A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

And now the road to fame is paved with placenta.

Oh for the love of Pete, my placenta and I have been mentioned in a real life magazine.

pregnancy and newborn magazine cover feb 2012

Swear to God, my placenta and I are quoted in this issue!

I hope this doesn’t count as part of my 15 minutes of fame because my placenta is totally hogging the spotlight.

And also, I’m not sure why they put that slightly bloated pretty lady on the cover when they could have had a picture of a fashion plate like moi:

(Photo removed by Iris due to extreme case of blogger remorse.)


Holy CRAP. That picture was taken just a few hours before my sweet 9 pound 11 ounce Mini-Me burst onto the scene in 2002. It’s no wonder my belly looks like a Shar Pei today.

Actually, I couldn’t be more proud to be a part of the Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine article, The postdelivery party favor: Getting to know the amazing placenta. The author, Mary Seckman, contacted me for an interview last summer after reading about my own placenta horror story and the “Placenta Keeper Plus” I created for my good friend Mama Cloud as a semi-gag baby shower gift. If that post doesn’t shout “Ask me anything! I have no sense of shame or decorum,” I don’t know what does. Jayzus.

And speaking of newborns, Mama Cloud’s little bundle of love is about to celebrate his first birthday next month! Can you believe it? My how time flies.

Mama Cloud's beautiful newborn son in the crook of my hairy arm 11 months ago. Makes my nipples tingle just looking at him.

{Sigh.} What an angel. Newborns are BEST! (Except for that whole sleep deprivation and bloody raw nipples part.) Hey, know what else is pretty cool? Having a child who is finally old enough to get your humor and snicker when he hears you sing “Chuck Chuck, bo buck, banana fanna….” Yeah. That just happened and we totally bonded over it.

In other exciting news: there is a contest to find the Top 25 Funny (Blogging) Moms!

What do you think? Do I belong on this list? My fate is in your hands. This contest is running until March 21st and you can vote for all of your favorite funny mom bloggers once every 24 hours until then. (Pick me! Please pick me!)

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’d like to be on this list. Making people laugh is what I absolutely LIVE for. Well that, and my children. Fine, my husband too. Whatevs, the point is: if I have ever made you laugh, or chuckle, or smile, or leak into your Poise Pad even a little, then perhaps you would spare two clicks for The Bearded Iris? (Click the thumbs up symbol once you get there.)

Perhaps you’d even tell a friend? Look. I just showed you my naked belly AND outed myself as a recovering scrunchie wearer. It’s the least you can do.

Thank you kindly for the support!

with love and placenta prints,



  1. Kristin

    Lovely! I’ve got a photo like that one. Except my toddler is sitting atop the unborn sibling. The covers of those mags make parenting seem so calm and pastel. Little do those unsuspecting preggos know….

  2. Brianne

    They just threw my placenta in the corner on top of all the other trash! It was out in full view for the world to see. All our family still joke about it hanging out with us. So weird!

  3. L. Hewitt

    Oh my. going to vote.

  4. Sara

    I have heard of people drying the placenta and making pills, but never donating it! How do I get more info on that? I just googled the hell of out “placenta donation” and wasn’t very successful. Help! I would love to donate mine this time around. Not too interested in eating or planting it though…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Sara! I think it depends on where you live. My friend Mama Cloud donated hers to a Search and Rescue Dog training organization here in GA. I bet someone at Preganancy & Newborn Magazine could help you. Good luck! I love this idea! Sure wish I had known about it when I was a birthing mama!

  5. Rachel Fruitloop

    In solidarity, Iris, I’d like to show you a photo of my pregnant belly a week before pushing out my eleven pound two ounce second born son. Shar Pei is right on the money!

    I have voted, but shall spread the word. You are the funniest mom ever!

  6. Jennifer

    Of course you, your stinky crotch, your placenta and that gorgeous belly have my vote!!

  7. Robin

    Just voted…you ARE the funniest Mom blogger in my opinion! Passing it on!!

  8. Brett Minor

    I have never heard of someone using the placenta for anything. This part of the world just slipped by me.

  9. Kendra

    We could have been belly twins! Mine stuck out like a cruise missile too! Alas, my stomach also looks like a shar-pei now too.

  10. Pish Posh

    WOW! That is the most pregnant I’ve ever seen someone I think!

    Look at the beautiful babaaaaaaaaaay. So sweet.

    I will definitely vote for you and congrats on your placenta being quoted!

    Your arms are not hairy silly.

  11. Peg D

    I am so glad I discovered you. You keep me entertained every day. Best of luck on the voting. You deserve to be on the top of the list. I delivered my youngest, now 28, at a birth center outside of Philadelphia. She weighed 10lb 5oz., oh, the stretch marks! The placenta was placed in the freezer there for 1 month. If it was not picked up within the month they would dispose of it for you. During my Bradley Classes we were encouraged to keep it, but after 1 month we never got back to the birth center to retrieve it. That scenario just provided another opportunity for me to feel guilty. Thank you for helping me to see the humor in all of this.

  12. Sarah

    Umm, dearest Iris, did you notice that when listing potential embarassing points in that photo, you forgot to mention your lack of pants? Maybe that’s why I love you so much! Mmmmkay, moving on now.

    It was a nice article and all, but what is this they say about “a delivery encore”?! After pushing a 9-1/2 lb person with a full skeleton out of your hoo-ha, delivering that placenta is like a walk in the park. I barely noticed that sucker falling out! They shouldn’t scare pregnant mama’s.

  13. fiveogrrl

    I am more whorrified by that edgar alan poe chandelier in your hallway.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Totally. That was in our house in Winston-Salem, NC back in 2002. The previous owner was very traditional, and apparently she had very large feet, according to the catalogs we kept getting in the mail after she was gone.

      • fiveogrrl

        RuPaul maybe?

  14. Allysgrandma

    OMG here we go again. How much reasurrance do you need anyway! You know we all LOVE you….you don’t need more fans, we should be enough. You should love us back enough…you will forget us first fans if there are more….waaaahhhhhh….oh all right, just remember I asked first to be your agent! Hey and I am really bossy and pushy and would be a good one, just ask my daughters how bossy and pushy I can be!! Love you….hey #1 daughter was 9 lbs, 11 oz too! I knew we were spiritually connected!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Believe you-me, it PAINS me to ask for votes like this. I wish there were a better way. But alas, these lists seem to be an important part of the process for networking and being seen by decision makers who can offer other opportunities. And so off I go, to HO-HO-HO. 🙂

      And of course we are spiritually connected, silly! Between the quilting, the hairy husbands, the organizing bug, the potty mouths, etc. etc. etc., and now the birth weights? It’s just plain freaky I tells ya.

      • Allysgrandma

        Only teasing you, no explanations needed….I’ll share on Facebook….

  15. Carrie

    DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! What the fu….


    For a minute, I thought it was a nudey shot. Whoa. I was nervous.

    But you’re still as cute as hell.

    And I voted. Of course, I did. You knew I would.


  16. Alexis

    Are those your underpants? If so BRAVO brave lady!

    But seriously that is a great picture. ALL of it – beige scrunchy, baby belly, undies and all. I wish I had more preggo pictures of me (I’m always the one holding the camera so there is very little photographic evidence that I exist).

    And congratulation on the magazine love! Next stop Huff Pro right? 😉

  17. MikeP

    Voted for you, you funny funny woman.

    I reckon your vlogs could be stitched together to make a mini sit-com. Like a stay-at-home 30 Rock. I’ve just returned to study as a “mature student” so life is just s string of Community episodes for me right now.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Mike! SQUEEEEEEE! Long time, no e-chat! Thanks for the vote and the vlog-lovin’. Kiss kiss to Katrina for me too!

  18. Jessica

    As a reformed scrunchie wearer I just want to know… where were your socks? Two different colors, layered one on top of the other or was that the decade before the scrunchie?
    Congrats on the feature and the nomination, you get around!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh my gosh – I remember those socks!!! They made us all look like we had huge cankles. Why did we do that to ourselves? My ankles were so swollen by the time that picture was taken, I probably could not have gotten a men’s sweater over them.

  19. julie gardner

    Dude. That belly of yours is spectacular.

    And the way you’re cupping it gently?
    It’s almost like if you removed your hands that shit would fall down.

    So now, in addition to the Placenta Keeper Plus, you need to invent some kind of tummy scrunchie. In beige, of course.

    I promise you that ladies everywhere will be grateful for the support as they await the ring of fire.


    p.s. Oh yes and I’m voting for you. Duh.

  20. Leighann

    You are adorable in that picture! How amazing for you to be mentioned in the magazine, congratulations!
    And congratulations to your placenta!

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