A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

I can’t quit you, Pinterest.

Oh Pinterest, how you tease me with your visual harlotry.

You make everything look so pretty, and easy, and attainable.

But you lie. And you torment me.

Oh sure, there have been a few fleeting moments of success.
Like the time I discovered the best broccoli recipe ever.*

And Bucket Head sure does enjoy the magnet board I put in his room.

And when I saw that I could make an igloo out of recycled milk jugs,
I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Because I’m a freak like that.

But my anal-retentive husband threw away the first milk jug before it had even dried.

Giant milk jug igloo, you will never be mine.

People like me have no business getting inspired to make stuff. It is dangerous.

I should probably just stick with recipes and gardening and funny stuff.

And I really need to remember that you can’t believe everything you pin. 

Because those bacon pancakes?

Well…

um…

in a word?

FAIL:

Unless you actually WANT a gigantic vertical-bacon-enhanced vulva. Then, yay!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to step away from the computer
and get some actual fresh air into my lungs today.

Or I could just sit here and pin some breathtaking outdoor scenes.

Damn you, Pinterest.

Sincerely,
Iris

*That broccoli recipe? I adore it. But my husband and kids do NOT.
And you know what that means?…more for me.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

43 Comments

  1. Jenni Wichers

    Hilarious!!!! I completely agree ….

    • The Bearded Iris

      Can’t. Stop. Pinning.

  2. Anne-Marie Carlson

    So true! I’m new to Pinterest and it’s addictive. But you left out the part about how it makes you scour the internet looking for things to Pin. Damn that “Pin It” button.

    • The Bearded Iris

      So true. And I NEVER find anything good to pin…so I mostly stick to pinning other people’s pins.

  3. Pricilla - Famous SpokesGoat

    While I have an account I have never explored this Pinterest. I do not have time. It is hard work being a Famous SpokesGoat and with all I have to do I can’t spend my time at the computer.

    Are there apples there? I like apples……

    • The Bearded Iris

      I find you very Pinteresting, anyhow.

  4. Andrew D'Cuzzin

    As a male reader, I must confess: That pancake looks Freudelicious to me.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well thank God you are here to confirm my suspicions that I am trapped in the poo-poo-pee-pee stage of development. I’m going to seek therapy for it, as soon as I’m done crafting this new batch of fake turd Christmas ornaments.

      • Andrew D'Cuzzin

        Hahhaha. I knew my tree was missing SOMETHING. Well, there’s always next year…

        LOL

  5. Julie

    You have the best luck with vulva food.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you. It’s a gift.

  6. The Queen

    Hi, My name is The Queen, and I’m a Pinaholic. I’ve been pinning roughly for over a year and I have attempted maybe 3 or 4 craft pins and every single one has failed. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Yet, I continue to pin.

    Personally I think Pinterest is imaginary. It’s all perfect in our minds (and on our boards) but nothing ever turns out that perfect.

    I pin things for my imaginary house, and my imaginary children. I’m such a sicko.

    I even have a pin board dedicated to Pinterest. How weird is that?

    Off to go pin some more. HELP!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, I have a pin board dedicated to my Pinterest Love/Hate too. Sick sick sick. (Can’t stop.)

  7. Cynthia M

    I’m not sure which is worse. Trying and failing at Pinterest crafts, or just pinning and pinning and pinning and never actually trying a thing. Which may be what I do.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I totally agree. And I do both with abandon.

  8. Carrie

    That is almost down right pornographic.

    And I think I love it.

    Not the actual vulva. The pancake you made into a vulva.

    I just got on Pinterest maybe 2 weeks ago. I’m still not sure I’m even spelling it right. But I can confirm it has crack in it.

    I’ll be following you there and here now.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yay! Let’s pin all the things together!

  9. Rootietoot

    there’s maybe 3 things on my pin board. I have a short attention span. However, I might put your bacon pancake on it, next to your vulva candies.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I’m going to get all kinds of sickos here if I write that I love it when you pin my vulvae. Ooops. Too late.

  10. FiveOGrrl

    Omg. Pin-tit-twist is like my pusher for recipes. Oreo cookie truffles is my drug of choice. Look those bitches up. Next to your ” Mommy-got-ripped-a-new-one flappyjacks. I can’t quit you.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oreo cookie truffles? STFU! Damn…that giant flappyjack is scary, even to you, a flippyflappy connoisseur. I better stick to Lil’ Smokie Baby Jesuses.

  11. JD @ Momagement

    That is all sorts of wrong. Hysterical!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you. I aim to please.

  12. Martha (MM)

    Hey, I didn’t even know you were on pinterest now – it’s been my addiction since I haven’t been blogging as much – although I do have a new blog now. I’m heading over to check out your pinboards! Hope you had an excellent Christmas. Here’s to a Happy New Year ::Cheers:: 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hey Martha! Miss you, girl! Can’t wait to check out your new blog and hook up with you on Pinterest.

  13. Jen Has A Pen

    I just recently got the invite to Pinterest, but I’ve done nothing with it yet. I’m afraid of the addiction, because CLEARLY, I need one more thing to distract me from living life outside of the world wide web.

    • The Bearded Iris

      DO IT. All the cool kids are doing it. And me.

  14. Leighann

    Excuse me?
    Bacon pancakes?
    Um yes please.
    I’ll take a platter and eat them inside my milk carton igloo

    • The Bearded Iris

      BITCH! You better invite me over for flippyflappyjacks in your igloo. (You have the BEST pins, by the way.)

  15. Stacey H.

    Milk jug igloo? You have to be friggin kidding me. Who has time for that shit? OK I know someone who would totally do that, but then there better be some recycling of those jugs. HA. I haven’t said jugs in weeks! 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Jugs! (giggle giggle giggle) I’m so glad you weren’t at church with me on Saturday night for Bingo. Every time they called out O-69 I burst into hysterics. On second thought, think we can find a Bingo hall in Dayton?

  16. Jessica

    This is so me, I blame Pinterest for all my Christmas fails. I pinned all these stupid ideas for making gifts, bows, my own wrapping paper and apparently you have to have a crafty bone in your body BEFORE you do these things. Maybe I’ll create a pin about wrapping things in garbage bags and finding the shortest drive thru line.

    • Steph

      “Maybe I’ll create a pin about wrapping things in garbage bags and finding the shortest drive thru line.” That made me LAUGH! Hilarious.

      • The Bearded Iris

        I know, right? Brilliant.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Preach it, sister! I would totally repin your garbage bag tutorial. That is right up my bacon-flavored alley.

  17. Jenny Leigh

    Ha!!! Bacon pancakes!! I LOVE bacon… but… hrmmm. Even I don’t know about bacon-vulva pancakes. I just got on Pinterest this week, and when I did I knew that it would cause problems at home because I will drive everyone crazy with my nose in it all the time! I just love pretending that all those beautiful, picked-up rooms in the photo are mine. 🙂

  18. Allysgrandma

    My computer has been down for 3 days. Now I have wireless since I upgraded to U-verse. And I was excited because I can now use DH’s laptop (that he only uses quarterly to do spreadsheets) while I watch TV at the same time. Pinning and watching TV….I call that multi-tasking!!

    I don’t find I need to repin that much, I just follow creative people like that Allsorts.com person. I love everything about her pin board.

    PS My sister and I used to put bacon in waffles, but chopped up so you didn’t get the vulva problem. Try that sweetie! Happy New Year!

  19. Ninja Mom

    I’m recovering from holiday travel (like a hangover, but without the fun alcohol side effects). And here I come, waltzing into your bacon-flapjackgina.

    I’ve missed you!

    • The Bearded Iris

      You said “flapjackgina”…holy mother of awesomeness.

  20. Not Supermom

    BlogHer suggested I come over and read this article.

    Little did I know… Certainly didn’t expect vulva pancakes. BRILLIANT.

    As for Pinterest, it’s like crack for the crafty.

    • The Bearded Iris

      WOW – very cool! I didn’t realize it was one of the featured posts today. Thanks for stopping by!

  21. kia

    I think one of the etiquette ‘rules’ ought to ban the use of the word ‘cute’. What some people find cute is astounding. Like all those cards and journal pages that just pile stuff on top of other stuff and think it’s art. I’m sure someday I’m going to find a kitchen sink on one. Have you ever seen anyone on Christmas morning spending time to notice how their present is wrapped?

    I had tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks reading all of this. You go girl — go make that igloo.

  22. Jennifer

    I died laughing. The bacon pancakes…I love it. Your post is spot on how I feel. 🙂

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