A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Listography – Top Five Keyword Searches on My Blog

I’m a numbers nerd. I like to count things and balance my checkbook for fun. Sexy, I know.

So one of the most interesting things to me about blogging is the behind-the-scenes access to Internet statistics. I’ll never forget the first time I realized I could see the actual phrases people type into search engines that lead them to The Bearded Iris. What a revelation! That was the same day I learned to stop tagging my posts with potentially dirty phrases like “sticky panties.” Ew. Should have tagged that one “static cling” instead. Hindsight.

Yes, my friends, I know for a fact that there are people out there searching for things like:

“what does Johnny Depp smell like?”

“pantyhose encased camel toe

jennifer love hewitt vulva

farting mom

I know this, because a small handful of searchers for these tidbits have been directed here to little ol’ me. And yes, I have indeed written posts containing each of those keywords or phrases. It’s only a matter of time before the Pulitzers come pouring in.

Don’t panic – we cannot see who you are, exactly. But we know you’re out there…cheeky monkeys.

This week’s Listography is about our top five keyword searches of all-time. Thankfully, none of mine include the phrases “jacked up toenails” or “anal bleaching” (those phrases appear much further down the list).

1. How to remove gel nail polish at home
Looks like I’m not the only frugal gal out there looking to un-DIY a shellac manicure! Howdy, gals. Happy to serve.

2. Droopy Dog
Once upon a time, there was a lethargic but shrewd cartoon dog named Droopy. His saggy face reminded me of a poor woman whose Botox injections paralyzed her eyelids. I honestly don’t know why so many people are searching for this ancient anime. Maybe nostalgic parents sick of hearing their kids repeat the rude language they learn in cartoons today are pulling their angry tweens to over to their monitors saying “Now THIS? This guy, Droopy Dog, he was a classic! He never said things like ‘shut your halfwit pie hole’ or ‘How the H are we gonna fix this S?'” Either that or there are a lot of shy looking older men giving BJs in exchange for yard work. Day-yam. The things I learn on the google!

3. Feminine Hygiene Tips
Well bless your hearts and “self-cleaning ovens!” This is one of my all-time favorites. And apparently it is one of your favorites too. In fact, according to my Referring Site Stats, there is a group of mommies in the Lake Hartwell area passing this post around like chicken at a church picnic. Thanks, you hairy Lake Hartwell harlots!

4. Buckwheat
Now this one I feel a little bad about. Hopefully these poor people weren’t searching for information regarding buckwheat – the grain. Because what they found instead when they clicked through to my blog was a visual reference to my ungroomed lady garden. Sorry, buckwheat fans. As a public service, here is a link to some delicious looking buckwheat pancakes instead.

5. Hot Hairy Italian Men
Yes, please. Ain’t no secret: I like ’em and I married one. Sure, my house is harder to clean than yours. Shoot, I even find hair in my freezer. But trust me, it’s worth it.

Curious to know the inside scoop of some other great blogs? Or perhaps you’re a blogger with your own unbelievable keyword searches to share? Well head on over to Kate Take’s 5 and join the fun. You won’t believe some of the keyword searches out there…scary, funny, beyond bizarre. Check it out.

yours truly,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    You saw my top 5, but I am also found via the terms:

    “Wolverine mutton chops”
    “albino wookie”
    “I am not stylish”
    “bagel belly”

    Somehow, this just makes me feel extra sexy. Ooooohhhhh…aaaaahhhhh….

    (When I’m done moaning, I’ll go check out your older posts)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh my albino wolverine! How in the french did I forget that I found you for the first time via your bagel belly post last summer?! Clearly we are sisters in bageldom, style, and vulvatude.

  2. ghostwritermummy

    What an absolutely fabulous list. Brilliant!

  3. Muffintopmommy

    The list is always good for a laugh. My fave recurring one on my blog is “muffin top porn”. Really? Depraved individuals visit my blog…and to them I say, “Welcome!”


    • The Bearded Iris

      That is vile! Or maybe not. Maybe that’s WONDERFUL! Maybe we should stop trying to get rid of our muffintops and instead just start hanging out (literally) with more dudes who think MTs are hot!

      Yeah, I welcome the dirty monkeys too. Their comments are always so fun!

  4. Kate Takes 5

    That Feminine Hygiene post deserves an award. These terms are even better than I expected from you – and that’s sayin’ something. Thanks for linking in – always a pleasure. x

    • The Bearded Iris

      Right back atcha, Lovely. Thanks for providing a venue for such consistently entertaining topics.

  5. Shannon

    Oh, I am ROFLMAO about the Buckwheat reference!

  6. Cat (Yellow Days)

    Your list has put mine to shame. Time to rethink my approach to blogging. There’s obviously just not enough lady gardening tips on my blog.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Lady gardening…always a crowd pleaser! Thanks for stopping by, Cat!

  7. Rebecca

    How have I only just discovered your blog? Absolutely hilarious. Had lots of jobs to do tonight but now going to read all those posts and see what you were going on about.

  8. Leighann

    I can’t believe my searches showed up in your stats.
    How embarassing.

  9. Megan at declutterdaily

    My top 5 all have the word declutter in them, but my weirdest five are as follows:

    dog driving clown car
    empty cold beach
    how to save stale rice krispies not to waste
    lady and the tramp sex images (Thanks Iris!)

    and the worst and most bizarre:
    painting of black man in library with lil boy

  10. lesley

    Am I the only one who is mentally pulling a curly hair out of a mouthful of buckwheat pancake?

    • The Bearded Iris

      EW! (Hilarious!) Thank you!

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