A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Almost speechless.

Okay, so, remember last summer when that cool chick Maggie left this comment:

Submitted on 2011/07/12 at 6:23 pm

I just love your blog! So much so that I just nominated it as one of the top 50 mom blogs of 2010 (at Babble.com)…

…and I was all, “Babble.com? What’s that?” (Seriously. My tag line should be “Duh…I like to pet da rabbit, George.”)

Yep. That’s my Bucket Head. Bless his heart. He totally gets it from his Mama.

So I went to Babble and checked it out and was like “DOH! Babble is huge!” Specifically, from their “about” page:

Babble already has a National Magazine Award nomination for Best Overall Website (opposite Slate.com) and a Folio magazine award for Best Online Magazine (beating out everyone but Time.com). Time recently named it one of the Top 50 websites of 2010.

(I totally just included that for my parents.)

And then I learned that Babble ranks the top Mom Blogs every year (since 2009). And mega-bloggers like Dooce and The Pioneer Woman and The Bloggess (among others) were in their Top 50 Mom Blogs list last year.


Me: One of my readers, who I don’t even know in real life, likes my blog enough to nominate me as a reader favorite?

I. Died.

Then I looked at the list of other nominated reader favorites and saw that there were well over 1000 of them, and I died again, thinking, “Holy shit. Everyone and their mother has a blog.” (Mwah, mwaaaaaaah went the Debbie Downer trombone in my head.)

Me: Oh well. Who cares. It’s just nice to even be on the reader nominated list! (Glug glug glug.)

So I gave myself a little pep-talk and posted pictures of the special drawing my kitty made for me with her magic butt brush, and asked you to please vote for me. I’m classy like that. “Here’s a picture of some poop! Please vote!” Do yourself a favor and never sit next to me at a funeral.

And then, what happened next, just defies all logic and reasoning.

Did I ever tell you about the time I ran for senior class president in high school and LOST? No? Because it scarred my ass for life, yo. And ever since that fateful day, I’ve been more of a “never try, never fail” kind of gal.

But you voted for me. And you told your spouses to vote. And you shared me with your family and friends and parole officers.

And within a few months, my little ol’ blog went from being #891 to #8 on Babble’s reader nominated list of other favorite 2010 Mom Blogs.

Well guess what.

All that pimping you did made a difference.

The powers that be at Babble.com took notice.

And yesterday they published their new official and expanded list of The Top 100 Mom Blogs of 2011.

And. Guess. Who. Is. ON IT???

The Bloggess, of course.

And The Pioneer Woman.

And Dooce.

And 96 other fabulous bloggers who rock.

And me.

It just boggles my mind.

And their write up of me is about as perfect as it gets. Babble, you nailed it. I’m going to need a crowbar and a can of Crisco to cram my head through the door of the Piggly Wiggly later today. Shoot, maybe I’ll even put on some red lipstick and shave my toes.

So to those of you who believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and/or camel toe. I am forever grateful for your presence here, your support, your comments, your loyalty, and your incredible generosity.

You done good, guys.

Now let’s get Mama that iPad2.





Dobbie is #54, and that tiny yellow snow-writing was really damn hard to do, especially with my flippy flappy.

your humble servant,


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.


  1. Michelle Hunt

    Congrats Iris!!! You definately deserve it! I am a huge fan, and the last 6 months have been tough ones for me. Your blog has not just brought a smile to my face, but also multiple, out loud, belly laughs that I desperately needed! Thank you for being a highlight to many of my days!!! Keep up the GREAT work!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you so much Michelle. I’m sorry about your last 6 months, but I’m truly honored that I could help you through it in some way. Thanks for being here and sharing in the journey!

  2. laura


  3. Kristen Kotrlik

    I don’t know why you are surprised…. You have no idea how funny you are. AND your blog isn’t full of bullshit ideas that us normal people can’t do. THAT’S why you’re on that list… and because my ass voted every f’ing day.

    Love you Iris!

    • mrs.frisbie


    • The Bearded Iris

      Working backward:
      4. Love you too, KK! And all your crazy-ass friends. Wish we were all neighbors.
      3. Thanks for the votes! You are one loyal MFer.
      2. “us normal people”? Bitch, please. You’re about as normal as a two-headed tap-dancing squirrel dressed up as a taco, and thank GOD for that.
      1. You think I’m funny? {insert nervous laugh}

      True story, remember that day I left a comment over at Bad Mommy about how my daughter stuck someone else’s ABC gum to her twat at an arcade? And then you came here? And you left a comment about how my blog isn’t all fairies shitting rainbows and pretty ribbons? And then we became BFFs? I love that story. The end.

      • Heather

        I remember that day. That was the day we all became besties (ok, maybe just in MY mind)! I read your comments and they made me laugh harder than the blog!!

  4. Emily

    Something to cackle about: you’re actually rated *higher* currently than Rants From Mommyland AND The Bloggess. I have to say I’m impressed. Also, my kids *still* hijack every empty toilet paper roll every single time in order to make more fake poop. That’s what I call staying power!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Lawd, there surely must be a mistake.

      I frickin’ LURVE that your kids are still so enthusiastic about my Pootorial. You are one fun mama to have shared that with them!

  5. Bridget

    Woohoo! Congrats to one of my favourite people that I don’t actually know. You light up our lives, crazy lady and that is why we voted for you!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Bridget, for the the votes and the sweet words! I’m totally singing Debbie Boone’s “You light up my life” right now.

  6. The Mother Freakin' Princess


  7. Julie

    I was ever so proud of you yesterday. I remember thinking the first time I ever saw your blog that you’d knock Dooce out of the water one day. You are on your way, sister.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw, really Julie? That rocks. You know I’ve always liked you. Thanks for sticking around liking me anyway.

  8. mrs.frisbie

    That’s awesome, you SO deserve recognition! Congratulations. Please, never stop writing.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Must. Not. Stop. Writing.

      Hee hee! Thanks Mrs. Frisbie! Always a pleasure to have you here.

  9. Pricilla - Famous SpokesGoat

    Congratulations! I am very honored to know a Famous SpokesBlogger! I voted for Bad Dobbie again. I hope he wins. He is almost as bad as when Luke the goat pees on his beard to get my attention…..

    • The Bearded Iris

      Still having trouble visualizing how goats pee on their own beards. I have lots to learn about goats and their mating rituals. Thanks for being here Pricilla! Please tell the Publicist I say hello. And thanks for the Dobbie votes! He’s hanging in there!

  10. Mary the Oinkteller

    This is totally awesome, Iris! You SO deserve this award and even more so the notoriety and bragging rights for being a downright hilarious blogger. Woot, woot!! (Plus, I want you to know that I voted for you. Don’t fuhget us lil people now that you all famous.) Hopefully riches aren’t far behind! 😉 Keep up the great work!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! More like “infamous.” Still can’t believe the name of my blog makes people blush. It’s just a flower! I guess my name is kinda synonymous with vulvae now. I totally brought that on myself.

      Vulvastically yours,

  11. Jellyhead

    You have been awesome every day of your life – now, just more people know it! Looking forward to lots more from you my friend!

    • The Bearded Iris

      You know you my sistah from another mistah, right? I must have done something really spectacular to deserve a real-life-friend like you all those years ago.

  12. Heather

    Bitch, PLEASE!! As if we WOULDN’T haul your ass right to the top – WE LOVE YOU!!! You make us laugh, you make us cry… you’ve got it all and are not afraid to flaunt it (Hell, who else publishes a photo of their cow covered camel toe?!?!)… You rock, woman!! (And we all get bragging rights to say we knew you back when… :-))

    • The Bearded Iris

      Brag away, ass-hauler! You deserve it! If I had a card-swiping-loyalty-program, you TOTALLY would have earned a dozen free camel-toe shaped donuts many times over by now. XOXOX!

  13. Rootietoot

    Congratulations! I think you’re much the funniest of the bunch, but that may be Southerner Bias. (and I gots grammers too)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yee-haw, my southern sister! Thanks for being here!

  14. Mary Lou

    Iris! I am so proud of you! Don’t know what else to say.

    • The Bearded Iris

      That’s saying plenty, honey. I appreciate you and your crafty ass.

  15. Heather Novak

    MARVELOUS! No one who reads you is surprised Honey. You are my #1 actually. ( For reals.) I didn’t know what Babble was either. I came here today to tempt you to a skinny jeans thing….read my “Fat Ass, Skinny Jeans?” post and then YOU DO IT!!!! I think this is very you. Or isn’t, as the case may be. I want to see photographic evidence that we are both the same kind of crazy. (Tho yers is way funnier. “Cleaning the cat box with your face, for example.” Oh. My.)

    • The Bearded Iris

      I went. I saw. I loved. Don’t get me started on how hard it is to find jeans when you are a real woman with curves and baby battle scars. I tweeted you links to my jeans post and my “don’t wear your hoochie jeans to church, whore” post (titled: Sir Plucksalot). Hell, that whole camel toe thing started when I was trying on all my pre-pregnancy jeans. Someday when I’m good and lit I’ll post pictures of my muffin top. You’re welcome in advance.

  16. Lisa

    Tonight I’ll raise my glass of box wine to you! Congrats!

    • The Bearded Iris

      I’d like to hear Pink sing: “SO RAISE YOUR BOX!” Yep, you heard it hear first. Raise that box, honey. Raise it UP. (Elevating it is probably good for the varicose veins anyway.)

      Thanks for being here!

  17. Allysgrandma

    I know nothing without you…well except Pinterest, but that’s only because I saw it on my daughter’s computer. Still awaitin my invite!

    Remember the little people. I did my duty, just remind me again….besides…I’m siiicckkkk.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Just sent you an invite! Sorry – didn’t realize you were waiting for one! Anyone else need a Pinterest invite? Let me know!

      • Allysgrandma

        Oh sweetie, I sent my invite in, now I am waiting for the actual log in stuff. Apparently they are growing so quickly they can’t keep up. But I will be looking and repinning as soon as I can. Have you seen the allsorts.com woman’s? Jenny B?? Omgawd I am in love with hers, but I am sure I will love yours too!

        Catholishly yours!

  18. Maggie

    Yaaay!!! Couldn’t happen to a funnier (or more deserving!) blogger– good for you!! Thanks so much for sharing your life and humor with us. And I love that you also give us the occasional observational nugget that makes us think– that’s part of what makes your blog really work for me.

    So– weren’t we supposed to hear about how you killed someone or something? 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      DOH! I was hoping you’d forget. It’s true, I did shoot a man once. Let me check with my attorney and see if the statute of limitations has passed before I possibly incriminate myself…again.

  19. Karen

    Congratulations Iris! Although I am fairly new to your site, I love your warped sense of humor-something we have in common. I took the time to read a couple of entries on the #blog-don’t get it!! You’re #1 with us! Enjoy your new found fame!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Karen! I’m always happy to be #1 or #2, heh-heh-heh.

  20. Anne @ Domesblissity

    Iris, you so, so deserve this honour. Besides being hilarious (anything you write), informative (who can forget the vulva candy), crafty (toilet roll poo), you’re humble and kind. Everything I love in a blog! Can’t wait to see you on USA Today and get a copy of your book. Hope you’ll sign it for me?

    Lots of love,
    Anne xx

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh, Anne! What an awesome comment! You are such a doll and I’m so glad Megan introduced us. You are a blogger’s dream reader and your listographies are always spot on the money! Thank you for being here with me and always taking the time to leave such thoughtful comments.

      love you right back,

  21. Livin In Duckville

    Well, ‘Duh’ of course you’d be in the Top 100!!! You rock!! I look forward to your blog posts and giggle when I see one – knowing that it will be a doozy! It always is.

    Congratulations Iris!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Sue! Your comments always make me smile! <:-)

  22. Candy

    I didn’t know what Babble was either until The Bloggess tweeted about it and I followed the link. I went through ALL 100 to see if any of the blogs that I subscribe to were there and if I needed to add any others. I don’t think their description did you justice. I remember your face but, well, nothing else. They started to run together.
    Last night someone linked to your Elf shenanigans and Holy Shiznit Batman! I’m hooked! You’re HI-larious! Voted for Dobbie and subscribing now!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well thank you! Glad you found me and welcome! (PS – you can vote for Dobbie every day until the 20th.)

  23. Mrs. Simpson - yes, that's really my name


    I just had to share:

    Much love.

  24. Katherine @ Postpartum Progress

    Congratulations on being in the top 100!!

  25. Karin

    It’s because you’re awesome. Congrats!

  26. Bernie Bickers

    Iris –

    Congratulations on finally finding a way to “go viral” in a way that doesn’t require a trip to health services and some awkward phone calls.

    You have totally earned your success with this project, I’m really glad you stuck with it. As for the 1988 class president election at the Mt. Lebanon School for Wayward Girls: (1) Blame your campaign manager; (2) Whoever won is probably now either now some kind of uptight prig or a burnout who peaked back when “Where’s The Beef” was still a catchy slogan; and (3) is there a more useless title/office on the planet than a HS class officer? After the election you never heard from those folks again until you saw their mugs in the Yearbook just before graduation. Yawn… I managed to spend a lot of time around the senior faculty of my high school the old fashioned way – smart mouthing teachers, setting off pranks, and getting detention!

    Rock on Iris!


  27. Leighann

    Oh kitten!
    I’m so proud of you!
    World domination!

    Or the iPad.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you, Sweet Thang. Either of those would be totally cool wi’ me. 🙂

  28. hpretty

    i love the fact that you are only “almost speechless”, so typical of us writers!
    big congrats, what a lovely acolade.


    • The Bearded Iris

      OMgosh – M2M, so sweet of you to stop by country home! Thank you! 🙂

  29. Adrienne S

    You really deserve this!! I love your blog and I’m like many others, I read it especially when I’m down because I know I’m going to laugh so hard. The month I had to take off from reading after surgery was the saddest month of my life, but I was pretty sure I was going to tear internal stitches if I read!! Being able to catch up was amazing (because I took preventative advil for my aching belly laughing!).
    Well done!

  30. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    I forgot to mention: WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!

    You deserved this. Just on the amount of times you use the word “vulva”. xoxo

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