A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Iris Learns to Vlog

93 Comments

  1. Kendra

    OMG…it’s rare indeed that I find someone who shares my I-don’t-give-a-shit-if-I-look-like-an-idiot goofiness! It’s why I have so few friends! That, and I <3 potty humor.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wait. What? Are you sayin’ I look like an idiot or that I’m goofy or that I don’t give a shit? (Because you’re right, all three ways.) Thanks for digging the potty humor! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. megryansmom

    Well that was…enlightening. Spark? Pulleese…more like SPLATTTTTTT…or SPURTTTTTTT, but not spark. I was expecting shorter hair (on your head) change your profile picture would ya! And I was expecting more of a southern drawl. Damn Yankees, we all think anyone more than 1 1/2 hours south of Chicago talks funny and has missing teeth. But you…yer real purty and have all yer teeth.

    • The Bearded Iris

      HA! OMG, you said SPURTTTTTT. It would be easier to just get a haircut than redo those photos (and high level photoshopping). Maybe I’ll just buy a wig. Yes, I’m a Yankee…from Pittsburgh actually. I’ve only lived in the south for 9 years. But I do write with a Southern drawl sometimes, for funsies! ๐Ÿ™‚ (Bless my heart.)

  3. Alexis

    {speechless}

    I love your randomness! Also? Would it be asking too much for you to leave your video camera on all day long so we can just check and see what you are up to? I feel like there is too much funny going on in your life and I’m missing out on ALL if it.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! That would be way too incriminating, Alexis. Nah, you’re not missing a thing honey. It’s WAY funnier with edits and special effects and makeup…lots of makeup. Maybe next time I’ll do it at night though after a couple glasses of wine!

      Thanks for watching and for the sweet tweets yesterday!

  4. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    OMG, you are hilarious. I’ve been wanting to do a vlog but was worried about doing all the stuff you did. Wait, that sounds all wrong. I mean that you totally celebrate not knowing wtf you’re doing with the vlog thing and it worked for you! Your vlog is vlog outtakes and it’s perfect. I was all ready to do one and I put on my 4-year-old son’s superhero eyemask thing, to protect my identity, and my husband told me I looked stupid, and not funny. Damn. But maybe looking stupid would work for me? I know I’ll sound stupid. I write without any weird mannerisms, but I talk with a boatload of them. Anyway, all this is to say, kudos. Lady, you’ve got balls. That was awesome.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You so get me, Allison. Yes, I knew that I was going to suck at this, so I tried to not take myself too seriously and capitalize on all the awkward moments and mistakes. Glad you think that worked! Yay!

      Hey, just between us girls, don’t listen to your husband. I definitely did this while I was home alone because I’m sure my husband would NOT think it was the least bit funny. I think the superhero thing sounds hilarious. Weird mannerisms? Let that freak flag fly honey. Your readers love you and they will love your vlog!

      • Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

        I might just give it a try. Next time I’m alone. I’m inspired by yours. I can set self consciousness aside and just be the weird lady in a kid’s superhero mask who has nothing really to say.

        • The Bearded Iris

          YES! I have faith in you woman. We’re all self-conscious. Just be yourself (in your mask) and we will love you for it.

  5. By Word of Mouth Musings

    Since i have a nine yr old back here with me, will have to wait til later … what, i should expose her to your potty mouth at this tender age?
    … i think not ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • The Bearded Iris

      GOOD CHOICE Nicole! Ah, you know me too well. But come on back and watch later since we’re going to be roomies and all. It will give you a sneak peak at what you’ll be trying to drown out with excess alcohol consumption at EBWW.

      • Allysgrandma

        I had to tell my middle daughter (age almost 31) to delete the word “fuck” off facebook today! Good grief, my relatives have her as a friend. Besides where in the world did she learn that word??? Er uh…..nevermind…..

  6. Fiveogrrl

    Bitch, have a couple of drinks before your VaGebloggeria. Great editing. I was also impressed with your southern Jesus freak accent. If you need redneck, I’m really good at it…. 15 years policing with citizens of Cummin’ Gerjah..

    • The Bearded Iris

      WORD. This was fueled by nothing but coffee and yogurt. I think an evening edition would be much better!

      Holy crap, I would LOVE to interview you sometime. We could do our own little RENO 911 episode. Will you wear the short shorts? I’ll bring the mustache.

      • Fiveogrrl

        I want to be in roller skates and a tube top. No coochie cutters. Have you seen my phat thighs?

  7. Kris the Colts fan

    Nice effing vlog. A spark? Really?? Maybe she doesn’t know how babies get in the womb either.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I had to edit it out, but what you didn’t get to hear was that this was a real conversation I overheard recently between two women in a school lobby. Bless their hearts.

  8. Jane

    I could not stop laughing! So good to see you friend!

    • The Bearded Iris

      JANEY! OMG, I was totally thinking of YOU when I typed the “Well, isn’t that nice,” under the picture of my family. I always think of you when I say that!!! Miss you, girl!

  9. Alyssa

    Hilarious! Loved the (bless her heart) When I first moved to Texas, I used to count how many times I heard that phrase at work. I’ve since lost track, bless my heart.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I love that phrase. It’s so sweet and snide at the same time! Bless your heart, Texas style, Alyssa.

  10. Sandra

    Ooo eeem geee Iris! I watched the vlog! I was like, “Almost 4 min. for a vlog? I’ll never watch the whole thing but I’ll just tell her I did” ’cause I lie like that on comments. But I could not turn away! It was awesome! So jealous that you nailed your first vlog like that…and technically, woman! I can’t even figure out how to upload videos never mind making them all snazzy and shit! You da bomb!…yes, I just used gangsta talk in a comment…

    • The Bearded Iris

      I love it when you talk gangsta, beeyotch. When I first started reading your comment I got all nervous and clenchy like, “oh snap, here it comes…too long…too boring…who do I think I am…blah blah vagina blah.” Thank you for watching the whole minutes! I definitely need to get better at editing and will make future ones about half that length, I promise!

      As for the snazzzzz…girl, wanna know my secret? I watched a tutorial YESTERDAY about iMovie at vlogtalkmeme. I had no idea how to use that program before I watched that video. Drag and drop, baby. Drag. And. Drop.

  11. L.Hewitt

    Adoration for the vlog. Bravo. I hope it goes viral. Perhaps the mustache relieved you of some unwanted facial hair?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Viral! Geepers. That word makes my hoo-ha itchy. Thanks for the adoration! Yes, that mustache was really effective. I might have to do that more regularly. Do you think they make larger stick-on mustache merkins for the bikini area?

      • L.Hewitt

        I know right. You could get a virus (just a pretend one) and a big DRUG COMPANY ENDORSEMENT (Valtrex?). Why yes, they (Sally Hansen) has massive glue torture things for the “bikini are”. I like to refer to the bikini area as “thisshitisgrowinghalfwaydownmythighdammit” We will just have to draw mustaches on them, if you like. Actually, there is quite a resemblance to mustaches, once the torture has been executed.

        • L.Hewitt

          Please excuse the typo and any other incorrect shit – “bikini area” . You do southern good, real good.

  12. Karin

    I liked you before. A LOT. But now…now? Me love you long time. I wish we could be friends. For realzies.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, Karin, that made me laugh. I’m a sucker for “me love you long time.” Thank you!

  13. Christy

    You did not disappoint! “I like cheese” was my oldest daughter’s favorite saying a few years back. She loved you before but she will really adore you now! I can’t wait to show it to her.

    • The Bearded Iris

      My son used to say that all the time (he’s 12 now)….I guess that’s where I got it. Do you think it comes from a kid TV show or something? I really do like cheese. And pie.

      I let my son watch this video and just blanked out all the bad words. He thought it was really funny, especially the maniacal slow-mo laugh part. Making him laugh is one of my favorite hobbies!

  14. Livin In Duckville

    OMG… you crack me up…. Great job on your very first Vlog…. I’m looking forward to ‘seeing’ more of you!

  15. Anne @ Domesblissity

    You’re just adorable Iris but I always knew that. And, on another note,๏ปฟ I always thought babies were made by a man putting his prized possession where you pee? Funny that my husband keeps putting his thongs in the sink and still no babies! *wink wink* xx

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hilarious Anne! “…putting his thongs in the sink…” You cheeky Aussies!

  16. Mommy2ยข

    Whatever you do… DO NOT vlog about that dirty whore, Francis! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh snap, you totally went there, and I am loving you for it.

  17. Jen

    I do believe that you are onto something and I would like more vlogs in the future.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Coming from YOU, the funny video master, that means A LOT! Thanks Jen!

  18. Allysgrandma

    Dammit my computer keeps freezing your face in hilarious poses, everyone and their dog must be on the internet! I’ll try again tomorrow.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dammit. I wonder if I did something wrong when I uploaded it… I have so much to learn.

  19. Robin

    You r just too damn cute….. Little more volume next time…. Congrats on taking the risk to put yourself out there just as u r!!!! R

    • The Bearded Iris

      Great feedback Robin – thank you! Yes, I noticed that too…the fading in and out. Not good. I’ll work on that. Thanks again!

  20. Stacey H.

    I am in favor of your vblogs as long as you continue to only film from the waist up. I live in fear of your adding mustaches to other “parts”…and for the love of cheese whiz there are children in third world countries who can’t afford fake body hair. Plehz! Bravo, Ms. B!!

    • Stacey H.

      You do realize that I was being my regular smart-assed self, right?! Your vblog was fabulous and I loved it. The song “You’re so Vain” is going through my head and I’m starting to feel like all your friends don’t like me b/c you didn’t respond to my retarded comment. Please don’t let them think I’m a crazy beeatch afraid of a v-j-j in disguise!!

      • The Bearded Iris

        Stacy! OMG, of course, honey! No offense taken! So sorry I’m behind in my comment responses this week. A funny thing happened on the way home from the gum ball machines…

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, you were afraid THIS was offensive? Have you not seen some of the comments on the gum ball machine post? Never fear Nurse Mommy, you have a lifetime pass of awesomeness here.

      And now that you mention it, adding a mustache to my signature cameltoe WOULD be pretty funny. Hmmm…

  21. Sarah L

    You.are.killing.me. The LOVE SPARK!!

    By the way, I dig the baby-safe door look on the INSIDE of your office door. Yup, yup, I’m jealous of your woman cave. Wait, did that sound right?

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, you noticed that? I WISH it was a woman cave. My husband and I share this office space…hence the footballs on the bookshelf. (Yes, my husband decorates with footballs. Pray for me.)

  22. Michaela Mitchell

    So my very first vlog was a little like this, but where your’s is HILARIOUS, mine bordered on pathetic…I bow down to you!! Can’t wait to see your next one!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Michaela! I’m glad to have the first one out of the way. It was a mental hurdle.

  23. Susan

    That was entertaining. My computer kind of froze now and then but it really just addes to the fun!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Argh, I bet I did something wrong in the uploading process…saved it too big or something. Dangit!

  24. Andi Brown

    You absolutely kill me!! I think I’ve found a new moto

    • The Bearded Iris

      I’mma pray for you, bless your heart. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  25. Amanda Andrus

    I loved your vlog! It was great to see you and hear you. I would love to see some more. Now when I read your blog I will have your voice in my head. It’s not the southern drawl I had heard. I loved it!! Keep the vlogs coming.

  26. Made in Suisse

    I like cheese…you’ve almost killed me with that one sentence. We should create a Vlogel Price and nominate you for it!

    • The Bearded Iris

      What is a Vlogel Price? Is that real? I really do like cheese, ya’ know!

      • Made in Suisse

        A Vlogel price would be a Nobel Price for best vlogs (and services rendered to Humanity in the process!). It doesn’t exist yet but it should! We’d vote for you!

  27. Marley Croy

    Too funny!!! The face at the end was awesome! BTW…you look so much younger than some of your website pictures.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Marley. I think. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  28. Kate Takes 5

    You complete nutter. (I like cheese too btw).

    • The Bearded Iris

      When I come to visit you in Ireland, we are going to eat cheese and go dancing to Barry White music together.

  29. Dana

    Good Lord, that made my Friday!!!! Totally awesome… More please….

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES MA’AM! I’m already plotting something ridiculous. I don’t want to spoil it, but it might involve dancing, a clown car, a box of wine, and my dog.

  30. Allysgrandma

    Bless his little heart (Buckethead). The vlog worked today at noon! You are so pretty and you totally remind me of my friend Kathleen. She looks so much like you and she has a hilarious sense of humor too. More please!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw, bless his little dog-crotch-sniffing heart! Isn’t he PRECIOUS! I love you Cheryl. Never leave me.

      • Allysgrandma

        No fears about that sweetie! Happy week!

  31. Mads

    I think the face at the end was my favorite part. haha
    Yay for vlogging!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YAY for you liking funny faces! I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

  32. Carrie

    Let me tell you something, sister.

    If this is the last vlog you do, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.

    And then kick it again.

    I just fell more in love.

    And the “cleaning your womb” stuff? FRIGGIN PRICELESS. I will run that shit in the ground even when I’m NOT cleaning my womb just because I love saying it now!

    Why can’t you just live next door?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Gaw…I like when you call me sister. Is that wrong?

      Yes, from now on, I decree we all call it “Mom, I’m cleaning my womb.” SO much more fun and productive than “Raising the Japanese Flag,” or “Being attacked by the silent red ninja,” or “having Communists in the funhouse.”

  33. Glen

    You wear the Mo better than I did – see yo in Movember ๐Ÿ™‚

    • The Bearded Iris

      You should see my toes.

  34. Leighann

    That was hilarious!!
    Especially the face at the end! Awesome.
    I loved it!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      It’s a fact…I have mad skills in the funny faces department. Too bad my high school guidance counselor didn’t recognize the value in that.

  35. Crista

    Next time, would you do some Pittsburghese? Also, love the leopard print throw on the chair behind you!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hey Crista! OMG, you don’t miss a thang, do you, girl?! Yes, you KNOW that I have to have a little leopard in my life! It’s true…my Pittsburghese is legit. Maybe I’ll sing you a song sometime if I’m drunk enough, like DAHNTAHN by Petula Clark, or Santa Claus Is Comin’ to TAHN, or Get DAHN On It by Kool N’ the Gang.

  36. Rebecca

    Girl, you have got to get a new website photo. You look at least 10 years younger in this vlog and you are so cute!! Excellent editing skills, too!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Are you serious? Ten years younger? AWESOME! Thanks! It’s probably just the pony tail. (WHICH I VOW TO KEEP FROM NOW ON! In fact, maybe I’ll get braces and wear a t-shirt from A&F too to really complete the look.)

      • Rebecca

        Completely serious. The glasses, hair – you look fantastic!! I’ll stop creeping on you now before you ban me from your site. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  37. Heather

    Oh man! Your expressions are priceless! I can’t take it! So so funny!

  38. Lorie B.

    You are too funny! Reading your blog has been great, getting to see your face and expressions puts a whole other perspective on it! Love it!! Thanks for all the laughter!

  39. Robin

    I just LOVED your VLOG. It’s wonderful to actually SEE you in action. You are one of the brightest spots of my week and I love to share your posts with friends.

  40. Shannon

    You are hilarious! By the way – a baby gets in there when there’s a spark? Wouldn’t that burn?! If babies are caused by sparks, then everyone would need a merkin.

    I also took note of the Ohio State football on the bookshelf behind you so I have to give you a big OH-IO! (I’m from Ohio)

  41. Jenna

    So that’s the real you eh?! Well bless your heart ๐Ÿ˜‰ I was kind of expecting you to sound like the ladies from The Help. The moustache was great, you just need to add a bottle of wine and you are good to go.
    Cleaning my womb…might have to use that. Sounds better than “the machine is out of order for repairs.”

  42. Heather Novak

    AWESOME. The fact you are trying. I am too this week. http://www.mothersandmore.org who I also blog for wants to do some vlogging So I am trying to learn how to do that….and yours reminded me my deadline is Friday. And I still do not know how to do it. Nice. Dang.

  43. Mary

    I’m pretty sure that “Bless her heart” was never actually meant to be a compliment. I love it.

    P.S. WHY do I spend as much time scanning your comments as I do reading and now watching (argh – you are a time sucking evil temptress today) your posts? Dang it. All your readers are as funny as you are! Sheesh. And here I sit, writing about vegetables and chicken and breakfasts. Thank heaven, I have others surrounding me to make me laugh. Have an awesome night, girl!

  44. Elaine

    I came to your blog via A Sassy Redhead and now I’m never going to leave. I’m a nice stalker though so it’s all good. ๐Ÿ™‚

    p.s. you’re quite funny, my dear!!

  45. Jessiejack

    thanks Iris for more fun!

  46. Christina

    I’m surprised my husband hasn’t started questioning me. I haven’t laughed this hard in days. Actually, I lie. In a few hours, when I found the Darth Vader dancing to “Thriller” video. But before that! Really!

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