A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

What a difference a day makes.

Well shit, I should have a pity party more often if it leads to *that many* blog comments! Hot DAY-YAM, y’all! Thank you thank you thank you for being so sweet and trying to talk me off the ledge yesterday.

I’m feeling MUCH better today and was even able to shoe-horn myself back into my fat jeans just in time for Mini-Me’s Fund Run at school. Remind me to wear a jog bra next year. I had no idea they were going to do a “Family Lap!” Holy hell. I hope I didn’t frighten any of those sweet children with my “ow-ow-ow-ow”-ing.  I saw a couple of kids in front of me keep looking up into the sky to see if there was a helicopter nearby, but unfortunately for them, that wop-wop-wop-wop sound was just my 34-Longs slapping against my belt. Sorry kids.

So, back in the saddle then. I’m busting my hump today trying to make a big dent in my outdated and ill-fitting wardrobe while I’m still all fired up about it. I figure that’s probably better than crawling under the covers and eating my weight in cheese. Come back tomorrow and I’ll show you pictures of my closet! (Hopefully)

Until then, a parting gift for you:

I had so much fun playing dress-up (i.e., sticking my hairy face into picture cut-outs) on the Trick or Treat for UNICEF website that I just had to share! They have a variety of costumes you can “try on.” Some are free, and others require a $5 or $10 donation. Totally worth it. For just $5 UNICEF can provide enough vaccines to immunize 18 children against measles! Unless, of course, you’d rather drink another Organic Whole Milk 3 Pump Vanilla 2 Pump Cinnamon Dolce Iced Frappuccino than save 18 children’s lives. (Bitch.)

Alrighty then.

Back into the closet I go. (Shut up, Angela.)


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.



  1. Julie @ mamamash

    How much do I have to donate to get my body to look like that?!

    • The Bearded Iris

      $10! Sha-zam!

      I’d pay $25 if I could get that poor thing a pedicure with my donation. Check out those BBQ Fritos!

      • Katie


  2. Fiveogrrl

    Hahaha, you’re my favorite BDIT bitch. Your closet has a revolving door. Speaking of closet, ATLANTA Gay Pride is this weekend. Can I get two snaps and a rainbow circle snap bitch? Baby Griffin gets to go to his first Pride parade to support his two Mommies. He will never be dressed bad, you can count on that Miss Tubesocktitty.

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG – you made me laugh so hard I sharted a little.

      • Katie

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – She said, “Miss Tubesocktitty”!!!!

        • The Bearded Iris

          OMG, I thought she said “Tube-Sock-KITTY.” Not titty. Now it’s even FUNNIER!!! HAHAHAHA! (I really need to get my eyes checked.)

  3. Angela

    I assume you meant another Angela. As for the 34Longs, get an old lady bra. I have 38Crazy-Bigs and I love my old lady bras, they’re made for the droopy boobs and have PADDED STRAPS! Do you know how comfortable that is?? No worrying about the straps digging in to your shoulders, because they’re freaking PADDED! Oh, and I was very very sad to realize a few years ago that my boobs are just as lazy as the rest of me, and at the grand old age of almost-30, they’re almost to my muffin top. I scare away salesmen and people trying to help me ‘find God’ by answering the door in a t-shirt and no bra. The underlying threat of me taking off my shirt is enough to have them running for the hills. And yes, we do have doorbell ringers in Japan, the only difference is that I don’t know what most of them are saying.

  4. Rochelle

    Wow- your 34 longs look good as a “fairy”. Too bad my donation doesn’t get me that body. Oh well, guess helping kids is just as good.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, you know that’s not my body right? Only my face! And you CAN get that body for only $10!! (Or at least the digital likeness to email your friends!) I like the mermaid too!

      • Mary Lou

        Tell me!! I am NOT the only one who thought that WAS your body!! For. Real!!!

  5. Jen

    Sometimes its awesome to unload on the internet.

    Glad you are feeling better.

  6. Susan S

    Sometimes a good old fashioned pity party is just what you need, huh?

  7. Megan at declutterdaily

    I wrote a blog post just for you today. Hope it helps. 🙂

  8. Dizzy Desi

    LOL I have been deep in the middle age spread these past few months…Where did this muffin start circling around my middle?! And the constant attention to saggy boobs becomes a trudge…Totally get it. Then we hit these strange cycles where our boddies blow up and they get even larger/sore periodically!!! That’s a new treat as well. Getting old sucks.

    For the 15 year anniversary we were talking about a gift to my tired face for some body work, but then the mom van suddenly needed more cosmetic surgery than I did. Driving around the losing derby car was not an option so guess who got the iron bow tox instead of moi?? Living your reality, girl. Sisters must vent together!

© 2021 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑