A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Helicopter Mom – The Movie

My kids have been on Spring Break this week. We didn’t go anywhere exciting, unless you count the barber shop, so we’ve been keeping ourselves entertained the old fashioned way: doing super gross things on video for your entertainment. I’m a giver, what can I say.

The following short film was inspired by recent current events. It was written entirely by my children with minimal input by me. I did have to put the kibosh on one scene they wanted to do that involved toenail trimming and my mouth, but other than that, I was incredibly impressed with their comedic timing and ability to craft a compelling story in 4 minutes or less.

Eat your heart out, Alicia Silverstone:

61 Comments

  1. Julie

    Iris, this is hilarious, but it’s the shared smirks on all of your faces that makes it so great. They’ve clearly inherited your sense of humor. I would buy a ticket to a family dinner at your house for sure.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Julie! I’m going to set a place for you right now…just get here when you can. (No charge!) And I promise, no mouth-to-mouth feeding.

  2. Jwaaah

    This is hilarious, cuteness, loving, silly fun all wrapped in one. Your kids have a great mom and you, mom, have some pretty awesome kids! They are all so adorable… they look like they all walked out of Baby Gap or Ralk Lauren ads! Put those kids to work earning you some big bucks, mama!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! I wish! Know any good agents? Thanks for getting my humor and enjoying the silliness!

  3. Peg D

    I especially like the jelly bean in the nose snack that you seemed to enjoy! There is nothing like a mother’s love.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Sweet and salty…it could be the newest snack sensation with the right marketing! 😉

  4. Jessica

    Hahahaaha! Love it!

    I can’t remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but in the past couple days of being home sick, I’ve read the whole thing. Thanks for making me laugh so hard that snot bubbles came out of my nose. (Too much?)

    • Crista

      There’s no such thing as too much!

    • The Bearded Iris

      No way…snot bubbles are the ultimate compliment!! Sorry you’ve been sick…I hope the laughter has helped you feel better. Glad you found me!

  5. Crista

    I was composed until you spit water into Bucket Head’s mouth. Then it was all over, and my co-workers came to see why I was laughing. Per one of them upon seeing the first scene: “I threw up a little in my mouth…but that’s OK because it makes it easier to swallow a second time!”

    Thank God we leave early today.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well then it’s a good thing I cut out the steak scene.

      The idea of you laughing so hard that people came to see makes my heart sing. Thanks for getting my schtick and sharing it with coworkers, in spite of their weak stomachs! 😉

  6. Kathleen

    I have to wear adult diapers any time I read your blog, you know=)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hallelujah! That’s my evil plan. (Note to self: buy stock in Depends.)

  7. Angela Shelton

    OMG I don’t even know what to say. You’ve stumped me. Really.

  8. Kristen K

    And this is why we are friends.

    Come over for Easter Dinner on Sunday. We’d love to share with you….

    • The Bearded Iris

      I love you Kristen. I would proudly eat your pre-chewed Easter dinner any time!

  9. Jane

    Sooooo funny! I love that all your kids have your sense of humor!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Janie! Oh I hope they get my humor and not some of my other traits! 🙂 (Bless their hearts.)

  10. Alexis

    I love how your family all enjoys sharing saliva. I also love the opening of the door followed by, “Mom, I need you to wipe me!” BTW – my 5 YO does this and I think I need to video tape it as well. I’m sure that would come in handy when he starts dating.

    Excellent video – as always 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      I wish my 5 year old would let me wipe him…it would save me a lot of OxiClean. But yes, that was my 12 year old’s voice in that scene. {Shudder}

  11. Ann

    With moms like you out there I’ll never win that Mother of the Year Crown, damn you Iris!

    btw…THANK YOU for spitting the water into Bucket Head’s mouth, I was afraid for a minute there that you were going to lift your t-shirt and then I would have had to pretend not to know you at church.

    • Paige

      OMG for a minute a thought the biob was coming out too! Lol Your kids are awesome.

      • Amanda Andrus

        I too was thinking “Don’t lift your shirt. Don’t lift your shirt. Oh good she didn’t lift her shirt.”

        • The Bearded Iris

          OMG you guys! Seriously? You are THAT afraid of my boobs? *slumps and cries*

      • The Bearded Iris

        Your praise of my kids makes me feel less self-conscious that you were anticipating boobage. Thank you for that!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Ann, as if I could ever compete with you and your badass baking skills! And thank you for thanking me about the water spitting. You never have to worry about me lifting my t-shirt unless I’m doing a horror film. Silly!

  12. Karine

    It’s disgustingly awesome! Your kids have a wicked sense of humor.

    • The Bearded Iris

      “disgustingly awesome!” I LIKE THAT!! Thanks Karine!

  13. Brett Minor

    That was great. My kids would have appreciated the humor in it, but would not have stood for anyone spitting into their mouths.

    I also don’t think I would want to eat a jelly bean out of my kids nose.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Understood! I blame my recent head injury. I must have knocked some of the taste buds out of my face.

      Bucket Head is a trooper, that’s for sure. Now I just have to convince him to NOT try to stick other things up his nose. In hindsight, probably not the best idea…

  14. L. Hewitt

    Yall really know how to rock a spring break! How did you get them to do that? Hoppy Easter to you and (obviously) yours.
    L.Hewitt
    P.S. How’s your head?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks for asking Lynn! Getting better every day…the bruising is totally gone and my fogginess is fading. I am going in for more tests tomorrow to try to get to the bottom of it.

      It was really fun – working all together on a common creative project like this! We’ll have to do it more often, just with less bodily fluids so I don’t lose more readers.

      • L. Hewitt

        It’s Lisa. You made me laugh at comment replies. You are so warped. That’s one of the reasons I fancy your blog so much. Bless your head.

        • The Bearded Iris

          Mwah-ha-ha-ha! Now I know your first name and can…wait, I really don’t know anything sinister I can do with that information. Sorry I called you the wrong L name! I had a summer roommate once named Lynn and she was awesome, but I have a sister in law named Lisa, so that’s even better. Win-win. 🙂

  15. Amanda Andrus

    I love the fact that your kids came up with this. They all have a great sense of humor. We know were they got it from too. What a great mom you are to do all of those gross things. My daughter was cringing at the water part. When my kids are little (1yr to 2yr) my husband would bite off pieces of popsicle and feed it to the kid from his mouth.

    • The Bearded Iris

      They are pretty fun little humans. When I told them about Alicia Silverstone they were totally skeeved and couldn’t wait to do a parody! They think the part with me running is the best part…probably because it is so out of character for me to move that fast unless I’m chasing an ice cream truck.

      But of course! Is there any other way to feed a baby a popsicle?! 🙂

  16. Megan at declutterdaily

    nice

  17. Michaela Mitchell

    Freaking hilarious! And the look you give the camera after eating the jellybean is freaking priceless!

    • The Bearded Iris

      SWEET! That’s my favorite part too, Michaela! (Which is why I included it THREE FREAKING TIMES like a shameless hussie!)

  18. Jill

    For reelz I know someone who brushes their 13yr old’s teeth and I know someone who tried to get the government to make us wear helmets in the car – he started making his family where them!

    Super funny and I impressed by your spitting agility.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw, thank you Jill!

      I actually think car helmets are a great idea! Strike that, I actually think any time is a great time for helmets. Especially given my new talent for bumping my head, I should probably wear my helmet more often.

  19. Lunacy

    I applaud your willingness to get up close and personal with the kids in the name of comedy. You’re self sacrifice on behalf of your readers is commendable.

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES! It’s all in the name of comedy – thank you for seeing that and appreciating it!

  20. Paula

    So ‘this’ is how you do it in the States? Uh-huh……

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aaaaaaaaand, cue the response post….

  21. Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    Holy Helicopter hilarious! I seem to always like the subtle, though. The helmets in the car with the tip –It’s always a right time to wear a helmet, cracked me up.
    BTW, how is your minivan that freaking clean?? Ellen

    • The Bearded Iris

      Smoke and mirrors, honey! It’s all special effects (also known as a large bucket to throw everything into before filming).

  22. Connie Weiss

    Thank you for making me NOT look like a helicopter mom!

    • The Bearded Iris

      You’re welcome. Happy to serve, Connie.

  23. Ninja Mom

    Real LOLzzzzzzzz! Sharing everywhere.

    Also, I said, aloud, “Don’t do it, Iris!!” during the mouthwash scene. Why that was worse for me than booger candy, I don’t know.

    Your kids are AWESOME. Let us broker a trade. . .

  24. Jen

    Bravo, bravo…absolutely hilarious!!

  25. Snappy the Turtle Tamer

    Ha! I love the bubble wrap for the bike ride. Wow – You guys must have been pretty bored during spring break. Nevertheless I am glad you all made the video. Hilarious!

  26. Sasha

    FREAKING H for Hilarious!! OMG the jelly bean was the best ever! Well done, Helicopter Mom 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks, Sasha! It really didn’t taste any different than any of the other green things that come out of his nose. TMI? 😉

  27. Lauren

    I just fell in love with you.

  28. Stacey Gill

    I can’t believe your kids let you do that to them. And that you all did it w/o barfing. Good job!

  29. Amy H

    Good grief this is the funnies thing I have seen in ages…kudos to the kids for going for it!

  30. Jessica B

    OK, this is the first post of yours that I’ve checked out and it’s freaking hilarious. Sheesh, where have you been all my life? I’ve officially checked the clock to see how much time I have before the kids get home from school so I can read all the way back to 2008. Damn. I guess getting groceries will have to wait. There is nothing like discovering an awesome new-to-you mom blog. 🙂

  31. Abbie

    “Come and wipe me!” Lovely, just lovely!

  32. Stephanie

    That was hilarious!

  33. VenusGenetrix

    I would say “Ya’all are GROSS!” ‘cept that’s totally something my kids & I would do, lol. My favorite part: “Everybody ready? HELMETS ONNNN!” 🙂

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