A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Something even better than cat shit!

When my friend Nora said “call [Iris] a mommy-blogger and get your ass kicked,” she was just kidding. Or maybe it was a typo and she meant to say “get your ass kissed.”

Just thought I’d put that out there, because as luck would have it, I have been nominated by one of my scrumptious readers for Babble.com’s Top 50 Mom Blogs of 2010!!!

I mean seriously. What a sweet surprise! So much better than finding the Trail of Tears my cat created with her magic butt brush the other day…

Although, not quite as good as finding a little face in the used tampon receptacle in the ladies’ room that one time. That’s a gift that just keeps on giving.

When Maggie nominated me the other day, I was ranked at #891. But after a few friends helped to spread the word on Facebook, my rank (last I checked) has rocketed all the way to #111. That’s out of 994 nominated blogs! Very exciting!

If you are here reading my schtick and you enjoy what you see, would you please vote for me? It’s a little tricky, but I think you can handle it. Step one: go to this link.

Step two: sort the list by “popularity.” (Here’s a pic to show you where to do that, Mom…I highlighted the sorting tabs in yellow.)



Step three: at the bottom of the screen, navigate to page 3 and look for The Bearded Iris. If I’m not on that page, that means I am already on page 2, doing the Mom Jeans Fist Pump and embarrassing the shit out of my kids.

When you find The Bearded Iris in that list of 994 nominated Mom Blogs, click on the “I like this blogger” thumbs up symbol. Then pat yourself on the back for doing something nice for someone else. Remember, what goes around, comes around. Justin Timberlake said so.

And if you couldn’t find my name, try sorting the list alphabetically and navigating to page 17 at the bottom of the screen. I should be somewhere around there. If you still can’t find me, God help you. You clearly have no business being on the Internet. Go play Mahjong or watch a Murder She Wrote marathon. (I’ll call you later, Aunt Doris.)

Okay friends, if you are still with me so far, you deserve a special treat! Bucket Head got ahold of my iPhone yesterday and recorded a song using my favorite new app: Songify. It’s so easy, even a four year old can do it. Even an undersupervised four year old with a speech impediment whose favorite words are: penis, butt, ffffomit, and dajina. Enjoy!

Bucket Head Might Have Tourette’s (Like His Mama)

giggling like a school girl,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.



  1. Tara M


  2. Julie @ mamamash

    Can I vote daily, like with Blogger Idol? Or is it just once?

    • The Bearded Iris

      I think just once. Yep, just once per computer or device, wink wink. Thanks for the vote!

      • Julie @ mamamash

        Shiiiit, girl, we gots two phones, a laptop, a computer, and an iPad. You got this on lock.

        This concludes the ghetto portion this comment.

        • The Bearded Iris

          Shiiiiit, bitch, you know you my shawtee!

  3. Alison@Mama Wants This

    I voted – congratulations on getting on the list!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Alison! 🙂

  4. Amy

    Voted! You’ve moved up to 107! Thanks for reminding us all to laugh about all that comes with being a Mom 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Amy! My pleasure. Laughing feels better than crying, or throat punching.

  5. Barefeet InTheKitchen

    OH my. You are way more fun as a mom than I am. I would have been a total spoil sport about that lovely song and yet, I laughed like crazy at Bucket Head. ha ha. Of course, making the song would involve allowing a small child to touch my phone and you KNOW that isn’t going to happen.

    I’m off to vote now.

  6. Tulip

    #103 now……..yeaaaaaaaaaa!!!

  7. mrs.frisbie

    Fantastic song. Would make great workout music for the ipod.

    Voted for you, good luck!

  8. Sheila Y

    I voted! You are on page 2 now, number 95 I think!! Good luck! Sheila

  9. Alexis@TroublesomeTots

    I voted! You’re currently at 90 – woot woot!

  10. Ann

    Per device, hmmm…..

    I sent my husband the link and he voted for you but then he made the mistake of going to your blog to read it, bless his heart. I think he’s scarred for life because it was the surgery one and once he saw the clown car he was DONE! Skeert!

    In this house there are 4 laptops, a iPad, a desktop and multiple smart phones. Guess I gots my work cut out for me!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, please don’t cut me! We need the flashy-thingy from Men In Black so we can erase his memory! So so so sorry. On the other hand, maybe the anatomy lesson will serve you in the long run. In which case, you are welcome.

      Hey, nice work on the voting… I’m now at #79!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!

      • Ann

        Don’t kill me, I sent it to everyone I know and they told two friends, and they told two friends…

        And umm, on the other thing, umm, life is GOOD!

  11. FiveOGrrl

    omfg, the cat poo-butt-scoot pic made me laugh out loud. i have found poo-scat-litter-clumps on my wall and ceilings before. One time my little dog Juicy used my chest and a poo sliding board and made a browntown streak on my t-shi(r)t. Em and I almost peed laughing….and poo’d.

  12. Kate Y

    This song is the best. “…Dajina fomit butt”… LOVE it. It’s been in my head all day.

  13. Allysgrandma

    Well I will vote as soon as I tell you that you should totally do a video of Buckethead and put in on You-Tube and maybe it will go viral like that girl who sang about Friday night or whatever it was….but be sure to save the money he makes for his future with his beautiful wife and family……don’t go spendin it on yourself now!

  14. Bernie Bickers

    Damn – you are moving up the charts faster than a early 80’s one-hit wonder! Tell your minions to vote from other places as well – work PC, Home PC, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry, etc. – anywhere with a different IP address. I’ll be voting a second time when I get home from work!

  15. Megan at declutterdaily

    I voted for you, of course.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Of course you did. Because you know good shit and you purge bad shit. You are the Declutter Goddess.

  16. Colleen M

    Voted and bumped you up to #69 (how did I get so lucky to get you to that number I’ll never know 😉 ). Come on people, just vote already, this girl deserves to be #1!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Whooo-hooo! Now THAT’s what I’m talking about Colleen!

  17. Melissa Gilbert

    I voted too! It looks like you’re number 69 now. Good place to be. 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Melissa! And special thanks for your sweet Facebook plug!

      • Melissa Gilbert

        You’re very welcome. I love your blog.

  18. Kelly

    Definitely voted – and I see that you’re up a few more spaces from the original post! Good luck, LOVE your blog 🙂

  19. Danielle

    Voted after your facebook post. Congrats on the nomination and Hope you win.

    p.s. that song made my day. George Foremen the phd not the boxer/grill maker said that if a child does something that makes you laugh something important is happening! I am glad something important is always happening at your house!

    • The Bearded Iris

      You just gave me goosebumps, Danielle! Seriously! My kids definitely make me laugh, and it is usually over pretty inappropriate things, but I can tell you from first hand experience that my FAVORITE sound in the universe is the sound of my father’s laugh. So I get it. Making a parent laugh is so affirming. Thanks for reminding me how good that feels for kids and to give them that pleasure more often! Truly – thank you for that.

      • Danielle

        The inappropriate things are the funniest, also the most important. They swear and you laugh, they are realizing the power of choice words. I taught preschool for 14 years and I was always laughing. Last year at clean up time when I asked a little guy to help, he told me he doesn’t have to because “he was a man” try not laughing at that!

        Anyways I have to clean up now. Only you could appreciate this, my dog just came in with a dirty a**. I did not notice, he has no tail so when he has loose bowels it sticks to his haunches and when he sits it gets on my floors. I didn’t notice till after I sat on the floor….. yep that right guess where I sat. So now I have laundry to do a floor to wash and a dogs butt to clean! I’m trying to laugh!!!!!

        • The Bearded Iris

          Oh my GAWD – that is NAST-AY! We should set him up with my ass-dragging cat. They could have dirty-ass interspecies sex. Make sure you squeeze in a cocktail between laundry, dog butt washing, and floor scrubbing. You deserve a gold star, mama!

  20. lea.taylor@me.com

    Voted. You’re at #65 BAY-BAY!

    Now I’m off to find my “other devices” – NO not those!!!! Unless I can vote with them, that is…
    Good luck gurl!

    • The Bearded Iris

      If you could vote with THOSE, you’d be a vajillionaire! “WI-VIBE.” Patent that, beeyotch!

  21. Didi

    Just voted!! Yeah!! Btw, miss “goody two shoes” *insert shock face*, you were on page 2 and if memory serves me correctly #63!!!!

    Go Iris, go Iris!!!

  22. Maggie

    #61!! And currently near the TOP of page two!! Woohoo!!
    Hmmm….maybe I can vote from the downstairs computer…..:)

  23. Anne @ Domesblissity

    Don’t ya hate “animal slidy bum syndrome”? My dogs do it all the time. Don’t even talk about the kids aversion to toilet paper! I voted via Facebook but will be spreading the word and I’ll be looking for other vices, oh, I mean devices. LOL You deserve to be in the top 50 Iris!

    Anne xx

  24. Lyndal

    Hello #58 and thank you, Iris, for being the sarcastic sunshine in my mundane days.

  25. Amanda

    I just want to say thank you. No, that’s not right, THANK YOU. Every time I check my feed and it shows me you have a new post I get a smile on my face because I know what ever you’ve posted that day will make me laugh. Seeing as how I’m living in a hotel right now because shit came up, literally go check out my blog if you don’t believe me, I can use every laugh and smile I can get. Thanks again.

  26. colleen

    VOTED!! BTW, you’re at 54 now =) I saw a couple of other blogs I follow on the list too, but YOU, funny girl, got my click =) And you won’t even need an antibiotic!!

  27. Mary Lou

    …dajina!!! Haha!

    • The Bearded Iris

      I know, right?! What a hoot.

  28. Mary Lou

    Those pet “butt draggers” are enough to make you tear out your carpets, fer shur.

  29. Jill

    Voted. Guess who is on page one!

    • The Bearded Iris

      MOI??? I just checked and I’m #40!!! Thank you for the vote, Jill!

  30. Jessiejack

    Thanks for the laugh with that photo of the tampon box! hilarious!!

  31. Jen @ HaHas for HooHas

    SHUT. UP. That little face inside the tampon box?! The cat poo rainbow?! It’s too much. I’m dying here.

    Congrats lady, that is SUCH an honor!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw, look at you, sticking around and reading my shiz! I might have to love on you for a while. Let me know if you ever need some really fucked up input for your HooHa ecards! I clearly have a gift for inappropriate humor. And vaginas.

      • Jen @ HaHas for HooHas

        We ALWAYS love input.

        Congrats on your Babble honor…and gift for vaginas. 😉

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