A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Wait, let me explain!

So I arrive at the Vacation Bible School planning session the other day, pick up my handouts, and sit down with my two VBS buddies Terri and Kathy. We chit chat for a little while and then I start leafing through the three page legal sized spreadsheet that the VBS leader has put together with all the volunteers’ names and info.

And then I notice this across from my name:






{Sweaty pits.}

Wait, let me explain!

This was in the column labeled “Requests.”

And I did actually request that. Guilty as charged.

Sadly, I guess I didn’t understand the question.

Like when Bob Eubanks asked that couple on The Newlywed Game “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever made whoopee?” and the man said, “That would be in the butt, Bob.”

Naturally, I’m the ONLY mom who made this mistake, because all the other “requests” were for specific BFF co-teacher assignments. “Please put me with Amy Rogers! 🙂 ”

Holy shame, Batman!

But I had NO IDEA it would end up on a public document and out of context like this!

When I entered those words in the request line of the VBS application, what I meant was simply that I thought my kids would have more fun if they had a teacher other than me. I’ve been Mini-Me’s catechist for the past 2 years, and before that I did the same thing for Nature Boy. And let me tell you something, it’s been no picnic, for any of us. I know how great my kids are, so I demand a lot from them and I think I have been harder on them than an unbiased, impartial teacher would have been. So, I did it for the kids! Really!!

But if you didn’t know that, and you saw “Do Not Put with her kids” across from my name, what would you think?

Yeah. Me too.

And now there are about 62 very nice church going moms who think the same thing about me. Just my luck. Good thing most of them don’t know about this blog, eh? Or they’d really have something to talk about!

My friends Terri and Kathy and I had a good laugh about it during the planning session. But on the inside, I was sitting there thinking, “Geez, Iris. You sure know how to make a good impression. Way to go, shit-heel.”

And then Terri talked me into volunteering with her for the very important VBS role of Bible Study Teacher, so now I will get to work with EVERYONE’S children, EVERY DAY, for a WHOLE WEEK.

Now who gets the last laugh?

yours in Christ,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


  1. laura

    you’ll look great in baby blue

  2. Kristen Kotrlik

    Do they also note that you drive a white, windowless van with “FREE CANDY” written on the side?

    It could be worse- you could be like Mom #117 and be specific about the children you only want to be with. That’s far more twatterrific.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks for having my back, beeyotch. I feel better knowing I could be far more “twatterrific.”

      Oooooh weeeeee, what’s UP with “Ms. I Want THESE Kids On My Team?” Notice she didn’t request any of MY kids. {Sigh…nobody wants MY kids.}

  3. Julie

    I like how Do Not Put is capitalized.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you! I know, right? I may not be fit to work with children (particularly my own), but dammit, at least MY grammar is PeRfEcT.

  4. Mary the Oinkteller

    That is hilarious! Funnier than some of the Bridesmaids scenarios (which I saw over the weekend; totally love your review). I would have done the same thing, Iris. I agree with commenter Kristen K.: it could have been much worse! Thanks for my laugh today. Peace.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hey Mary! Welcome back, girl! I’m all about not being the worst. It’s not much, but it’s what I do.

      And peace be with you.

  5. Megan

    The first time I read it, I read it as “Do not put with kids” as in any kids. Ha ha, much better, the way it is. 🙂 shwew.

  6. LifeLessons

    I read it the same way Megan did. We look forward to many good VBS stories.

  7. Mamadonn

    Some of us have known for years that giving your brood a break from mom is the one way they get to diversify. Good job and don’t worry about the other “church ladies”, I think it was all done to death on SNL many years ago.

  8. Heather

    If it makes you feel better, my kids have started to request not to be with ME for certain events! My 5 yr old asked for Daddy to take her on the field trip so my bread-winning husband had to take the day off from work while Mommy went to Home Goods for the day… In case you were wondering, I was MORE than ok with the scenario – a bus full of kindergartners and no booze? No. Thanks.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oooh, what’s your secret? Do tell! I wanna go with your drunk ass to Home Goods while The Gatekeeper goes on the field trip!!!

  9. Ann Adams

    I have to go register my kids for VBS right NOW!

    • The Bearded Iris

      DO IT!! I need some more friends who will laugh with (or near) me instead of at me.

  10. Kris

    I also read this as an instruction to not put #117 with kids at all. If I were a volunteer, that’s what I’d request. I like kids, but only in small groups for short periods of time. I recognize my limits.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dang, what’s up with that? Did you, Megan, and Life Lessons all go to the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Don’t Read Too Good? Was there a group discount for kids with potty mouths?

      • Kris

        Fuck ya!

        • Kris

          Okay…that should say “Fuck yes!” I can’t read or spell apparently–which is totally hilarious because I was an English education major.

  11. Angie

    I used to teach Sunday School. They made me teach my kids’ class. I don’t teach anymore:)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Smart. Woman.

      My background check to work with children is about to expire. Not gonna renew.

  12. Bernie Bickers

    I’m just glad that was your request and not a court order.

    • desinap


  13. kristen

    That.Was.Awesome. And I would have actually searched you out during training. Not to see who the spectacle of crappy motherhood was…but to find out if we were truly soul sisters. 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh bless you, my child. I like to think that is what Jesus would have done too. Cheers to you, soul sister!

  14. melanie

    I just snorted merlot out my nose. Don’t feel bad. Mine would have said “Don’t put with her kids, ever”. Especially after the week I just had. Don’t feel bad. If anyone judges you they should crack open their bible and see what He has to say about judging others. Cheers.

  15. Allysgrandma

    Once again, six degrees of whatever. My mother was my second grade teacher for half a year. I swear she tortured me while being nice to the rest of the students. I also swear my daughters have looked at my husband the way Barbara or is it Jenna is looking at George AND my husband has his picture taken with Misty what’s her name when she spoke at our local college sports fundraiser he goes to every year (and brings home dubious winnings). If I can ever find the picture I will post it on my blog. And to top it off he is still sick with a 3 hour ER visit this morning, and that was after I had gone to same hospital (my former employer) to get 10 vials…yes 10… of my own blood for tests AND an x-ray. Thank God they gave him a morphine shot, it at least let me have some peace after I got him home to bed for several hours……PS It’s just a virus, blood work and chest x-ray were negative. I think they gave him the morphine because they took pity on me (and he had a headache and his pulse rate was about 100)!

  16. desinap

    Feel your pain. They often looked at me oddly and can’t quite figure out my sense of humor. I have been relegated to photographer at Pandamania since it is well known that though I have children, I do not particularly like them. I will be decorating and being kept at a safe distance from the mom’s in higher standing with the Big Guy.

    • The Bearded Iris

      ‘Atta girl! I love a woman who knows her talents and limits! Make no mistake, the photographer/decorating role is THE best job at VBS. By the way, we did Pandamania too. What a rip. That slide show at the end? SUCKS. The photographer job is really important… make sure you get shots of the Wild Bible Adventure part! Our photographer lady completely ignored us. Boo-hiss!

  17. Gwen

    I did the same thing! My kids would have hung on me, asked if we were done, whine…. etc. If they are not with me they don’t have anyone to complain to and have a good time!

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