A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

An auspicious sign!


“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it never was.” ~Chinese Proverb


Remember this guy?

He was Bucket Head’s favorite trick-or-treating loot last year, until he lost him in the yard and Ike, our insatiable dog, gobbled him up like a rubbery green Snausage.

We sure were sad about losing that cheap little stretchy green skeleton. And when I say “we,” of course I mean “he”…because frankly, I couldn’t give a shit.

Unlike my dog, who did give a shit… a very entertaining shit, in fact. And finding that favorite little toy encased in that foul crypt a few weeks later was just the closure “we” needed to move on and find a new favorite toy. Goodbye stretchy green friend.

{Insert sound of screeching tires.}

Not so fast.

Lookie what Nature Boy found in our garden the other day:


Looks like the worms and dung beetles picked him clean. Well, pretty clean. Cleaner, let’s say.

Like I care. Shoot, that formerly-poop-entombed toy is one of the least disgusting things that kid touched all day. He’s in middle school now, don’t you know.

I guess that means this cheap little toy is ours forever, according to ancient wisdom.

Now, some might take this as an affront, a cruel twist of fate. As in: “THIS is what I get back? Really? Not the tennis bracelet I lost on a walking tour of Asheville in 2002? Or the dreamy future Hollywood movie and television star I briefly befriended in high school?”

No. Not me. I’m not bitter.

One of the few things I have control over in my life, theoretically, is the way I respond to life’s little curveballs. So instead, I choose gratitude and joy.

I think it is very auspicious that this little green toy keeps coming back to me. I’m certain it is a sign of resiliency. It reminds me that no matter how crappy things sometimes get, if you wait long enough, it will get better. Now of course I’m talking about “the small stuff” we all sweat, not that suspicious lump growing on your neck, Aunt Betty. Get that checked out, for Pete’s sake.

The other reason I take delight in the reappearance of this little toy is that I’m pretty sure it firmly cements my position in the blogosphere as the Princess of Poop. The Queen of Crap. The Duchess of Doo-Doo. So be it.

Hey, we all need a niche. I’m just trying to go with the flow.

So I’m going to wash the daylights out of this resilient little green skeleton and then put him in my “Shit My Kids (and Dog) Ruined” box. Maybe someday I’ll take all those little partially eaten and melted and broken tchotchkes and turn them into ornaments for a funny little “Holy CRAP, Parenting/Dog Owning is HARD” themed Christmas tree. Maybe I’ll do that when Mini-Me is in high school, as a supplemental form of birth control. Yes. I like that idea. I like it a lot.

But until then, it’s poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, and more poop for me. Bring it. I will survive.

My toilet bowl is half full,


One giant poop-covered © 2011, The Bearded Iris.



  1. Julie @ mamamash

    You are, indeed, the Empress of Excrement. 🙂

  2. Clare @ it's all good in the motherhood

    This gave me my morning laugh! I love your positive attitude, girlie! I agree wholeheartedly!

  3. oneshabbychick

    Fabulous! Love it. You are the queen of the poop post!

  4. Megan at declutterdaily

    Was it Jon Hamm? Even if it wasn’t just tell me it was. O.K.

    I like that x-mas tree.

    • The Bearded Iris

      How’d you know?! It WAS Jon Hamm!

      (Shhhh, don’t tell Megan, but it was not Jon Hamm.)

  5. Kristen Kotrlik

    I, for one, do not wish to find my half a Coach Loafer somewhere in my yard. But YAY for that shitty skeleton coming back! Sort of like a Fecal Zombie.

  6. Bernie Bickers

    S till
    H earin’bout
    I ris’
    T urds

  7. Allysgrandma

    Oh the hilarity of it all…….
    By the way I thought of Tuesday Tip for ya. Yesterday with the men hunting, both mine and my neighbor…I decided I would take the recycling. I put all the plastic bins into DH’s other truck that doesn’t have a camper and drove it around the block to park in front of my next door neighbor’s driveway (easier than backing up, I hate driving trucks). She starts to drag out all the empty beer and alcohol bottles and shoot there is chew spit in them. YUCK! Her husband apparently thought if you hunted you had to chew…..so not true. Anyway he told her he was giving it up, in the meantime here are all these bottles with spittle, etc in them. Luckily I had surgical gloves on as I had been gardening…..So off I go with the gross mostly empty bottles and had to sort them by color once I got to recycling….well to make a long story short, it made me want to clean, a lot….

    So my Tuesday tip is that yes indeedy newspaper really is the most streak-free thing to wash your windows with because yesterday I cleaned my kitchen window inside and out with one of those cloths…I can’t think of the name of them….and sure enough my kitchen window was streaky this morning. So I got today’s newspaper (took every other newspaper in the house to recycling yesterday) and rewashed using newspapers for a streak-free appearance.

    Okay back to cleaning…oh wait I have a dental cleaning in one hour, better jump in the shower and floss my teeth!

    Happy Monday!

  8. Kris the Colts fan

    No kids here, but I have three dogs and you should see what comes out of them some days. Seeds, paper towels, Kleenex and God only knows what else. It’s awesome.

  9. Livin In Duckville

    Hahahhaha… Julie@mamamash – Empress of Excretement …. rotflol

    Iris – “It reminds me that no matter how crappy things sometimes get, if you wait long enough, it will get better.” …. Shouldn’t you have ended the sentence with “…. if you wait long enough, it will come out in the wash.”?

    Yes, Iris, you do win the ‘poop-ularity’ contest by a ‘long streak’…. ahem – pun intended…

    • The Bearded Iris

      “Long streak”!!!! Holy CRAP, Sue, that’s funny! Thanks!

  10. FiveOGrrl

    I think I just named my band: Skeleton Scat. I’m gunna melt some faces.

  11. Didi

    LOL, I love the tree idea, too funny Iris!!

  12. S.K. Epperson

    Hey, I’ve just about had enough of your crap, Iris.


  13. Tiffany

    What a great story to start my morning!! Can’t wait to see the tree…

  14. Sarah M

    I just wanted to know where you got the skeleton because i have 2 of them but i want more for mme and my friend so can you please tell me where you got them thanks!

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