A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Why The Bachelor Should Be Required Viewing for Single Ladies

Look, Mondays can be hard. Why do you think there are songs like “Monday, Monday,” and cats like Garfield, and get-your-ass-kicked phrases like “Somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

But there is one thing I look forward to on Monday nights that always tacks a happy ending onto a typically rough day: watching The Bachelor and tweeting about it with friends.

Yes. It’s true. I am a fan of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. And I’m not even ashamed of it (mostly). This show is absolutely fascinating to me from an anthropological mating rituals perspective. Okay, fine, that and I truly enjoy all the skin and exotic locale makeout scenes. And the cattiness…oh Lord, yes please.

Five catty contestants from The Bachelor eyeing up their competition's rack.

photo source: http://haveuheard.net

You don’t even have to watch the show to guess what the five women on the left are thinking about Princess Bitch Nipples there on the right.

I’m not here to sell you the show. It’s trash, plain and simple. But it’s delicious trash, and it brings me mindless joy. (Don’t judge.)

Ho-ever (not a typo), in spite of its dearth of redeeming qualities, there are some fabulous nuggets to be gleaned from this drivel. Specifically, examples that can help single ladies improve their chances of making a love connection in today’s challenging dating scene.

Here are the Top Ten Dating DOs and DON’Ts that I have ascertained from the last few episodes of The Bachelor:

1.) If you are ever talking to a guy and he can’t keep his eyes off someone else (like that scheming vixen Courtney), stop talking to him immediately and move on; you deserve better. (Unless you are a contestant on The Bachelor, then shut up already and kiss him like he’s never been kissed before…on the mouth, see # 5 below.)

2.) And speaking of first kisses, whatever you do, DON’T “Jamie it.” That was just plain awkward. Rule of thumb: if you have to give step-by-step instructions to someone on how to kiss you, you’re just not compatible. Game over.

“…easily one of the most horrifying moments in the history of the show.” ~ Chris Harrison

(You know you’re dying to see it now, aren’t you. I’ll make it easy for you. Click here.)

The Ugly Cry

3.) Keep it on the down-low if you are on the rebound. Your date will never want to take it to the next level with you if he suspects your heart isn’t in it.

Not unrelated: never let a date see your ugly cry too early in the relationship. You may as well start pooping with the bathroom door open. Just go ahead and just pack it up, sister. Do not pass go, do not collect your rose.

4.) Under no circumstances should you EVER show your date the creepy scrapbook you’ve been making about him. Once he knows he’s the center of your world, the thrill of the chase is over; pack your bags, beeyotch.

“And I made this page with my own blood, Ben. We’re going to be SO happy together, baby.” 

5.) Don’t be a slut. If you put out too early, he might keep you around for booty calls, but you’ll never meet his parents. Or like my Mama says, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” (NOTE: this adage does not apply if you are in fact only interested in some sexy time. In other words: “Why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage.”)

Courtney "The Maneater" lures Ben to skinny dip in Puerto Rico.

Photo Credit: Screen Still via Entertainment Weekly

6.) If you badmouth other girls, it makes you look shallow and petty. Don’t do that. (Emily! Geez, for such a smart girl, you sho’ nuff is dumb about boys.)

7.) If you tell your date that you just want to get married because all your friends are already engaged or married, GAME OVER! Nothing scares a man away like the smell of desperation.

8.) Be a good listener. “I appreciate the fact that you listen to me” Ben said to Kacie B., the baton twirling doe eyed Girl Next Door. God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason…use them in proportion. You can talk his ear off AFTER he puts a ring on it. (Your finger, that is.)

9.) Be flexible, easy going, and willing to roll with the punches, like the way Nicki didn’t let that torrential rain in Puerto Rico ruin her date with Ben. Men dig “low-maintenance” girls, or in Ben’s words: “It’s a turn-on!” (Granted, he’s probably talking about her wet t-shirt and not her attitude, but whatever.)

10.) Personally, I think a good tattoo can be sexy. But if you have a tattoo IN YOUR MOUTH, game overNothing says “tramp stamp” like a tattoo in your pie hole. 

photo credit: http://abigpicturewindow.wordpress.com

I can’t even imagine how much that must have hurt. (Bless her heart.)

Got it?

Would you prefer it in 140 characters or less? No problemo. Or like Nicki would say, “No prob-a-LAAAAAAY-MOE. (Ben is mooooey moooooey moooooooey calienTAY.)”

Okay, got it, Ben likes "open" and "nipples." Ben does not like scrapbooking or sloppy seconds. #TheBachelor
Iris Beard


For more The Bachelor related fun, check out:

Bachelor Ben Drinking Game by Connie at The Young and The Relentless

The Bachelor Season 16 Best Tweets from Week 6

And/or join me and my Bachelor loving friends on the Twitter next Monday night, 8 PM EST.

kiss kiss,




  1. Kristy

    Holy hell you freakin CRACK A SISTA UP!!! We’re gonna be friends… good friends… 😉
    hahaha Can’t wait to tweet it up next week!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Guuuurl, we are gonna Tweet that MUTHA out.

  2. Micayla

    Love the ‘tramp stamp’ and ‘tattoo in your pie hole’.
    I love my mummy bloggers but you are my new old fave
    Also love the ecard from a previous blog ‘take a joke etc’. BEST EVER!!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh yowza, that e-card was the bomb, wasn’t it?! Hey, I’m a mummy blogger, and I’m old. Perfect!

  3. By Word of Mouth Musings

    You should apply to be a location scout or something something 😉

    and on another note, booked my Dayton flight and its via Hotlanta!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh boy, I need to do that too! Email me the deets…maybe I’ll get on the same flight at you!

  4. Connie Weiss

    You HAVE TO come see what I just found. I just posted it on my blog. You’re going to LOVE it!

    Thanks for the shout out!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Holy CRAP. That is funNAY. I do loves me some auto tuned skank action.

  5. Allysgrandma

    Shhh don’t tell anyone. I told DH I would not tell anybody if he let me watch it during dinner (it comes on early here because we have Direct TV). He says he doesn’t care and thinks it is stupid. Did he move one inch during the entire show? Noooooooo.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Your secret is safe with me! I don’t know if I could eat while watching Ben kiss though.

  6. Anne @ Domesblissity

    Oh, I’m so envious Iris. “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” have been absent from our screens for a while. They used to be prime time viewing here in Australia but seem to make it back on the Pay TV channels on a Saturday afternoon. (Must be for us Mums while the husbands are watching football or baseball.) I love it. The trashier the better for me. (The reason why I like “Toddlers & Tiaras” so much. I did have to turn that off the other night when a Mum was showing favouritism over one twin and not the other. Brought me to tears.) Sometimes the trash gets too trashy even for me. But not The Bachelor. Bring it back on I say! I’ll have to keep my eyes out for this one. Sounds like a lovely bunch of girls. Sounds like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrell.

    Anne xx

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh, I missed that T&T with the twins. That show KILLS me…I absolutely cannot turn away from the head-on collision. On a good note, makes me feel like the BEST MOM EVER. Yay!

  7. Alex aka Whoa Mumma

    I was just about to tell Connie to come over here and read this post and she’s already been here!

    My husband kept poking fun at me for watching it (though we’re like 10 seasons behind in Oz) then got sucked into it because of all the cringe-worthy make out scenes. Pervert.

    • The Bearded Iris

      My husband watches it with me too (sorry to rat you out, hon) and we laugh our asses off!

      I love that you know THE Bachelor Blog Goddess, Connie, and was going to hook us up!

  8. Poppy

    I’m not above watching The Bachelor, I’ve just never been in the same room when that train has crashed. I’m printing these tips for my daughter. Especially the “don’t be a slut” tip because that one didn’t deter her father.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hey girl. It truly IS a train wreck…save yourself. But yes, I wish I had had these tips in a neatly laminated wallet sized version before Spring Break in 1991. That would have come in handy.

  9. Jen Has A Pen

    I finally watched this episode last night. I was HORRIFIED by that bitch and her kissing and lap dancing??? Poor thing. Poor, poor thing. I thought it couldn’t get worse and then the scrapbook came out. Holy hell. It makes me want to make one of those for George. Hehehehe. He’d feel so uncomfortable. Is it bad I want Courtney to “win”??? 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hahaha! No, I’m kinda rooting for her too, just because I think the show will be SO boring without her wiles. The rest of the girls seem so painfully normal, all except for Emily’s penchant for Infectious Disease Themed Rap. LOL!

  10. Lady Estrogen

    See? I don’t need to watch it anymore – I’ve found you!
    Honestly, I LOVED it the first couple seasons, then it just started to make me feel ill for womankind.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Preach it, sister. This show is truly an hour-long synopsis of all that is wrong with the world. (And I love it.)

  11. Kristen

    My sister watches this and forgets that I don’t (not because I am above it – I already have waaaay too many TV shows on Monday nights!!) and will tell me stories about these girls like she went to high school with them: “And did you HEAR Jessie tell Mary that Krista is a hermaphrodite??!! The nerve!!” It cracks me up so I encourage it.

    Thanks for the giggle!

  12. Ann

    That was a train wreck I could NOT look away from! I missed that one, was out of town, but I’m seriously praying it’s still on the DVR or I’m gonna have to cut someone around here.

    Something that’s bothered me from the beginning…the boy needs a haircut! Looks as if his Momma put a bowl on his head, you’d think he’d have the good sense to be ashamed like my boys were after I’d whip out the clippers. The guy ain’t right to walk around with hair like that.

    On a “Best Mom In the World” note…I watch with my 16 year old daughter. Nothing says DON’T DO IT! like watching these girls crash and burn. Kinda makes up for sending her to get her post wisdom teeth removal stitches out by herself. It was a little more painful than I was told and she passed out and sprained her ankle. Being the good mother that I am, I simply told her to drive her light-headed self to Chick-Fil-A for a biscuit and some sweet tea. Ain’t nuthin’ better than a biscuit!

    Gotta go check the DVR…

  13. Trish the Dish

    Yo Iris – check out http://www.ihategreenbeans.com! She’s got a great Bachelor blog and Chris Harrison has even invited her to the “after the final rose” episode!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wow – very cool! Thanks!

  14. Carrie

    Darlin. Puddin’. Sweetkins.

    Can you just please leave my blood pressure alone and let it rest till Monday? You just gotta go get me all riled up, huh?

    I don’t like to use the word hate, but…ehem:

    I hate those women.

    They are a total embarrassment to me AS a single woman. I would rather burn both nipples off and jam one in each ear before ever acting like they are OVER A MAN.

    However, I can not look away. My eyes burn and water, but I continue to stare directly into the screen.

    Then I stare down at my phone so I can tweet my ass totally off with you and the fabulous girls who make me SOOO look forward to Monday nights!

    I love you girls…LOVE. The Monday nights ya’ll give me damn near require a cigarette afterwards!

    And that totally makes me…wait for it….:


    • The Bearded Iris

      “I would rather burn both nipples off and jam one in each ear before ever acting like they are OVER A MAN.” — Possibly the greatest sentence uttered in the history of the world.

      How much longer until next Monday night?!

      Love you too, Puddin’.

  15. Deidra

    OMG!! I could only watch up to when her dress ripped! Holy Crap!! Is she really that dumb?? How does she get by in life?

  16. Snappy the Turtle Tamer

    What?! The girl has a tatoo in her mouth?!

    What other trash shows do you watch? I watch Jersey Shore (embarassed to admit).

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hey Snappy! Yes…tattoo, in her MOUTH! Can you imagine? And you just KNOW it’s not from a fruit rollup.

      I recently got sucked into a vortex of Toddlers & Tiaras and I will never be the same. I also used to be a devoted watcher of the Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love series. And of course, Dancing with the Leftovers Stars!

  17. Jennifer

    How the HELL did I miss this? Oh, that must be because I was tattooing “Ben” on my vulva.

    You rock my world.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You so crazy! Wrong set of lips, hon. You need to subscribe to my jank so you you’ll never miss another post about how to not be such a slut.

  18. Kristin @ What She Said

    I haven’t watched The Bachelor in years, but you sure do make me want to start again!

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