A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Your Daily Dobbie

Three words, Inappropriate Elfers:

DRY. ERASE. MARKER. 

But like a potato chip dipped in chocolate and chased with a body shot of tequila, why stop at one?

That’s right, party people. Dobbie did the whole motherfuckin’ wall. BOO-yah!

No big mystery whose baby picture this one is:

The boobs. They give me away every time.

On three, let’s get out there and do some easily reversible property destruction.

One.

Two.

Oh wait, vote for Dobbie, the infamous urinographer. He’s entry #54 at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf contest. One vote per day until the 20th.

 

 

 

 

Where was I? Oh yeah…

THREE.

GO! Go forth and gently deface stuff. It’s fun. And it makes me forget how much shit I really should be doing.

Inappropriate and loving it,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved. Don’t make my Elf get all up in yo’ bidness. He’s got a dark side.

38 Comments

  1. Rootietoot

    YAY!! I love that!! Dobby’s a bit of a twit, no? He reminds me of Alex, the kid who lived down the street, and stuck feminine pads smeared with red toothpaste all over our back door one year.
    Hamish (my elf) got caught this morning. Go see his mayhem.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Please tell Alex I said thanks for the grand idea!

  2. Brianne

    I can not WAIT til Bugs is old enough to comprehend this type of mischief….seriously I will be back in 6 years for ideas. Thanks!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! You’re welcome. I bet you could start at 3 or 4. My four year old loves looking for Dobbie and gets the general idea of the mischief. In fact yesterday, Bucket Head erased all the picture frame graffiti and said “LOOK WHAT DOBBIE DID WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL!” Hey, if he wants to clean stuff and blame the elf? I’m totally fine with that.

  3. Meg @ Adventures as a Small Town Mom

    Oh. My. God. I love this post- the photos are hilarious!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Meg! How long is your Santa pic linkup going on?

      • Meg

        I think the Santa Photos 2011 hop ended on the 18th. 🙁

        Should I put up a linky on my post in addition to the link to the other Santa Photo blog hop?

  4. Danielle Snider

    I almost wet my pants laughing at this. SO awesome!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yay! I love pee-pants! (Especially when it’s not one of my kids and I don’t have to clean it up.)

  5. Ali

    Are you sure those are boobies and not udders?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Girl, I’m 41 years old, I think I know my own milk bags when I see ’em. But yeah, they do kinda look like a partial set of cow teats, don’t they? Or dehydrated summer squash. Good times.

  6. NanaBread (Jeanne)

    Wait… I thought that was MY baby picture!
    Pretty sure I saw those boobs while cleaning the tub this morning. 🙁
    (and no, I wasn’t peeping in your bathroom…. yet)

    • The Bearded Iris

      LMLBO! (Laugh my long boobies off!)

  7. Jwaaah

    Damn. You.

    All I did was click on a link a friend posted, which sent me to a funny write up about Crazy Elf Mommies. My mistake was reading the comments. It was there that someone posted a link to your blog. Here I sit, 4 hours and 9 pages later, the kitchen still a wreck, laundry in the washing machine from last night and just 30 minutes away from having to go pick up 4 kids at 3 different schools. I just printed out the handy husband chart thingy to post on the front door, with the “What did you DO today?” part highlighted!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES! I love being damned! Thanks! Glad you found something useful here that you could use as a husband-educating-tool. I aim to serve.

  8. Amanda

    Okay, so I hate to get your hopes up, and knowing you you already know this. But I thought I’d let you know you are number 3 in the running for the ipad2. Good luck!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh man, you totally got my hopes up. I’m going to be SO disappointed now if I don’t win. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

      Just kidding. I do hope I win so I can download an app for Bucket Head called “Teach your kid to read good, an’ at.” Poor kid. He wore a Bucket on his head for so long that I think it may have killed some brain cells.

  9. Allysgrandma

    Thanks for the reminder….I shamlessly once again plugged you on my facebook page…I am feeling well enough to get my southern packages off…I wonder if they will arrive by Christmas….

    That shot of cinnamon whiskey the other night actually made me feel worse…what is up with that?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Cheryl! Love shameless plugs! Hair plugs, not so much. But shameless plugs? I adore!

  10. Pricilla - Famous SpokesGoat

    @Ali – I can assure you they are NOT udders. I KNOW udders….

    You are evilly brilliant.

  11. Leighann

    I am in the drs office laughing hysterically.
    Omg!
    Genius!
    And you are right, the droopy boobies give you away every time.

    • The Bearded Iris

      …my signature lopsided “32 Longs.” So proud!

  12. Heather

    Good lawd, woman… what is wrong wit’choo?? I would suggest you become highly medicated but I suspect you already are! Maybe Dobbie needs a few sips off Momma’s box ‘o wine to knock his destructive ass out…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Apparently SOMEONE in this house was too sauced up last night. Not saying who, but when my kids came downstairs they were all “Aw man, Dobbie’s in the same place as yesterday!” ME: “Oh really? {cough cough} He must really like that picture of Grandma.”

  13. Jennifer

    Fucking awesome! I’m converting just so I can get my own horny little elf to deface my house!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Girl, you should totally make a Jewish elf who shows up for 8 crazy nights and makes the kids feel guilty for not being nicer to their mothers or getting better grades. (I’m a halfer so I can say that.) You’d make a FORTUNE.

  14. JayMoney

    Go Iris! The other participants don’t stand a chance.

  15. Jessica

    I totally have an elf that already does this named my son.

    • The Bearded Iris

      WORD. Who needs to spend $29.99 on a made-in-china POS when we can just push one out of our vaginas?

  16. Crista

    Can’t talk. Milk squirting from nose (not udders).

  17. Jennifer

    Dude, let’s get rich:

    Shmuck On The Shelf

    with circumsized and uncircumcised models (for the seriously reform Jew)

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, I love you so hard right now. Run away with me.

  18. Kristin Tlili

    Iris, you are HILARIOUS. Doobie is so naughty. I wish I had thought of that shit! And just so you know, have a following in Maine. We all love you and want you to be our “Sister Wife” (don’t get scared, we won’t stalk you or anything). There are a bunch of us who have this fantasy of being Sister-Wives. We laugh about it all the time. But as life goes on we see the appeal. Anywho, your hilarity would add to ours. I think we have all voted for your Doobie! Hope you win that ipad and Buckethead gets those brain cells back. I have posted your link on FB and hope to get you many more votes from across the country.
    Keep writing

    • The Bearded Iris

      YAY! I’ve always wanted to be a Sister WIfe! It makes perfect sense! You are surrounded by helpers and allies and you have people to share all the less desirable tasks with like toilet scrubbing and doing crafts with kids and sex. Save a spot for me! And by the way, never been to Maine but have always wanted to go there. It looks so beautiful in all those Stephen King movies. 😉

      Thank you so much for the vote pimping and the encouragement! Dobbie’s hanging in there! Go Dobbie!

  19. Dawn@LightenUp!

    I got your Daily Doobie…right ‘chere.
    Wait, what?
    I think I voted. Clicked “like,” but the number didn’t go from 772 to 773. I hope I did it right. Blonde as charged.

  20. Trish the Dish

    You are SOOOO close to winning – did you know you can vote 1 time each day from each computer you have? With my 3 computers, I’ve voted 9 times in the last 3 days. Just a thought…

  21. dizzy

    LMLBO…Classic! Child #1 wanted to do this for #2 last year and I gave in, against better judgement…As predicted we had elf apathy this year and #2 was distraught that the elf was lazy or dead! You inspired me to kick it in. Our elf is currently hugging the pepto bottle kept in the fridge (much better cold- like vodka) and has been eating 2 ft long pixie sticks in the chandelier, riding the reindeer, swinging upsy down in the bird cage.. You saved us from elf inertia. Gratitude. Will be robbing your ideas tomorrow as graffiti is too fun!! Also may decorate the tree with underwear and TP her bedroom…Maybe wreckless driving.

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