A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

OMG…another horrifying plastic surgery trend.

There was a story on the Today show yesterday morning about couples having plastic surgery together.

I think.

I was choking on my All Bran too hard to hear the whole thing.

“The look is natural and appealing to everyone,” says BOTOX® patient Nancy Emmitte of Fort Worth, Texas.

Alrighty then.

Clearly “natural” means different things to different people. Like the people who call MSG “natural flavoring” on the back of the Ramen Noodles bag.

Nancy, you look so familiar to me. I can’t place my finger on it, but you definitely remind me of someone. Hmmm….

Is it this lady?

No… not quite.

How about her:


Oh, I know…

There you are! Hello, you.

I’m often the last one to know these things, but is there a new beauty trend? The higher the eyebrow arch, the closer to God? Why would anyone want to always look so surprised?!

And this look requires needles, people. Needles in the face. Needles filled with live botulism… a toxin that paralyzes your facial muscles so as to flatten out those pesky furrows.

But hey, to each his/her own. Who am I to judge? I have a beard! You say po-TAH-to, I say Pinot Grigio.

But this isn’t just about Nancy. Women have been doing stupid shit to themselves in the name of “beauty” since the beginning of time. What makes this story special is that Nancy’s husband Nick is going with her and having his own BOTOX® injections so he can “keep up with” his wife’s good looks.

Pack your emergency kits, folks. This is surely the beginning of the apocalypse.

“Make me look like I’m not mad,” said Nick right before the Nurse Practitioner jabbed him with a poison filled needle right between the eyes. Youch!

Ironic. I would think dropping $400 every 4-6 months to temporarily paralyze your forehead with injectable toxins would actually make someone feel, and thus look, MORE angry. Maybe Nick wouldn’t have so many deep set wrinkles if he wasn’t blowing his money on “his and her” Frankenfaces.

Not to pick on Nick and Nancy. Their friends are doing enough of that for all of us.

I don’t know what burns my biscuits the most about this: the pandemic of low self esteem or the ridiculous amount of money being spent on something so shallow.

According to Today, Americans spent nearly $10.7 BILLION on procedures in 2010, which was up 9% from the year before. Is there really that much extra money floating around our country? Damn. Can I have some?

“People are trying to look more well rested, younger… trying to get jobs, maintain their jobs, get clients… I think that has a lot to do with it,” speculates Vanessa Sisson, Nurse Practitioner.

I get that. This would be a scary time to be without a job.

But you know what else is scary?…facial paralysis.

Get that toxin injected too deep or too low, and HOLLA… you don’t look well rested or younger. You look like Droopy Dog.

I don’t know about you, but if I’m hiring someone, I’m probably NOT going to pick the guy who looks like he might fall asleep with his face in the soup at our next big client luncheon.

And the idea of couples doing this TOGETHER? This isn’t tennis, or golf, or a wine tasting. This is an elective surgical procedure. 

Gosh, I hope couples who get facial injections together don’t get all hot and horny and leave the doctor’s office all hopped up on the “we’re going to look so hot!” wave. Apparently you’re not supposed to rub the treated area for at least twelve hours after your BOTOX® procedure and you are told not to lie down for three to four hours after treatment or the toxins can spread and effect the wrong things. (According to FaceForum.)

D’ya hear that Nick and Nancy? No rubbing. No lying down. You don’t want your new BOTOX injections to migrate to your eye area and cause blindness! Then you wouldn’t be able to see how hot you both look. 

I just don’t get it. But then again, I don’t get a lot of things…like Planking, or Owling, or butthole bleaching.

We need a revolution. We need brave men and women to take a stand against this ridiculous pressure to look young. And the revolution is going to have to start from within. We have to stop comparing ourselves to the photoshopped or surgically augmented images we see in the media and start accepting and loving ourselves for who we are.

And this needs to happen now. Our children are watching. People are hurting themselves, exposing themselves to ridiculous risks, and in the end, they are looking worse than when they started.

Remember when we were teens and we slathered ourselves in baby oil to get that savage tan (while sneaking our moms’ Virginia Slims). And now we’re all having suspicious moles the size of nickels removed from our backs? (No? Just me?) And here we are decades later buying sunscreen shirts for our kids and putting on hats and sunscreen before we even go outside to get the paper?

Think about that.

What are all these BOTOX-ed people going to look like in 20 years?

image credit http://www.oddee.com

No thank you.

Go look at yourself in the mirror right now and tell yourself, OUT LOUD, three things that you love about yourself. Bonus points if you get nekkid first. Go ahead. Do it. I’ll wait.

YOU. Are. Beautiful.

Now start taking better care of yourself, from the inside out.


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

PS – I have no way of controlling the ad that is going to appear below. If it is an ad for plastic surgery, DO NOT CLICK IT. I beg you. 


  1. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    With all this Botulism swimming around their surprised faces, how do couples do that naughty eyebrow-wiggling-let’s-go-do-the-dirty-dance thing in order to make a discreet dash from parties/family gatherings?
    No thank you.

  2. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    LOL, it totally was an ad for plastic surgery. I agree with you. In fact, I LIKE that my face moves when I talk. It’s expressive and it helps me add emphasis to punchy words like fuck.

  3. This Mid 30s Life

    I don’t get it. I can’t even get my husband to wear aftershave.

    Have you seen the 6 pack implants? He looks like the Incredible Hulk:

    • Anneh

      I hear you. I can’t get my husband to wear deodorant. Also, he was thrilled when I found a grey hair on his head just before his 30th birthday. I told him to tell me I’m getting more blonde…you know, IF he ever finds any greys on me!

  4. Ann

    Not getting nekkid, that would even offend me.

    Just saw Barry Manilow on TV yesterday and I was thinking the same thing. He was on with Suzanne Sommers and they both looked so odd that it made my bumpy, dimpled tummy feel queasy. Then I looked in the mirror and my worry lines were even worse due to seeing them on TV! What’s a girl to do???

  5. This Mid 30s Life

    Me again…. gotta love Adsense. My love, did you realise your blog is now featuring ads for plastic surgery? x

    • The Bearded Iris

      Bastards! I knew it! Those google guys are such evil geniuses!

  6. W. C. Camp

    HA you called it – GoogleAds put up a ‘skin tightening’ ‘vert under your post. I clicked on it anyway so you could earn a dime for your time and anyway I have always wanted to know what it feels like being a pin cushion? Great post! W.C.C.

  7. Kristen Kotrlik

    Love it.
    It’s amazing that people think they look good after getting these things done… but they are all avoiding the obvious… you’re gonna die. Spend your money on something else…. Like shoes.

  8. Kristen Kotrlik

    Oh… and I’m totally saving my money up for vaginal rejuvination.

    • FiveOGrrl


  9. Liza Martz

    This woman I know got a Botox injection in her neck for migraines. I don’t know if her headache went away but her neck stretched forward, parallel to the ground, and froze that way. She looked like a turtle.

  10. Meg

    Terrifying! I love the picture of carrot top.

    Love your advice about saying three things you like about yourself.

  11. Megan at declutterdaily

    It’s awful. Isn’t it. I hear the botox buzz going around the mom’s in my circle. I just want to slap them sensible.

  12. Joanne

    Thanks so much for that! You would not believe the $$$$$$$$$$$$ spent on looking young!. I live in the Palm Beach Florida area and I worked very briefly (one month) for a plastic surgeon- then I realized it was not for me- I could never give that kind of control to someone else to decide what I should look like. Before I quit I saw money come thru that office like I have never seen. In 3 days they brought in enough money to pay my yearly salary! You would not believe how many women came in and paid in cash so their husbands didn’t know. And that’s $400. a syringe and one syringe doesn’t go very far. How can you hide that much money from your husband? heck- how can you have that much extra money around to ‘hide’ in the first place? I could go on and on, but will leave you with this to scratch your head about: I recently got an e mail from my very large (also in the Palm Beach area) gyno practice announcing they too were getting into the botox/restalin/juvaderm cash cow. The latest use for restalin ( a plumper upper that is also injected- costs even more than botox)- G spot injections to “enhance” a woman’s sexual experience. Ouch. I kid you not.

    Thanks for reminding us all how beautiful we are. It does get harder to look in the mirror some days- but how is it when I look at my husband I don’t see the 31 years we have been married? I still ‘see’ him as I did the day I laid eyes on him. He then reminds me he sees the same thing when he looks at me. And there is no one else whose opinion counts more-

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh thank you Joanne! Love all your eye witness accounts! I have indeed heard of the G-Shot. YOWZA! I don’t begrudge any woman doing whatever it takes to get her groove on. I just hope that those women exhaust all the other, less invasive options first. You know what’s supposed to be great for enhancing a woman’s sexual experience? Money. Kidding. Kegel exercises. I’d buy my pelvic floor its own little track suit with matching wrist bands before I let someone stick a needle in my hoo-hoo. But maybe that’s just me.

  13. Julie @ mamamash

    HA! It was an ad for plastic surgery. Hilarious.

    I agree with this. Even if I do develop wrinkles one day, which is unlikely since fat people are fluffier and therefore less prone to raisining, I’ll wear ’em gracefully.

    Needles in your face. Harumph.

  14. laura

    the higher the eyebrow the closer to God! oh that was good Iris. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

  15. Allysgrandma

    It was bad enough having a skin biopsy on my cheek to rule in or out lupus (ruled out). However, I did consider his and hers colonoscopies this year! But then who would have driven us home? I had mine first. DH’s is Wednesday, the day after his birthday!

  16. Zippy

    It’s those dang Housewives on Bravo…(doesn’t matter which city). They have made “a little work done” as common as dandelions. Love LOVE this post!!

  17. Kate Takes 5

    Maybe you should spearhead the bearded botox look – for women of course. It could catch on.

  18. kara

    You are beautiful too Iris! The more you make us smile the more beautiful we become.
    On a side note – why do I feel slightly nervous when I click on one of your links?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Kara!

      Don’t be nervous! I’d never put my readers in harm’s way. Knowledge is power! Read on, you saucy wench. 😉

  19. Leighann

    I love my angry eyebrows and my frown.
    It keeps crazy people asking for money away.
    If I look happy it invites conversation.

  20. Jen Has A Pen

    Stop raining on my parade. I’m 31 and one of my life’s goals is to scare the shit out of the line in between my brows by way of poison. Leave it to you to make me feel guilty. Damn you.

    I can’t make any promises. I may paralyze myself one day, in which case, you will have free rights to all my before and after photos. I wanna look super intrigued. And a little bit like Austin Powers.

  21. bernie bickers

    Funny, Terry Gilliam (of Monty Python fame) saw this coming down the road decades ago. Did you ever see “Brazil” (circa mid-to-late 1980’s), his dystopic take on the future? A running gag in the movie revolves around a woman who has one botched plastic procedure after another until finally her face disintegrates.

  22. Didi

    Well, I’m 46, have had 5 kids, two of them twins. So the “ol body” isn’t what it used to be that’s for sure. But you know what, it’s who I am, period. Do I like my old lady chicken neck? Hell no, but will I get it fixed? Hell no!! I have better things to spend my money on.

    When my dh and I got married, we promised each other to “grow old together”… isn’t that what marrige is about? WTH is wrong w/ these ppl? Oh I know, more money than freakin brains!!

  23. Yup

    I am a 21 year old college student and let me tell you that this is refreshing! I will come back to these posts for sooooo long 😀 Thank you for reminding us about inner beauty. Living in LA sure sucks when it comes to avoiding ads lol.

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