A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen.

My 4 year old son Bucket Head doesn’t like to make mistakes. He recently started doing this thing where if he needs help with something like a chore or a puzzle piece, he undoes whatever we’ve helped him with and says “Yet’s just betend that didn’t happen, otay?” Then he expertly does it himself and we all applaud and high five and fist bump like “What a brilliant child! He did it ALL BY HIMSELF!”

I mention this because a few days ago I posted some rather unflattering pictures of myself with mock hairdos and asked you to help me choose one for my new look. (Don’t bother lookin’, I took that mofo down.) It was supposed to be funny, but a vast majority of the comments indicated to me that I missed the mark.

Fellow bloggers, has that ever happened to you? A post just doesn’t go the way you intended?

Well, let’s just pretend that didn’t happen, okay? 

Thanks for all the sweet advice and the well wishes for my hair appointment though! It went very well. I don’t know why I was so nervous! Out of practice, I guess. Sure do love my stylist Kristie. I’ve been going to her (not often enough) for the past three years. She’s the one who cut and colored the style on my avatar that several of you seem to like. Local friends looking for a great stylist, email me and I’ll hook you up with her number.

My new ‘do looked especially great on Friday when I walked out of her salon, but you’ll have to take my word for it because the receptionist had a bad case of the DTs, bless her heart.

Ow, my eyes. Actually, if you squint and stare at that picture long enough you can see the image of Saint Genesius of Rome, the Patron Saint of Comedians.

So let’s just move on from this unfortunate “help me pick a new hairstyle” incident. This whole What I Wore Wednesday crap has really messed with my psyche. Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen either.

Whatd’ya say I just get back to my regular schtick and not care so much about how I look or what I’m wearing. That’s not really who I wanted to be when I grew up. I like the snarky bitch with the beard and the camel toe better.

And frankly, so do you.

yours truly,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. Janet

    I have no idea what you are referring to when you mention Wednesday wear and mock hairdos.
    You look prettier and younger now, in your new do, than in the professional website photos. Fer reals.

  2. Meili

    YAY! Iris is coming back to the “slobby moms” club. Of course, you’ll never get to the level of slovenliness that I have attained, but you should come on in and try it anyway. At least your “charity begins at home” entry about cleaning up your own mess before taking on excessive volunteer responsibilities is still fueling my daily housekeeping efforts.

    Your longer hair is pretty, but it makes me hate you, because you do look about 27 with it that way. You’re more believeable as a well grounded, snarky mother of 3 with the shorter ‘do. Whatever hair you wear, Ms. Iris, as long as you keep writing, we’ll keep reading it.


    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Meili, dearest! Don’t make me love you with that 27 year old comment. I love your “well grounded, snarky mother of 3” description too. Gee – you think I’m well grounded? That’s so cool! {blushing} Thank you! Even more proof that I need to stay the course and not get sidetracked by the whole WIWW thing. That just wasn’t working.

  3. Liza Martz

    As they say in the south, “well bless your heart.” Of course you were kidding. Those weren’t hair dos, they were hair don’ts.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hahaha! “Hair Don’ts”!! Exactly. Bless your heart for getting my drift. And now excuse me while I adjust my ponytail and mom jeans. (Still gonna buy me some nice cowboy boots though!)

  4. Anne @ Domesblissity

    Your gorgeous to me Iris, either way.

    Anne xx

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Anne! You are an angel.

  5. Jill

    Again I tried to explain to my family why I was shaking with laughter. They don’t get it. That’s fine ’cause I do. Hilarious as usual.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You’re the best, Jill. Thanks for the encouragement!

  6. Michele

    Oh, stop. You can be gorgeous AND snarky. Nothing wrong with wanting to have a little fun with your appearance. Anyone who doesn’t like it can go somewhere else and not like it on their own time!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Michele. I have just been in a FUNK. Know what I mean? And over-thinking the outfits was too much extra pressure. Or maybe all my new Spanx were cutting off the circulation to my head. EIther way, moving on! Thanks for being here!

  7. Ann

    You look great in the photo with the jailbird, umm…I mean, dog. Remember, dogs and kids like us no matter what we’re wearing or how our hair looks so I choose to subscribe to that line of thinking. Probably why I spend so much time with dogs!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh snap! True dat, though. We do love us some dogs, don’t we?

      That reminds me of an art project Bucket Head did at preschool last year. He had to draw a picture of me for Mother’s Day and the teacher asked him to complete several different statements about me that she then transcribed onto the paper for him. One of the statements was “My mom is the prettiest when ___________________,” and Bucket Head responded, “when she’s laughing.”

      Holy crap. Still makes me cry.

      • Ann

        The little buggers really know how to rip our hearts out, don’t they? What a sweet thing to say, I sure hope you kept that paper.

  8. laura

    Iris you always look great! I’m so confused – I loved the hairdos, don’ts and am glad that you dids post them. “Missed the mark”? do you have bad aim and missed the potty? Truly, I am clueless!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yes, sometimes I miss the potty, and then I blame it on Bucket Head. Is that wrong? I’m probably just too thin-skinned to be a graceful blogger. I’m much more of a “OMG, who farted?! Oh, sorry, that was me,” kind of gal. I could probably use a medcheck. Whatchoogot? Meet me in the lingerie department at Target? I’ll buy you a Diva Cup.

  9. FiveOGrrl

    It’s about fucking time Snatcherella DeVille that you switched to pearl glides instead of those paperback book pads without wings you’ve been sharting out lately. Gas up the swaggerwagon and let’s roll bitch. Nice hair Valierie Bertinelli would be throwing shade from jealousy.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Sometimes I feel like I need an interpreter to understand your comments, you crazy sleep-deprived biznitch. Next time, don’t let me flounder for so fucking long! Send me a smoke signal or something (in English, por favor) that says “Dude, that one sucked. Stop being such a narcissistic ho-bag and teach me how to remove gum from my arm-pit hair.”

      • FiveOGrrl

        Don’t make me start talking in radio code. Or maybe I do need to teach you radio code so u can write tickets to the sunroof slaughterhouse club members during their dump off parade.

  10. Kris the Colts fan

    We’ll always love you Iris. And I love the stuff about clothes and hair. You inspired me to wear something other than sweats and to put some makeup on yesterday. However, I could stand to hear another story or two about your convicted felon of a dog or the lady who could suck the chrome off a van.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw! I love that you can just list off favorite tales like that Kris! That makes it all worth while to me. Thank you! And I’m honored that I could inspire you in some way…I hope the makeup and non-sweats made you feel beautiful, because you are.

  11. Leighann

    If I “wooted”, which I most certainly do not, this is where I would.
    Glad to have you and the toe back.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Leighann! Just don’t woot too loudly or I’m likely to flash you my Magic Creamed lady bits. (Old habits die hard.)

  12. Allysgrandma

    I certainly hope me posting pictures of YD did not make you think I didn’t know you were kidding. I knew you were kidding….so wait this is a new hairdo? Did you color your hair also, because the color is lovely. and it looks thicker too so I hate you.

    Jealously yours, Cheryl

    • The Bearded Iris

      No no, darling, it wasn’t any one particular comment. It was just the overall serious tone of the comments as a whole. No worries! I just want to get back to things that matter more to me… like my 52 weeks project, and good recipes, and my goofy kids, and my vagina, and fun stuff like that.

      • Allysgrandma

        Well I certainly hope you are not concentrating on your vagina alone……I hope your husband is willing to participate in your concentration…….or other body parts….just sayin’

        • Allysgrandma

          PS At least you are not at the age you start to panic when your Premarin cream is running low…..just got 3 new tubes from the mail order pharmacy, so the panic has been abated!

  13. Alexis@TroublesomeTots

    I totally got the funny from your hair-don’t styles! But yes your long hair is gorgeous so please don’t cut it 🙂 Like you I’m trying to take my mommy slobbiness up a notch (I’m aiming for mommy casual and stain-free). But let’s face it, hair that goes quickly into a ponytail is simply a must-have. That and a pumpkin spice late.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you, Alexis! I like the “mommy casual and stain-free” description. That will definitely be a notch up for me too if I can achieve it on a semi-regular basis. Pumpkin spice and ponytails HOLLA!

  14. Karen

    I agree with Jill – I have to explain to my hubby why I’m laughing at the computer.

    You are goregous & a dead ringer for my best friend.

    thank you for your blog – even in Australia you are hilarious!!

  15. robin

    I think it is hilarious that anyone took you serious regarding those pix…. I mean come on people!!!! Anyone who posts their picture with a painted on “Van Gogh” and displays her “Camel Toe” AND drinks her wine in a “red-neck” wine glass is AWESOME — you are one funny beeatch— regardless of your outfits or hair style…. Keep it up…

  16. Jen Has A Pen

    I didn’t see the mock hairdo’s but I’m laughing because I can only imagine. 🙂 I’m perfectly content with snark and cameltoe. Don’t eva change. (That is what I would write in your yearbook, FYI.)

  17. Heather

    What we all love about you is that you are real and, most likely, remind us of ourselves and that makes us feel less alone to know there is someone (ANYONE, turns out lots of someones!) out there who feels like we do. I identified with your WIWW posts because that’s how I feel – like I could do better, should I get the gumption. And, following the advice of you and your reader, I bought those skinny jeans (and found them hidden amongst the crap) and ROCKED them yesterday. Sure, I won’t wear them every day but finding a good fitting pair of jeans is often traumatic for me so to be pointed in the right direction without falling into a heap of tears in the dressing room was a very welcomed change. Now, if only getting a new bra were that simple…

    Any-whooooo sistah, we love you no matter what you wear!!!

  18. Mikal

    Dang it all! I must have missed that post. It wasn’t the one with you rockin’ the 80’s doooo was it? I thought you were adorable…ha!…had the same unfortunate haircut myself. Mullets were soooo hot back then. Keep it real no matter what…that’s what we love about your blog. If you are feeling ho-hum about your hair or your clothes, chances most of your readers are too. Write about it. Make a joke of it. AND then maybe we won’t take ourselves so seriously either.

  19. Your Mother

    See, I told you! Momma knows best. Beautiful and loved the comments! Everyone loves you. Also, when you laugh, everyone’s life lights up – not just Bucket Head’s!

    Being as beautiful as you are and have always been, and with that body, I find it interesting that you are so self-depreciating; so do your fans! But we love that about you.

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