A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Veggies Gone Wild

It’s Wordless Wednesday in the blogosphere.

But today I’m going to call it Wondrous Wednesday.

Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by a vegetable? I have.

Well hello, gorgeous!

This is a real tomato.

I selected it myself from my local CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) last week.

Well of course I did. Hello? A tomato with a stiffy? Like the cutest puppy in the window, yelping my name: “Pick ME, Iris. CHOOOOSE ME!”

So I brought him home, and I photographed him, and then we castrated that bad boy and ate him up. And he was remarkable. Possibly the best I’ve ever had. Still have the tomato juice stains on my t-shirt to prove it, Monica Lewinsky style.

There is something so delightful to me about buying from a local farm where the produce is a little wild and randy at times. I applaud the farmers who picked this tomato off the vine and gently placed it in the tomato crate, probably with a smile on their faces. You won’t find a tomato like this at the Piggly Wiggly, that’s for damn sure.

sincerely and with gratitude,


P-to-the-S: if you like my amateur veggie porn and want to help others find and enjoy it too, vote for The Bearded Iris. I’m currently on page 1 of the Top 50 Mom Blogs at Babble.com!

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


  1. Barefeet InTheKitchen

    Woo hoo on hitting #26! That is definitely toast-worthy. Couldn’t you move closer to me, so we could celebrate with a drink or three?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Long distance toast! CHEERS!!! (Thank you!)

  2. Joanne

    WILL THE MADNESS EVER STOP? @&$*#&!)^%_ Good Lord, I hope not! I was on vacay for the past 2 weeks sans laptop and played catch up today. Between the cat Trail of Tears, Paula Deer in the headlights for dinner with Jesus and Oprah, Paula riding things (poor Paula- your subject 2x?), veggie porn and rice with extra protein, I just wet myself! YOU, my dear, must be exhausted! Do you ever sleep? Your mind just never stops, does it? You crack me up and how I wish I was your neighbor-but how many marriages would you destroy because we’d all be “over at Iris’s”, instead of doing laundry, cooking and cleaning and playing wifey on the range? But what an amazing block party with you as the emcee! Keep on doin’ what you do, because after all the $&*# in a day, your blog is my last read. It makes perfect sense of the world and puts things in perspective before I end my day! Your blog and a glass of wine, that is…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Joanne, how I do love thee. Exhausted? Nah. It’s my therapy! I write it to get it outta my head. It helps quiet the demons. Now if only I could make a buck doing it.

      I wish you were my neighbor too! The fun we would have when I come over everyday to “borrow” a cup of hooch or photograph your dog’s poop or ask you if these jeans make my camel toe look fat. Scratch that…I’m probably a much better blog-neighbor than I am a real neighbor. Just ask Tammy. That whore. 😉 (JK Tammy – you know I love you more than my luggage!)

  3. Kate Y

    I just have to ask: Did you put that tomato stiffy in your mouth? I would have. You know… because he was so excited you picked him.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Kate, I cannot confirm nor deny that the part of this tomato that allegedly resembles an erection was in or around my mouth.

      In other words: I. Did not. Have. Sexual. Intercourse. With that. Tomato.

      (Off the record, of course I did!)

  4. Julie @ mamamash

    You totally tongued that tomato tumescence before you tossed it into the salad.

    #26, bitches. Love it.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wait…what? I just looked up “tumescence”!! WORD NERD ALERT. Love it!!! That’s a great word! It means swelling! Hahahahaha! Thanks for teaching me a new boner word. I hope to use it against you in Words with Friends sometime soon!!! 🙂

  5. Megan at declutterdaily

    I think the Lord may have sent you this tomato to help you with your blogging success. What are the odds?

    <3 <3 <3

    • The Bearded Iris

      Jesus does love the sinners, that’s fo sho. Thanks Megan!

  6. Allysgrandma

    I so agree Joanne! I am a bad enough housewife as it is with my bestie next door who is 25 years younger than me with a 2.5 year old who just got home after a month!

    I think I may have some vege porn from previous years….my husband holding a zucchini that was odd-shaped. I will have to try to find it.

    #26!! I wish I had more tech besides my one desktop!

  7. Alison@Mama Wants This

    That? IS. AWESOME.

  8. Katybeth

    A sensationalist mommy blogger with taste…instead of Dooce vagina we have Iris’s tomato with a stiffy.
    Yet the post is still classy because the to-ma-toe is very cute AND you could really have gone wild with the title but stayed on the tame side.

    Wishing you continues good luck.

    • Katybeth

      or continued good luck..SHEESH.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I love you Katybeth! You might be the only person in the world who would call me classy and tame. I’m so keeping you!

  9. Rochelle

    Only you!!

    Hey- check this out my yinzer sista -http://shop.cafepress.com/yinz

    • Rochelle

      Oh- I bet that would make a great Paula Deen riding things photo…hehehe…

      • The Bearded Iris

        Oh didn’t think I didn’t go there in my head about a vajillion times, Rochelle. But I didn’t want to wear poor Paula out! I think she’ll be funniest if I just pull her out once in a while for special occasions. Like my Magic Cream.

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG – there’s a bumper sticker that says “Kennywood’s Open!” That rocks, n’at, yinz!

  10. emfine

    How in the world do you stumble upon the things that you do. It’s like you are a walking comedy. I’m getting ready to hop across the pond to see my hubby’s fam. I’m going to get you some international exposure – although you may already have it. As always, love reading your daily delights! XO

  11. Meg @ Adventures as a Small Town Mom

    What a find! A veggie with a stiffy – amazing. You should have totally posted a picture of your stained shirt too.

  12. JD @ Momagement

    I can only hope I am lucky enough to find veggie porn in my own humble garden this year. I have some interesting beans right now, but they’re most in the realm of Skinamax. Not full-fleged veggie porn. But I do have lots of oddly shaped tomatoes – here’s hoping…

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