A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

If Pollyanna Had a Period

Read Me In the Powder Room!And speaking of cleaning up your womb

I’m looking on the bright (red) side of life today In The Powder Room.

Warning, it’s already been called “Gross but hilarious” on Twitter, so go ahead and read at your own risk.

Oh, and by the way? It’s satire. Just thought I’d go ahead and put that out there, you know, just in case I have any new visitors who wouldn’t know funny if it bitch slapped them upside the gum ball machine. And by gum ball machine, of course I mean vagina.

See you over there?

I’ll bring my hot water bottle and a fresh box of wine to share.



  1. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    “And by gumball machine, of course I mean vagina.” <—- my new favorite sentence in the world.

    • The Bearded Iris

      HA! Thanks! Let’s both try to use it in conversation today at least three times. You first.

  2. Brianne

    good thing you put the disclaimer here! hahaha!

    • The Bearded Iris

      You know, JUST IN CASE.

  3. Kate

    Wait… so this is supposed to be a FUNNY blog?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Er, uh, well…yes…the key phrase being “supposed to be.” Of course it just occurred to me that if I have to tell people “Hey, this is funny,” it probably isn’t. Dammit!

      • Kate

        ROFLMA… Well, it’s nice of you to put it out there for people like me who have no sense of humor. I would never laugh at someone else. Or call them names. Fuck it. Yes I do. You’re awesoem on so many levels. 🙂

        • The Bearded Iris

          Right back atcha, sister. Thank you for being here and never needing any special disclaimers (except for that one about cannibalism…that one was totally directed at you.)

          • Kate

            Heard that one loud and clear. After I ate my neighbor.

  4. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    You should turn that into a fancy disclaimer box and put it at the end of all your posts.
    RATED S: Heavy on the satire, vaginas and funny.

  5. Glen

    I can’t – I just can’t make myself read it… I don’t care how funny I know full well it will be. EEUUUGGHH periods!! That’s proper girl stuff that is 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      DUDE! No fair! I totally read your porn manifesto today. In other words, you showed me yours, now LOOK AT MINE, dammit.

  6. Kris the Colts fan

    Thanks for the laughs. Aunt Flo sucks, but it’s nice to be able to laugh about it.

  7. JD @ Honest Mom

    Hilarious? Yes. Gross? Only if you have never experienced giving birth. Really, what’s gross after that?

    • The Bearded Iris

      SO TRUE! That reminds me, I should tell one of my birth stories sometime. One word summary: poop.

  8. megryansmom

    Next you’ll say the beard’s not real!

    • The Bearded Iris

      NEVER. The beard is real, and it’s spectacular.

  9. Jennifer

    I can’t wait! I can’t wait! I love when you quote the bible! It’s about Scripture and The Word, right?

  10. Jellyhead

    And by beard you mean vagina, right??

  11. Kristin @ What She Said

    You know, if you think about it, a gumball machine really IS sort of like a vagina. You put something in, you get something out!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Totally. Furthermore, you have to turn a nob and lift a flap to get to the prize! And sometimes, the things that come out are not what you were expecting.

  12. The Queen

    Only you could make periods and having babies sound fun. I vote for a birthin’ babies story! It may scar me f0r life and never have children but I totally think hearing the story will be worth it!

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