A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

She’s number one!

Tomorrow is the big day my 8 year old daughter Mini-Me and I will run our first 5K race together.


I’m proud to say I think we’re both ready… ready as we’ll ever be. I just completed my Couch to 5K running plan. Well kinda. I started in week 5, totally skipped week 8 (Aunt Flo says “hey,” by the way), and ran only one time in week 9. Mediocrity. It’s how I roll.

But I did run 3 whole miles without stopping or dying on Wednesday and it was absolutely cathartic. In fact, I’d like to apologize to the other 6 people on the track with me that day for my maniacal outbursts. Meh, at least I gave them something to talk about at the dinner table later. “Whoa, you guys, you should have seen this crazy lady at the track today! She was laughing and crying and randomly breaking into Journey songs. It was super scary.”

{Don’t stop. Be-lee-eee-vin’!}

I coudn’t help it, y’all. The conditions at the track were perfect for training that day: not too hot, not too cold. It was slightly overcast so I couldn’t see my dorky shadow flailing about like Tigger having a seizure. And I finally figured out how to stop my iPod from shuffling with every step. Man, that was annoying. What a difference to be able to hear a whole song instead of only the first two seconds. (Totally not exaggerating. Der.)

Also, the only other people on the track that day were walkers. I love when that happens! Running amidst walkers makes me feel all Maya Rudolph fast! Oh wait, maybe that’s Wilma Rudolph fast. Nah, who am I kidding? I’m definitely more like Maya Rudolph. Pregnant Maya Rudolph, tops.

More days than not, I show up at the track and there are very fit women in perfectly coordinated running ensembles who effortlessly run laps around me while I’m huffing and puffing and threatening to blow their skinny little houses down. I feel bad about myself when those ladies are there.

But you know who doesn’t feel bad about herself today? Mini-Me.

She came home from practice yesterday with her race-day running packet. She was beyond excited to tell me all about it.

Her: “Mom! I got my number for the race! Guess what it is!”

Me: “Uh, I don’t know. What is it?”


Me: “GET OUT!”

Her: “Really! I’m number ONE!”

Me: “Well of course you are! You rock. But seriously, what’s your number?”

Her: “Mom. I’m serious. I’m number one.”

Me: “You are totally messing with me. Prove it.”

Her: “Mom, seriously. Look!”

Me: “Whaaaaat? How in the world…? Seriously. That is the coolest thing EVER! Finally, your hyper-assertiveness is paying off. What did you do, push the coach’s kid out of the way to grab that number?”

Her: “No Mom, they just gave it to me. And since you’re my running buddy, I’m hoping you’ll be NUMBER TWO!”

Me: “Bwahahahahahaha! NUMBER TWO! That would be so awesome! Oh. Em. Geee. I totally want to be number two. It will be extra hilarious when I poop myself at the halfway point.”

Her: “I know, right?!”

And, end scene.

That kid kills me.

So I went to pick up my race packet yesterday, and sadly, I’m not number two. Booooo-hisss! But the number two IS in my four digit number (three times!), so maybe I’ll just have to find a way to pin it on myself creatively. Hmmm.

Also, total buzz kill, I just found out that ALL Girls on the Run participants get #1 for their bib number. Damn. I sure hope Mini-Me doesn’t notice that when we get there tomorrow. She’s so excited!

Wish us luck, friends. Well, really, just wish me luck. I’mma need it.

already crapping my pants,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. Jane

    Lots of luck!!

  2. The Mother Freakin' Princess

    Good Luck!

  3. Meili

    I have decided that if your kids think you’re funny, even occasionally, you are a great mother. And I think its completely amazing that you’re doing this 5K with your daughter. So, no matter how it turns out, I know you’ll handle it all with your trademark sense of aplomb and good humor. But if you SHART in your spandex running shorts, will you let your readers laugh with/at you???

  4. ruby falls

    Best of luck to you both! And nothing wrong with Depends. Just sayin’.

  5. Joan

    Just make it over the finish line without totally pooping out. 😉

    Great way to support your daughter.

    Thanks for the giggles, again.

  6. FiveOGrrl

    Depends makes shart pants in colors now. just sayin.

  7. Kristie

    Good luck lady!! I know y’all will be awesome!

  8. Bernie Bickers

    heh heh…you have #2 all over your shirt

  9. Joanne B.

    I just have to laugh. or cry. Not sure. The other day you posted about your insecurities about raising Mini-Me. Sounds like you got it right to me! Congrats to you and Mini-Me for doing this together! How beautiful to share this special bond before she hits puberty and hates your guts. (Only kidding! Or am I?) Signed, the mother of a 20 year old, who is just starting to like me again (I think. or do I?) All the best for a glorious day tomorrow!

  10. MikeP

    Who’s on first?

  11. Pricilla - Famous SpokesGoat

    I hope you run like the wind.
    If that fails just imagine AbbyGoat behind you with the Goat Stare of Death and those horns. If that does not motivate I don’t know what will…..

    Have fun!

  12. Mads

    haha Reminds me of a childhood joke…
    What do you do if you’re stuck inside an elephant?
    Run around and run around, til you’re all pooped out!

    Good luck at your race!!

  13. robin

    you’re gonna do great… what an inspiration for “Mini-me”…. she will remember this run forever…. can’t wait to hear the details….. and try not to trip over your own feet

  14. Jessica

    Good luck! And more than likely, after this race, you’ll be hooked!!

  15. Kate

    Good luck! Go get em.

  16. Allysgrandma

    I’ll be crapping my pants for you Iris! I’m just happy I can make it 3 miles on my greadmill in about 65 minutes. Even DH has gotten on the bandwagon and was on the treadmill this morning at my usual time. Oh well I’m willing to share if it makes his gut disappear and his heart keep working! However, no sex until we both got our treadmill work done this morning!

    Oh and Go Jacks! My parents and siblings alma mater the local college is playing for the championship today. We sprung for “reserved” seats that have real backs to lean against and comes with free pizza and soda! It’s even a beautiful fall day here in Humboldt County, California!

  17. C

    Yay Iris for getting out there with your daughter and showing her that skinny girls in coordinated running ensembles have nothing on you!

  18. By Word of Mouth Musings

    I’m proud of both of you … my kids and I go for ice cream together, for lunch together, for movies and popcorn together … no wonder my *ss is where it is at!

  19. Leighann

    Good luck!
    You will do great!
    I hope you shaved so that you can take some time off your running spead

  20. Gina

    Just RUN ! Does NOT matter where you come in but just do it. I am 57. I have run 2 5K’s … Neither of them were stellar performances, but I . don’t. care. The first one, my sister came to see me finish. She cried. She said she was proud. She wanted to be like me. I am 3 years older than she was. She was dead of a hemmoragic stroke 6 months later. The second one, I ran in honor of her. Run, Walk, it truly does not matter. Just do it.

  21. Livin In Duckville

    R.I.P. Iris…. figured the ‘f-in’ race must’ve killed ya, since there hasn’t been a post since. What the hell? *sigh*

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