A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

It’s just a phase…I hope.

So we took the whole mishpucha to the local Farmers’ Market the other day. I have as much fun people-watching at these places as I do noshing on the free samples.

Keeping track of three kids in a crowd is never easy. Even with two adults, we’re always playing zone defense. Bucket Head, the 4 year old, makes it extra challenging. He’s small, he’s fast, and he’s mischievous. It’s like  playing “Where’s Waldo” 24/7, minus the striped hat.

At some point between the cheese table and the fresh flowers, I lost him…again. Frantically scanning the crowd, I was not watching where I was going and bumped right into this gorgeous lady:

I was so startled to feel FUR on my face that I think I may have yelped a little. {Like, “Oh my God, kids…why did your Dad take his shirt off at a farmers’ market?!}

Oh phew! It’s just a little dog…

…in a Baby Bjorn.


Thankfully, she was very nice about the fact that I had just accidentally groped her little dog and she permitted me to take some pictures. Personally, I was just relieved that I hadn’t accidentally “yiffed” someone in public. Oh just google it, Grandma. I don’t have time to explain all the freaky new sex fetishes the kids are up to these days.

I had never seen a dog carried in this manner before, so I chatted her up for a minute. While we were talking, Bucket Head appeared out of nowhere.

"May I please pet your fur-baby?"

He was entranced with this pretty Mommy and her pets. And she was so sweet to him!

She totally let Bucket Head pet her fur-baby. (Not a euphemism.)

Then Bucket Head got caught up in the moment and decided to let his Freak Flag fly:

Yep. That’s my boy…smelling her dog’s crotch. I was all: “Heh-heh-heh {nervous laugh}…he’s going through a phase where he likes to smell stuff. Just ignore him and he’ll stop.”

Luckily for us, she was very understanding. Plus, with Bucket Head’s speech impairment, she had no idea what the hell he was saying.

"Mmmmmm. Your fur-baby 'mells so dood!"

Oh my God…look at the poor humiliated dog! She’s looking away like, “Really? First you put me in this ridiculous baby carrier and then you let strange kids smell my junk? Just wake me when it’s over.”

You and me both, my diminutive hostage canine sister.

Just another day in the life,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved. Get your own fur baby.


  1. amy

    OMG I really shouldn’t read your blog at work! Too hard to not laugh.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yay! My work is done for the day then. Thank you, Amy, and cheers!

  2. FiveOGrrl

    We have 6, yes, 6 fur babies for him to grope…and sniff. 3 cats and 3 chihuahuas! One cat, Vinny Van GoGo is missing a front arm and an ear….maybe they were inhaled off by a buckethead.

  3. Leighann

    I can’t stop laughing!
    OMG.. THAT is hilarious!
    Who carries their dog in a baby carrier? What if it pees on her?
    Perhaps she isn’t concerned, which is why she doesn’t seem to care that your child is sniffing doggy’s area.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I know! But on the plus side, hands free shopping! And the cute little doggie never gets trampled in crowded places. I kinda get it.

  4. jsmit29

    Hilarious! I’ve never carried a dog like this but, embarrassingly, I probably would. While there’s always the possibility, if you know your dog well you can usually predict when they’ll need to “go”. Let them potty just before the outing and, depending on age and how much they drink/eat, they’ll be good to go for a while. Kind of like kiddos that way….actually, I think dogs are much more predictable. :p I’m so intrigued by the pictures I’ve seen of people pushing dogs in strollers….I haven’t yet worked up enough courage to try it though.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I have a neighbor who carries his dog around in one of those tow-behind bike stroller thingies. Cracks me up every time! I have no idea why he doesn’t walk her on a leash. To each his own, I guess.

      Seriously, if I was a small dog person, I would TOTALLY wear my dog. I think it is a HOOT.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  5. My Inner Chick

    Oh, My!
    —-that is one of the cutest things i’ve ever seen.
    I would have definitley stopped to pet that pretty pup.
    Fabulous stuff.
    You are hilareous.
    Does that chick know you have her & pup in your blog today ?? HA HA

  6. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    Nothing says “let’s be friends!” like letting someone’s kid sniff your dog’s junk.

    • The Bearded Iris

      True dat! She was awesome. We were cracking up at how weird/cute my kid is. Thank GOD. I would have died if she was nasty about it. One time Bucket Head ran head first into some lady’s shopping cart at the grocery store and split his head open. The lady he hit was a bitch about it. I’m there, on the floor, wiping blood off his forehead with a dirty kleenex from the bottom of my purse, and she’s all “That’s why they make shopping carts with a spot for children to sit.” I’mma tell you what, in front of God and everyone at Publix I told her to get back on her broom and fuck herself with it. Mean people suck.

      • Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

        Good for you. I hate mean people. I usually just try to curse them with vulval contact dermatitis in situations like this.

  7. Julie @ mamamash

    It’s called a fucking leash.

    At least the crazy lady was nice to Bucket Head.

  8. Ann

    I have a confession to make…I have a dog stroller and a dog sling carrier for my dogs. They’re all small, 11 pounds and under so it works. My husband won’t push the stroller and would pretend he didn’t known me if I wore the sling carrier when he was around but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

    Bring Buckethead over, there’s 3 dogs so he could just sniff till his little heart is content!

    Off the Google “tiff”…maybe…

  9. Julie @ mamamash

    Ok wait a minute. Maybe she’s not crazy, because what does it say about me that I notice her doggie baby carrier but don’t even comment about the child sniffing the dog’s crotch?

    Also, I knew what yiffing was. Sigh. Time to take a walk around the block with a pit bull in a stroller I guess.

  10. MikeP

    Now this is a Strangers With Candy moment (yeah, I’ve been reading you. “pinky all stinky” what the…?).

    By the way, the latest double issue New Yorker has a brand new David Sedaris (met him once, he’s lovely) piece and it’s one of his best.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Mike – where’ve you been?! I was beginning to think you are cheating on me with another blogger. You are one of my only male commenters! We need your testosterone here.

      YOU’VE MET DAVID SEDARIS?! Holy Crap. I fricking love him.

  11. Karin

    Holy moly, that’s funny. My wee one never did anything that silly, thank goodness.
    Well, he has been sniffing feet lately. I suppose that could lead to yorkie crotches.
    Who the hell does that? A dog in a Bjorn? Ugh.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh I bet he did…you just weren’t poised and ready with the camera. Silly things, that is, not necessarily yorkie crotch sniffing. My kid is exactly what Mister Rogers was talking about when he said “You’re special.”

  12. Martha (MM)

    Voted 🙂

  13. GiGi

    OMG Iris you are so f-ing funny!!!! I laughed so hard I was crying while reading your post. Thanks! I really needed a good laugh. I can always count on your posts for that.

    • The Bearded Iris

      GiGi!!! OMG, thanks! I didn’t even know you knew about my super secret double life! Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  14. Megan at declutterdaily

    a dog in a bjorn.
    Does she know you blogged this?

    I know someone who would do this. I hope they don’t read this and get the idea.

    How do you find these things. God loves you.

    • The Bearded Iris

      No… she was just a kind stranger we bumped into (literally). I really need to make some business cards so I can hand them out to people and say, “You are special! I’m probably going to blog about you. Here’s my URL!” Whadyathink?

  15. Mads

    This is too great! I have absolutely no idea how I would react if a kid started sniffing my dog’s “no-no special place”. hahaha

    When I was little, my dad frequently took me to the farmer’s market. Some guy was walking around with 1/2 a watermelon at my face level. As he walked past me I took a big ole bite out of it. Luckily he cracked up laughing! Some people surprise me.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh that is awesome! Perhaps the kind of people who frequent farmers’ markets are just more laid back and friendly because of all the organic local produce surging through their bodies?!

  16. Megan

    On vacation, sitting on my deck while the hubs puts thing one to sleep. Loving that you made my few minutes of “alone time” today totally worth it!!

    But, seriously, a dog in a baby carrier? That wigged me out. Your kid sniffing it’s crotch? That seemed totally normal to me — go figure!

  17. Allysgrandma

    How in the world did I miss this until now. Oh I know, it’s because joined the “remember Eureka when” group on facebook and must get 50 e-mails a day telling me someone posted something….

    Okay it’s Saturday and I have a horrible migraine for some reason, stiff as a board, no not my husband, me….can barely sit on the toilet, drag myself out and turn on the coffee (why didn’t DH before he left for work)… so decde to just see what is going on with you and I get this another LOL forget my headache, forget my body aches post. I don’t know what yiffing is so I have to go look that up.

    Thanks for another pain alleviating post….at least while I was reading it…now where is the coffee and pain pills……

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, step one – create an email filter so all the emails from Facebook go into a separate folder and don’t clutter up your inbox. Another choice is to change your FB settings so you don’t get an email every time someone someone farts. You need to make Facebook your bitch, or it will drive you crazy.

      Step two – train that husband to start the coffee! Not cool, furry man.

      It makes me SO happy to know that I can alleviate your pain and suffering somehow with my craziness. Thank you for letting me know! That is just the kickstart I need for days when I don’t feel like I have it in me. XOXOX!

  18. AlexandraFunFit

    I need to get a life – I have no idea what yiffing is. But I know what planking is so maybe I’ll come out okay. When your small dog sticks out farther than your hooties, it’s a sad day for gravity (and WonderBras). And you should come here to Santa Barbara; David Sedaris comes here every year. Say, maybe I’ll ask HIM what yiffing is. He’ll know. WWDSD?

    • The Bearded Iris

      That does it, I’m definitely coming to Santa Barbara. I’ll bring my dog, my comb, my WonderBra, and my David Sedaris books. If DS knows what yiffing is, it is only to make fun of the Furries who do it.

  19. Rebekah

    I don’t think she has any room to judge your kid for crotch-sniffing when she’s carrying her dog like a baby. I’m allllll about my dogs but that’s a bit odd, even for me (and I’m typing this with one of my pups curled up in bed next to me with her ass on my pillow – so perhaps I shouldn’t throw stones…).

  20. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    I just snarfed my coffee.

  21. Katybeth

    Not big on carriers and strollers for dogs. If they can’t walk on a leach and coller without being stepped on leave them at home. That’s harsh, I know. But I feel the same way about putting kids on a leash….sort of.

    Dog greet each other through smell–a handshake of sort. However, If this terrier could reach Bucket Heads nose–it would be shorter.

    Love our Farmer Markets. One makes and sells donuts fried in grease right before your eyes and then hands it to you in a grease laden napkin. They are very fresh.

  22. AlexandraFunFit

    Update: My 17 year old son was on my computer and asked me, “Mom, why do you have ‘yiffing’ in your search bar?” So I narked on you. Hope that’s okay. By the time I got to, “There’s an element of sexual gratification to it,” he was in his room with the door shut, mumbling something about how weird his mom is.

  23. tracy Beckerman

    New fan! New fan! I love this post on so many levels. The dog in the carrier? The crotch smelling kid? CLASSIC!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      WHOOOP-WHOOOOP! Sounding the New Fan Alert!!! Thank you Tracy! Looking forward to getting to know you.

  24. Teri

    I’m in stitches – your kid is amazing. Love the humour! I just started and can’t wait to read more 🙂

  25. Carol Paxman

    I just found your blog, I’m laughing my ass off, and I just peed a little!

  26. Keri McDaniel

    Definitely a bit late on this one, but my little girl does the sniffing thing, too>..< LOL that is tooooo funny though, glad she was understanding about it. I mean sure, she probably went home and told the story to anyone of her friends who would hear it, but still, at least she didn't shame him for it or anything:)

  27. Greg

    Bahahahha. Hilarious Leslie! BucketHead is gonna kill you when he’s older.

    Your friends from the D,

    • The Bearded Iris

      GREG!! How awesome of you to stop by and read about Bucket Head’s crotch sniffing phase! Yay! New friends! Please say hi to Julie for me. Loved getting to meet and hang out with you guys. Friends from the D are my favorite.

© 2022 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑