A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

…it was my week.

So, I’m going to ask Charles Dickens to help me pull it all together for your cultural edification, and also to class things up in huuuuur.

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens

On Monday I battled a recent ugly relapse into the depths of chronic depression when I accepted a dare by some of my blogging sistahs to showcase my hottest signature booty shaking moves on video. Score: Iris 1, Depression 0.

The response we all received was so incredible that we’ve decided to turn this into a monthly dance challenge. Look for more extreme hawtness and public displays of shamelessness coming to a monitor near you the first week of May. Interested in joining in on the fun? The more the merrier! Please contact Kerry @HouseTalkN to get the deets!

On Tuesday I was whining about how I’ve never been a bridesmaid and begging folks to consider me for future occasions. Several very awesome people including my blog crush Kristin from What She Said came forward and shared that they’ve also never been a bridesmaid. Oh thank GOD I’m not the only friendless loser one! I’m also pretty confident that if I can convince several of my readers to tie the knot, they may actually ask me to stand up for them just because they know I’ll bring da funk, and possibly the pantsuit. Case in point:

@ @ will you be my Maid of Honor? If I ever sucker the poor man into getting hitched? Dont tell @
Barbara Dockter


Oh snap! Sorry about that Melly, but I will cut you if you try to get between me and the Babzster.

Melly was ready to defend her turf though, and that bitch fights DIRTY:

@ @ Plus have you seen Iris dance? Yikes.....
Mel Stegner



But speaking of funk and pantsuits and female cage fighting, I answered several burning questions about my vintage getup on Wednesday…the same day the Top 25 Funny Moms contest ended, praise Jeeeezus. These vote-whoring contests are a bit of a soul-sucker, ain’t gonna lie. I wish there were an easier, more objective way to dole out the bling, but until someone invents a Funny-O-Meter, we’ll just have to rely on the popular vote. And lucky for me, you guys are über generous with your clicks and willingness to publicly support a hairy foul-mouthed suburban hostage with questionable feminine hygiene. God bless us, every one. 

So yes, I’m more than a little pee-my-pants-excited to announce that I made the final list, and am now officially one of the Top 25 Funny Moms (#5 actually, but who’s counting). Which was a perfect way to end the day and usher in MY 42nd BIRTHDAY on Thursday.

And even though Facebook totally screwed me and decided not to tell you that it was my special day (possibly a user error, but whatever), I still had a great time filled with lots of love and sugary goodness, including a magical trip to my Holy of Holies: Krispy Kreme, where I was given a free birthday doughnut and enough hats for my whole family to celebrate in STYLE!

Poor Bucket Head...he's like "Can we please just eat da doughnuts?"

Special thanks to Chantelle at the Roswell Krispy Kreme who hooked me UP, y’all! On a scale of 1-10 for customer service, that woman deserves an 11 and a pink Cadillac, or golden doughnut, or whatever those Krazy Krispy Kreme Kohorts do to show their appreciation for their best peeps. Thank you Chantelle!

But every rose has it’s thorn. No, that one is not a Charles Dickens original, but a darn close second (I heart you Bret).

That same day, my husband took me out for a birthday lunch at The Olive Garden because he knows I’m a sucker for an all-you-can-eat soup and salad experience. We had the two cutest waiters who were in training and thus very attentive. Seriously, I could not take a sip from my water without the one standing there to replenish my glass. Which makes me feel compelled to apologize to that dear sweet girl for exposing her to my vile language during a rant in which I got very emotional about the Trayvon Martin murder in Florida.

My heart is broken in two for this child’s family. Self defense, my ass. That boy’s only crime was Walking While Black.

photo credit: Martin Family/AP

In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt, as injustice. ~Charles Dickens

Marian Wright Edelman wrote an incredible piece about this tragedy earlier this week and I have not been able to think of much else since reading it.

But to end this roller coaster week on a positive note, I received the sweetest of birthday wishes from long time reader Meili:

Hope your joy today equals what you bring your readers every time you post one of your hilarious blog entries!!! I’m so glad you were born!

Meili, what a beautiful gift! I’ll take that over a dozen hot Krispy Kremes any day. But I think Charles Dickens said it best:

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else.

Thank you Meili, and all the friends I’ve made on the Interwebs, who make me feel so special and ease my burden daily with friendship, laughter, and love.

your older (and hopefully wiser) friend,



  1. Farrah

    You are a fun-nay lady. Unfortunately Miss Hot House Talkn’ scared me out of watching the dancing vids which leaves me very distressed. I got the black screen, then the blue screen of death not once- but BOTH times I tried to watch her link. So, although I am dedicated and willing to trash my laptop just to watch the hilarity- I think I should refrain. I can only imagine the good times y’all are having.

    Happy birthday! I hope that 42 looks half as good on me as it does on you!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh geez, that’s not good! Did you get that black/blue screen on MY blog when trying to click on the link to HouseTalkN? I want to make sure I have the right link up there! 🙁

      • Farrah

        No- she gave me 2 links to try, but scary stuff was going down regardless. She had a bunch of other comments on her FB post with it- so they all got it but I did not. I think it is just something glitchy with my comp. Bastard.

  2. Carrie

    I’m a straight up lame ass.

    I didn’t wish you a happy birthday. I am so, so sorry.

    I kinda have a good excuse though. In celebration of YOUR big day…I HAD A DATE.

    Hellz yes I did!! And then a second date the next night. And another one this weekend. AND WITH THE SAME MAN AT THAT!

    So, please forgive me for missing your birthday…please.

    And please stop making me love YOU so much. It makes it hard to spread it all around and sister, I gots some love to give. I can’t be letting you hog it all.

    And I don’t care what rank you are on some list (though I did vote and vote and vote)…you’ll always be MY #1 favorite funny mom. And in my heart is where it counts for me.

    I love you, Iris Beard. Happy birthday, my sweet friend. My life would only be better if we lived closer.

    • NanaBread (Jeanne)

      If Carrie’s a lame ass, I’m an uuber lame ass. Happy belated birthday, Iris! If we still had Krispy Kreme donuts in Houston, I’d have one in honor of your big day. Damn those KK execs for pulling the Houston stores over a dispute with one guy. Damn them to H-E-doublehockeysticks! Despite all that, I hope you had a wonderful day. And if things work out with Carrie’s new mystery man, maybe you’ll get a bridesmaid gig outta this, as well. Five bucks says she’ll let you wear that hot pantsuit. WINNING!

      • Carrie

        Oh, Lord…should there EVER be wedding bells in my future with ANY man, that pant suit will be doing the Watusi up the aisle.

        FO SHO.

    • Kristy

      WOOHOO You SASSY thang YOU!!! Congrats Carrie!! Can’t wait to hear ALLLLL about Mr. Townlake 😉 assuming that’s who ya went with~

      • Kristy

        And for the record, my dear sweet friends…. I, Kristy Broussard, hold the title of “LAMEST ASS FRIEND EVAA” award right now because it is now not one, but TWO days past our dear sweet Iris’s 42nd birthday and I am JUST now wishing her THE MOST JOY AND HAPPINESS LIFE HAS TO OFFER her! Iris, Happy HAPPY belated birthday! You make me smile EVERY. SINGLE. DAY… and what a gift that I can only hope to one day give you 😉

        Missing you all and loving you still…
        me 🙂

  3. Kerstin

    1. I love your blog
    2. I have never been a bridesmaid either, but I’m on husband #3, can any of this be converted, like #1 and #2 being a bride counting as one time of being a bridesmaid?
    3. If I ever look for husband #4 you can totally be my bridesmaid (and I might be if he buys another 60 levels of the Park Mania app for his iphone)
    4. You dance vlog was easily one of the funniest things ever (Kerry’s was pretty awesome as well)
    5. I love your blog

  4. Anna

    I’m so sorry I missed it yesterday – Happy Birthday!!! I also love your blog, you always bring a smile to my face and congrats on your making the finals for the Top Funniest Moms, very well deserved! I’ve never been a bridesmaid either but I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. Don’t they usually have to wear some pretty horrible dresses? Sometimes what we don’t have is a blessing. Lastly, the Trayvon Martin murder in Florida has been on weighing heavily on me this week as well. The fact that people are outraged, standing up and speaking out about it is a good sign though. If life just went on as usual with little said or felt, then we have bigger problems.

    Again, Happy Birthday! Have an awesome birthday weekend and thank you for all the smiles you’ve brought to the web!

  5. Melissa

    Happy birthday, and congratulations Iris!!! (I clicked you a bunch of times, just to let you know. If anyone’s counting. 😛 )

  6. Jill

    Happy Birthday!! I hope the Krispy Kreme didn’t send you into a downward sugar/crack spiral like it does me.

    I have never been a bridesmaid either. I was a junior bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding but that doesn’t count because she had to include me.

    I am also glad that someone else has manic/depressive weeks. It makes me feel normal.

    Finally, CONGRATULATIONS on the top 25 funniest blog spot. You totally deserve it. You are always there to make me laugh so hard I pee my pant and can’t breathe.

  7. L. Hewitt

    Happy Birthday Iris!. Late (damn facebook) Congratulations on #5. Gurl I voted my ass off for you. You deserve it and a book deal. Something (Bill Gates) must be wrong with the interenet (Al Gore), I looked for a post from you all day (o.k. twice) yesterday about your win and I couldn’t find you and I got all worried and here you are at the K.K. and the O.G. rockin out your birthday, with your beautiful family. Proud for you.


  8. Jessica O'Neill

    Well, I’m late to the ‘bridesmaid’ party…but ME NEITHER Sistah! Never! Not once have I been a bridesmaid! I try to make myself feel better about it, since the dresses are always so bad, but it’s just a front. Inside, I’m destroyed. Iffin The Man ever pops the question, I promise I’ll ask you to be a BM. And you KNOW this Irish-Catholic will have an open bar, so you best say yes!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Holy CRAP – I never made the connection before that the abbreviation for bridesmaid is BM!!! How perfect is that?! Now I don’t feel so bad that I’ve never been a BM.

      • Jessica O'Neill

        Oh yes…I worked in a boutique wedding salon to pay for my study abroad last summer and when I started I was all confused about all the ‘BM style # blahblahblah’ orders…then it hit me BridesMaid. duh. Though it’s often hilariously apropos to both the girl and the dress. Mothers of the Bride are MOBs and you guessed it Mothers of the Groom are MOGs. One day you’ll get to be both…LOL! And you can rock that pantsuit at your kids’ weddings!

  9. Terrie

    Was the Roswell Road Krispy Kreme store flashing their “HOT DAY-UM DONUTS!” sign when y’all went in? Because that particular sign can give me the vapors! Dearest Iris ~ if it were your birthday and you had been a student in my classroom, I would have treated you to my special rendition of singing the “Happy Birthday” song. Backwards. Phonetically. While standing on my head, if I was really in a Friday mood. All things Bucket Head can probably do in his sleep…the little genius. Next year we will throw you a surprise party and all wear our ugliest bridesmaids’ dresses ever. You can either wear (1) an outfit from 1970, or (2) the infamous poly-pantsuit, if it is still alive.

  10. Kate

    You are a ray of sunshine in my life whenever I read a post by you…

  11. Rachel Fruitloop

    Iris, Happy Belated Birthday! I meant to send you a birthday tweet, but I didn’t want to seem like I’m cyber-stalking you! But I was thinking of you, girl! Glad you celebrated in style with the Krispy Kremes!

    I have also never been a bridesmaid. Could be because for many years I would have wanted to dye my hair to match the dress… My hubs and I have talked about renewing our vows here in England, (since we got married in California and many of our Brit friends and hubby’s family didn’t attend), so if we do I’d love for you to be my bridesmaid if you and your pantsuit are in London at the right time.That would be awesome! I’ll keep you posted.

    You’re the funniest, Iris! Thanks for brightening my days!

  12. HouseTalkN

    When I was working on the Ellen dance dare, a group of young, African American men (several wearing the frightening hoodie) joined the fun and I couldn’t help thinking of Treyvon’s family. It is heartbreaking.

  13. Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    You are more tasty than a Krispy Kreme, Lady, Happy Birthday! Welcome to the 42 club.
    BTW, I am a professional bridesmaid. My resume is long and my dresses are itchy. I have one fabulous hunter green polyester number that was only outshone by the white fricking 8 inch poinsettia bloom in my hair. Oh yes. So if you want pointers when you inevitably get asked to be one, I’m here for you. 😉
    I loved the gamut of your round-up post and your use of Mr. Dickens. Ellen

  14. Liza Martz

    Happy belated, Iris. I will remember next year since you share the special day with my own sweet pater. *spank-spank* *smoooch* *hug*

  15. tracy@sellabitmum

    I’ve never been a bridesmaid either. We need some very sad club or something. Maybe we can just all go buy ugly dresses together?

  16. Naptimewriting

    This is what kills me about blogging (and being alive): the joy, the funny, the tears, the funny, the tears. And you can’t wallow in one or the other because ups and down come faster than dirty dishes in a house full of kids.

    Devastated about Trayvon. Happy birthday! Love Dickens. Glad my vote counted on the funniest mom poll. Don’t want to raise kids in a world where people murder other people because they’re ignorant. Yay for doughnuts!

    See? Weird. Unsettling. Human, I guess. Makes me wonder about robots.

    Great. Now I’m thinking about robots. Thanks so very much. That’s going to be useful in my day.

  17. Kathleen

    Happy Belated Birthday!

    You know, I’ve been tempted, since reading your post about not being a bridesmaid, to divorce my husband and make him marry me again just so I can invite you to be a bridesmaid! I wonder if he’d actually go for it?

    Anyways, I’m gonna go… I have a serious hankering for some Kripy Kreme now and must satiate this hunger=)

  18. Melly

    Iris, I love you. I just ate a sleeve of Thin Mints, so I’m sure your dance moves are far superior to mine……

  19. Rachel

    Happy Belated Birthday! I share a birthday with you, though you are the awesome 42 (the answer to life, the universe, and everything) and I’m only 41. Le sigh.

    I’m very jealous of the Krispy Kremes – they pulled out of Dunkin’ Donuts territory, and I miss them.

    I’ve been a bridesmaid twice – but once for my mom and once for my step-sister-in-law who had everyone she ever knew as a bridesmaid. She was lucky my step-brothers only have 2 sisters, or she wouldn’t have had enough space on the stand.

  20. Leighann

    One of my bridesmaids dropped out… how do you feel about canada.

    • The Bearded Iris

      SHUT UP! Almost all of my comedy heroes are Canucks! I swear there is something in the water up there that makes you people funny. Can I ride in on a horse like Dudley Do Right? Should I wear a bear skin shawl?

  21. Kristin @ What She Said

    So, I’ve been getting a ton of hits from your blog and I just realized why – thanks for the mention! Sorry – I’m a little slow on the uptake.

    And I’m your blog crush??? ::Swoon!::

  22. Kristin @ What She Said

    OK, so I just came back and read this again because I only had time to skim over it last night and I just realized that I also missed your birthday. Gosh… I’m not much of a bloggy crush, am I?

    So, happy belated birthday, Iris! And I cannot agree more with you about the Trayvon Martin case. You summed it up perfectly: Self-defense, my ass! (Or your booty-shaking ass. Whichever.)

  23. KC

    Happy belated birthday Iris. You are so obviously one of the 25 funniest mom bloggers (well, duh!) but you are also one of the most humane. Kisses to you from the south XXX

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