A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

For best results, Tweet like a ho-bag.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Twitter ROCKS. In fact, it is my favorite social medium, hands down. And no, it is not just for teenagers and assholes, although there seems to be no shortage of both using it.

I could go on and on about why Twitter is so fabulous, but I think I can best sum it up in a little Tweet exchange I experienced late last week.

It all started innocently enough…

It was Cinco de Mayo, and I was just trying to get a wholesome family dinner of tacos on the table before we had to leave for Mini-Me’s softball game.

My ground turkey was a-brownin’ and my cheese was awaitin’. The oven was preheating to warm up the taco shells and it seemed like all was going right as planned.

Until I opened my box of Old El Paso® taco shells and discovered this:


See that?!  THREE out of six hard taco shells were broken to pieces. Now, you know how my (self-diagnosed and untreated) Tourette’s gets when I’m agitated! I just so happened to have my iPhone in my pocket, so I whipped it out and fired off a quick rant to my “tweeps:”

Who do I have to f*ck to get some unbroken taco shells? Damn you again #generalmills! http://instagr.am/p/D5tN9/less than a minute ago via Instagram Favorite Retweet Reply

Sorry, Mom. Sorry, husband. I don’t normally offer free sex for Mexican food, I swear.

It didn’t solve my dinner conundrum, but I felt a little better about getting it off my chest. FYI, the “damn you again #generalmills” is in reference to my previously stated disdain for the General Mills Box Tops for Education Program. Ack, don’t get me started.

Anyheeee, imagine my surprise when I woke up the next day and found THIS in my Twitter stream:

@TheBeardedIris Sorry about the broken taco shells. DM me your address and I’ll replace them.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet Reply

I was SHOCKED. And, um, embarrassed. And a little scared, to be honest. So I Tweeted this:

Holy Taco! @jhagen414 I can’t believe you responded! Now I’m totally embarrassed. I appreciate the new taco shells though. JK about the sex.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply

There was no way in hell I was going to DM (direct message) my address to a total stranger, even as cute as he was in that suit and all. I mean, what if he wasn’t even from General Mills? What if he just wanted to know where to get in line for the free sex? So I cyber stalked him a little using my bad ass e-sleuthing skills and once I discovered he was legit, it was GAME ON.

Would you believe it? He is actually THE Director of Consumer Services at General Mills! Well shut my taco hole!

We moved our relationship to email and he turned out to be really nice! We emailed back and forth several times that day. I offered suggestions regarding their packaging and he seemed genuinely interested in my feedback. Shoot, last time someone paid that much attention to me I was holding a baby in one hand and a pipe bomb in the other. Not really. Well kinda.

Truly though, I was very impressed with Mr. Hagen’s customer service and sincere apologies for my bad taco shell experience. And I too was apologetic for my vulgar Tweet and for losing my temper. Before the end of the day, another upper level manager had contacted me offering more apologies and free replacement coupons. It was awesome.

There was also a very lively and fun discussion on my Facebook profile page between some of my less inhibited friends. I haven’t figured out how to copy and paste it here, so if you want to see it, you’ll have be befriend me. But let me entice you by saying I received this text message from a friend last night:

Dude, I just had to read your whole stream of comments on the taco shells twice… once to myself and then aloud to Ron… so funny we were both laughing out loud!!! As a whole conversation, it was HILARIOUS!

So there’s that.

In summary: I frickin’ lurve Twitter. No where else in my life have I ever had customer service issues handled so quickly or satisfactorily. And for the record, I don’t think it was only because I dropped the F-bomb or offered sex in my tweet, although hey, whatever it takes to get noticed, I’m down with it.

My point is simply this: JUST TWEET IT. Come back tomorrow and I’ll give you some of my favorite tips on using Twitter more effectively!

your foul mouthed and ill-tempered friend and taco lover,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.



  1. Megan

    Now I want tacos.

  2. Julie

    There has been far too much taco talk this week. Enough to last until next May, I hope. 🙂

  3. This Mid 30s Life

    Just goes to show that whole “meek inherit the earth” thing is soooooo old.

  4. Bernie Bickers

    The great thing about soft tacos is the only thing that gets broken is the wind…about 2-3 hours later…

    Glad to see the squeaky wheel still gets the refried beans.

    BTW – Sorry, have to cry foul on the “Box Tops 4 Edjumicashion” rant. According to their website they raised $49 million last year for schools in the US. I agree the whole process is a time-waster, but then again, the company is under no obligation to do anything charitable, so I say focus on the positive. Or look at it this way, a shiny aluminum can or big ol’ plastic bottle only gets you crummy nickel, while you are getting a shiny Roosevelt dime for a dessicated, chewed up, postage stamp sized chunk of cardboard.

  5. Jen

    You are so right, sister. Twitter is awesome!!! That’s how I found your awesomeness.

  6. Allysgrandma

    OMGosh. You absolutely KILL ME! Meanwhile today I was learning to machine quilt and telling stories of how I wanted to make quilts for preemies….AND I won the door prize from the teacher!!! It was an actual container from the Container Store…my first!!! with a tracing pen for tracing the patterns for quilting on my quilts. I was very excited! I have a Twitter account, but cannot remember my user name or password. I may just have to try and find it!

  7. Allysgrandma

    PS We had tacos for dinner tonight, we always buy regular tacos that you actually cook. What is it about the South. ….my California raised daughter who moved to the South five years ago bought those precooked hard things the other day too and was complaining about how stale they tasted! Buy real tacos I said!

  8. Dianne

    Iris, you are my guilty pleasure. I read your posts and have to try and keep from laughing or my kids read over my shoulder and learn all kinds of new vocabulary words. Thank you for keeping it real and saying all the things I never would. Living vicariously, Dianne

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Dianne, be still my heart!!! That is so sweet of you to say. Thank you for appreciating my style and for encouraging me to be authentic. What a blessing.

  9. Danielle@sixtasteschef.com/blog

    This is hilarious. I can’t believe he answered you. Thanks for sharing this awesome story.

  10. Alison@Mama Wants This

    Go Twitter! You should look around your house for more stuff that’s broken/ doesn’t work too well and get that on Twitter too. Who knows what might happen? 🙂

  11. Erin

    That is hilarious!!! 🙂 love it that he is sending you coupons!! hahaha I love it!

  12. The Bearded Iris

    Taco shell epilogue: my free replacement coupons arrived yesterday (5/10/11)!! Mr. Hagen is a man of his word. And in addition, a perfect gentleman…in the bedroom. Kidding! No sex required. Phew! Those were the easiest coupons I ever got.

    Taco party at my house! Whooot!! Who’s coming for dinner?

  13. FiveOGrrl

    Fish tacos? lmao

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh snap! I can always count on you for the dirty.

  14. grace at {Gabbing with Grace}

    your hillarious. your tweet reminds me of that line in Love Actually when Hugh Grant offers up: “who do I have to f*ck to get a chocolate biscuit & a cup of tea?” hahahahaha =) #AnythingForFood

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