A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

One year later…

One year ago this week I wrote my first ever Listography titled Five Things I Really Hate. If you are new here, you may have missed it, and it’s one of my all time favorite rants…especially now that I have much more sympathy for the poor gal in #5.

One year ago this week I also had to explain what the word “horny” means to my then 11 year old son. Poor thing got a little more than he bargained for with that question.

One year ago this week I organized the hell out of my laundry room.














I bet you’re wondering if my efforts there have lasted, aren’t you.

And the answer to that is an unequivocal NOPE.

What can I say? I subscribe to the philosophy that a life well lived is more important than a clean house. And by “life well lived” of course I mean somewhat inebriated and browsing Pinterest for bacon related recipes.

Besides, I’ve been busy with other more pressing things. Like bathroom remodeling, and watching/live tweeting The Bachelor, and blogging about poop and my down there lady business.

Hey, don’t judge. You’re here reading this crap. That totally makes you an accomplice to my juvenile sense of humor, y’know. But back to my whole “one year later” theme…

One year ago this week I overheard my daughter wonder aloud about the unbelievable torture (i.e. pixie haircut) her grandmother inflicted upon me as a child.

One year ago this week I took Bucket Head to the dermatologist to have a devil horn removed from his ear and then shared Ten Skin Care Tips I Wish I Had Followed.

And finally, it was exactly one year ago today that I shared one of my all-time favorite most horrifying discoveries in my children’s spiritual library

Naked Satan tempting Jesus in the desert...with a reach-around.

Wow. Hard to believe I accomplished ALL THAT in one week! I was so much younger and more energetic back then. Also, Lent came later last year (started March 10th), so I was clearly still all hopped up on boxed wine and Ding-Dongs when I wrote all those posts.

But here we are one year later.

Now I’ve got crotch rot, a 12 year old son who knows all my dirty limericks, a filthy/messy laundry room, long hair, a son without devil horns, and no illustrated children’s bible.

I’d say it’s been a pretty productive year.

Psssst. If any of this make you laugh, would you please help me make the list of the Top 25 Funny Moms? Just click this link and then click the “thumbs up” sign next to my name to cast your vote. You can vote once a day until March 21st for all your favorite funny moms. Thank you!

enjoying the ride,



  1. Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    I almost hated you a little when I saw the laundry room. Whew! Now must go check out the haircut horror. I have a similar past. And a similar before picture of my laundry CLOSET.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ah yes, damn that Mia Farrow. People used to ask my mom “How old are your sons”…pretty much until my boobs arrived on the scene.

  2. Rootietoot

    I had that haircut, too. I guess that explains a lot. It’s also nice to know that I am not alone in the inability to keep a room all tidy and organized. A picture of it is a good thing because you can hold it up and say “See, I AM CAPABLE OF THIS! Now bugger off, I’m too busy to be bothered.”

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yes, I am really glad I have these pictures side by side now. Maybe it will motivate me to get off my rump and go put some stuff away….after I’m done replying to comments…maybe.

  3. NanaBread (Jeanne)

    I laughed, I voted, and I’ll never think of Satan the same way again. Which means there was never giggling involved before.

    • The Bearded Iris

      YAY! Yes, I do believe that God would enjoy the idea of us giggling at that pervy Satan.

    • The Bearded Iris

      And thank you for the vote!

  4. Brianne

    You should really post these with a warning. Because I don’t know how to go back and start reading your blog from the beginning, I get all side-tracked by you linky-loos and lo and behold I’m an hour into this project.

    God I love me some Iris on a Friday when I should be working but don’t want to at ALL! Seriously if you post on how to read you from the beginning, make sure it’s on a weekend so I have time to catch up. Or a Monday…because I need distracted then too!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh honey – you are the BEST! If you ever really want to go back to the beginning, you can go to the very bottom of my home page and click on the “Oldies But Goodies” drop-down box (next to the dog poo picture). If you scroll to the bottom of the list of months there, you can get to the very first post I wrote in August of 2008 and just just click forward to newer posts from there. But only a batshit crazy stalker would do that because those old posts are pretty sucky. I think my writing has improved over time…like a fine wine, or cheese, or flannel nighty. 😉

  5. Kristen K

    Yep…those posts still make me laugh…except now, I have better control of my bladder. (I’m almost 2 years post partum so it’s getting better just in time for me to hit middle age.)

    I love your blog because I’ve learned so many things… pootorials, finger knitting, new words for my vagina…. so thank you.

    Now I’m off to put this fake turd in my husband’s coffee cup.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Kristen, how I love thee. How’s that finger knitting going, by the way?

  6. Wanda Argersinger

    You are one sick minded individual. Thinking like me will get my vote every time.

    • The Bearded Iris

      High praise from a fellow sicko! I love it. Thanks Wanda!

  7. Kate Takes 5

    Woo hoo got a mention! (Is that because you’re scouting for votes again? It’s a guilt trip isn’t it? Oh alright then…)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yes, that too. But I also truly love that story and how we met and how I fell in love with your whole Listography thang, plus the fact that it ties into my whole crotch mishap from a few weeks ago…

  8. Lyn

    voted. Love your humor!

  9. Pricilla - Famous SpokesGoat

    Sadly, I have no thumbs but I do give you hooves up!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Sweet! Thumbs, hooves, nipples, whatevs. Thanks for the vote!

  10. Jane

    Hahaha! I forgot about the illustrated children’s Bible- that still crackes me up.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Janie. Me too. So wrong!

  11. Sandra

    Of course I’m voting for you daily! And crotch rot…yeah, I need to get that visual out of my head now!

    • The Bearded Iris

      I KNOW – so sorry about that. Darn kids. Thanks for the votes, sister!

  12. L. Hewitt

    laughed. voted.

    • The Bearded Iris

      thanks. appreciated. love.

  13. Carrie

    OK. I clicked your button. Which is a first ’cause I’ve never clicked a woman’s button before.

    I feel dirty now.

    I didn’t know you last year but I sho’ know you this year. My life is better for it.

    And so is my musical singing. Told the nieces about Bucket Head the other day and of course had to find ol’Funky Town for them to hear.

    We ALL sang Taco Body.


    • The Bearded Iris

      Don’t feel dirty…it’s consensual button clicking and we both enjoy it. And golly, that thing you said about your life being better because you know me now? *wipes tear from cheek*

      The fact that you have shared my son’s Taco Body with not only The Bloggess but your own personal family brings me more joy than you’ll ever know. Thank you, Love. SMOOOOOOOCH!

  14. Pish Posh

    Omg link-gasm! So many links my brain is exploding. I better get a glass of wine and settle in! I like your list of 5 things from a year ago. I HATE it when people send Holiday letters. SHAAAAAAAAAAAADDDUPPPPP

    • The Bearded Iris

      “link-gasm!” hahahaha! It really is way too much for one post, isn’t it?! And here I was thinking, “meh, I don’t feel like writing today. I know! I’ll just recycle a whole week’s worth of posts all at once!” In hindsight, probably not a good idea. It’s like that time I ate a whole box of Tagalongs while watching a Christiane Northrup special on PBS about mother-daughter relationships and then fell asleep on the couch with half a cookie in my mouth. Good times.

      • Pish Posh

        No not too many! Just lots of good reading! It’s like finding a show you like to watch and realizing they are doing a bonus episode!

        Omg the mother daughter thing is hilarious! That’s what I study by the way..

        • The Bearded Iris

          Well thank you! I do love a nice meaty bonus episode, myself! Oh Lord, don’t get me started on mother/daughter dynamics (regarding me and my daughter, not me and my mother…she’s awesome). Would love to pick your brain sometime!

  15. Leighann

    Look at how much you’ve achieved in the past year rock star!!
    I’ve voted for you… you’re kickin’ butt!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Sugar-Pie! I just want to make the Top 25 so I can get one of those pretty pink buttons. (Bling whore in the hizzy!)

  16. Nikki Edgar

    I love your blog and will vote as often as I can for you! My phone is not totally cool though so I can only vote on an actual computer. I hope you win because I love you and think you should! Keep it real!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Nikki! Any and all votes are totally appreciated, honey! I would still love you back if you had to send your vote in via carrier pigeon or wagon train.

  17. Allysgrandma

    Well after wasting the entire day shopping and eating….I came home and watched the premiere of GCB with DH, and now it’s off to bed with an hour less of sleep, but dang I do love that extra daylight…more time to read your fab posts!

    I voted, I think….I’ll try again, my computer is tired with all the pinterest postings…..

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Cheryl! Ooooh, can’t wait to see your new pins. (Gosh, I haven’t said that since my Aunt Doris had her carpal tunnel surgery.)

  18. Lady Estrogen

    I luuuuurve being an accomplice.

    And by the way, I too had a horn removed 2 years ago. True story.

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