A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

DIY Feminine Hygiene Tips

Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we? I’m a hairy woman. And it’s gotten worse over the years. Having a vajillion kids really messes with the hormones.

But it’s Tuesday, and you know I’m a giver. Today my tip for you is all about managing your excess body hair. It is swimsuit season here in the Northern Hemisphere, and most people don’t really want to see your short-n-curlies making a break for it out of the sides of your tankini bottom, ladies. Just sayin’.

Everything I’m about to share with you I’ve learned personally from trial and error.

It all started when I noticed my first chin hair over a decade ago. Now I have a full-fledged beard. And my eyebrows are migrating for the motherland. I actually cut myself shaving the other day…my toe. Seriously. If I ever have to spend time in the hoosegow or a traveling circus, I am going to be one popular mamacita.

Annie Jones toured with P.T. Barnum’s circus in the 19th century.

I’ve tried myriad things to manage my facial hair. I’ve waxed it. I’ve bleached it. I’ve used creams that burn, irritate, and cause temporary facial paralysis. I’ve even tried laser hair removal, but to no avail. So now I just pluck, when I remember, or when one of my martini olives gets accidentally speared on my ‘stache. I also tend to wear very low cut tops.  I find that people don’t really notice (or mind) my goatee when they are staring at my sweater puppets. Try this. It works.

Now, as for the bush, that is a different matter. It takes a lot more time and effort to keep my lady garden tidy. What can I say? My father’s ancestors are from Eastern Europe. Body hair protected my people from freezing to death on the Russian tundra. Less of an issue for this little ol’ Southern Belle. And besides, too much body hair makes my camel toe look fat.

I saw Dr. Oz on the Oprah show a few years ago and he was answering all kinds of embarrassing questions from the ladies in the audience. Well, one of the guests was asking about the Brazilian Bikini Wax, and Oprah was riveted! You know that face she makes like “Aw, HAYLE no! (Am I supposed to do that?)”?? It was the same face I made when I found out that ladies are having their buttholes bleached.

“WHAT the WHAT? ALL the hair? Even the butt hair???…. And women pay a stranger to do that? Seriously?”

Well Dr. Oz said that the real evolutionary purpose of pubic hair is to absorb odor and disburse pheromones to attract a mate. I’m picturing a furry cave lady not-so-subtlely wafting her scent in the direction of the caveman football team. Maybe if Ashley had tried this, Bentley wouldn’t have left The Bachelorette so early.

Personally, I prefer a freshly washed goodie basket any day of the week. I think that was the same episode when Dr. Oz called the vagina a “self-cleaning oven.” Um, excuse me, Dr. Oz…I don’t know what kind of fancy-ass-8-burner-Viking-style-stainless-steel-range-and-cooktop-combo you’ve got going on in your condo, but here in my modest suburban prison, the self-cleaning oven still needs a pretty regular spritz of EASY-OFF®, if you know what I mean.

So yes, back to my undercarriage. I’ve tried just about everything down yonder. I’ve shaved it: ouch. Waxed it myself: too hard. Plucked it: tedious. Spent the big bucks on a Brazilian Bikini Wax: humiliating. Gone native: Sas-crotch.

What is a hairy and harried mother of three to do? I don’t think my husband really cares. He’s just happy to get something once in a while…he’s not going to complain about the groundskeeping. But still, you attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. Wait. Let’s try that again. It’s called curb appeal, people. If your body is your temple, your foundation shrubbery should not be ignored.

Well, imagine my delight at finding a new hair removal product that I can use at home, by myself, that only takes about 10 minutes, for pennies on the dollar? Brace yourself.  This is a beauty secret that you definitely won’t hear at the Curl Up and Dye hair salon.

I have recently started using Magic Cream shave depilatory. Made by SoftSheen-Carson, this razorless beard remover is “formulated exclusively for black men.” Don’t adjust your screen. There is nothing wrong with your eyes. Yes, this is a cream made for the faces of black men, and yours truly is slathering it on my white, female, naughty parts. And since it is gentle enough for faces, you can put it EVERYWHERE down there and get results just like a Brazilian or Hollywood style wax job. Butt-hair, be gone!

How in the world did I discover this, you ask? Well, one of my very good friends (who would like to remain nameless) told me about it. She discovered this gem from a discussion board on one of the parenting web sites! And you thought we were exchanging organic carob chip cookie recipes and ideas for regimenting our children’s sleep schedules. Think again, honey. Women of the 21st century are swapping hygiene and grooming tips for their battered beavaroonies on babycenter.com. Gawd, I love the Internet.

So a 6 oz. tube of Magic Razorless Cream Shave* costs about $3-$4, but I just saw that you can bid on it by the lot on eBay. Wow, the secret must be out if people are auctioning this shit in bulk. Me? I’m not much of an Internet shopper. Besides, I really have a lot of fun buying this stuff at my local mega store in person. It is some good clean fun to buy a product that looks like this:

…in one of the most red-necky places on Earth.  Don’t you just love antagonizing the white supremacists bagging your purchases at the Walmart? Oh Lordy. It just doesn’t get any better ‘an ‘at.

Here’s what you can expect if you try this product at home:

  • It smells a little like a bad perm, but not overwhelming.
  • You need to keep it on for about 5-10 minutes (for me, closer to 10)…make sure you have a book or magazine to read while you wait for the Magic to happen.
  • LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR. If your kids barge in they are going to freak the freak out. “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.
  • To remove: use a washcloth and some elbow grease in the shower.

One other thing to note: the magic only lasts for a few days, and the stubble is not pleasant. But like my anonymous friend says, “You don’t get the up-do three days before the prom. Magic Cream your crotch on a Friday morning and set the tone for the whole weekend.” Oh. Yes. She. Did.

That girl is somethin’, ya’ll. If you ever find a friend who will share a beauty tip like THIS, never let her go.

Alrighty then. You are armed and fabulous. Go take care of bidness, ladies!

I share, because I care.

-Leslie (aka “Iris”)

*affiliate link to my Amazon store. 

VOTY HonoreeAmended: Thank you so much to the members of the BlogHer VOTY Committee who enjoyed this post enough to name it one of the 2012 Voices of the Year in the Humor Category! I am truly honored!


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. Kris the Colts Fan

    Oh.my.gawd! This arguably may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. And I needed to laugh. I was crying (in a bad way) before I logged on and now I don’t care that I’m losing my job after 19 years. Thank you. I love you.

    Going hairless soon, thanks to you…..

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Kris, sorry about your job. Glad I could help in some way. Just remember: when God closes a door, He opens a window…and a tube of Magic Cream.

      • jinnie


  2. laura

    use the husband’s credit card for some passive aggressive fun. i HEAR that’s been done before… from a friend. that’s what she said anyways.

    • The Bearded Iris

      …to buy it by the case on eBay, or to scrape it off your b-hole? Inquiring minds want to know! Ask YOUR FRIEND and get back to us!

  3. laura

    i HEAR that the directions on the back recommend using a credit card or spatula. I will ask HER to check the tube to be sure.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Clearly I need to read my directions more closely! Ask HER if I can use a Pampered Chef Nylon Pan Scraper in lieu of a credit card or spatula.

      • Sassy

        Good Lord, woman… I’ve given birth to three children. I can’t laugh this hard without peeing my pants a little. Give me a break, here!

  4. Dawn@LightenUp!

    Wow! What great news! I am a shaver me-self, forever worrying about whacking off (TWSS) a, er, part of my body that contains a tremendous amount of nerve endings! You may have saved my (sex) life here.
    Also you=the funniest writer I have ever met. You WILL be famous someday. Know it.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I love that you use “TWSS” in acronym form, just expecting that I’ll know what it means. Which of course, I do. Happy to help your tingly parts stay intact. My gift to you!

      Thank you so much for that glowing endorsement!!! From your keyboard to God’s eyes!

  5. Julie

    You’re on a whole ‘nother level, sister. I want to read parts of this out loud to someone, but I’m home alone with three kids and that’s just not gonna work.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Are you sure you don’t mean “hole” ‘nother lever? In related news, I just tweeted about my butt-hair.

  6. Danielle@sixtasteschef

    Okay, I laughed out loud when I reached

    “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.

    Thanks for making me laugh, and for the valuable ‘groundskeeping’ advice!

  7. Kate Yarris

    That is awesome. I’m a shaver, and every once in a while I’ll use my hubby’s electric razor (Shhh…don’t tell). My daughter asked from the other side of the bathroom door recently, “Mommy, why are you using Daddy’s shaver?” I told her that I had to shave because my moustache was getting too thick. She bought it. For now.

  8. Cate

    You are BEYOND HILARIOUS. That is all.

  9. Heather

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I was having the S-H-I-T-T-I-E-S-T day EV-AH (we don’t actually use “r”s up here in Maine) and you made me smile and then actually spit some of my lunch out… I feel SO MUCH better!!

    And, in the spirit of “Just the Tip Tuesdays” – for you shaving ladies, in order to avoid razor burn in your nether regions, rub some Desitin on the area after shaving (figured that one out after my kids were out of diapers and I still had 17 unused tubes layin’ around!).

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well that just makes perfect sense! They should have a new ad campaign… “Desitin…also for your front butt!” or “Desitin…not just for kids.” or “Desitin…you’re never too old for a smooth hoo-ha.”

  10. colleen

    It’s too bad that the bearded taco hasn’t evolved from caveman days the way other anatomical features have. Wisdom teeth? Don’t really need them anymore and many people don’t even develop them anymore. Come on, coochie! Keep up! Fortune knows that hardwood is what attracts the savvy “home buyer” (or renter) now! Noone enjoys having to bushwhack through the jungle to get to where their headed. Three licks to get to the delicious center of a blow-pop is all that todays instant gratification society is up for!
    BTW, my coworker is STILL wiping the tears from her eyes after reading this post…

    • The Bearded Iris

      “Come on, coochie! Keep up!” Bwahhahahahaha!!!

      Damn girl. This comment just blew my mind. You worked in the terms bushwhack, jungle, blow-pop, bearded taco, and a fabulous home-buyer analogy to boot. You’ve got some skills there, chicka. LOVE. IT.

  11. Bernie Bickers


    Um, sorry to be the “Jiminny Cricket” voice of reason here, but last time I checked, my face is about 2 to 3 x LESS sensitive than my undercarriage. Empirical proof: Slap to the face = slight tingling sensation combined with sheepish embarrassment. Slap to the crotch = automatic fetal curl and simpering for “Momma”.

    Some of these hair removal products have some scary-ass chemicals you probably don’t want near your hairy-ass (or your wu, taint, or anything else that isn’t protected by 5 millimeter thick, laboratory grade Pyrex). Typically, these creams are giving you a mild lye chemical burn. Probably not a big deal once or twice, but do you really want to experiment on your groin to find out the long term effects.

    Further, and no disrespect to the African American business community, but the track record on the safety of these products is questionable. Watch “Good Hair” with Chris Rock, especially when they discuss the effects of relaxers. Nasty, nasty chemicals…

    Lastly, with hundreds of millions, if not billions of dollars, spent every year on Brazilian waxes, Laser treatments, etc., if this product was actually safe to slather across the nether-lands, don’t you think someone would be marketing it for that purpose already? All new “Nair Down There”, or “Clairol Clear-All” in the convenient Eastern European Heritage 2 gallon mini-keg. The reason they ain’t – it’s bad for your taint.

    • The Bearded Iris

      1. I’m going to invent and install a new plugin that makes the Debbie Downer “mwah mwah” sound whenever someone reads your comments.
      2. We’re not talking about slapping crotches here…we’re talking about hair removal. Since you are a man, I’m guessing you have never had anything waxed or epi-lady’d or possibly even plucked. Therefore, I don’t think you can compare slapping with having hair yanked out by the follicle. Wax your face or your taint and then call me.
      3. I’ve had worse long term experiments performed to my groin. It’s called marriage. DOH. Oh no I di-int! (Just kidding hon.)
      4. I am SO impressed that you’ve seen “Good Hair.” Not surprised. You have always been a mench in that department. Remember when we watched Jungle Fever?
      5. Your rhyming skills are EPIC.
      6. My guess is that nobody wants us to know about this trick because it would cost the waxing/laser business so much money in profit.
      7. But you do have me a little scared now, so let’s just compromise and I will use it sparingly, like the way you use compliments, or exercise.

      • Bernie Bickers

        1. I’d prefer the Brady Bunch “Mwa mwa mwa wa wa wa”
        2. Au contrere mon frere! I’ve had the upper back and rear license plate waxed. YOWZA!@$#%@. Anyhow, that’s just physics (P=W/HS or Pain = Wax over Hairy Skin). Who knows what kind of chemistry is going on with STUFF THAT MAKES YOUR HAIR WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND JUMP OUT OF YOUR BODY.
        3. Your husband is the second strongest man alive
        4. Of course I watched, how do you think I was able to find such a great weave?
        5. Thank You
        6. Right, strip malls across the country have banded together to keep us ig’nrint of the power of “Soul Glo”
        7. (a) Just looking out for you (b) but when given, more meaningful, and (c) not by the hair on your chinny chin chin

      • desinap

        I gave birth…What worse can happen? And they have come up with a girly product! Try Sally Hansen Extra Strength hair remover with the picture of a girl’s leg at your local big box. No need to explain why they didn’t go further up in their advertising. Eww. One word of warning here…It is a spray foam so be very careful where it goes or you will have the landscape of a fortune cookie. Having itched from shaving and waiting for wax to grow off because I couldn’t bear the pain of the rip – This stuff is heaven sent. Bernie Bummer can keep his advice and I’ll happily read your blog while I wait for magic to happen. Gotta die of something! I’ll be buried in my bikini.

  12. Handflapper

    You, who are so knowledgeable about all things body hair, please explain to me why I have hardly any hair on my lady parts (seriously, I am so out of the loop on bikini waxes and such, because I’ve never needed such a thing) but I have so much hair on my face I’m thinking about foregoing the wax for a couple of days in October and being a nanny goat for Halloween?

  13. Didi

    Iris, you are “outta control”!!!! I LOVE IT!!! I also have my 3 dd’s hooked on your blog. We read your blog together and JUST LAUGH AND LAUGH!!!!

    Keep up the awesome work!!! Thank you so much for the tip on the Magic cream, I have to look for it, and will make sure I find a very “elderly cashier” for checkout, just because…. 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      DO IT! Oh I hope you get one like the Crazy Target Lady that Kristen Wiig plays on SNL. I want to imagine her looking at that tube of Magic Cream and saying “Oh my. What a handsome man on the tube. Is your husband black? WHAT? You are going to use this on your bikini area???? Oh my. OH. MY. That. Is. Brilliant. Where did you get this? In the shaving area or the ethnic products aisle?” (And then she leaves you in mid checkout to dash to that area so she can follow your SHINING example and take care of bidness.) And END SCENE.

      • Kyla

        Oh my. I really wish there was some type of like button to this 🙂 I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much!

        • The Bearded Iris

          Thanks Kyla! You can “like” me voting for my blog at Babble’s Top 50 Mom Blogs! Here’s the link (I’m hovering around #22). Thanks again!! Glad you found me.

  14. Linda

    Oh, you make me laugh! I cannot believe you ever plucked your bush. I cannot imagine the amount of tears that must illicit! I can barely pluck my brows between waxes. It is reassuring, though, that you found getting a Brazilian embarrassing. I cannot imagine showing up in anything other than a Nixon mask for such a procedure, three or four counties away from where I live.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Lord…the Brazilian. Did it once. Most humiliating experience of my life. Will never do it again. Would rather spend the rest of my life as a Sascrotch or with a lye-burned taint than have to lie on my side nekkid from the waist down and lift my knee up to chin so a stranger can apply hot wax to my hairy b-hole. Ick.

      • Linda

        Gee, I dunno. When you describe it that way, there’s an undeniable appeal to it…. Calisthenics and humiliation? I must schedule one immediately!

      • kitty

        lolol the telling of your tale leaves nothing to the imagination..oMg, sounds horrifying..but extremely funny..was not in a good mood til I happened upon your blog! Seriously THANKS!

  15. Martha (MM)

    OMG! I swear you just are not quite right – that’s what I love about you! You know there have been many times I’m laughed until I’ve cried reading your posts, and of course I always seem to read them while standing in line at a grocery store all by myself when the fits of uncontrollable laughter occur, it’s so embarrassing! This time I was at home thankfully, just popped a nice cold beer after a 10 hour workday (almost 12 with my commute). So I sit back for some entertainment Iris style and when I got to “You don’t get the up-do three days before the prom. ‘Black-Man’ your crotch on a Friday morning and set the tone for the whole weekend.” I really honestly spewed a nice big gulp of beer all over my computer – no joke!

    I have plans for this post if you will allow me to repost it.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Have at it, honey! My taint is your taint.

  16. Mary the Oinkteller

    Lord, woman, you are so funny, it’s practically criminal! In fact, today, while providing my 65 year old neighbor with tech support, I needed a laugh so I surfed over to your FB page to show her pictures of your vajazzled vulvas. Fortunately, she has a great sense of humor (if no aptitude with computers whatsoever). I wish tubes of magic cream were available in Vermont but they are not because only white people live here (I’m mostly kidding but not really). Hey, maybe if I touted magic cream’s magic uses our CVS would start stocking it! I’ll speak with the store manager next time I’m there. He’ll be thrilled, I’m sure.

    • The Bearded Iris

      If you do that, take a hidden camera. That sounds like the makings of Housewife Jackass. Seriously, I think you are onto something. That would be HYSTERICAL. Wish you didn’t live so far away! We could do it together. And I don’t say that to just any gal.

      Love that you share my vajazzled vulvas with your senior friends. What an incredible service you provide! Tech support, camaraderie, laughter. You are a gift.

  17. Shannon

    a. my husband laughs hysterically about my big toe hair which magically appeared after baby#2. My big toe never gets chilly anymore.

    b. I totally thought we totally had the exclusive on – Sascrotch. That is what hubby and I call my au natural state as well.
    ….back to the drawing board.

  18. Shannon

    c. noticed in the comments that so many of your loyal readers have been spitting beer, coffee, lunch etc. onto their computers due to excessive mirth. I think you need a marketing director (such as myself) to promote a “Bearded Iris Protective Computer Condom”. I hate to think of what all of this expectoration is doing to the hard drives. Let me know.

  19. Christy

    You are awesome Iris! Only “ballsy women” talk about hair removal on the Internet. It must be hereditary!

  20. robin

    OMG!!!! you totally speak my language… I love you!!!!!

  21. jane

    Oh my gosh -hilarious! but I’m too afraid to try creams. I don’t want to be some place and break out in an itchy rash or something.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well that is very wise of you, Janey. Nothing WORSE than an itchy crotch. Or so I’ve been told.

  22. Alison@Mama Wants This

    “Black-Man” your crotch just had me laughing so hard, I fell off my chair. And “frosting on your vagina”. Oh my.

    I think I’ll just trim mine, thankyouverymuch. LOL.

  23. Jen

    Holy he’ll this is funny and super helpful. I too am beyond hairy and my husband can’t find my vagina without my reg waxing appointments. This is going to be delightful. I’ve passed the fur onto my kids and will be trying this on my 11yr olds back!!
    Mucho gracias

    • The Bearded Iris

      That’s right, mama! If you keep your lawn mowed, your husband is much more likely to pull up a lawn chair and sit for a spell!

      Oh Lordy, kids with hairy backs. It has to be the hormones in the milk and meat. We’re all doomed. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

  24. Say-chez

    I love your blog! Thank you!

  25. Alycia

    OMG I linked you into my Wordless Wednesday post. I can’t get over how hilarious you are…I believe that you say all the things we all just want to say. Thanks for being so open and willing to share your humor.

  26. Mary (last name shall remain nameless..haha)

    OMG!!! I friggin love you!!! I rushed right out to the local CVS last night (with the hubs… who at the time, had no clue what I was going after.. bwahhaaa!!). No strange looks from the cashier either!! whoop whoop!! Anyway, tried it this morning and bingo!!!!! although another application is needed to get the slick as a slide in the swimming pool effect!! This is my new FAV product!!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YAY! I love the “slick as a slide” description! So glad you and your taint are happy with my advice (and your husband too, I bet!). Keep us posted if you have any scary side effects! I haven’t had any problems yet, but I don’t use it all the time… just for special occasions! (An up-do for my down-low?)

  27. Megan

    I laughed so hard I have tears running down my face. And, I have to go find my inhaler because I’m having a laughter-induced asthma attack — love it! Oh, and I’m forwarding this to my mom. She’s a super white girl like me and will totally appreciate this just like she loved your post on the Apple Genius Bar 😉 Happy Swimsuit Season!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, breathe Megan! Are you okay? (I am hoping a laughter-induced asthma attack is less painful and more fun than a regular one! I don’t want to hurt anyone!)

      So glad I can help a super white girl and her super white mama! Keep it clean, ladies!

  28. Katybeth

    Well who knew. You are simple amazing. Your anonymous friend certainly has a way with words. I am not hairy but I might go ahead and buy a tube and share the fun anyway–Why not.

  29. Ivy

    alright, I’m diving in. just bought a batch from amazon and eagerly awaiting it’s arrival… I’m trusting you here lady… I hope I’m not disappointed.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ooooh, the pressure! I hope you’re not disappointed too! Look at it this way: what have you got to lose? HAIR! If you don’t like the results, it will grow back…and sooner than you probably would like. Just don’t mix the tube up with your deep conditioner, or you’re screwed. Good luck! Keep me posted!

      • Ivy

        Alright beard lady. I just finished my test spot… And I gotta say voila! Clean as a whistle! No real stink, no irritation, no bumps (yet). I’m pretty impressed. As a serial waxer, I do have a question before I proceed further mañana. Do you do anything to protect the oodles of noodles when you move on down the bowl? Let a girl know so I don’t end up with fried noodles. Thanks!

        • The Bearded Iris

          LOL! “Oodles of noodles”!!! Love it! Okay, woman to woman, you gots to trim that bowl of noodles first, Chef Ivy. Use a Remington Lady Shaver, or your man’s beard trimmer, or your dog’s grooming tool, whatevs. But get that bowl of noodles neat and short BEFORE you apply the magic. That way, much less chance of fried noodles from the over-hang. And for the love of God, do not do calisthenics or scrub your toity while the cream is doing its thang, or you will surely end up as bald as a 5 year old. Leave a little landing strip to guide your visitors to the motherland!

          • Ivy

            Oh nooooo. I’m am misunderstood!! I’m typically a bald eagle. The noodles I was referring to were the sensitive bits. Man in the boat and the surrounding waves!

          • The Bearded Iris

            Oh sorry! I never heard the happy button referred to as “oodles of noodles” before! Now I see! Okay, I have never done anything special to protect that area and have not fried myself yet, but I s’pose you could apply a thin layer of vaseline first as a protective barrier just to be on the safe side. Good luck to you and your little man in the boat!

  30. Tracie

    Maybe it’s all the tequila I’ve had tonight, but that is the funniest/most informative thing I’ve ever read!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh don’t blame the tequila! It cheapens both of us (and I can’t get any cheaper).

      Thanks for stopping by and reading my mommy smut.

  31. Hazel Shakur

    you are my new best friend! stumbled on your blog while searching for raw kale salad. have been furiously reading and send links to my bff. my husband, who happens to be a black man, has some Magic Shave in his medicine cabinet. I’ll have to give this a try.

    • The Bearded Iris

      HAZEL IN THE HIZZY! Thanks for finding me and sticking around! My kale salad is THE BOMB. I love that recipe. The other day I made it like usual, but I used lime instead of lemon and I sprinkled some cumin on it to give it a Mexican flair (it was Taco Tuesday). Guess what? It was awesome. That’s what.

      Thanks for the comment and for sharing me with your BFF! Love that!

  32. Leighann

    You have answered my prayers.
    Prayers to the hair God.
    I am headed to the Walmart ASAP to purchase me some Magic Cream.
    Does this work on my beard too?
    Fer reals.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Guuuurl, this is fer REALIO! Slather away! I have not yet tried it on my own face, just my nether regions. But it is MADE for faces, so I bet it would totally work. Try it and report back with your findings. We bearded ladies have to stick together!

  33. JDaniel4's Mom

    Stopping from Time Travel Tuesday a day late! What a post!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you! And thanks for stopping by!

  34. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    I will now share this with the world.

    • The Bearded Iris

      It is indeed my masterpiece. Someday I hope to be the Billy Mays of Butt-Hair Be Gone.

  35. beth

    so here I am, in a king sized bed, with 2 kids and 500 stuffed animals, and I couldnt even attempt to use one to stop the shreiking laughter from escaping (possibly preventing me from snorting as well?) wor to mop up the tears that were streaming down my face as I read this. I will SO vote you in. I am also requesting (as i did on your Bridesmaids “review”) that you write scripts because I DONT LAUGH LIKE THAT. you gotta be damn good. and Kitty thanks you because as I advance in years the shower gymnastics I do th keep ‘er looking like a “fortune cookie” are just past beginner yoga (ha! fortune cookie… i wish! u read the part where I had 2 kids… 1 @19 & the other @30? thats being kind) Thank you grrrrl for that laugh.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw – thanks Beth (and Kitty)! I love getting this kind of encouragement. Writing a screenplay is definitely on my short list! Keep up those shower gymnastics. Our fortune cookies are only as old as we feel. 😉

  36. Annette

    Dear Iris,
    I found your site while searching for corn casserole to serve for Thanksgiving – hats off to you and Carla for Carla’s Corn Casserole! I mistakenly used a whole 16 oz. container of sour cream. (Sorry, Carla.) No problem, my thoughtful husband had brought home 2 pkgs. of Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix (probably had an innate sense of disaster). One and a half boxes of JCMM fixed CCC to the tune of rave reviews! Many thanks!
    Iris, your site was just the destresser I needed prior to (and after) crowd pleasing cookery. Since then, my husband and I rented Bridesmaids and had to pause it to calm down and take a potty break. You’ve kept us (and all the people I’ve shared your bodacious blog with) in stiches this entire holiday weekend. Two words come to mind from my 1950 origins: RUBBER PANTS. Love Ya Lots, Iris!
    PS – You don’t have to post this, but I wrote this some years ago out of frustration, having to (daily) wield tweezers, using a magnifying mirror (x10) and reading glasses in bright light. If I’d been a nun, I would have held on to my tweezers just the same!!


    Plucking chickens, plucking chins
    Here the similarity only begins
    Within 48 hours of weeding skin bare
    Comes a fresh bumper crop of facial hair

    Like felling a forest
    Between one furrowed brow
    Is the tedious task of tweezing
    Like squeezing milk from a cow

    Bleaching over lips
    As a tanner treats a hide
    Wax from the honeycomb
    Strips a stache at a time

    Such toil is no sweat
    While one’s eyes are young
    The older the orchard
    The brighter the sun

    Some things I won’t miss
    Up yonder green pasture
    With new face aglow
    In the light of my Master

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Annette! So glad you enjoyed the CCC and that you were able to make it work regardless of the measuring mishap! It’s such a forgiving recipe… I bet it would be hard to mess it up!

      LOVE the poem, and love any woman who is so fed up with her facial hair that she writes a sonnet about it. From frustration to creative expression…that’s pure awesomesauce, right there.

      Pleased to meetcha and thank you so much for sharing my Mommy Smut with your husband and friends! GROUP HUG, bitches. 🙂

      • Annette

        Thank you, Iris! I am honored. Hugs to Y’All!:)

  37. Kimberly

    HA! Well if anyone at work knew the reason for my extremely abnoxious laughing spell i just had in my cubicle was about black man frosting seeping from the pours of your JJ, I would be fired.. This is the most amusing blog i’ve read in a long time. Thank you for your disgusitng sense of humor. Finally someone i can appreciate.

  38. jessiejack

    Thank you Iris for the info and the laughs!!

  39. Ann

    Just ONE of the reasons I love you, Iris, is that you use “myriad” correctly. You are a diamond in the rough! 🙂 a

  40. Susie

    I think- I love you.

    – Fellow freakishly hairy white Eastern European. Er.

    PS- I wax, but just for the hell of it, I’m tempted to.. well I just don’t have the guts to write it, but you know.. Try the magic cream.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Susie! Thanks for stopping by and making me feel less freakishly hairy. Yes yes, Magic Cream away! Hey, it’s worth a try, at least. I don’t do it very often…just for, uh, special occasions. 😉

  41. Amy

    I just black manned for the first time. Glory fucking hallelujah!!! Wow. You weren’t whistling dixie. I LOVE YOU.

  42. Anna

    Good Lord – I am SO glad you linked up to finding the funny! I cannot wait to go check out the rest of your blog. This is going to make me laugh all week – and I’m pretty sure I’ll never look at a bald black man the same way again. Thank you! 🙂


    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh thank GOD someone left me a comment! (Especially YOU!) I have been sweating for 5 days thinking it was WAY too inappropriate for your linkup, wondering why nobody was commenting. Seriously, ask Kelley…she’s probably already filed a restraining order against me because I got so nervous I attempted to delete the link, then left a psychotic comment on her blog about being “sorry I had a fist fight in the middle of her black panther party,” then panicked, then deleted that comment, then tweeted her that “I feel like I walked into the wrong exam room and showed my lady bits to a podiatrist,” etc. Yes, I should probably seek pharmacological support at this point, I know. God bless you for interrupting my downward shame spiral. 🙂

  43. Brett Minor

    This was hilarious. It is my first visit to your blog. Linked in from another site. I will be reading further to see what other gems you have written.

  44. Ina

    Sas -crotch. Lmao! I will now forever read your blog.

  45. Sarcasm Goddess

    Words fail me. I just want to follow you everywhere and experience first-hand all the awesome shit you do. This is valuable information; however, I am less concerned about the hair on my lady parts (to the dismay of my husband) and more concerned about the hair on my face. If you can find a magic remedy for that, please, please, let me know. I pluck, I’ve done laser but I’m really concerned about scaring – which is totally stupid since I pick at my face so much I have scars – and I’m afraid that creams and shaving will make it come back with a vengeance. People say it’s a myth that the hair you shave grows back coarser but I am living proof that it is true. I have shaved parts of my body that I wish I hadn’t because it has grown back the consistency of my pubes, making me look like I have vaginas all over my body. I assure you, it’s not as awesome as it sounds.

  46. Cynthia

    I am a black woman and my ex-husband used Magic shave on his beard to avoid razor bumps. There is no way on Earth I would put those chemicals near my tender ladyparts.

    That said, this posting still made me snort chai latte through my nose. “Black Man” your pubes should be a new anthem.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Haha! Thank you Cynthia. Oooh, I love a good chai latte…in my mouth, not my nose. Sorry for the snort! (But glad for it too!) Thanks for the comment!

  47. EMA

    OMG, laughing so hard and canNOT wait to try it! I inherited a bear pelt from the pleasure zone down to my knees, and it is so not attractive.

    Found you through a friend on Facebook, and will now be adding you to my subscription list. With helpful hints like this, there’s bound to be more I can use!

  48. Simone

    I knew I couldn’t be the only lady out there distracting the masses from my facial forest with the girls. Damn genetics!

    We carry Magic Shave at my job. I will never again be able to sell it without recalling this blog. And I will be buying a container tomorrow to give it a try.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks, Simone! My 5 year old son asked me today if I could still make milk with my boobies and I said “No, honey, they’re all dried up.” And he said, “Then what are they there for?” “Decoration,” I replied. “Oh. Okay.” And that was that. But really, we know the true answer: decoration AND distraction! Hallelujah! Good luck with the Magic Cream!

      • Simone Santos (@RandomSimone)

        I tried the Magic Cream today. After locking my dogs out of the bathroom, I applied it and realized I forgot to bring something to time myself so I may have removed it a bit early. But still, we have (mostly) smooth skin in the nether regions. One more application and I think I’ll be good to go.

        Best four dollars and change I’ve ever spent to be honest.

        • The Bearded Iris

          Whoo-hooooo! That’s awesome Simone. Glad it (mostly) worked. If you didn’t have any adverse reactions, you can definitely add a few minutes next time and it will work even better. ENJOY! 🙂

  49. Rosie

    Omg I’ve haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thank you do much for sharing this information – I too am a hairy female. I’ve been strongly considering laser but hear it didn’t work for you is such a drag so going to try the magic!

  50. Mary


  51. Cindy

    I just about lost it! Greatest post ever. You have to watch the youtube video, Mrs. Brown gets a bikini wax. I laughed until I cried. funniest shit ever!!!!

  52. Kati

    This was the first post of yours I ever read, and I have had it in the back of my mind to try for the last year. Well, I am an avid couponer, and what did I come across last week??? $1.50 off 1 Magic Cream!!! I went to THREE Walmarts, and all three were CLEANED OUT! I’ll just hold on to it until they re-stock, but I am so excited to try it, and I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy to hear that you’re sticking around!!!

  53. Julie

    Oh. My. Gawd. I have just fallen deeply, madly in love with you, and your insane sense of humor that just twisted enough to make me look normal. (That’s saying a lot! Hundreds of “normal citizens”, the Kansas City Star and half the staff at the Henry Doorly Zoo can’t be wrong…)
    Bless you and your equally fabulous sense of humor. 🙂

  54. Kristi at My Cup Runs Over

    Oh. Man. This. Is. AWESOME. (and so much funnier knowing that middle-school kids may have read it! Sorry. I’m a middle-school teacher and blogger. I understand the possible mortification of knowing middle-schoolers that read your blog.) FWIW, I use Nair for the same thing. 🙂

  55. dusty earth mother

    “Black-man your crotch”. Hallmark, here you come. So hilarious! Congrats on your VOTY! 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      WOW – thank you for stopping by to read my smut! I can’t wait to hear you read at BlogHer – congratulations!

  56. Jana (@jana0926)

    Oh.Holy.Crap. That’s the funniest thing ever. I’m gonna black man my lady garden, I think. Congrats on the VOTY honor! Proud to be on that list with you!

  57. Carlene Hadwin

    I just found your blog looking for a way to remove gel nail polish at home. You are a girl after my own heart! Gonna share with my friends. We’re Southern girls too! Thanks for blogging!

  58. Jade

    This is genius!!!!!! I read your post last night, picked the cream up today, and oh my stars it is incredible!! It works so freaking good!!!!! Thank you, thank you for posting!! 🙂

    (one question, so when the stubble grows back, how badly does it itch and will hydrocortisone cream be good enough to sooth it?

    Thanks again! 🙂

    • Jade


    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Jade! I’m a few days into my stubble period right now in fact and it really isn’t that bad. It’s definitely not bad enough for hydrocortisone. But then again, if you can’t stand the stubble, just keep applying your Magic Cream and it won’t be an issue. Thanks for reading my blog!

  59. Tricia

    I totally just snorted. Out loud. I started to explain, but apparently was shut down with, “Don’t. Just don’t.” Fine. More for me – the girl with Snow White fair skin and jet black hair. (Yeah, they totally leave the groundskeeping conversation out of that Disney fairytale thankyouverymuch.)

    In any case, I often wonder what possesses someone to say, “You know what would be a good idea?!” And now, I have an idea…

  60. vicki

    Bahahaha! i loved all of this. and maybe im buying that on amazon right after i post this…

  61. Giusi

    You’re a genius, no less (maybe more ;))

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw shucks! Thank you. Nice to be appreciated! 🙂

  62. Cathy Cantu

    This is my first time visiting. I really hate people who are funnier than me. But I have to love you – who wouldn’t? Will SO try Magic Cream! So funny that it’s for Black Men. I’m following you forever!!

  63. Homer

    Dear Iris: Just to let you know, there are some men on the planet, me being one, who thinks that the more hair “all over down there” is a real turn on. If it is clean and perfumed, it will become a heavenly nest.

  64. Ingrid

    Ok, I’m a black woman who has known about Magic shave her whole life. I never thought to use it to tend my lady garden. Now, I wish I had because Nair is expensive and every man I dated and my ex husband used it. I could have been creating curb appeal for free! Better late than never. Thanks for the tip!

  65. Janine

    I have used Nair before on my legs and while it was on it hurt really bad (a burning sensation), while this is on your skin for the 5-10min does it have a burning sensation like Nair?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well, it really depends on 1.) how sensitive your skin is and 2.) how “enthusiastic” you are about the application. If you get all up in your vagizness, it will probably sting a little. It sounds like you have pretty sensitive skin, so I would tread lightly. Maybe test it in your armpit first (not right after shaving though.) Good luck and let’s be careful out (in) there. 🙂

  66. Heidi

    I got a great laugh reading this, but need to tell you to use a beard and mustache trimmer to trim up down there, works great and no unpleasant itching when it grows back. I usually trim up once a week in the summer and couple times a month in the winter.

  67. sparkling74

    My favorite part is imagining you buy this stuff. I can’t even imagine putting it on and enduring the smell for 5-10 minutes. No what jose. K-ster gets what he gets and if he complains, I don’t even listen. I put myself through enough torture, I’m not worrying about the nether regions. Hysterical story!

  68. Britney

    Wow!I love your sense of humour! and Being a black female, I’m pretty surprised I haven’t thought to use the “Magic” down there….My father always has a ton of that stuff which he uses RELIGIOUSLY.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Britney! Girl, you totally need to sneak some of your Dad’s Magic Cream and give it a whirl. Good luck! 🙂

  69. Debi

    HAHA I love that you are so open about any and all taboo topics and thanks for the laughs.

  70. Julie

    Oh wow. That was pure awesomeness. I clicked on the button because I thought, No way she really has a button that’s about feminine hygiene, but here it is. In all it’s hairless glory.

    Thank you for the laugh – you have a new minion.

  71. Bev

    OMG, I can’t remember the last thing I read that made me laugh this hard; I was crying! Thank you so much for sharing! My hubby loves when I “hack through the jungle” as he puts it (knowing I don’t take offense), but it’s such a burden to me…I’m definitely trying this tip out ASAP!

  72. WahmCat

    I am a brand spanking new blogger… and I can only hope to be as great of a blogger as you are when I grow up! Please check out my beginning posts and let me know what you think!

    And on a serious not… Thank. You. I am headed to Ebay…. (after I stop laughing and catch my breath!)

  73. Sandra Sallin

    OMG, you are hysterical. I found you through Julie Deneen.

    “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.

    I’m still laughing at that one. Good for you!

  74. Rabia @ TheLiebers

    OMG!! That was hysterical!! Now my son is looking over my shoulder with a questioning look on his face and I am thanking my lucky stars that he can’t read that well yet!!!

  75. Kim

    I haven’t laughed so hard in ages! Hysterical!

  76. laura

    Damn! I love you! Just like me, you tell it like it is. If you lived near Annapolis, you could be my best friend. Trust me, we are kindred spirits. I get accused of oversharing on FB all the time…

  77. Jen

    THIS. Is the best thing I’ve read in a LONG time. Imma be lookin’ for some of that stuff! Thanks! 🙂

  78. Brandy

    Just wanted to add that I was informed of magic by a friend about a year ago and it is definitely worth every penny (which is about what it cost. I just recently thought about using it on my face and just wanted to know a little more on your experience with it on that part. I am starting to have those course black unruly chin hairs and lots of soft blonde hairs that show brightly in the sunshine! I’m getting married in a couple of weeks and don’t want to jack my face up but don’t have the money for waxing. Thoughts?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Brandy!

      I have never used it on my face, and probably wouldn’t experiment with it right before a big day like a wedding. What about buying one of those battery operated trimmers and just doing that the morning of the wedding? I have one of those and use it on my face for special occasions. Good luck and congrats!

  79. Karina

    You are just too funny!!..you know?..I’ve known about “Black Magic” (as I refer to it). For a long time. The other day as I was sharing “the knowledge” with a friend who was having issues with the upkeep of her shrubbery I got a quizzy look when I recommended her to use black men’s depilatory cream.
    So as I was looking for published information to support my recommendation , I came across your article..I’m can’t stop laughing!!. I have become an instant fan of your blog!. Humor has to be the best medicine for a ton of things!!..thanks

  80. shawn

    im in tears way to start my morning off lol! kudos!!!!!!

  81. T.Reece

    Lol…lol…lol!!!!! This is good info with a good sense of humor! 🙂

  82. Jessica Ball

    Woke my kids up laughing at’‘Black-Man’ your crotch’ . Carried one kid back upstairs still unable to stop randomly spewing muffled chuckles. Woke the baby up on the way back downstairs giggling. Got baby back to sleep and woke the oldest up when I used the bathroom next to his and thought,”Better lock the door… ahAHAHAHa!”

    Thank you for ruining my evening alone time. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Insanely proud! Every time someone laughs at my words, I sprout another chest hair. (Metaphorical AND literal chest hair.) Glad you enjoyed it! And sorry about waking your kids. 🙂

  83. Jean

    To be corny, I laughed and learned reading this. I think I need to try keeping my foot of the brakes more often this year when I’m writing. Although I’m pretty sure I won’t have the balls for this 🙂

  84. Abby

    I was reading this yesterday and bought the ‘magic’ today! I just used it and my hair down there is pretty thick. I kept it on for 10 minutes and I still had a little trouble with getting the stubborn hair out. And some are still there at the moment. And also after I was rinceing it with water I felt a little burn. It was closer to the more sensitive skin. But I just wanted to know if it was normal and if it was safe to either leave it on longer or to re-apply tomorrow. Thank you so much for your help!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Abby – thanks for reading and commenting! Yes, I think a little bit of burning is probably to be expected, especially around the more delicate areas, but I don’t know if I would be brave enough to use the product two days in a row. Maybe give it a week and then try again, but a few minutes longer. DISCLAIMER – I AM JUST A WRITER, NOT A MEDICAL EXPERT, so use at your own risk! 🙂

  85. Bettina

    YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!! I stumbled over this article while looking for something else (don’t ask *sigh*) and I’m glad that I read it. You covered the issue that most people get super awkward about in a really funny and fun way!

  86. Kim- One Classy Motha

    Oh Leslie! I can’t begin to thank you for this hilarious and oh-so valuable tip! No lie, I need this product something bad! Right now, it looks like I’m smuggling cotton balls in my yoga pants. But on the bright side, my cat loves curling up in my lap- so there’s that.

    I can’t wait to try this! Thank you! And thank your friend for me!

  87. DGee

    Hilariousness, seriously.

    I’m in much the same boat.

    You didn’t mention whether you tried it on your face though!


    • The Bearded Iris

      I have not tried this on my face, DGee. I’m too afraid! 🙂

  88. MommaLynnea

    Yup.. just did it again today.. been doing it for over a year and no adverse side effects (well maybe I’m tired because a certain spouse keeps poking me). I tell my friends about it all the time… oh… and you made me laugh out loud…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Great testimonial, MommaLynnea! Thanks! Glad you’re here and that you like this post enough to laugh out loud and share with your friends. ‘Preciate it!

  89. MommaLynnea

    I’m betting we saw it on the same parenting page… lol

  90. John

    Hello. I am a black male. I have used Magic Shave on my face and head for years. I recently started using it on my man parts. It works great… balls and all! Lol! I have a question though. We are trying to figure out a safe way to use it on my lady. When you apply it how do you manage to do the “crevices” like around the clit and the inside of the outer labia? Thanks for ur help!

  91. Absolutely Prabulous

    “Body hair…Russian tundra”. Man I nearly squealed out loud in the middle of the cafe…yes I have 3 kids and I’m in a CAFE before it’s time to pick up the youngest. But let’s get back to your hair…ooh let’s… Seriously? Laser didn’t work? I’m Indian…we could write the book on body and facial hair and I have to say discovering laser (which admittedly is super affordable where I live) has changed my life. My chin was a horror show before. They say the rain forest is being destroyed. Well guess what folks? It showed up on my chin after I had kids. But LASER oh thank you. Under arms fab. Legs fab. Upper lip…forget it…I walked around with permanent five o’clock shadow and went back to good ol DIY wax strips. Bikini line….well the actual lady garden has a mind of its own but er the peripheral areas are fine (wow how’s that for oversharing?) but the hairs on my chinny chin chin? GONE. Give laser a try again I urge you.

  92. Marcia

    I use it on my underarms, my face, legs, and down below. The one that I use says to use either the back edge of a butter knife, or a special plastic spatula.

    I highly recommend it, and have been using it over 20 years now.

  93. nyc_jessy

    Oh my Lord, I can’t even tell you how I found you (your site) but am I glad I did?! 1st let me say, you are hysterical. Its like reading something I’ve writting but don’t recall writting it cuz I did it on my “im takin a mommy day dammit! There’s hotdogs & pancake mix in the fridge kids, go to town” while bangin back a couple (or 4) bottles of Strawberry Arbor Mist. Lol I’m a fan for life & goin to hit the 24hr walmart cuz before this day is done, by George ima have a squeaky vajayjay if it kills me & by the grace of the good Lord above (& the makers of the black man’s hair removal) I hope to have NO MORE of the 6 o’clock shadow (yes I said 6, its so bad I could work in Coney Islands boardwalk freak show as the bearded lady) o.O pray for me ladies! Thank you again for your share, I’ll be back to check in ad this is now my fav site. Smooches :-*:-*:-*

  94. Tess lady

    I have joked for years that my father (whoever the #€££ that is) must have been Sasquatch because I am one hairy lady, so your sas-crotch comment so resonated with me! I have read like 30 articles this evening trying to find something to make my newly (6months ago) c-sectioned vag-jay-jay look a little better. Who knew they cut you that low! Shaving is a little more difficult due to extra weight and residual numbness OVER the scar. I am seriously going to order this tonight and maybe get some of my former confidence back!

  95. Amanda

    Has anyone noticed that using this on their female parts made their clitoris less sensitive?

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