A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

I put the FREAK in freak accidents!

I’m no stranger to freak accidents.

When I was 10 I actually fell through a rotten wooden picnic table at a birthday party and broke my arm.

One time when I was in high school, my cousin Matt high-fived me a little too enthusiastically and broke one of my fingers.

I once attempted to catch an open tin can that I had accidentally knocked off the counter. That so’mbitch cut my hand open so wide I could see the bone.

And perhaps you recall the time I tried to pet a snapping turtle. (Doy-yoy-yoy.)

Well, I may have topped my record for stupidest accident this week. And that’s why I haven’t been around much, in case you noticed. (And if you noticed, thank you!)

But let’s start with a riddle to make it more fun! What do you get when you combine a 42 year old deeply sleeping woman, a vivid nightmare about forgetting to turn off the oven, and a hard linoleum bathroom floor?


Yep. That’s me…in the ER Thursday afternoon.

Apparently I got dizzy when I jumped out of bed too fast at 3 AM Thursday morning to turn off the oven (in my dream) and then I fainted in the bathroom and landed FACE FIRST on the floor.

My sweet husband (already awake from me screaming “Oh my God! I forgot to turn off the oven!”) heard the thump and came running only to find me lying face down like a rag doll on the bathroom floor. I remember hearing him try to rouse me with “Are you okay?! Can you hear me?” and then he manhandled my limp body back to the bed. Unfortunately, he probably did more damage trying to hoist my dead-weight ass off the floor than I did landing smack on my kisser, because my neck and back are even more sore than my bruised and battered punim* today.

But the scariest part? When he picked my unresponsive body off the floor and I slowly “came to,” I was completely blind. I couldn’t even tell that there were lights on in the room. And the blindness lasted for about 3 minutes. Without a doubt, it was the single most frightening experience of my life. Even more frightening than that time I accidentally saw my grandma naked. {shudder}

Yeah, we probably should have called an ambulance, but it was 3 AM and all three of my kids were sound asleep. Plus, there was no way in hell I was going to let my neighbors see me being carried away on a gurney in my BITE ME (Primanti Brothers) t-shirt with a mangled face shouting “HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” Like I’d give anyone that kind of gift. Sorry, I’m just not that generous.

So I did what my Dad told me to do the first time I fractured my arm when I was 7 after I rode my bike into a parked car, and I “shook it off.” I took 4 Advil, put an icepack on my pie hole, and cried myself to sleep wondering what the hell was wrong with me that I would pass out like that. (If you’re playing along at home, you know I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in 5 weeks.)

Are you with me so far?

When I woke up a few hours later I was sore, foggy headed, and worried. My husband took the day off and drove me to my doctor. She did a bunch of neurological tests and an EKG. Everything looked good. But she was really concerned about me temporarily losing the sight in both of my eyes, so she sent me to the Emergency Room for some more tests.

Yada yada yada, a quick stop at a drive-thru for a spicy chicken sandwich, and then next thing I knew I was hooked up to an IV with my head in a tube for a CT Scan.

Luckily for me, my husband does a great Arnold Schwarzenegger impression from the movie Kindergarten Cop: “It’s not a tumor.” Because seriously, I was so sure that the doctor was going to come back and tell me I had a growth the size of a honey dew melon that I was pretty darn scared.

But guess what?!

It’s not a tumor. 

My fainting was caused by mild dehydration, my extraordinarily low blood pressure, and standing up too fast.

So the good news is that I’m fine.

Well, as fine as one can be with a black eye, a fat lip, a sore shoulder, and a stiff neck.

You do not even want to know what kind of looks I was getting at the preschool Easter Egg hunt yesterday.

And my daughter went to school and told her teacher, the Room Mom, and her track coaches that I fell in the middle of the night and hit my head, so you know those Nosy Nellies are all “Glug-glug, wink-wink!”

Honestly, my pride hurts more than my face.

And so that’s where I’ve been the last few days.

Don’t worry, I have a check up scheduled for next week and have been religiously keeping myself hydrated since I got home from the hospital.

Now please tell me you have some kind of asinine freak accident story to share so I don’t feel like such a dork.


*Punim is Yiddish for “face.” Get your mind out of the gutter.


  1. Eddie - The Usual Mayhem

    Oh, no! That’s awful and inappropriately hilarious all at the same time!

    My dad once passed out in the bathroom when he had the flu, got wedged between the wall and the toilet, and detached his retina. He’s never lived it down.

  2. Susan

    Sheesh, lady! I have some random, freaky accidents, but this one is crazy! Hope you’re feeling better soon, and I hope that since you had a bunch of tests, you’re not as worried. I once lost complete vision in one eye after being dehydrated and having a headache (from the dehydration)…they called it an “ocular migraine” and that was the final guess after a similar battery of tests. Good news? It never happened again. I hope that this was an isolated random freak accident, and do us all a favor and don’t try to top yourself! You need to be on your best for the Dance Off!

    Feel better!

  3. TishM

    OMG!! So glad you are okay. PHEW! Now, excuse me while I go get myself a BIG glass of water. (and yes, we DID miss you) <3

  4. Selena

    I love your writing style! And that you stopped for a spicy chicken sandwich on the way to the ER. HAHAHAHAHA! Fantastic.

    I wish I had a good freak accident story to share. I tend to be insanely overly cautious (I don’t wear heels because of an unreasonable phobia of getting one stuck in a crack and breaking my ankle – even low ones), but I have managed to fall on my ass slipping on ice in front of my ENTIRE workplace during a staff training workshop. That was awesome.

  5. Lisa

    Poor Iris! I’m so sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you’re ok! Just so you know, I, too, fainted once and had temporary blindness when I came to. It lasted about a minute or two, and a sip of water is what brought my sight back immediately. Here’s the best part: I was 5 months pregnant and standing in line at the post office for nearly an hour to mail Christmas presents. I was hungry, hot, and miserable, and I fainted when I was the next person in line! They all jumped into action and helped me, and all I could think is why the hell couldn’t I have fainted an hour earlier at the back of the line to get faster service?!

  6. Life Lessons

    Girlfriend! WTF?! Yes you DO call an ambulance when you pass out and then wake up all blind ‘n stuff. Or you call your dear friends for help.

  7. Lara

    Why do you make me laugh at you?! This is a scary scenario – but you make it hilarious!!! Glad you don’t have a tumor!

  8. Tara

    I did a cartwheel at a slumber party when I was younger and landed on their coffee table and broke my toe. Was actually on crutches! And someone once made me laugh so hard I pee’d my pants. It was before kids ruined my bladder and I wasn’t drunk either. Just in the middle of no where with no bathrooms and no where to run! That was absolutely my more embarassing moment. I think it made it to the yearbook too. That’s why I’m not facebook friends with anyone from high school.

  9. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    Good Lord and I sent you a tweet asking if you were occupied with shopping for bridesmaids dresses. So you are one of those people. You know the kind that if you don’t hear from them for a few days you should start calling the ERs. Glad you are okayish. So have you gotten that thyroid checked yet? It’s not necessarily part of a standard ER blood panel. Ellen

  10. Rootietoot

    Oh gosh! I am glad it’s not serious! When I was younger, I had incredibly low blood pressure (as in “how are you still conscious?”) and would get woozy and walk into things. At one point, my sweet and very gentle husband asked me to please wear long pants and long sleeved shirts, because he was pretty sure people would think he beat me. When someone asked, and I answered “I walked into a door” it was really true. The worst part was the sympathetic looks and finding phone numbers for domestic abuse hotlines tucked into my purse. I know they meant well. Sigh. Make up a really good story about what happened to you, one that starts with “you should see the other guy!”

  11. Amy

    Oh Iris, I’m sorry you had to suffer so much to give us so many laughs. Someday everyone will be jealous of your low blood pressure. If it makes you feel any better, I once stabbed myself using a knife to pare down a wine cork that wouldn’t fit back into the bottle. That’s how important it was to save the wine. 8 stitches.

  12. Melissa Gilbert

    Yikes, Iris! I hope you feel better soon!

    I have two freak accident stories for you.
    The second one is pretty gross, so read with caution!

    When I was 8, I was riding my bicycle down the street while my mom, who was 9 months pregnant, sat on our porch at the top of the street and kept an eye on me. We lived on a hill because, well, it was Kentucky, and there are mountains there. 🙂 I got going a little too fast down the hill, hit a boulder (ok, it was small little rock from someone’s driveway) and flipped my bicycle over the top of me. I lost my two front teeth and had to get caps on them and scraped up my face pretty good. My mom was running (read: waddling) down the street to fetch her broken little birdie. The neighborhood kids all came out and we got me back up the street and patched up. Someone even brought home the scratched up bicycle that I never rode again. I turned out ok and don’t have to ever worry about my two front teeth getting yellow!

    Fast forward about 10 years. I am in college and still living at home. I hadn’t had a single bad accident since the bike thing. No broken bones (except a few toes but those don’t count) and definitely no stitches. It was about the middle of the day and I was grabbing a quick shower. My parents had (yes, had… it had to be remodeled after my “accident”) this pretty tile shower with a built in ceramic soap dish holder thingy. I turned off the water and somehow slipped in the shower. I hit the soap dish thingy with my ass on the way down and tried to catch myself with my left hand. Well, the hand ended up under the jagged (heavy as a watermelon on a hot summer day) soap dish thingy. I whacked my head on the tub and may have momentarily passed out. That part is a little fuzzy. I know I took out the shower curtain in the process. I came to and looked at my hand. It didn’t hurt, but it there was about an inch wide gap of missing skin and it was bent at an odd angle, like it might fall off. I searched all over the place for the skin, but when I couldn’t find it, I realized it didn’t come off, it was just sliced open and falling off my hand. I started screaming and ran next door to find help (wearing very little…) I realized I had almost cut off my thumb. I freaked. I still shudder when I see the scar. It took about 10 stitches inside my thumb and about 15 on the outside to get my thumb back on. Of course, I am left handed, so at least it got me out of handwriting assignments in college for about 2 months while it healed!

    Your friend in freakdom,

  13. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    Just typed a witty-ish comment but I’m doing from my phone and I’m not sure it took. 1. Did notice you were gone, but thought you were shopping for bridesmaids dresses. 2. Did you get that thyroid checked because it is not always part of a standard ER blood panel? 3. Glad you are okay-ish. Ellen

  14. Peg D

    Sh!t happens, no need to feel like a dork. Leave it to you to make something so frightening so humorous. I am so glad that you are OK.
    I am going to give you some unsolicited medical advice. Advil has a BLOOD THINNING effect. It was not the smartest thing to take 4 of them after a head injury. I do hope your doctor mentioned this to you.
    I am sure you have gotten advice from everyone about how you should have handled the incident, and you are probably sick of hearing it by now, but I do really want to you be safe, happy and healthy. You bring so much joy to my world.
    I am not really prone to freak accidents, thank God, but I have done some really stupid things that I wish I could take back.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh God, Peg – YIKES! No, nobody had mentioned this, but I probably forgot to tell them that I took the Advil. I’m pretty sure we did everything wrong in this situation…not calling 911, the Advil, going back to sleep, the spicy chicken sandwich, etc. Oh the shame!

      I’m pretty good with dealing with other people’s boo-boos as I was an EMT in high school, but that was a LONG time ago, and I was pretty panicky about losing my vision. I hope there won’t be a next time because I’m trying to take better care of myself, but if there is: NO ADVIL! I promise! Thanks Peg!

  15. Jill

    So glad that you didn’t end up with massive brain trauma from smacking your head! You are back and funnier than ever! You made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe and I felt bad for a nano-second until I realized if I had done that and you were there, you would have videotaped it. Tell your husband to have the camera ready next time.

    I do have freak accidents too, suffice it to say things that move fast, like skies, motorcycles, skates and I don’t mix. Of and there are all my allergic reactions (my husband has photos) which leave me puffy beyond recognition, covered in hives and red all over. Lovely.

  16. Monica

    Oh Iris! I’m so glad you’re back and okay! I’m right there with ya as being a freak in freak accidents! When I was 5 I slipped in my mom’s bathtub and busted my chin wide open, then at 13 I fell while rollerblading and broke my tailbone in half (then had to spend the entire summer on a donut pillow…utterly embarrasing at 13!). At 17 I was at father daughter day in high school and somehow twisted my ankle in the POTATO SACK RELAY! Of course the high school had EMS there as a precaution and they were so beyond thrilled that they had someone to tend to. So they put me on a gurney and the whole ordeal just for a twisted ankle! Oh and not to mention that in college I fell flat on my face in front of about a 1,000 person class (no exaggeration). So don’t worry hon. I’m right there with ya! Glad to have you back! Here’s a toast (with a big glass of water) to those of us that “keep life exciting”!

  17. Kat1e

    Well, I’m glad you are mostly ok! I hope you feel 1000% sure (and yes, I know that’s not a real thing).
    My most recent freak accident story (I have several too, but none of them quite this serious – no tumor scares) involves an auto-closing door in our house. I was opening it and somehow caught it on my bare toe and managed so slam it on myself / hit myself in the face with a door. There was NO way I was going to work the next day with the “I walked into a door” story, so I ran for the freezer and iced 12 mins. on/12 mins. off for like 4 cycles using an egg timer to keep the bruising to a minimum. My poor TH just heard a thud, a curse word, running feet and then me setting the egg timer. and I think only then did I explain that I hit myself in the face with a door. At some point, I did it a second time and he decided to uninstall the auto-closing mechanism with the thought “Someone is going to get hurt.” I think we all know who he was thinking of.
    Glad you are back. 🙂

    • Kat1e

      oops. I hope you feel 1000% SOON! 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      I had never heard the 12 mins. on/12 mins. off icing schedule! GOOD TO KNOW!! Thanks Katie!

  18. Marsha Owens

    Holy crap! That was hilarious and scary all at the same time and I am glad you are okay!

    I have no stories involving freak accidents for myself, however my brother was the king of them as a child and I swear my parents were on a first name basis with the staff in the ER. He once slipped and fell down a rocky hill when he was out flying RC planes with my dad and oldest brother. Funny thing was he only scraped up one side of his face and body; the other half looked perfectly fine. I so wish my parents had taken a photo! Another time he ran into a cactus and our uncle spent hours picking cactus spines out of him. He got hit by a car once while riding his bike. And the worst of all was the time we were in a store similar to K-Mart (this was early 70’s, so the store isn’t even around anymore) and in the garden section was a hedge trimmer on display but IT WAS PLUGGED IN!!! And guess who nearly severed about 3 fingers off his hand? Whoever the doctor was that stitched his fingers back on did an awesome job because there aren’t even any visible scars! I just think about the whole liability issue and if my parents had been the sue happy type they probably would have scored a mint for that store’s negligence. They got off lucky because I don’t think my parents even pursued the issue of them covering the medical bills!

  19. Robin

    I was wondering what happened to you! Glad you are OK!

  20. Kathleen

    I have one freak accident to tell you about, but it wasn’t MY freak accident… It was my sister’s and the reasons behind it are kinda awesome.

    I was still in high school and my sister had moved back home to help my dad out with me. She stayed in her own room, but, being just out of college, she decided that a loft bed was the way to go. One night, I wake up to hear her holloring “Get away from me!” over and over again. I run down to her room and see her thrashing around on the floor, our dog sniffing at her ankle. Somehow, she had fallen out of her loft and done a pretty bang up job of shattering her ankle. (The morphine made her absolutely hilarious the next day). She has surgery to fix it all, comes home a couple of days later, and is laid up in bed for the next couple of weeks. I finally get the chance to ask her how she fell out of bed.

    “I was dreaming I was Buffy and doing this great roundhouse kick to a vampire’s head.”

    As for me and freak accidents, they all relate to me taking out trash. The first is the back door slamming on my elbow on a windy day, giving me cubital tunnel syndrome (like carpel tunnel, only of the elbow). The next is just a few weeks ago, I go to push the trash bags down in the trash can and hyper-extended my thumb… the wrong way. I didn’t go to the doctor for it and I’m now paying for it by limited use of said thumb making all tasks extremely difficult… Who knew thumbs were used so much throughout the day?

    • Carla

      I have a trashcan-related one too! I was taking the trash to the curb (it was ridiculously heavy) on the day my mother was driving to Tennessee from Georgia to return my children to me after a week’s vacay with the grandparents. I tripped, and fell, and the trashcan LANDED ON ME, with only my head and one arm not pinned under the darn thing! I lived on a rural road, so no cars. A tractor drove by, I waved frantically for him to help me, he waved back and kept going. After 45 minutes or so, Tractor Man returned and lifted the can off me. He said he wondered why I was under a trash can while he was plowing the top field, and thought he’d come back by to check on me. No serious injuries, although I was bruised and all my extremities were dead asleep and I couldn’t stand for a good 15 minutes while I endured those awful pins and needles. All I could think of the entire time I was under there was that my mother was going to notice that I hadn’t mopped the kitchen floor when she arrived!

    • Ash

      I had an accident where I was moving a large empty recycle bin. I had opened the lid to see if anything was in it and when there wasn’t I proceeded to push the bin with the lid open toward the porch. The only problem with this is the can in nearly as tall as me and when I tilted the can to push it the lid ended up dragging on the ground in front of me. I stepped on it and pulled the can to the ground while I tumbled face first into it. Fortunately the only injury I incurred was a deep bruise accross my thigh where it had landed on the lip of the lid.

  21. Kathleen

    PS – I’m glad to hear you’re okay!

  22. Kristen K

    Bitch… You’ll do anything for a blog post idea.

    Or attention.

    I am so glad you are ok. That shit is scary. I’ve had too many freak accidents to mention…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! TRUE DAT, bitch. Honestly, when God closes a door, He opens a linoleum floor. And thank goodness, because my kids have been so effing boring lately!

  23. Angie L.

    OMG I am glad you are OK. Now you have even more reason to remove that hard linoleum flooring. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you while you recover. My kids are all out of town for Spring Break so I have LOTS of free time. 🙂 You should probably consider some sort of head gear while sleeping. You know, just in case you have another freaky dream. Better safe than sorry. 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! Angie, I should probably wear a helmet 24/7. 🙂

      I think the porcelain tile I’m planning for would be even harder than the linoleum, so yeah, I think a helmet with a mouth guard is a good idea.

      Hold up, are you trying to tell me that one of the side benefits of divorce is that you get WEEKS to yourself throughout the year? Get my lawyer on the phone.

  24. HouseTalkN

    IRIS! Fess up. You were sneaking your forbidden juice in the bathroom at 3am, got buzzed and passed out. Recovery starts with honesty, friend.

  25. Carrie

    You are DYING to get me up there to hold your hand and slap on lipgloss for visitors…I knew it.

    Just call. You don’t need to go through all this crap. Just friggin call next time.

    And shit. Am I glad you’re ok. I seriously did wonder where you were this week and I started to email but figured it was probably Bucket Head’s spring break and ya’ll were off harassing people and stuff. Now I wish I would have emailed.

    Not that you would have been able to respond though. Because well…you get it.

    Please don’t go doing this stuff on a regular basis. I’m too far too get there quick.

    And yes. I did the same thing once. I was 26 and a hairstylist. Walked away from a client in the chair and BOOM woke up with the whole damn salon fanning me and poking me in the shoulder on the floor. Still holding my thinning shears.

    It was low blood sugar. And jackassedness.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Carrie honey, you were the FIRST person I thought of when I was laid up in that bed wearing that awful hospital gown and NO LIPGLOSS. You better email me your cell phone number so I can text you next time.

      Oh thank God you didn’t land with those thinning shears in your eyeball! HOLY CRAP! But now I know why you have such cute hair.

  26. Hollow Tree Ventures

    I’m so sorry about how hard I laughed at that… I don’t think we’ve had any injuries quite that zany, though I’m sure if we did there’s NO WAY we’d get the kids out of bed unless the fainting was caused by massive blood loss. I work too hard to get them all to sleep at the same time to ruin it just for the sake of my eyesight and facial structure.

    • The Bearded Iris

      EXACTLY! Thank you.

      And if there WAS massive blood loss, double hell-to-the-no! The last thing I’d need is to deal with their tears and vomiting. None of my kids can handle gore. Wussies.

  27. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    I am glad you are OK. It is not good to get dehydrated you need to drink your water.
    We all send you goat hugs

  28. Rosemamie

    On my 30th birthday I threw myself a party because no one else would (haha..Yeah, I’m popular) and had family over during the day for a cookout (I’m a June baby) then friends at night to get crunky crunk. Family had just left and I was holding my first frosty, cold beverage of the night when a friend complained of headache and I offered to get him some Excedrin. (Said friend went on to become hubby….yes, he felt THAT guilty 😉 I fell UP the freaking concrete stairs, dropped my beer then fell on it arm and hand first. 25 stitches in my left hand, 75 stitches in my right arm. Blood everywhere. When paramedics arrived (because everyone ELSE was freaking crunk!) I had to endure lots of looks and winks because I was sitting in the middle of my kitchen with a happy birthday tiara on my head, a ton of flower leis around my neck and a fugly, flower print wrap tied around my waist as a skirt. Yup, I was perty. Then I had to explain to them that I hadn’t had a drop to drink. Uh huh….you can imagine how well that went over. I hope you are feeling better….just know there are fellow freak accident sister out here with stories to tell!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, best pre-dating story ever! Note to my single sisters…GUILT works. 😉 Thanks for being a fellow-freak accident sister!

  29. Lisat

    OMG. that is soooo scary and soooo funny (the pictures). Glad you’re okay now. My sister in law also fainted in the bathroom after getting out of bed too fast, and smack her face on the floor. She looked pretty beat up for a while. I sprained my foot in my backyard and was on crutches for a few days but it was terrible timing because it was right before we were moving so then I was pretty useless. I was wearing flip flops and the flop part of the flip got stuck in a hole the dog had dug (it was dark out so I couldn’t see). The shoe stuck while my foot kept moving and yikes, I thought I was going to throw up. I told strangers it happened in the running part of a triathlon.

  30. Anne

    Glad you’re okay Iris!

  31. Colleen

    Yikes, so glad you’re OK!!!!
    “my” freak-ass accident story isn’t mine, thankfully. My childhood friend and I were riding bikes down “the big hill” in the town where we grew up, with a build up and a little bit of breeze at your back you could get up to 90 miles an hour—or so it felt at that age! We were about halfway down the 3 block thrill ride when a HUGE june bug (we’re talking mutant-escaped-lab-experiment-work-with-futuristic-steriods june bug). It hit her right where a uni-brow would complete it’s union (not that she had one, and to this day probably is unable to grow one due to that bug permenantly destroying any functioning hair follicles in that area). Needless to say, she lost control of that pretty yellow John Deere floral banana seated bike. The front wheel did an impressive warp-speed tennis match-like back and forth maneuver for at least a half block while inching towards the edge of the road. Eventually she and the bike rolled ass over teacup in a manner never illustrated by Hanna-Barbara, Warner Brothers or any other leading animated studio on their best day. The 2 tumbled like those cartoons where the snowball starts small and picks up items as it proceeds down the hill and ends with a bowling alley sound effect at the bottom of the slope. Except stuff flew out of that rolling mess, both of her sandals for starters.
    Mr Toad’s Wild Ride ended with her face down in the ditch and the bike in a heap against a parked car (probably a woodie station wagon–it would totally fit the era). Nothing broken (except her pride), but cuts, bruises and scrapes that would totally spark a CPS investigation in today’s world. Oh, and a 50 cent piece sized bright red mark right between the headlights that lasted for weeks.
    Thanks for the laugh in making me dredge up the memory of my girlfriends unfortunate trip down “the big hill” circa 1978…..

    • The Bearded Iris

      HILARIOUS, Colleen! Your vivid descriptions of the bug and the unibrow area had me riveted and chortling!

      I live in the south, so I have seen those mutant June bugs. Fun to tie a string to and fly like a motorized helicopter toy. Not fun to have fly into your face when you are going 90 mph down a hill! ZOINKS!!!

  32. Meechie

    I too am glad you are ok.
    So you don’t feel bad. I am an accident waiting to happen. I am in this controlled fall all the time. My embarrassing boo boo was in our garage. Our gas weed trimmer was hanging on the wall above my head. I tried to get it down and like a pendulum it swung down cracking me in the forehead with the ENGINE side. I had a huge gash that bled like a pig…..so much so that my husband thought my eye was missing from my skull and my second oldest threw up all over the place.
    What could be worse? How about them not cleaning the wound enough and sewing motor oil in my forehead? Yup. I had a scar full of motor oil. For months I had people tell me that I had “something” smeared on my forehead. I had to go to a plastic surgeon to have it cut open again and go through it all over….again.
    Be proud that you are so protective of your family and their safety….even in your sleep! You are a good mama!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh. Ma. GAW. That is horrifying! You poor thing! I hope it is all better now and motor-oil free. On the bright side, maybe you’ll never need Botox.

      Thanks for the props on my mama-bear instincts!

  33. SassyNATL

    That’s so scary — I’m glad you’re doing okay!

    Two nights before last Thanksgiving, I fell asleep on my sofa and woke up in the middle of the night (the sleep was also non-alcohol-induced!). I got up and proceeded to slam my foot into the leg of a chair we had moved to accommodate our pending Christmas decorations. Turned out I broke my middle toe almost in two, and bruised up the toes on either side of it. At least it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OW!!! I’ve done that, well a tamer version of that…only one toe. Hurts like a MOFO! Great timing on your part though to do it right before Thanksgiving. I’mma have to remember that for next year. 😉

  34. Alyssa

    You poor thing! Bless your heart! 😉 Seriously, I’m glad everything checked out okay. Your pride will definitely make a recovery as well, it just takes some time. 🙂

    When I was at the only family *reunion* my mother’s side of the family has had, I must have been about 8 years old, my cousins and I decided to have a go at the swings. Now, mind you, it had rained the day before and there were standing puddles of muddy water under the swings. We thought it would be *cool* to try and swing over them, seeing who could come the closest to touching them while leaning alllll the way back in the swing. Imagine planking on a swing, if you will. Of course, I had to top everyone, and while swinging wildly and leaning back as far as I could, I flipped backwards out of the swing in to the huge mud puddle below me. Yeah, I showed them. Ugh!

    Of course, when you’re this old, Mommy doesn’t bring a change of clothes everywhere you go because you *should* know better at that age. I had to suffer through the rest of the reunion picnic in my mud covered clothing and crusty, smelly hair. Napkins only go so far when trying to clean up this sort of a mess.

    There are countless other stories of clumsiness that would slay you, but I’ll leave that for another day when you need a good laugh 🙂 Feel better, and don’t forget to hydrate for God’s sake! (my husband has some weird obsession with hydration…according to him, it’s the cure for anything that ails you. I don’t buy it, but it sounds good)

    • The Bearded Iris

      1.) The intake nurse at the ER told me “Bless your heart!” when I told her this all started with a nightmare about the oven. I wanted to slug her. I was *this close* to saying, “Listen, bitch. I know that’s Southern secret code for ‘You dumbass!’ Quit judging me and just do your damn job.” But I didn’t. I blame the closed head trauma and tumor scare.

      2.) I’m going to write a post about water next week, but sneak peak…your husband may be right! DRINK YOUR WATER!

  35. Rokkie

    Whoa! That’s, awful and I’m sorry to hear. However, good to see you can keep your humor even though you’re in pain. Glad it wasn’t worse! I’m super clumsy /accident prone (and have passed that onto my little Malfoy), but have never ended up in the hospital, somehow.

    One time I did injure and scare myself pretty good when I was pregnant the first time around. Husband and I were coming home after a long day / night of work (we worked together at a comedy club in the city, about a 2 hour train ride from home), at roughly 2 a.m. It was February or March, and below freezing. We were tired, and maneuvering over and around the icy patches, holding hands (because we’re cute like that). Suddenly, Husband was going down…and so was I. It was super quick, so there was no time to really react. All I knew was I heard a very loud SMACK and was seeing stars. What the hell, I literally was seeing stars! I honestly thought that was just a thing that cartoons did. (speaking of which, I’m not convinced I’m not a cartoon character. I slipped on a banana peel in front of said comedy club. Seriously. I thought it was the funniest shit ever.)

    Luckily we were only two doors from our house. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who heard my head hit the concrete. Husband said “that was your head!” or something to that effect. He helped me stand up, and we realized there was some damned black ice. *shakes fist at the sky* I go to take my first step, and nearly fall back down again, but this time Husband is ready. We get in the house, cursing the ice, the landlord of that home for not properly salting his walk, and the fact we couldn’t just go to bed. So to wrap up, I was fine, just had a nice Easter egg on my head, which my OB/GYN totally made fun of me for for weeks. Ta-da!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, you are cracking me up with your *shakes fist at the sky* move! I have also slipped on a banana peel and laughed hysterically at discovering that the cartoons are right! Banana peels are actually very slippery! And yes, seeing stars too. Who knew that Looney Toons were based in so much reality?!

      Sorry about your goose-egg, but glad your OB/GYN had something to tease you about that wasn’t related to your lady business.

  36. Jane

    I’m so glad you’re better-how scary though!
    I love to fall- not really but you’d never know by how easily I fall. Recently- running with the dog in the morning I tripped over nothing she kept running- I face first down in the middle of the street with my knee bleeding like crazy.
    Oh I also recently slid down on the sidewalk while in high heels, a dress, carrying my work bag, on a very busy street. Lovely sight I’m sure.
    Feel better Iris! Drink lots!

  37. fiveogrrl

    I’m glad you’re not dead. I am even more glad there were able to remove that electric toothbruch from your poop shute.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh, and thanks for letting me borrow your toothbrush. You’re a doll!

  38. K Law

    Wow that whole story sounds super SCARY to me! Glad to hear that you are ok now. Low blood pressure, you can’t really control that, unlike my MIL how can’t control her own two feet. There was the time she was walking across a street and literally tripped over a PAINTED line. She broke her wrist. Luckily, the cast came off just days before I married her son. Another time she was pulled off her front porch by her dog and broke her foot. She kicked/jammed her two smallest toes into a door frame and broke both toes while at my house. She has also broke toes while staying at her other son’s house. But the event that sticks in my head the most is the time she “thought” she saw a spider crawling on my daughter. She starts screaming at the top of lungs, tries to stand up from the sofa where she was sitting, stumbles, trips over her own feet. Then proceeds to fall over like a newly cut tree and smacks her face on the top of a baby gate. We never found or even saw a spider any where near my daughter. MIL ended up with a black eye.

  39. Karine

    Yeah, I was just saying to my hubby yesterday that it was weird you were MIA on your blog… Guess there was reason to wonder and worry. 🙁

    Glad that in the end you’re ok and, more importantly (obviously), that you’re back!

    Ouch! That sounds painful! And kinda scary. Can’t believe you went to the pre-school Easter Egg hunt. I think blacking out, hospital stay, fat lip and black eye sort of warrants a few days off, no? If Lent wasn’t done next week (eh, right?), I’d say that at the very least it gives you the right to a wine-day (1 day in 6 weeks, you earned it).

    Usually, I’m drunk when these weird things happen to me so I cant really feel them or care or remember. 🙂

    p.s: you look good in your hospital pics, most people would look like a harried scarecrow.

    • The Bearded Iris

      A-to-the-Men, sister. I definitely should have milked this more! Maybe I’ll have a relapse next time there is a school party I’m supposed to attend.

  40. Brianne

    So glad it was not a tumor!

    I am also your fellow sister in freakdom. While pregnant we were moving. Of course I carries nothing heavier than a pillow. However while carrying said pillow up our walk I caught my ankle on a chipmunk hole against the sidewalk and twisted my ankle. I wet down screaming and rolling around like a sack of potatoes hike hubs is yelling at me to get up bc the neighbors will think we are crazy!
    Well we ended up at the er. Ankle broken but thankfully the steeler were playing so we got to see the whole game instead of unpacking. And that’s why I love Pittsburgh hospitals.

  41. Lisa Hewitt

    Oh Lordy! I’m glad you are o.k. I am sorry I am laughing so hard.

  42. Cynthia

    Most of my accidents have been freak accidents.

    My one case of stiches was due to bending down to pick up a dropped roll of TP in the bathroom, then standing up and hitting my head on the open door of the medicine cabinet. Cut my head open. So fun to explain that in ER.

    Most recently:

    I have trouble with blood. I have very low blood pressure. I pass out easily. I pass out easily when I see blood.

    My 10 year old daughter was having a tooth pulled. I waited in the waiting room while the procedure was done and I could hear some sounds of distress of her. Not surprisingly, I felt extremely upset and, being me, increasingly faint. After the procedure, the dentist gave me instructions on post-tooth-extraction care. Crap, I’m feeling faint just recalling this. I started to feel really faint so I sat down while she spoke to me. Then I fainted, pitching forward and falling on my head on the tile floor.

    They called 911. I came to and begged them to rescind the call. They should not, of course, have listened to me.

    I assured them I’d be all right then left with my mortified daughter, her mouth full of gauze.
    We went out to the car and I told her I needed to sit a minute before driving. I put the seat back and apparently passed out again. I came to – again – and told my daughter, okay just give me a minute and I’ll drive us home. She said, through the gauze, NO. Then she got out of the car and stood on the sidewalk and said she refused to drive with me and that I should call my boyfriend. I called him. He came and got her and drove her home. In the past, he went to medical school, though he doesn’t practice. (Complicated story and has nothing to do with him messing up as a doc.) Why he left me in that car, I don’t know. I finally felt well enough to drive home.

    Came home. Went to work. Got a thorough lecture from the security guy at work who works as a coach during the daytime. He INSISTED I see a doc.

    Went to doc next day who gave me a firm lecture, also. Found out from my daughter then when I passed out the second time, I’d been “twitching.” I may have been having a seizure, according to my doc.

    I had a big head injury (bicycle meets car) when I was 24 and have had a few head knocks since so this is possible. I did hit my head (forehead plant) when I pitched forward.

    Most of my accidents seem to involve my head in more ways than one. Poor decision making and head knock in combo.

  43. Cynthia

    Yet another one:

    I was helping a friend move. I was carrying one of those old fashioned sewing machines that look like a small table when closed up. From the 40s maybe. I was carrying it downstairs. The top of the “table” lifted up and came down again – on my nipples. Because of how I was carrying the sewing machine table thing and because I was carrying it downstairs very narrow steep stairway, there was nothing to do except scream for someone to help me. Rescue my trapped nipples now please!

    I guess that one didn’t involve my head. 😉

    • The Bearded Iris

      BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! It closed on your nipples! I just laughed out loud and had to read this one aloud to my husband. We are dying over here! Oh you poor thing! I hope your nipples are okay. Thank God they weren’t amputated…can you imagine having to explain THAT at the ER?

  44. Kris the Colts fan

    So the oven wasn’t on then?

    • The Bearded Iris

      No, the oven wasn’t on. But I had run the “self-clean” cycle earlier that night and even stayed up to make sure it was done, so it was on my mind when I went to sleep. Silly me. Last time I clean that mofo.

  45. Delilah

    Oh Lordy, I’m torn between total sympathy for your plight and inappropriate giggling. I’m afraid the giggling is winning out, but I still feel sympathy. I passed out on the toilet in my hospital room after giving birth if it makes you feel any better. In front of way more people than needed to be there. Everyone got a great glimpse of the carnage down below and I’m pretty sure a few of those people have never recovered. Ha! I’m glad you’re okay and you didn’t get a more serious injury. And that’s there’s no toom-ah.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Toom-ah! Yes – that is exactly how Arnold and my husband say it! So funny!

      Oh God…passing out on the toilet? After giving birth? In front of a room full of people? “…glimpse of the carnage down below…” Holy CRAP (literally). I’m getting anxiety sweats just thinking about it! (childbirth flashbacks!) I’m telling you, I have mad crazy respect for nurses and the nasty shit they have to see (and wipe). Oh the humanity! (bless your heart) Thank you! (At least my vagina wasn’t a key player in this drama.) I feel slightly less embarrassed now. 😉

  46. tracy Beckerman

    Glad you are OK. Don’t you think that the best thing about being a humor writer though, is your house can blow up or you can hurt yourself really badly and people will just say, “Hey, that’s gonna make a GREAT blog!”

  47. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    Last year, I hugged my daughter and ended up having a piece of my eyeball scooped out by her fingernail.
    Not. Comfortable.

  48. Amy

    I’m soooo glad you are better. I was riding a bicycle last fall with my dh and girls. We had gone about sixteen miles and the next thing I knew I was waking up from fainting. I remember things getting slightly blurry before fainting. I fell off the bicycle and it kept going. I peed all over myself in the process. I messed up my knee and when I finally was responsive I couldn’t see for several minutes and the sound of my audience was muffled . I went to the ER and they said it was dehydration but I had every medical test known to man to rule everything else out. I’m pretty sure I paid the mortgage for every specialist in town that month.

    • The Bearded Iris

      DOH! Remind me to never ride my bike again. So scary! (And peeing on yourself too! OMG!) Thank God you weren’t more seriously injured.

      I’m starting to believe that adequate hydration may be THE KEY to good health. Sorry you had to spend so much money and time on all those tests. I totally relate. Live and learn, and PREVENT! (let’s both drink a glass of water right now…cheers!)

  49. Christine

    Poor Lady! What is it about being 40 that just messes with your body. I am 42 and just before Christmas I went shopping with my daughters and had a latte but no water and went shopping in my fancy hi heel boots for hours-thinking I was awesome-Forever 21, Charlotte Russe,the whole bit. I got super thirsty ( I live in bone dry AZ) and got a migraine but the bottled water was $2.00. Got in the shmini-van and drove us all home. Or tried to -staring at the lights in the dark for half an hour turned my migraine into a wicked, nausea inducing demon. I made it far as the front door where I puked in the landscape stones.
    I puked my guts out non-stop for an hour until I was sure I was going to pass out or die. Oh, and my In Laws were visiting. Pops suggested I go to hospital but I could not move anywhere so I DID have to get carted off in an ambulance in a t-shirt, no bra( ripped that off when I stared puking)past my Christmas tree, out to my Cul de Sac, to the nearest hospital. My husband kept being asked if I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs, but I could not speak for my self it was like a nightmare. “What is she in for?” they asked as I was wheeled in. “Vomiting” was the annoyed response from my gurney-pusher. I started to catch on that they thought I was some housewife hepped up on pain-killers and holiday booze. But I could only vomit, not speak.
    I too was suffering from dehydration and was released by morning, and take water and migraine meds with me everywhere now.
    I explained to the neighbors a few weeks later what had happened but they said they “didn’t want to ask”. Why ? I thought? So humiliating…. It did not help that that month both Demi Moore and Heather Locklear had drug/alcohol 911 calls that month. It seems that us 40+ gals can’t handle much-be it shopping in heels with fancy coffee drinks but no water, or partying with teen daughters(yeah, such a bad call).
    Keep it up with the hydration Iris- I know I will !!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh honey – I totally get it. The humiliation factor! The worst. I have been drinking more water than ever for three days now and have been feeling SO MUCH better. And miraculously, my facial bruising has healed up incredibly fast. I’m going to make my kids start drinking more water too. Life lesson! Less coffee, more water. XO

  50. Marie M.

    I’m the biggest klutz there is. I’m also a nurse and can tell you about way more embarrassing situations patients present with to the ER. No worries…

  51. Emily

    OMG, mild dehydration does kill! I used to have that going on too. Except I mostly “only” got migraines, except for the time I passed out on the blacktop in 2nd grade, and my glasses got mashed into my forehead when I landed, so I had a bruise on my forehead that made me look like Mickey Mouse, and half of one eyebrow had gotten yanked out by the splintered safety-glass lenses. That was a look, lemme tell ya.

    The only bone I’ve ever broken happened this winter, though. I broke my toe. ON MY SON. Yeah. He wanted me to chase him, and he tripped and curled up in the fetal position on the floor because I was about to catch him (standard play in that sort of situation), and my toe wedged into his foot *juuuuust* right. I tried to shake it off too, because it was bedtime, the hubby had evening shift and wouldn’t be home for hours, it was Thanksgiving/Wee Girl’s birthday the next day, and SURELY I had just banged it up a bit. By next morning that one toe was all swollen and funny-colored and hurt like bejeezus. BUT (haha!) I know for a fact no one can “set” a broken toe. I have nurse friends, and they totally know. So I messaged one of my nurse friends, traded a few awesomely lewd jokes about stuffing turkeys, and got her confirmation that when a toe is broken, you effing tape it and go about your business. Done and DONE. And that’s how I managed not to spend Thanksgiving in the emergency room.

  52. EMA

    Oh, so nice to “meet” someone who’s also that 1 person in 1000 that things happen to . . .

    I stumbled over the vacuum cleaner and got a compound fracture of both bones in my right arm. Still have beautiful keloids to remind not to do that again.

    Also, when I had LASIK, the laser malfunctioned and pierced my cornea. I ended up with emergency corneal surgery and 5 stitches in my right eyeball. Needless to say, ain’t no one getting near my eyes with a laser again. I should also note that my uncle invented a new type of laser that makes that type of accident nearly impossible now, so LASIK is much safer than it was 12 years ago. But still.

    So, much sympathy!

  53. Molly

    This week at work (I’m a teacher) I reached to get something out of the fridge, stood up and whacked my head. I had to drag myself, with tears running down my face (shut up, it really hurt!) down the hallway to the nurse, where she promptly checked me out and gave me a sheet that read “Your child ____ has sustained a head injury at school today” and told me to give it to my mommy. lol

  54. Amanda Andrus

    I did miss you this week. I am so glad that you are okay and it wasn’t a tumor. What did you eat before bed to cause you to have such a vivid dream? Sorry about what happened. Only you could make us laugh in a situation like this. Feel better soon.

  55. Megan at declutterdaily

    When I was a teenager, my friend Danny won tickets to a Bon Jovi concert and called me to invite me along. I got so excited I jumped up (on the stairs of course) hit the little half wall above me head on, which knocked me back on my ass, on which I slid down the rest of the stairs, hitting the back of my head on the way. Recap: forehead, ass, and back cranium injuries in one jump. I still went to see Bon Jovi 20 minutes later. Hope you feel better.

  56. Sarah

    We couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so two days after we got married, we were home in our teeny apartment and my husband got up to go to work. He also got up too fast, got dizzy, and fell. He hit the door frame of the closet, bounced off of it and smacked into the dresser, then bounced off of THAT and hit the door frame again! Soooo… two days after his wedding he showed up at work with cuts on both sides of his face and a black eye. No one in his office wanted to mess with me after that!

    Hope that makes you feel better. 🙂

  57. Ninja Mom

    First, thank God your tunic is okay! No, your Purim. Nope. Well, your face, anyway. And you brain. Tumors, no thank you.

    Second, I was all fainty when I was preggers with the twins and my mother, she’s obviously deranged, wanted me to walk around with a helmet on. I didn’t. Neither did I faint on my punim.

    My non-accident life is freakish enough. I guess, God’s given me a pass in the accident department, so far.

  58. Bernie Bickers

    Well now I can’t sleep – was the oven on or wasn’t it!?!??!


    • The Bearded Iris

      Nice. This is the concern I get from my oldest friend.

      No, it was not on. But it was on my mind when I went to sleep because I had run the “self-clean” cycle earlier that night. Like I’ll ever do that again. Pfffft.

      I’m pretty sure you only read my blog as a constant feel-good reminder that you totally dodged a bullet when we decided to be ‘just friends’ 22 years ago. Happy to serve.

  59. Vanna

    How scary! A least you didn’t smash your head on the counter. Don’t feel bad I’ve heard way worse stories. Feel better soon <3

  60. Michele

    1. I stood up too fast from a warm bath after a long day on my bike without eating or drinking enough and WHAM! I took out my lovely jewelry chest on the way down and woke up some time later hearing myself making a weird “ung ung ung” noise in a small pool of blood (just a chin gash fortunately). Note: I’d been on a pretty harsh fad diet at the time.

    2. My friend had to take an urgent deuce at 3am and passed out on the toilet – he was found pants down and rushed to the ER to get stitches in his eyebrow, which was gashed open. He’d also been on a crash diet foisted upon him by his wife. (My ER doc friends assure me that this is a shockingly common phenomenon – passing out on the toilet.)

    3. My aunt came home to find her husband passed out in the hallway in a pool of blood, with all the pictures knocked off the wall on the way down – he’d had an antibiotic reaction, and was not then nor has he ever to my knowledge been on a diet.

    So my question for you …. have you been dieting??????? Eat something, chica! And chug some water before bed.

    4. Oh, that also reminds me of the time I slept-walked off the top of a bunk bed at camp and work up the next morning with a broken wrist. True story. No dieting involved, only wacky southern religious camp praying and summer Texas heat.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, first of all, LOVE the word ‘deuce’ in this context. Gets me every time.

      Secondly, no, I have not been dieting, unfortunately. I have done some of those fad diets and they never make me dizzy because I find myself drinking so much more water as part of their plan.

      I really think this is all just a factor of my freakishly low blood pressure (88/55), standing up too quickly out of bed, and being mildly dehydrated. The only part of that equation I have any control over is the water drinking, so now I’m making that a bigger part of my life. I actually had a really healthy dinner the night before this happened (chicken, rice, broccoli), and a midnight snack of Sun Chips, so I know it’s not diet related. But thank you for your concern and advice! 🙂

  61. ghfool

    You might be experiencing vasovagal syncope. My S2BXW suffers from that and something else that you obviously don’t have since you still love your husband.

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES! “Vasovagal syncope”!!! My ER doctor mentioned that as a probable cause. People with really low BP have a harder time getting the blood from their hearts to their heads when they stand up quickly…causes fainting. Being adequately hydrated helps the blood flow.

      Sounds like your S2BXW has a hard time getting the blood from her head to her heart too. 🙁

      • KC

        I just totally misread ‘vasovagal’. And then I read your explanation of what it was…and knew I’d missed something. Or rather in-cluded something I shouldn’t have.

  62. Mama Donn

    Your Mom didn’t get hysterical, but I did.

  63. LizzieM

    Making a birthday cake…
    Watching the mixer go round and round…
    Leaning over….
    Long hair….
    ’nuff said???

  64. Lori

    So glad that you are okay — just started reading your blog a few weeks ago and would be seriously sad to not see it appear in my email on a regular basis. You always make me laugh…sometimes out loud, in my office, around other people who then look at me strangely. Well, given my personality, maybe they always look at me strangely.
    While I have had my share of weird (usually brought on by some stupid act — keep reading — that is entirely my own fault) accidents. The one that comes to mind is the broken foot I got while doing a cartwheel in a very small kitchen while dressed as a clown and in full clown make-up. The ER docs were vastly amused and couldn’t resist telling me to…you got it…”stop clownin’ around.” To my credit, I was practicing for a local parade. I did walk in the parade, but refrained from doing cartwheels. 🙂

  65. Jessie

    Obviously the wine was keeping you hydrated. Logical conclusion…go back on the sauce! Glad that you are OK….take care of that punim…your stories are always the highlight of my week. Mwah!

  66. Lizzie

    My husband did the same thing one night while leaping out of bed from a deep sleep because he heard one of the kids screaming (he had dreamed that part–all the kids were sound asleep). All of a sudden I heard a thud and I found him lying on the floor of my son’s room. Then he proceeded to do it two more times on his way back to our room, culminating in a crash into our dresser. And because I am a very mild-mannered, calm kind of person, I called 911 immediately because I was convinced he was having a stroke, and hysterically called a neighbor at 3am to watch all 4 kids. The EMTs couldn’t find anything wrong, so I rushed him to the ER. He was mortified but I was uncontrollable. After a zillion tests over the course of many weeks, the official diagnosis was “I guess he fainted because his blood pressure got low and he got out of bed too fast.” Now I’ve forbidden him from helping the kids in the middle of the night, a punishment that I’m sure he secretly loves.
    Hope it makes you feel better to know these things happen to other people too!
    Oh, and as for my own stories: when I was a kid, I didn’t know what the cigarette lighter thing in the car was, so once I pushed it in, then took it out, noted that it looked red hot inside, and touched it to my nose. Yes, my nose. Had a giant blister on there for weeks. Another time I took the toilet plunger and stuck it to my stomach and then couldn’t get it off. I pulled and I pulled and I pulled and finally had to go find my mom to help. GIANT belly hickey.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh my God, Lizzie. You might be the winner! I don’t know which one has me laughing harder, the nose blister or the GIANT belly hickey!!!

  67. Leighann

    I can so relate to this…
    It’s a little creepy how much.
    I fell off of a picnic table in high school and almost broke my nose.
    My brother kicked my hand in elementary school and broke my finger.
    At the zoo once an Emu bit my finger.

    and my proudest moment? waking up in the middle of the night when I was sleeping in the spare room, forgetting I was in there and heading to the bathroom.. and then smacking face first into the wall.

    I hope you are feeling better soon!!

  68. Melissa

    OMG! 🙁 Glad you seem to be doing okay – yikes! Poor thing.

    That sort of thing used to happen to me a lot (and still does sometimes) – passing out after standing up too fast usually due to a combination of low blood pressure and lots of stress, oddly enough – in my case that is. It used to freak my boyfriend-at-the-time out a lot. :-S

    Hope the rest of the tests come back normal! 🙂

  69. Critter

    Bless your heart.

  70. Lady Estrogen

    DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol.

    If it makes you feel any better, I epoxy’ed my fingers together on Friday.
    That shit gets H-O-T, yo!

  71. El Barto

    Glad my big sissy-pooh is all right-holla at your ninja

  72. Kristin

    Wah! I just got a chance to read this – very late – and I hope you’re fully recovered by now. Is leaving the oven on all night a bad thing? Thanks for the PSA.

  73. Time with Tracy

    I’m so glad you are ok! As usual, I am late to the party.

    I am always telling my kids to take their socks off in my inlaws’ house, because they have really slick hardwood floors…only God knows what they use to clean those suckers, but you could ice skate on them.

    The morning after Thanksgiving I was exhausted and grouchy. I was in flannel head to toe because I was freezing, and had my favorite pair of wool socks on. I grabbed two full cups of coffee and then my son did something to make me angry so I instructed him to “get downstairs, NOW, so we can discuss this with your father!” (one of my prouder parenting moments). While double fisting the piping hot coffee, I round the corner with my son following, and hit that first top step like a scene out of the The Three Stooges. Feet came right out from under me and I literally flew straight up in the air, unable to catch myself on the way down due to my double fisting habit. Coffee flew all the way up the crown moulding, cups shattering in slow motion as I landed directly on my tailbone. I could not get up. I couldn’t walk for a day and limped for a week. Wrist hurt for three months…pretty sure I had a hairline fracture, but who has time to get x-rays when you’re a mom? Not me! The positive side is, at least now my son believes me when I tell him it’s a bad idea to wear socks on the hardwood floors.

    Gracefully yours,

  74. Jennifer

    Sweetheart! OMG. I was wondering what was up. I go away for a week and look at all the trouble you get yourself into. That sounds like it was incredibly scary. I’m so glad your beautiful brain is a-okay. Hopefully by now your beautiful face is starting to heal up as well. Wish I lived close by so I could bring you a big matzoh ball and a huge hug. Sending you a ton of love!!

  75. Angela Shelton

    Holywow bejeeeesus! Talk about being blindsided.

    Um well, I fell off the ski lift and broke my leg if that makes you feel any better – and I hope you’re feeling better!

  76. Kristin @ What She Said

    I’m sure it was the *same* exact thing when Steve Tyler fell in his shower a while back. (glug-glug, wink-wink)

    Seriously. Dude. I’m glad you’re OK. I can’t lose you to a tumor – not when I just found you, my long-lost sister from another mister.

    And I’ve done the fainting thing before (from attempting to walk on a severely sprained ankle). It’s scary stuff.

  77. Jessica

    That is crazy, I am so glad you are okay despite doing everything wrong. Seriously, glad you are okay.

    Alright here is one of my best/worst:

    While in college on a freezing Michigan day I was all hunched over in my big puffy coat and hat heading out of the parking structure and not really looking where I was going (totally the reason for most of my freak accidents). I apparently walked directly UNDER the yellow arm that comes down in between letting cars into the structure while it was up. Did I mention there was a hood on my puffy coat? Well as I’m obliviously walking something hits me in the head hard and I’m dizzy but while dizzy I’m also being lifted into the air. BY THE YELLOW PARKING ARM. The thing had hit me in the head then hooked into the hood of my coat and started lifting my skinny college butt off the ground. Luckily or not luckily it didn’t have a great hold on my hood and it dropped me to the cement. I pretty much crawled out from under the arm while waving off the people getting out of their cars who had seen it happen while waiting in line to get in the structure. Everyone wanted to take me to the med school on campus but I was too mortified. I was completely disoriented and just walked my college campus. I ended up with nothing serious, just a dent in my head a new winter coat sans hood and one more story to add to my long “How have I actually made it this far?” list.

    • The Bearded Iris

      What a vision! I can just see you being lifted into the air, Jessica. I don’t think I will ever look at one of those yellow parking gate arms again without thinking of you and seeing you midair in your puffy coat! Glad you lived to tell this awesome tale!

  78. tracy@sellabitmum

    Oh MY HELL! Only you could make this funny. Thinking about you. xo

  79. Stacey H.

    Mrs. Dumas,
    I really like your gown. I’m surprised you figured out it ties in the back. Apparently, B can’t handle her water. Go back to wine so you won’t end up in the ER again, Mama!

    Glad you didn’t bump your Pudum AND your Punim. That first one can really cause some genital swelling and discomfort! They better let you out before Ermie.
    Ms. Lil Concern

  80. Sig

    Oh dear. Was directed to this post by another faithful reader, as I have been offline a bit myself here. Glad to see you’re basically ok…minus the mortification factor, of course.

    If it makes you feel any better…..
    when I was in high-school, I worked as a hostess for the local dinner theatre. It was theatre in the round, the stage was in the center of the room and there were tables and chairs all the way around it. My job was to wear a nice, fancy, full-length formal gown while guiding people to their tables.
    So, I’ve led this couple to their seats, and I need to get back to the other side of the theatre to get back to my hostess station. Easiest way to do this? Simple! Cut across the stage!
    That way, you give the audience the best vantage point when you trip over the edge of your gown, face plant on the stage, and slide across to land, in a crumpled heap, at the edge of stage left.

    Ta-da! *curtsey*

  81. Kara

    The exact same thing happened to my friend Dana while on vacation in the Bahamas last month. Only she broke some teeth AND her jaw on both sides. Worst part: she had to fly back to Atlanta to a “real” hospital bc there was apparently nothing appropriate where they were. That’s with no pain meds. Sorry for both of these freak accidents.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh my GOD! Your poor friend! I hope she is doing better. That must have been so horrifying. I’m envisioning her looking/feeling like that guy in A Million Little Pieces on the plane (even though he confessed his book was not an accurate memoir, but still, that scene has never left me.)

  82. Betsy

    Not sure why it’s September and I am just now reading this but whatever. I normally just read your comments and laugh and laugh….not at you….with you.

    Anyway, last summer I was sitting on the floor folding copious amounts of my families’ laundry and had an “ah shit, I forgot to …..” moment and jumped straight up from the floor and took off running to do whatever just popped into my brain and my toe got caught on a pair of my husband’s underwear and I fell hard. I ended up with “turf toe” which is an injury usually associated with professional football players falling on astro turf.


    • The Bearded Iris

      “Turf toe”? WTF, indeed! I’ve never heard of that, but day-yam, I bet it hurts like a mofo. Last time you rush away from your folding, eh? 😉

  83. Betsy

    Wait, I have more. Did I mention the story about donating blood?

    Donated blood and went into the bathroom and peed whatever fluid was still in my body and then face planted in the bathroom with my pants down. After breaking into the bathroom and reviving me, the nice blood center staff half carried me with my pants partial on through the waiting room to a gurney so I could rest. Pretty sure I cleared the waiting room.

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG. Note to self, always pee BEFORE giving blood. (Bless your naked-ass heart.)

  84. Roshni

    I’m pretty sure you’re alright by now…so I’m mildly interested in the story about seeing your grandma naked!! 😛

  85. Brittany

    OK I love your blog even more now! When I was a kid my mom used to mutter “offoffoffoffoff” and waggle her pointer finger in the kitchen right before we would leave the house, every time, without fail. I had no idea what she was doing but I look up to my mom so I’d follow behind her and wait until she left the room before saying “offoffoffoffoff” and waggling my own finger. Turns out she was double checking the stove and oven knobs to be sure it was off. (OK I can hardly write “knobs” after your latest post) Ahem. All that to say, I COMPLETELY relate to your panic-I’m OCD about the stove to this day, thanks to Mom. 😉 (and I’ve fallen on my face a number of times for lesser reasons! ha)

    • The Bearded Iris

      This is priceless! I just know I’m going to start hearing myself saying “offoffoffoffoff” when I walk out of the kitchen from now on. I already talk to myself when I lock doors. Cuckoo!

      • Brittany

        I’m just glad we aren’t alone in our paranoia! My husband is probably sick of me asking, “did you lock the doors?” every single time we leave the car. Maybe if he just trilled out his own little offoffoffoffoff jingle I’d stop having to ask.

  86. Kmary

    I haven’t been here in soooo long…I have missed reading your blog. Just wanted to share that, in my efforts to “get shredded” in 30 days with Jillian Michaels, I decided to skip a few weeks. So, during the chest fly exercise (note: laying on back on concrete basement floor), instead of using 3# hand weights I beefed it up to 8# weights. Then I proceeded to drop one of the dumbbells on my sternum. Hurt. Like. A S’mbitch. I think something’s a little loose in there….but I’m too stubborn to seek medical advice. Hey, on the positive side, maybe I’ll end up with a third boob in time for beach season.

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG – that sounds so painful! A third boob is definitely a good way to look on the bright side. You’ll be super popular at the beach this summer!

      Welcome back and that’ll teach you to put your physical health before your blog reading (tsk tsk.) JK – I hear that 30 Day Shred is awesome. Do you recommend it?

      • Kmary

        Yes, 30 Day Shred is awesome. Gotta give major props to Jillian Michaels. She is ripped, shredded, buff….sounds like I might have a girl crush on her. But seriously, that workout rocks! I also have her Six Pack in 6 Weeks Abs DVD as well as The Biggest Loser Cardio Max. I gained serious weight last year….back injury, depression, job I hated blahblahblah…Anyway, my back is better and my goal is to lose 30+ lbs, run 5K and 10K races this summer and half-marathon in September. Since the first of the year, with diet changes and exercising I have lost 16 lbs. I also do group cycling class “spinning” 3 mornings a week. That is, if I get my booty up at 415 to be ready for a 515 class. And, it has been freaking cold lately (live in Wisconsin) and I really hate wind chills of 20 BELOW zero. Soooo, sometimes I boycott the classes and do an extra round of Shred. To make a looonnng recommendation, short: I recommend 30 Day Shred to anyone 🙂

  87. Kate

    I know this old, but I can’t NOT post my comments! I am the family joke regarding my clumsiness!

    1. At work, I was sitting at the desk with one foot curled up under me, sitting on it. I didn’t realize it was asleep! I jumped up to answer the phone, and my foot buckled under me, but it was numb so I didn’t think much of it. 2nd step, and it buckled again – this time fracturing my ankle and tearing tendons and ligaments.

    2. 4 days before my due date with #2, I fell down the stairs, breaking BOTH feet. Going through labor with broken feet is NOT fun, let alone trying to carry the baby around postpartum!

    3. My feet slipped out from under me, and I fell down the stairs. Hairline fractured my pelvic bone. To this day, I still hear “Mom broke her butt!”

    I could go on and on… but I will leave you with my favorite…

    4. Sitting on my mom’s couch after a holiday meal… and a blade from the ceiling fan flies off and hits me in the forehead! I probably should have had stitches, but we used some tape and I was all good!

  88. Maia Kazemir

    You have got such an amazing way with words and I adore reading your adventures.

    I wanted to share a blog post I wrote about my “near death” (or at least felt like it), shower experience.

    I sure hope you are doing better now and keeping hydrated

    *Raises wine glass to you as only uncoordinated and graceless kindreds can

    Maia (The Crabby Witch)


  89. Ashleigh

    I have passed out publicly more times than I can count. Most embarrassing was in a room full of co-workers standing around our cubicles during a netting and then having them call 911 and have my mother pick my grown ass up from work. Another time was as a teenager on a plane ride home from Seattle, I was feeling sick from a migraine I had gotten earlier and when I got up to go to the bathroom at the back of the plane, the bathroom was occupied and the next thing I knew some eastern European lady is in my face about to give me some mouth to mouth action. I also blacked out last summer after standing up way too fast after smoking a cigarette on my front porch and scared the shit out of my fiance because I didn’t tell him I was going to faint, ya know, because I plan for this shit to happen.

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