A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Judge not.

Just in case you happened to see me driving through my neighborhood yesterday, I feel like you should really give me the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, it’s true, I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt.

And if you got a good look at me, you may have noticed the pit stains on my t-shirt and the mascara streaks on my face.

And yes, indeed, there was a rather large black Lab running alongside the driver’s side of my silver minivan.

And no, your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you. The dog was on a short blue leash, and I actually was holding the leash with my left arm dangling from the open driver’s side window.

And yes, the dog appeared to be very tired and was a little foamy at the mouth.

Yes, that was DaveFM’s Radio Free Lunch blaring from my speakers. Perhaps you got a glimpse of me grooving to Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake.

And sure enough, my hazard lights were blinking, as I was driving ridiculously slow.

If you saw us, you probably thought to yourself “That is one lazy (and/or crazy) bitch!”

But what you don’t know is that I had just spent the last two hours hanging with my dear friend Christel and her newborn baby who live on the other side of my neighborhood. And that Christel had been loving me through a mini-breakdown about a lifetime worth of emotional baggage that is always bubbling right below a very thin surface.

You probably also don’t know that Christel invited my mildly psychotic dog Ike over to play with her enormous black German Shepherd while we were visiting.

Or that Ike decided to bolt at the end of our playdate before I got a chance to get him back on his leash.

Maybe you don’t know that Ike has a long history of playing “you can’t catch me!” which is why we ended up installing a Hidden Fence three years ago.

Or that I had exactly fifteen minutes to get back to my car and get across town to pick up my two older kids from their last day of Tech Camp.

Perhaps you didn’t realize that I had just run from Christel’s house to mine with a four year old boy riding piggy-back and shouting “Giddy up, Mommy!”

Maybe you don’t know that when Ike used to run away (before we got the fence) the only way to get him back was to drive around, call him to our open minivan, and trick him that he was “going bye-byes!”

Or that the day before I had spent two hours and $150 having my disgusting 6 year old minivan detailed for the first time EVER and that the carpets were still damp.

Or that Ike’s paws and nails were caked with mud from the romping, and chasing, and digging he had just done in Christel’s backyard.

And that I couldn’t possibly just wait for Ike to find his way home on his own due to “the incident” we recently endured when Ike was assaulted in our yard by an unbalanced courier. (And found to be not guilty, by the way, in a court of law.)

So before you pass judgement on me for being the neighborhood crazy lady who drives alongside her dog for his exercise instead of walking him, you should really give me the benefit of the doubt.

Things aren’t always what they seem.

Besides, there are many worse reasons to think of me as the neighborhood crazy lady.

Yours truly,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris



  1. Julie @ mamamash

    Iris? That sounds like a really shitty afternoon. If your neighbors even think about judging you, I say fuck ’em. Fuck ’em in the brown eye.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You. Are. Awesome. Won’t you be my neighbor?

  2. Didi

    LOL, judge you… I would be taking vids and “youtubing”, lol Jokin, seriously, girl, you are too funny!!

    Ihope your evening is better and much more relaxing!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Didi, thank you. I need more neighbors like you! Christel saw me driving away with the dog running along side and was cracking up too. Thank God for good friends who love us for who we are!!!

  3. Suzanne Lucero

    Sweetie, you really ought to get a cat… 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      WORD! I’ll drink to THAT, Suzanne.
      Later that day, swear to God, Ike was asleep on my newly decluttered office floor, and I saw a very slow drip drip drip of URINE just sneaking out of his little doggie dong…onto my carpet. How effin’ gross is that?! Then he woke up, licked it up, and went back to sleep. Note to self: no more kissing the dog. And no more piling important paperwork on the floor. Cat 1, Dog 0.

  4. Ann

    I feel your pain, I’m the crazy dog lady in our ‘hood. Come on over, I have wine.

    • The Bearded Iris

      We wine drinkin’ bible studyin’ bread bakin’ veggie roastin’ crazy dog ladies gots to stick together, yo! (I’ll be right over!)

  5. Mary the Oinkteller

    That is one seriously bad day. I hope you have your feet up with a nice tall glass of something alcoholic next to you. If it were me, I wouldn’t even bother with the glass. P.S. I completely agree with Julie @mamamash!

  6. Deanne

    Dude, seriously? I think that sounds flippin’ brilliant!!! If I had a big ol’ dog like Ike instead of my little cocker spaniel and my two even smaller chiuaua/wiener dog mixes, I’d totally do that shit daily! Hells ya! 🙂

    And how in the heck did I end up with THREE dogs that are breeds using slang terms for male anatomy? Hmmm. Something to ponder there. Totally wasn’t intentional. But I love them!!! Oh and the dogs? Yeah, they’re awesome too!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Deanne – I hope you got some last night! Some real cocker wiener hot dog action and none of that small yappy lap dog shit. 😉 You are a hoot, girl! LOVE IT!

  7. Allysgrandma

    Mine bubbles up now and then too. Luckily I have a sister that has unlimited long distance as do I! Praying we all learn to deal…..

    We had to take granddoggy to the vet today as her playing with Landon and two-2 year olds caused her to be in great pain. BEST VET EVER got down on the floor with our little biter and did an exam using dog treats. She now has an opiate, a muscle relaxant and an anti-inflammatory for what she diagnosed as a pinched nerve in her neck of all things.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Poor doggie! (But those drugs sound fabulous… save some for your secret stash.)

  8. Alison@Mama Wants This

    I actually thought everyone walks their dog that way. No?

  9. Anne @ Domesblissity

    Oh Iris! You poor thing. I really hate ‘the look’ that some people give you when you might be yelling at the kids or running frantically through the mall to get to the pharmacy for some children’s Paracetamol for one of your kids with a burning fever, pushing those ‘pushy’ sales people over. If only they knew what sort of day you had. I don’t let it worry me anymore. That Ike’s a cheeky little bugger, isn’t it? All dogs are. My Willy (that’s my dog’s name) is an escape artist and he just wanders home on his own now. I just have to be mindful of posties (what we call UPS delivery drivers or mail deliverers).

    Anne xx

    • The Bearded Iris

      “Posties”!!! Ha! Sounds too close to “pasties” (stickers for the nips…mostly used by exotic dancers and wacky 4 year olds).

      And yes, “the look.” I hope I never give anyone that look again. It sure sucks to be on the receiving end of it. Fuckers.

  10. Dawn@LightenUp!

    A beautiful day in the neighborhood!
    At least you had a good soundtrack. Love “Short Skirt Long Jacket.”
    You should see on the Books of Face what I found for Jen Has a Pen. You’ll be jealous!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Isn’t that song DA BOMB?! Can’t get enough of it.
      What is the Books of Face?! Intrigued! Fill me in!

  11. Kate Yarris

    Iris, that day sounds way to shitty to be judged by anyone. I would have been screaming out the window as I drove, “What are YOU looking at?! This is cheaper than a doggie treadmill.” Plus, it could have been worse. You could have had your kids running alongside the van… teasing them as if you were going to let them in and then speed up.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I would never do that. (without a ski mask)

  12. Rebekah

    I wish you lived in my neighborhood. You’re awesome.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Right back atcha, Rebekah! Thank you!

  13. Shannon

    Hugs to you crazy lady. I keep telling you to move to NY… you would totes fit right in! 🙂 My sweet little kitty got a UTI this week !@!#@$#$???? She ran around getting into EVERYTHING that she could fit and peeing little drops of bloody pee. Sink, fruit bowl, kids’ play food basket, kids’ 50 million dollar wooden marble track basket…..etc. Then she needed three separate trips to the vet (an hour away) before they finally kept her overnight for testing and pain meds…. total cost $550. Hold me.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Holding you, hard. That SUCKS. Nothing worse than bloody cat piss. P.U.!!!

      My kids want us to buy an aquarium. They keep asking and I keep saying HELL NO. More pets = more money/trouble/nastiness. No thanks!

  14. laura lee

    when my dog doesn’t heel, i step on her back foot. this however brilliant. way to: set the pace, wear your dog out, and show him who the pack leader is in that household. oh yeayah.

    i wonder if you could attach one of these to your side view car mirror?????


  15. Annie

    tee hee! This could be me. My dog likes to play keep away when he gets out and the only ways to corral him are to yell, “car ride” and “cheese”. I have been seen running around my neighborhood jiggling keys, opening and closing car doors and yelling, “cheese, cheese, car ride, cheese!” usually barefoot in my pajamas while the kids run around yelling variations on the same theme. Good times.

  16. Katybeth

    I know the old trick them in into thinking they are going Bye Bye so well…There are days when you would take them to the shelter but the no kill one that is closest to your house is to good for them!
    Sorry about your horrible, bad, no good, day!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dumb dogs! So glad to know I’m not the only one who feels like that! 🙂 Thanks for reading and for all the wonderful comments!

  17. Heather

    BAHAHAHAHA!!! If you were my neighbor I would have raised my glass of Ghetto Punch and saluted you as you drove by!!! Muddy dog feet on wet car carpet? Fuck no.

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