A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

A Thanksgiving Etiquette Refresher

Listen up, y’all. I have hosted Thanksgiving for 22+ people every year since 2003, so you better believe I have a thing or two to say about it.

A word of warning to my family: all your names have been changed to protect your identity, but you know who you are. Brace yourselves. Either you’ll learn some new manners by reading this post or you’ll never want to come to my house for Thanksgiving again. Either way, I win.

Get the full scoop at my column In the Powder Room today. You’ll be glad you did. And feel free to forward it to any knuckle draggers in your own families who could use a little bitch slappery.

But come on back tomorrow and I’ll give you the low-down on the 5K race Mini-Me and I ran together over the weekend. Sneak peak? Okay, sure. One of us cried, and one of us stopped at a yard sale. You’ll have to come back tomorrow for more details.

See you then, Rubberneckers.


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. Mary the Oinkteller

    Great advice! May I also add, that when you are a guest for a holiday meal and are likely hanging out at someone else’s house most of the damn day, your host will very much appreciate it if you help clean up after the dinner she spent days planning and preparing and which was then eaten in ten minutes flat. Better yet, give her a glass of wine and tell her to take a break while you take care of the clean up yourself. How I wish I could send your post to my inlaws!

    • The Bearded Iris

      True dat! Sadly, like deodorant, the people who need this advice the worst are the least likely to get it. 🙁 But it still feels so good to put it out there.

      • Lisa Galaviz

        I always have to help my mother-in-law clean up while all the guys watch football. It wasn’t even my idea to have all the chargers out and to give everyone eight forks. If I have to clean up, I should have some say in the matter.

  2. Kathy C

    I’m waiting to see if my sister, Ann comments on this. Thanksgiving is at her house this year. I’m sure she’s told you all about our huge Irish, Catholic family. We’re on step away from a Jerry Springer episode. Brady Bunch ring a bell?

  3. Bernie Bickers

    Is it me, or do you read much angrier in “The Powder Room” than here at “Da’ Beard” ? Don’t get me wrong – you are effing hilarious at any venue, but you seem like you’ve neglected your meds a bit over there…

  4. Gina

    I gave up big family Thanksgivings about 3 years ago. Best thing I ever done. This year me, hubs, 2 adult children with their families are headed to the Outer Banks for the whole week. Woo Hoo. Quality time with my 6 grandkids.

  5. Liza Martz

    I am having the fam over to my place for the big day. I have promised to lock my dogs in one room and my grandkids in another so my mother won’t get an attack of the vapors due to them noisily vying for her attention. (highly unlikely but it’s a bit of crisis management) I intend to lock myself in different room and eat barbequed pork rinds and swill gin prior to stepping out to carve the tension, um, I mean turkey.

  6. Kate

    You’re da bomb. A little crazy for hosting that many people, but with enough alcohol anything’s possible.

  7. Joanne B.

    Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your article, thanksgiving etiquette refresher. Hilarious, I tell you! I just love your style of writing, so true and so gutsy, but as I commented to you when I first found your blog online, sometimes there are just no other words to perfectly deliver the full intent unless they contain letters! I just wanted to wish you continued success, now that you have added “In the Powder Room!” to your plan for $ucce$$. You could very well be the next Erma Bombeck of our time, and I will be happy to say I ‘knew’ you when… I will be happy, yes, but you hopefully will be rich. (from my lips to God’s ears…)

  8. Jellyhead

    Love this, love you. More please!
    p.s. Stuff it, Bernie!

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