A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

WTF Wednesday: The Very Special Halloween Hangover Edition

{ding dong}

You open the door.

Here’s what you see:

Witch, Orca Whale, Skeleton, Halloween 2011.

Immediately followed by the sound of my little Bucket Head singing:

“Trick-or-Treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat!”

Always a crowd pleaser.

But did you know there is a second verse to this classic holiday greeting?

There is.

It goes like this:

“If you don’t, I don’t care. I’ll pull down your underwear!”


Who on earth taught that to my sweet, innocent, cherub-faced four year old son?

Uh, that would be me.

Sorry, neighbors.

In hindsight, bad idea. Apparently, pulling down other people’s underwear without their consent isn’t very socially acceptable nowadays.

But when I was a kid? Shoot. We called that “getting de-pantsed.” It was a classic bully maneuver. Naturally, I rocked at it. Just ask my little brother.

Something else you may have heard if you trick-or-treated on my street was Bucket Head shouting “I AM NOT A SHART.”

Bless his little speech impaired heart.

What he meant was “I am not a SHARK.”

And I totally feel his pain. Really I do.

What the fuck is wrong with grown-ups today?

People, if you don’t know the difference between an orca whale and a shark, you need to spend less time chatting up little trick-or-treaters and more time watching Animal Planet.

We're going to need a bigger boat.

I can’t even tell you how many adults told my Bucket Head, “My, what a scary shark you are!” To which he would always reply that he was not a shark, but an orca whale (duh). As the evening progressed, he became more and more frustrated with having to correct so many people.

And listen, the only thing worse than trying to correct an imbecilic adult who doesn’t know their sea creatures is then being laughed at for your mispronunciation by said imbecile. Thanks a lot, neighbors.

But my biggest WTF Halloween moment occurred when one of my kids received this in their treat bag:

Valentine Candy. To: _______, From: Bridget. On Halloween.

Say it with me, friends:




I know what some of you are thinking. It’s kinda brilliant.


That’s jive. (Says the lady who hands out gently used Happy Meal Toys.)

Even though I’m a huge advocate of being green and frugal, giving out personalized Valentine candy treats on Halloween is just plain shitty. That’s like giving out soy sauce packets and used dryer sheets. Don’t be a douche. These kids are working hard to walk all the way to your door and sing the “smell my feet” song. Eight month old off-holiday candy is a TRICK, not a treat. Save it for the un-costumed teenagers who show up after your porch light is off, not the cute little SHART who still says “gank you.”

And now, to answer all those lingering questions.

Did our house get egged?

No! In fact, I observed The Gatekeeper greet the first few trick-or-treaters and whenever he asked them “Would you like candy or a toy?” they always said “A TOY!!!” So there, doubters. Kids love plastic crap. Told you!

Did I dress up?

Yes indeedy. I did. Well, kinda. A hat/wig, lipstick, tattoo sleeves, and a bracelet count, right?

Semi-Biker Chick with her brood.

Good enough. Or as my stapler-wielding Mama says, “Done is better than perfect.” 

We even returned to our hippie friends’ 2nd annual Halloween Party, where once again, I was the only adult in costume. No, The Gatekeeper didn’t come. He did dress up though…as an Ohio State Fan. Whoop-dee-frickin’-doo. He stayed home and watched football and drank beer while I bravely battled my social-anxieties alone at a dry party. Awesome.

Who did we trick-or-treat with this year? 

We trick-or-treated with Mama Cloud and her kids again and it was delightful, as usual. She and I have similar parenting styles and it’s so refreshing to not have to be the lone bad cop all night shrieking things like “DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH? THEN GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN STREET, Honey.” (Because tacking “Honey” onto any rant makes it not quite so negative, right?)

Did Nature Boy trick-or-treat with his friends and no adult supervision? 

Aw HAYLE NO. He just turned 12. He and his best friend came with me and Mama Cloud and our combined broods. And it was a good thing, too, because he almost peed his pants at the local haunted house…it was that scary. I ended up going through it twice because he was too afraid to come with me and his best friend the first time. Pussy. Kidding. We held hands the whole time, but it was totally dark, so his best friend couldn’t see what a scaredy-cat he was. Too cute.

Was alcohol involved?

What are you, slow? Of course. I had to make up for the withdrawal I was experiencing after the hippie Halloween party.

So that’s that! I hope your Halloween was a happy one too and that you got only treats and no tricks in your goodie bags! And by goodie bags, of course I mean vaginas.

I’m linking up with Sellabit Mum and Fourplusanangel for Boo in the Blogosphere and Nicole at By Word of Mouth Musings because I obviously need to make some new friends.



with kisses and consensual de-pantsing,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. AlexandraFunFit

    We called it pantsing and it was way too easy when I was in junior high because we wore those super-low hip-huggers. But we had no hips when we were 12 so those darn pants always came right off with a little tug. Thanks for bringing back memories that left trauma scars!

  2. tracy@sellabitmum

    Ah, now I get the shart, shark, whale thing. So funny.

    • The Bearded Iris

      So sorry to sully your name with my potty mouth on Twitter, sweet lady. You poor linky lover…you kindly open your door and in walks trouble.

  3. Kate

    Reading about Halloween this year is a bit surreal, as I live in the great Northeast and Halloween was postponed… until Sunday. The kids were pissed. I told them that having Halloween a week late may mean more people got half-price candy, so they’ll get more for waiting. If the reality is that people have been sitting in their dark, cold homes eating nothing but Halloween candy for meals and there’s nothing left, oh, well. There’s always Christmas…

  4. Kristen Kotrlik

    Excellent post….

    I love the Orca costume!!! I bet it would have rocked even more if there was a little Richard Harris sticking out of it. (IMDB Orca.)

    Just yesterday, Jack was singing his Trick or Treat song… but he insisted that the final line was “If you don’t, I don’t care, I will smell your underwear.”
    I told him that that was just punishing himself… I didn’t want to get into the creepy old man factor, he’s only 5.

  5. Pricilla - Famous SpokesGoat

    The publicist LOVES Halloween. But she gets NO trick or treaters.
    This makes her very sad.
    I try to make it up to her by giving her goat hugs but it doesn’t always work.
    She gets through by buying candy anyway and eating it all.

  6. Michele

    Oh honey, I’m having alcohol for breakfast – I’m that hung over from Halloween (and the subsequent all-night barf-o-rama thanks to a stomach virus my kids are passing around). For the record, I DID give out the sorry remains of last year’s candy loot as the first batch of candy out the door this year. But none of it was personalized! And the first people to hit our block as were (as usual) beard-stubbled teenagers with pillow cases for sacks so they had it coming.

  7. Tracy @ Brain Chatter

    Poor Shark Boy……um, I mean Orca Boy! At least he was some sort of recognizable animal. Halloween night everyone from our cul-de-sac met over at one house for pizza before trick-or-treating. I was greeted by the host’s daughter saying “Guess what I am!!!” and said something like “Are you a potato sack?” ….mainly because she was wearing what looked exactly like a potato sack with spider webs randomly stuck to it…. she immediately yelled “Mommy, she called me a potato sack!!!” (Apparently I was wrong.) So I ask, “What is she?” because, really, what else could she possibly be?? I was told “She’s Burlapra! It’s a character I made up when I was a kid!” oooOOOooooooh…..of course. That kid was doomed from the moment she chose to be “Burlapra” for Halloween. Maybe next year she’ll go the obvious route and be a ghost.

  8. Joan

    Too funny, as usual.

    Congrats on a rather well-adjusted Halloween.

    And Bravo for going to the party in costume. Don’t adjust downward to the Party Poopers’ level. It sounds like you were the only person with a pulse there. I mean…who goes to a Halloween party without at least some lame excuse for a costume?

  9. Jane

    One little boy came to the house and said ‘trick or cheese’. It was so cute! And I think I called someone a shark who was really a dragon- oh well. I gave out candy corns (individually wrapped obviously) and the kids loved them. My dog only tried to attack one person- never wear a scary mask with dreadlocks around a dog-they don’t understand.

    P.S. I thought you were Lady Gaga

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wait, cheese is an option?! I’ve been doing it wrong all these years. I totally want cheese instead of Nerds or stale Valentines hearts!!!

  10. Laci

    Baahaaahaaa. That is funny. We called it getting depantsed. But my daughter informed me that is now called pantsing. Whatever you want to call it every kids should know about this ritual before they enter middle school.

  11. Bubbles

    Non-consensual de-pantings are not good for the emotional well being for the individual being stripped of their spider man under-roos…Even if it is done by a half dozen slightly older chicks and regardless that your team is on the way to winning it’s 3rd Superbowl title…I can only thank God that the seventies are over. Please stop advocating such terrible behavior Iris…

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, you remember that? Shit.

      I’m really really sorry for the pack mentality inspired raid on your under-roos and their contents. Seriously, were we abused? Why were we so pervy as kids? WTF WTF WTF???

  12. LifeLessons

    That’s a great shar…OOPS. I’m never good with kids.

  13. Gina

    Who the hell has a DRY Halloween party where no one is in costume? Great post. I love seeing kids costumes

  14. Allysgrandma

    Will never forget a classmate whose dad shaved his head as punishment for pantsing a girl….not a good idea when you are 14! He is now a practicing attorney!

    The only thing worse than a dry party is a dry wedding reception. Even though my little darling had a morning wedding with brunch, there was plenty of drinking in the form of OJ and champagne, then champagne alone, then wine, then beer……

  15. FiveOGrrl

    I think you need to recycle that valentine into someone’s sack next year. and by sack i mean Bridget’s vagina.

  16. Kate Takes 5

    Of course this should have been called WTF What I Wore Wednesday (oh no sorry, I forgot – that didn’t happen did it?). Anyway, poor Bridget is all I can say – she wasted her candy on that tightass.

  17. Kathryn Frost

    I so very much want to show you my teenager’s costume.
    So. Gawd-damned. Funny.
    Picture, fake mustache, aviator glasses, mullet wig, and his taekwodo uniform.

  18. Kathryn Frost

    Posted it on your blog’s fb wall.

  19. Greta @gfunkified

    Oh my word. This is hilarious. OF COURSE HE’S NOT A SHART! Dumb people. He is so obviously a whale.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you for your support, Greta!! People kill me.

  20. Heather

    Dude. I am SOOOO going to start referring to my vagina as a goodie bag!!! Glad your Halloween was one to remember!

  21. Ann

    Perhaps those who thought Bucket-Head was a shart need to be introduced to “Land Shark” from Saturday Night Live!

    My son got a Valentine lolly pop AND two pieces of Christmas candy, swear. WTH? Anyone cheap enough to keep that crap for almost a year shouldn’t even be talking to neighbors, they should just turn out the lights! Sure wish I knew who it was because Land Shark would be ringing their doorbell right about now…

  22. Anne @ Domesblissity

    What would’ve been better “Bridget” is using last year’s Christmas candy. No one would’ve been any the wiser. Love the shart!

    Anne xx

  23. Meili

    I am laughing out loud at the idea of you and that lovely woman, Mama Cloud, yelling swear words at your children and then following it with the word “Honey.” Is that like when you say gossipy, mean things about someone and then you say, “Bless her heart?” All you Southern women seem to do that.

    My middle child seems to be adopting my foul vocabulary and it really bothers my husband. I just keep telling him she’ll need all those words when she becomes a pole dancer.

  24. Jill

    That is the oxymoron of the day: dry party.

    • The Bearded Iris

      WORD. And since The Gatekeeper wouldn’t go with me, I was my own designated driver. (Insert Debbie Downer Mwah-mwaaaaaaah sound here.)

  25. dizzy desi

    Wish we had a “dry party”…Rained like a mother here! My Momma Cloud and I were the only parents dumb or drunk enough to be walking their kids through the cold, wet night. Kids were stoked – 5x candy haul in half the houses! People actually emptied their bowls into the bags. My personal favorite was the annual 3 ft pixie stick and Mtn Dew that our favorite HOA president gives out on a Monday night. Was only able to confiscate at the half way point so had to miss soccer the next day to catch a nap for the sleep deprived bucket head.

  26. Liza Martz

    Well, darn, I thought he was a penguin. but that’s better than a shart any day of the week.

  27. Mel

    Sounds like a blast, Iris!

  28. By Word of Mouth Musings

    Remember that movie a few years back with Phillip Seymour Hofmann … he was at an art gallery and ‘sharted’ and he explained what that meant. My hub and I were on the floor laughing at you very clever Americans!
    Thanks for joining the party … next time I rumble about hosting one, offer to shoot me and take me out for wine instead 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      Really? Are they a nuisance? I’ve never hosted one.

      OMG. That scene is from Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller and it is one of my favorites. When I’m feeling blue, I like to watch the opening scene when Philip Seymour Hoffman slips and falls on the dance floor. I could watch it over and over and over. Brilliant!!

  29. Tiffany

    That’s crazy that someone passed out those hearts. Someone in our neighborhood gave out generic cereal bars. Gross.

  30. Dontuseallcaps

    Hun, the second verse to “Trick-or-treat, smell my feet…” has been around since the 70’s when I started trick-or-treating. It was fun to sing back then; still fun now. What is wrong with parents nowadays? No wonder so many children grow up to be teens with eating disorders. Children aren’t allowed to breathe! My kid does all that stuff, and of course the other parents on the block think we’re horrible parents. My kid pulled a ding dong ditch over the summer, and all hell broke loose. Whatever. My mom used to play that in the 30’s! I’m so over these bland, boring, robotic people in Northern Virginia. I can’t even tell you how much. lol

  31. Barbi Neth

    I totally agree with Dontuseallcaps. lmao

  32. Jen Has A Pen

    A shart? I love that kid. And I love your oldest for being a wimp. I’m a wimp too…. and I’m 31. It’s embarrassing for us both, I’m sure.

    The costumes (especially yours!) were awesome, and this post was another ab workout. Thankfully for you, I feel no guilt for not doing sit ups or something physically exerting. Woot.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Jen! He definitely cracks me up on a daily basis.

  33. Jessie Powell

    Oh – that one. I used to sing it, “I’ll look down your underwear.” Somebody taught my kids “I’ll pull down your underwear” after I’d gallantly taught them my version. I’m beginning to think I heard it wrong and have been saying it wrong all these years.

    I must say it more next year the right way to make up for that.

    One mother – or maybe it was a teacher – tried to clean it up when I was a kid. She tried to make “I’ll just keep on standing here” out of it. I bet she was the kind of person who would throw a dry Halloween party.

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