A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Sandy Beaver Auditorium



And speaking of which…

One time my daughter performed in a dance recital in the Sandy Beaver Auditorium at Riverside Military Academy in Gainesville, Georgia. True story.

Sandy. Beaver. Auditorium.

Couldn’t make it up if I tried.

Apparently named after a dedicated young educator named Sandy Beaver who became president of the academy and gained ownership of it in 1915. Beaver would go on to run Riverside for the next 56 years. Ah, those were the good ol’ days. When gay meant joyful, a bitch was just a female dog, and beavers were merely industrious mammals with funky flat tails.

For the strapping young men of Riverside, Sandy Beaver is a good thing. But for me, the name Sandy Beaver conjures only one vision.

And God bless my Mom for embracing her role as official “Kid Kleaner” while we vacation with her every year. My kids sure are missing their MeeMaw and her awesome spa baths.

Sandy Beaver Auditorium. I chuckle every time I say it. Actually, I can’t say it…I have to sing it…like a compulsion. And I sing it to the tune of “Do You Know The Way to San Jose?” by the incomparable Dionne Warwick (way before the Psychic Friends phase of her career). I do this often. It makes me happy. Try it. It will brighten your day.

And if that doesn’t work, maybe just feel grateful that you aren’t removing sand from your lips and eyelashes. That’s never easy or fun. Just ask my daughter and her Sandy Beaver.

Happy Monday, friends!


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


  1. Liza Martz

    It’s too bad the Sandy Beaver isn’t located in Big Bone Lick state park in KY. What an awesome duo they would make.

  2. mrs.frisbie

    Well… if you’re gonna make me have a song stuck in my head, it may as well be a completely crass one. I once knew a girl who sang “I beat my meat on the toilet seat” to the tune of camptown ladies. It’s been 10 years since I’ve seen her and I can’t shake that one, either.

    Thanks, again, for multiple chuckles. You’re the best!

  3. Kate Y

    Once when my dear friend Kristen and I took the kids to the beach, my daughter was picking at her sandy beaver all the way home.

  4. Allysgrandma

    My sister and I were driving by our home town high school several summers ago and you know how marquees in front of schools are always bragging about something….I swear the marquee had on it, “Just tryin to get by”. Yes that’s right we are not trying to be a great school producing kids going to Ivy League Schools…no we are just tryin to get by. We use the phrase when we talk to each other sometimes and it always makes us laugh. I cannot believe I have been in South Carolina a week already. I think I am becoming aclimated. Did I spell that correctly?

  5. Bernie Bickers

    People who live in Cummings houses should not cast stones (at Sandy Beavers).

  6. Kristy

    Ha ha ha! The trick is to take a BIG bottle of baby powder with you to the beach! You just spray it on their legs…., and it brushes the sand right off without any abrasions! Little trick my friend taught me 😉

  7. Whateverkaty

    Muhahaha! Dude, you need to get a picture of the sign for that auditorium.

    Sandy beaver – VERY uncomfortable.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I KNOW! I could kick myself for not taking a picture the day of her recital. I must have been on my best behavior!

  8. FiveOGrrl

    Solid Gold dancer bitches.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Did you watch Solid Gold EVERY Saturday night like I did? Word on the street was that one of the dancers was from Pittsburgh (Rankin or Braddock, I think), so we watched it RELIGIOUSLY to see that yinzer shake her groove thang.

      • FiveOGrrl

        Of course i did. They were all prob from the burgh with all their BIG hair and slutty cat-like dance moves. I remember Madonna and Berlin on that show and Dionne Werewolfwench used to F*uck up every pop song that I loved by making it sound like she was moppin a floor in mowtown….Don’t even get me started about that Marlyn McPoop (McCoo)…her lip gloss be poppin way back in the 80’s. looked like she ate a bag full of BLOW POPS stick first….pfffffffffffffft.

        • The Bearded Iris

          OMG, I hated Maryln McCoooch and her whole Fifth Dimension. But the Saturday Night line up… Solid Gold, Dance Fever (with Denny Terio), Love Boat, Fantasy Island?! Damn…that was fun on a stick. My parents sure ’nuff let me watch a lot of TV. Figures.

          • Fiveogrrl

            Me too, I am wicked fierce on a bar trivia team when it comes to Pop Culture and TV. I slay those bitches like Dionne ruined Culture Club’s ” Do you really want to hurt me?” Yes, dee dee, I do you horse toof heffer.

  9. Anne @ Domesblissity

    You know I’ll be singing “Do You Know the way to San Jose?” all day. Thanks Iris! LOL

    Anne xx

    • The Bearded Iris

      Do they have that song all the way in Australia?! Thought you just had didjeridu music. (kidding!) Thanks for being here Anne! 🙂

  10. Megan at declutterdaily

    I have never NEVER understood parents that give their children adjectives as first names if their last name is a common noun. I went to school with Rusty Lemon and worked with Richard Whacker.

    Yes, Dick Whacker, that’s right.

    He was surprisingly well-adjusted for having carried that moniker around with him for 27 years.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh that’s rich!!! Rusty Lemon & Dick Whacker! WOW. The worst I’ve ever heard of was the North Carolina twins named Winner and Loser. Supposedly Winner was in jail and Loser was a police officer. So much for labels that stick.

  11. Kimberly

    Why on Earth would you name your child that?? That’s just cruel!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Fo shizzle. Some people are just a-holes, I guess. That’s why I name my kids things like Bucket Head and Klepto.

  12. Karin

    Here in southeastern Michigan, we have a road called Big Beaver Road. When driving on the freeway, the exit for Big Beaver is exit 69. It has been a consistent joy in my life to be driving up I-75 and to see that exit. Everyone in the car feels overwhelmed by the urge to announce that we have reached “Big Beaver Road, Exit 69!”
    Now that I’m all grown up, I live even closer to Big Beaver, and you’d think in all of my graceful maturity that I wouldn’t make such juvenile jokes about a road name anymore.
    Not so much.
    Just this past weekend, we drove past the road, and I had to chuckle and my fiance’ asked me what was so funny.
    I said, “I can’t believe how close we are to Big Beaver.” I barely got the whole sentence out without laughing like a 12 year old boy.
    He chuckled with me and said I was silly. I told him about the joy of seeing the exit on the way to concerts and such back in my youth, and how everyone in the car always got such a laugh at it. He just shook his head. That’s why I like him so much, I think.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You are my kind o’ girl! Funny, the older I get, the closer I am to Big Beaver too.

  13. Mamadonn

    I had a high school friend who’s name was Tommy Head. When he got married (shotgun-Style) he named his firstborn son Richard.

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