A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Just the Tip Tuesday: Don’t be an asshole.

You know, I don’t do a lot of ranting around here. Well maybe once or twice.

For the most part, when I blog, I try to keep things light and entertaining.

In addition, far be it from me to judge another person’s parenting. Ahem, what’s that they say about people living in glass houses?

But forgive me; I can no longer hold my tongue (or typing fingers). It has come to my attention that some of the parents in my child’s preschool carpool drop off line are assholes.

And not just because of the gigantic hair bows they put on their daughter’s heads. Jeeeeezus.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present exhibit A:

Excuse me, this is not a parade. Sit the fuck down and get buckled, Junior!

This was not just a quick “pop-up and test the wind direction” either. This kid remained in parade-mode for the entire quarter mile length of the carpool line:

"{ack ack ack} The fumes...can't breathe...must...get...air."

If this was an isolated incident, I could probably ignore it and perhaps just say a little prayer for that poor boy and his devil-may-care parents. But alas, I see this crap every single day. And that means every single day I get to tell my sweet little Bucket Head “No, you can’t do it too. Mommy loves you too much to put you in danger like that.”

Mark my words, it’s only a matter of time before he tells some kid on the playground “My Mommy loves me more than your Mommy loves your hillbilly ass.”

"Hang on, Sugar Britches, Daddy's about to make a turn."

Hey you! Ever hear of something called a car seat law? Or are you claiming sanctuary just because you’re in a church parking lot?

"Who me?"

Yes you, Sweet Cheeks. Sit your {ahem} hillbilly ass down before a bird builds a nest in that pie hole.

This next poor kid must not have a sunroof. No matter! He’ll just have to make do:

"Hey Mama! I can see the hubcaps spinning!"

As you can see, these are pretty nice cars. Which just goes to show you, you can’t buy common sense.

I swear, there is some kind of gravitational forcefield that melts parents’ brains the minute they get into the carpool line at this school.

Don’t they realize that about 98% of the parents driving the other cars in this carpool line are texting (or taking photos of your kid doing something dangerous)? If one of us fails to notice you stop short while we are OMGing or LOLing or MFering, your child could have their neck snapped like a twig. Or worse yet, decapitation. Hard to learn the ABCs at preschool without a head, ya know.

Bitch, please. I know that when WE were kids we used to ride in the back of pickup trucks on highways at speeds of 70 MPH, holding a litter of kittens and daddy’s shotgun.

How do you think all these seat belts and car seats and traffic laws evolved in the first place?

And no, it doesn’t matter that the cars in this carpool line are moving at a snail’s pace. Kids can be crippled for life or killed at even 5 miles per hour.

Just ask my pediatrician. The last time I took my kids for their annual physical I asked how old my 90 pound 11 year old son needed to be before he could sit in the front seat and I was read the riot act. “What’s your hurry? I have a friend who let his tween sit in the front seat ONE TIME, just to cross the parking lot of a mall. They were only going 5 mph and got rear ended by another car and the child’s neck was broken by the impact from the airbag. She’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.


So that’s my Just the Tip Tuesday advice for you today, guys. Don’t be an asshole, follow the seatbelt laws. Please keep your kids buckled into their PROPERLY INSTALLED car seats until you get to your destination and it’s time for the kids to get out of the car.

‘Preciate it.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The Bearded Iris.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. Don’t be an asshole: all rights reserved.


  1. Heather

    A. Men. Sis. Ter. Love it. And completely agree with you!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks, Sugar Britches.

  2. NanaBread

    Well played, Iris. Couldn’t (and wouldn’t) have said it better myself. I don’t even let my dog do that. He wears a harness and a seat belt in the car. Really. Reckless drivers – You can’t tell me I care more for my little dog than you do for your young children. Can you?

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, you’re such a good dog owner! Want another one?

  3. Joanne

    Before I read your last line I was thinking of my comment: this truly IS a public service announcement! Now you just have to figure out how to ensure those idiot parents read your blog… A little touchy for you if they recognize their own car! Funny thing is, they would probably think YOU were the one who crossed the line! Maybe you should have photo shopped the cars, kids, etc. so they might not recognize themselves and take insult to the blunt truth that THEY were the A holes you were using to show as examples of bad parenting! But I guess if they have the b@lls to let their kids do that, you have a set too to call thm on it! Yahoo for you speaking out!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Joanne. I’ll probably be tarred and feathered at the Fall Festival, but I don’t give a shit. Maybe I’ll drop my pants so I can get a free bikini wax.

  4. Jill

    Hillbilly ass. Love. IT. This will come in handy now that I live in Oklahoma. Saw a mom with a suburban but yet had 3 kids under 9ish buckled in the front passenger’s seat. WTF?

    • The Bearded Iris

      CITIZEN’S ARREST!!! You go girl. Call me if you need backup.

  5. Ann

    Hmm…I recognize that parking lot and thank God I am no longer in that damn car line! Those people letting their children do that are idiots, call the cops and tell them what’s going on in that line. Or tell the director of the preschool and ask them to put up a sign, they could use your photos and just put a big red circle with a line through it to get their attention.

    Usually I’m not a tattle-tale but these idiots deserve whatever trouble they bring upon themselves by putting their children in danger. SMH…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Deal. I will tell the preschool director today. I’d feel terrible if something happened to one of those hillbilly jackhole kids and I had never done my part to prevent it! I’ll keep you posted.

  6. Mads

    OH jeebus…that is awful. That shit would never fly during my childhood.

    That being said, I forced my mom to put the giant bow in my hair to match my outfit. I’m pretty sure that makes me the a$$hole. That, in addition to the fact that I would wear monochromatic outfits…yellow tights, yellow shorts, yellow sweatshirt, huge yellow bow. Uber a$$hole.

  7. laura

    LL likes: “Bitch, please”. What’ve you got for congress?

  8. Kris the Colts Fan

    I’m glad to know assholes exist in other states too–not just Indiana. I should never be surprised by anything people do, and yet I am.

  9. Colleen

    Awwww, why did you fuzz out their license plates?! Let the Mo-Fo’s bad parenting decisions come to light (in a church parking lot no less!) and they can realize that the world will see what azzhats they are. Because, Dear Iris, it IS only a matter of time before your kick-ass blog achieves world domination =)

    • Livin In Duckville

      Yeah, yeah, yeah… blah, blah, blah on the kid’s hangin’ their heads out the window… Amen & all that shit…. What I wanna know is… when you achieve this ‘world domination’ status…. will we get FREE T-Shirts ’cause we heard/read it first? I think Colleen should head up The Bearded Iris Fan Club…. or at least be VP – ’cause she did thunk it up first….

  10. Heather

    I agree, very well said! I see it all the time and it is so mind-blowing! I thought I’d seen it all when we were living in a small town (under 2000 people) in MO when I saw the local sheriff with his then-4 year-old son unbuckled while riding around in their personal truck. I mean, WTH!!! Even the law enforcement thinks they are above the law in protecting their son?? Yeah, it’s a small town with no stop lights, but accidents STILL happen!!!!

  11. bernie bickers

    Remember the scene in “Big” where Tom Hanks is in a limousine and he calls “ejector seats” and stands up through the sunroof while cruising through NYC? I blame this all on him and the director, Penny Marshall – I don’t know how they sleep at night….You readin’ me Laverne?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Love that scene. Such a great movie.

  12. JD @ Momagement

    What is WRONG with people? They need to get their behinds to church and beg for some holy forgiveness for being so STUPID and putting their kids in danger. Jesus would NOT be down with that.

  13. Colleen M

    So how old do they have to be to be in the front seat? Or is it a height thing, or is it a weight thing? The sunroof. . . well I say just let them eliminate the gene pool, ya know what I mean?

    • The Bearded Iris

      I think it differs by state, but I’ll do a little research and get back to you. My son is almost 12 and weighs 100 pounds now and he still sits in back. He’s bigger than some adults I know, so it is probably fine for him to sit up front, but I like keeping him “little” as long as I can.

  14. Tori Wishart

    Our state motto is, “Live Free or Die”. We let children ride on motorcycles at any speed as long as they are wearing a helmet. I can’t figure out why they don’t change the “or” to “and”. That would make more sense. Anyway, perhaps these clueless parents would appreciate a kind stranger giving them a motorcycle helmet for their child. It would be such a nice, subtle hint.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Great point! Come on over and we’ll set up a “Free Helmets” stand together! (I’m too scared to do it by myself.)

  15. FiveOGrrl

    Awesometastic. I love you so hard.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Love you too…love you long time. Tell your friends…easy quota tickets in the hizzy.

  16. Stacey H.

    You. Go. Gurl! I couldn’t have said it any better!!! These will also be the kids in high school who will buy motorcycles and ride around popping wheelies with no helmets going 60mph. In the medical field we call these hillbillies, organ donors. Maybe you should address these parents at the next school function and ask if they have signed their drivers license for organ donation. These dorks could save so many other lives!

  17. Tiffany

    Gabe’s now moving to the backseat…geez. I didn’t know, I’m sorry, I didn’t know!!!

  18. Mary the Oinkteller

    Love. This. Love. You. I appreciate that I laugh out loud every time I visit your blog. In this case, it was the “OMGing or LOLing or MFering” that did it. If that was my carpool line I’d die of frustration/aggravation. Tuck and Roll kids. Get the F out of my car and walk. Mommy needs some irish coffee.

  19. Marsha Owens

    Okay, so I’m a little late to the party, but I only found this post after someone linked me to your other post about Dobbie the Elf (so freakin’ hilarious!). Anyway, you should come join us at car-seat.org. You’d fit right in! I’m a CPST and it makes me twitch anytime I see crap like this!

  20. HeatherErin

    I love you. I found this because I’m de-enrolling my kid today from a pre-school that doesn’t allow you to buckle them in before you drive off.

    Furious? You betcha. I’m going someplace safe rather than “Little Darwin’s Pre-K and Organ Donor program.”

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh my GOD, you are kidding me! WTF kind of a rule is that?! You are an excellent mother. May the force be with you!

      • HeatherErin

        Thanks – I needed that. I just had to run the gauntlet to get my kid early and remove her from the school. Husband slapped the de-enrollment letters on the desk as we left. We’re expecting a flaming bag of dog crap on our doorstep some time this weekend.

        • The Bearded Iris

          I love that your husband has your back – well done! THEY are the ones who should be worried. A preschool that requires you to drive away before you securely buckle your child just so they can keep carpool moving in a timely fashion? (Hello! State law!) They should lose their license. If they give you ANY shit, you should report them to the state licensing agency. Hell, you should report them to the state anyway for endangering children. You go girl!

  21. HouseTalkN

    This is priceless, sugar britches.

  22. Suburban Mom

    You never cease to put a smile on my face. … and I love to read your followers comments. You blog, what I mutter under my breath. I’d love to overhear that playground conversation “My Mom, loves me more than your Hillbilly ass.” In fact, I’d only have to say it once out loud before my 3yr old would be repeating it. Right now I have fingers crossed that he will stop calling people “stupid @sshole” before preschool starts next week.
    Keep on, keepin’ on!

  23. Go girl

    What about the parents that let their kids stand up in shopping carts…on concrete floors no less!!! If they fall, that is a serious head injury! Keep your kids safe ~

    • The Bearded Iris

      So true. Thanks for stopping by!

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