A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

What NOT to do when someone faints.

“Ask and ye shall receive.”

I asked you to tell me your most embarrassing freak accidents, and boy howdy did you deliver!

Love, love, LOVE all the great comments you left over the weekend!

I am not always able to respond to every comment personally, but please know that I do read every single one. I particularly enjoyed Colleen’s story about the mutant June Bug/unibrow/bike collision, Delilah’s postpartum fainting spell on the crapper showcasing her newly acquired crotch carnage, and Cynthia’s sewing table/nipple-pinch incident! Holy CRAP!!! I’m pretty sure my unibrow, nipples, and taint are all crying right now in solidarity. But I think the freak accident tale that touched my heart the most was Lizzie’s curious childhood experimentation with weird inanimate objects. Lizzie honey, that is TOTALLY the kind of thing I would have done (and probably did) as a child. Bless our hearts!

So thank you all from the bottom of my vaso-challenged vagus nerve for your awesome stories and well wishes. You definitely made me feel like less of an isolated dork and more like a member of a wonderful community of accident prone freaks from around the globe. I love you guys.

Also, thanks to your awesome comments, I learned some important first aid tips! (Thank you Peg and Kat1e!)

Apparently, my husband and I did everything wrong when he found me face-down on the bathroom floor last week: he moved me (my back and neck are still sore), we didn’t call 911, I took 4 Advil, and I went back to sleep.

Luckily for me, this tale did not end on a tragic note. If my neck/head injury had been any worse, any one of these responses could have permanently maimed or killed me.

But let’s use my experience as a learning opportunity. Someday, you or someone in your vicinity may faint or bump their head. Learn what to do before you find yourself in such an emergency!

As my gift to you, I have combed the Internet for the most clear and concise first aid tips related to my recent injury.

If someone faints, here’s the proper way to respond (according to the Mayo Clinic, which is much more reliable than the Mustard Clinic, aka Poupon U, for health related questions, in my humble opinion).

Head injury? Here’s what to do.

Got bruises? Do this.

I think the main first aid tip I take from this incident, other than trying to stay more hydrated on a daily basis, is that if you suspect a brain injury or concussion:

…use acetaminophen (Tylenol, others). Avoid other pain relievers such as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) and aspirin, as there’s a possibility these medications may increase the risk of bleeding. (from Mayo Clinic: Concussion)

Now let’s be careful out there. And educate others so they don’t accidentally paralyze you while they’re trying to save your mildly dehydrated life.

And for the love of God, never stick a toilet plunger to your belly, or jump for joy while you’re on the steps, or lean over the mixer with your long hair, or step on a banana peel.

I would miss you if you died a violent sewing table malfunction/nipple-pinching related death!

That is all.




  1. Carrie


    If you ain’t saying vagina you’re saying nipples.

    Which is cool.

    I’ve already said vagina 4 times in the office this morning. It makes’em rather uncomfortable.

    Thanks for the tips.

    Even though the proper application of lipgloss while reeling in pain wasn’t listed. I trust that’s because most already know that one. =)

  2. Ninja Mom

    From laughingstock fainting victim (not that *I* was laughing) to PSA-giving humanitarian. What can’t you do, Iris Beard?

  3. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    I wish Ellen were not cruising the seven seas right now—she would totally appreciate the good work you are doing here. You are lucky you are alive in spite of your best efforts to off yourself without really trying, Erin

  4. Ann

    Obviously your lack of alcoholic beverages is what led to the dehydration which led to your unfortunate accident. I think this calls for a big ol’ box-o-wine with a straw the size of a giant Pixie Stick!

  5. Lizzie

    I’m so glad I could make you laugh since you make me laugh every time you post! And thanks for the shout-out : )

  6. Sarcasm Goddess

    I must check out these posts. And the one about you fainting. OMG! I’m glad you’re okay. Also, you said taint. You are so many kinds of awesome I lost track.

  7. Jessica

    Omg, how did I miss that post I am the QUEEN of doing embarrassing somewhat painful things. Can I go back to that post and leave one? But which will I choose? I guess since a nipple pinching story has already been left I will have to choose another. Okay I’m going back to leave mine and hopefully feel better about the dork that I am when I read the other stories.

  8. Motherhood on the Rocks

    I can always count on a good laugh when I come here. I think you are the only person who can talk about nether regions without offending a single person. Love it!

  9. Jessica

    I threw a knife at a sink once. It bounced back and sliced my finger wide open. That sink must have been PISSED at me but it was uninjured. Not sure if that counts as a freak accident but man, talk about karma.

  10. Stefani

    I just found your blog today when I googled “what to do when someone faints”. OMG, you and your followers are hilarious. I was in the bathroom at work reading in a stall (yes, I really was) when I came across your comment about the Southern “bless your heart”. I had to really restrain my giggles. I grew up in Dallas, TX and that was my grandmother’s favorite expression. And it meant exactly what you thought it meant. Best laugh I’ve had all month! I know I’m about 5 months late in responding to your posting, but I had to let you know what a kick I got.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wow, Stefani! What a great comment! I love the idea of you reading my blog at work in a bathroom stall and restraining your giggles. You sound like my kind of gal. Welcome!

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