift store. I probably should have attached a shoe horn to the belt loop for the next owner. Sorry, next owner.

Listen, ladies, if you own any jeans that showcase the precise outline of your labia majora, you need to get rid of those suckers. Nobody wants to see that. Well, nobody except the folks over at Monistat. To them, your denim-encased camel toe is like money in the bank.

So anyhooo….

Way back in January, I reorganized my linen closet in preparation for a visit from my mother. Knowing her the way I do, I did NOT want her to see my towels in such disarray:

I knew that if she opened this little closet to grab a towel for her shower, one of the following scenarios would certainly unfold:

a.) she would inadvertently grab the NASTIEST rag I own to use for her bath towel. I’m talking about the rag I reach for when a toilet overflows or one of my kids projectile vomits all over the ceiling. Not cool. I love my Mom. She deserves the nicest towel in the hizzy… not the toilet towel.

b.) she would attempt to organize the messy closet on her own, not knowing what is what. She would then either toss something important or not toss anything for fear that it was important. Long story short, waste of her time and it would undoubtedly piss me off.

c.) she would grab me by the earlobe, drag me to the closet, and force me to clean it out on my hands and knees while she stood over me with an axe, which would be extremely unpleasant for both of us. Wait, is that my mom or just a movie I saw once. Oh who cares… it’s a great visual. I’m keeping it.

Yep, you guessed it: I decided to avoid all of these situations and just clean it out before she arrived. It wasn’t rocket science. I got rid of a bunch of junk and neatly folded the rest.

And here’s what it looked like when I was done:

One thing I figured out a long time ago was to NOT keep all our sheets in the one centrally located linen closet. I think I came up with that when we moved into this house because the linen closet is so tiny.

Every bed in my house has two sets of sheets. Those sheets get washed, folded, and stored as a little bundle inside its matching pillowcase, in the room where the sheets get used. This is brilliantly easy for weekly (let’s just pretend) sheet changes. No hunting about or trying to figure out which sheets go with which bed!

Added bonus: I have more room in my linen closet. And now that I got rid of a lot of the other junk that was in there, there is even room for my vacuum. That was by far the biggest improvement. Before the closet reorganization, my vacuum was always just out in the hallway because there was nowhere else to stash it. Now it has a dedicated home. Everyone in the family always knows where it is and where to return it when they’re done with it. Love that!

One other quick tip – I added two extra large cup hooks to the inside of the linen closet door:

The one on the left is for a pair of scissors. No more biting the tags off of new clothes!

The hook on the right is for a bunch of feathers on a stick. I have no idea what that thing is for but the kids enjoy playing with it once in a while.

Alrighty, friends. That’s all I have this week. I hope your organizational projects have been as fun as mine have been, but with significantly less vaginal irritation.

very truly yours,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


  1. Rochelle

    Haha! From camel toe to linen closet- what a ride!

  2. Michelle

    Wow…great organization and a hilarious post! Thanks!

  3. Megan

    Scott told me to come read this “as fast as I can”. Dear Lord! Who took the extreme close-up?

    Cows, really?!? That was still in your closet! How I would LOVE to get my hands on that closet!

    I recently made room in a closet for my vacuum too. I love it. It used to be out, everywhere too.

    Camel toe Annie:

  4. laura

    there are no words to illustrate my appreciation for the camel toe….

  5. Rebekah

    Those jeans are painful…on so many levels…

  6. Megan

    So glad I had just swallowed my drink BEFORE I read the beginning of your post! Thanks for starting my weekend off right 😉

  7. MB

    FORGET about the CAMEL!

    What’s with the COWS?!

  8. This Mid 30s Life

    Oh my god. I love you!! You actually took a photo of your camel-toe jeans and published it!! Who does that??? Fantastic.

    And you had a pair of jeans with cows on them. When I was 14, I went to a party wearing a long dress with farm animals on it. I rocked. If I remember correctly, I also had a scrunchie in my hair.

  9. T.

    This entire post might be your very best. But you slayed me at “(let’s just pretend)”; I empathize with your self deprecation!

  10. Allysgrandma

    “This is brilliantly easy for weekly (let’s just pretend) sheet changes”.

    Okay no lie this subject came up today as DH and I were making the guest room bed for his brother and SIL who are arriving this evening for Mother’s Day. He does not know how to make a proper tuck at the end of the bed on the side, I cannot think of the name. I told him obviously his mother did not make him change his sheets every Saturday morning and remake it with clean sheets. Yes every Saturday…we did not even consider trying to get out of it and watch cartoons like every other child in America was doing in the 1960s. That is why I ran away when I was 7 years old because we never got to watch cartoons. DH, on the other hand, had more than 1 TV in the house that I swear was never turned off. He says he can remember hardly ever changing his sheets, but remembered how good it did feel. I honestly change them about every 10 days to 2 weeks, when the bed starts getting too hard to make….hahaha….you know the top sheet is too far to one side or the blankets are coming untucked…and since DH sleeps at least half the time on the couch, I figure this averages out in per usage to once a week!

    PS Do you also buy your half and half in the half gallons at Costco too?

  11. oneshabbychick

    Delightful, as always!

  12. Ann Adams

    I’m speechless at the first part, which rarely happens except when the talk is about hoo-hoos.

    But the second part…nothing better than an organized closet that the vacuum fits in! And I LOVE the Dyson, I have two and it makes me happy just to look at them. I’m saving up for the new Dyson Handheld!

  13. Christy

    I knew I would love this post as soon as I read the title!

  14. Comeca Jones


  15. U

    “Listen, ladies, if you own any jeans that showcase the precise outline of your labia majora, you need to get rid of those suckers. Nobody wants to see that.”

    Plenty of guys think that’s hot. In fact, there’s a whole subculture of folks that love cameltoe. Don’t get rid of those jeans; the cameltoe needs to make a serious comeback. 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      What the WHAT? Seriously? You know, I’m used to offending people with my colorful language and impulsivity, but never in a vajillion years would I ever expect that anyone would stand up and defend the camel toe. I actually kinda get it though… what I hear you saying is that you appreciate the female form and the camel toe look just highlights our natural beauty. Bravo for that, sir. My sincere apologies if I have offended “a whole subculture” with my pithy disregard for ill-fitting denim.

      Unless, of course, you like the camel toe look because causing women pain and discomfort is your thing. If so, not cool, dude. Please exit the stadium.

      This post was supposed to be loosely based on the “Fabulous vs. Functional” theme set forth by my personal organizing guru, Laura. Sorry if I didn’t effectively drive home the concept that my 20+ year old cow jeans, albeit fabulous in the eyes of the camel toe loving subculture, were no longer functional for my lady bits.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your opinions! (As long as those opinions aren’t misogynistic.)

  16. Heather

    Camel-toe coozy or camel-toe MOOOO-zy??

    Does your family actually use the vacuum and then put it back or was that for dramatic affect? 🙂

  17. Carrie@MyFavoriteFinds

    That is absolutely HILARIOUS! You get major props for showing those pictures!

  18. Living the Balanced Life

    This is my first time here via Laura at OrgJunkie. Glad she warned me not to have anything to drink in my mouth first. I love you. I love your openess and honesty and you can say things I would never be able to say/write! I am all about being transparent on my blog, but in a little bit different manner, lol!
    I will definitely be back!
    Have you outgrown your pot?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Bernice! Thanks for stopping by and for the lovely words of encouragement!

  19. Jessiejack

    this is hilarious! thanks for the laugh at lunch – found you from organizing junkie

  20. AmyWay

    Oh. Dear. So glad you told me about this at the fancy pants canvas showing. Oh. Dear. You didn’t even mention the cows?

  21. jenny

    Forget the ugliness of the jeans….HOW do you still fit into them??

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha – obviously not very well! Be thankful I didn’t post any of the pics of my ass in them. Even scarier than the front butt.

      • Kimberly

        Heee! You are too funny!

  22. Regan

    You are hilarious! I think you need a pair of CamelFlage! …No really it’s a real thing… what?! http://www.camelflage.com/index.htm

    • The Bearded Iris

      I totally want that. The before and after pics are awesome. I’m putting that on my list along with the Diva Cup. Thanks Regan!

  23. Susan

    Seriously just cried many tears I was laughing so hard! My husband thinks I’m mental, but it was totally worth it.

  24. Kasera

    Wow, did I just spend 2 hours reading your articles, I skipped my workout session ..I guess it’s true honey attracts more flies than vinegar …
    Ok, back on the subject, we recently went for a very prestigious concert and one of the dancers had these lillac tights on with her camel toe all showing ..I was squinting with embarrassment … it was like the song changed to. LOOK at my vijayjay, to the left, to the right..

  25. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    So funny. So brilliant. SOOOO wish those cow jeans were in your possession still. Ellen

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