A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

I actually bought this product just because of the label.

Let’s put 60 seconds on the clock and see how many jokes we can come up with for this fine product my 12 year old son put in my shopping cart last week:

pic of a bottle of Pat's Ho-Made BBQ Sauce

1.) Typos before hos.

2.) Oh look honey, your cousin Pat and his girlfriend went into business together!

3.) “How’d this gold tooth get in my BBQ sauce?”

4.) I knew it! That androgynous Pat character from SNL is a DUDE! And he likes chicks…chicks who know how to cook, apparently.

5.) Too legit…too legit to quit (stirring my sauce).

6.) How much longer do you think she’s gonna cook for you if you keep calling her that, asshat!

7.) Speaking of asshats…Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ Sauce, bottled and distributed by Rush Limbaugh and Associates.

8.) I’m saucy and I know it.

9.) Pat’s Motto: I like my BBQ sauce like I like my women: hot, sweet, and makes me burn a little when I put it on my dingaling.

Okay that’s all I got.

Help a sister out, yo.

-Iris

75 Comments

  1. TishM

    Makes ya wonder what the ‘secret ingredient’ is.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Bwahaha! THAT’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, Willis.

  2. Ann

    Made in: The Trailerhood!

  3. Kristen K

    I bought a bottle of “Rectal Rocket Fuel” just because. And it sat on my kitchen window sill for 3 years!

    I am all about buying shit like that!! I think I may need to buy the Ho-Made stuff.

    • The Bearded Iris

      And THAT is why we’re friends. We should start a gift basket company together and fill the baskets with Ho-Made sauces, Cock Blocker Wine Stoppers, fart putty, etc. Have your people call my people. (That’s code for see you on FB later.)

      • Kristen K

        I’ll get Jenna and Heather in on this. We’ll make a fortune. And, we’ll throw in some “Betty Beauty” for free. (Google that.)

        • Livin In Duckville

          ^I did… bwahahhahahahhaaaaa!!! Instead of the carpet matching the drapes… why not just wax the floor?

        • The Bearded Iris

          Kristen, serious props for being in the know about all the hot minge-related products (and sharing)! If I didn’t love you so much, I might wonder how you know everything that you do, but I’m not going to look a gift-ho in the mouth. You, my dearest, are a national treasure. (And I can’t decide which color I like best…Black Betty or Fun Pink Betty.)

          • Ann

            I Googled it, big mistake! Oh lawd…green??? With my ‘luck’ I’d have to go to the ER for something and they’d see that. ‘shudder’

          • Lisa H

            Crystals and Betty Stencils???? Seriously….Fun Pink Betty Hearts with bling…..who knew???

        • Jennifer

          Oh THIS made me laugh! I actually wrote a blog several years ago about Blonde Betty. I was sitting in my salon letting my color cure and started perusing the shelf of shampoos, gels and such and found BlondeBetty. And I was shocked, amused and slightly horrified! I changed salons after that… the blog is titled, “Momma Needs a New Rug”

          • Kristen K

            Imagine if Betty Beauty and the Vajazzling people worked together… imagine the crotch creations they could come up with!

          • The Bearded Iris

            “Momma Needs a New Rug” !!! OMG, dying over here.

  4. Sarah

    If you eat too much of this, you might need to pick up a tube of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste…

    http://www.amazon.com/Boudreauxs-Butt-Paste-oz-Jar/dp/B0009RF8G0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334186489&sr=8-1

    Actually, go ahead and buy the 1 pound tub.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Lord knows I hate the dreaded “double burn.” Thanks for thinking of me, Toots! By the way, I’ve seen this product at Ace Hardware in the impulse buy area near checkout. I always wondered WTF kind of impulse buy that would be…some butt-crack-a-lacky hardware customer sees it and thinks to himself, “Oh yeah! My asshole is itchy. I need some of this!” LMAO!

      • Karin

        The Butt Paste is actually pretty good stuff. Someone bought it for my son when he was a baby and it worked great on diaper rash. 🙂

      • Stacey H.

        If you laughed your ass off, you wouldn’t need the butt paste, my fiery rectal friend!

        • The Bearded Iris

          Sister, please…if I COULD laugh my ass off, don’t you think I’d be wearing a “Please tickle me!” sign on my back 24/7? (btw, I’m very ticklish…so keep your distance when we meet at EBWW next week! I’m kidding, you better wear a back brace because I’m a hugger and don’t know my own strength.)

  5. Ninja Mom

    – “Damn typos! That’s ‘Ho-Maid.’ I gave the girl my tip.
    – Coming soon from Pat’s: Pimp-ckles! Pickles that make yo taste buds their bitch.
    – Just like momma used to make, until she had to do a nickel for prostitution.
    – 10% of all sales go toward BJs at the company Christmas party.
    – Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ sauce, ain’t nothing sweet about it.
    – Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ Sauce, now STD-free.
    – Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ sauce is a philanthropic company that employs retired prostitutes, because there ain’t no 401k on the corner.

    I’m done. I’ll come back when I’m tipsy.

    • The Bearded Iris

      HOLY CRAP!!! Bitch, you got SKILLZ that KILLZ. I was trying to come up with something about retired hookers, but I just couldn’t get there. YOU nailed it. “Pickles that make yo taste buds their bitch.” I feel like I should pay you for that one, Nicole.

      • Ninja Mom

        Thanks! You may pay me in Ho-Made BBQ Sauce. I love this stuff.

        • meghan

          this is incredible!

    • Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

      This is the kind of hilarity that I am completely incapable of. I’m still thinking “haha, ho, that’s funny” and you’re breaking out the brilliance. Props.

      • The Bearded Iris

        Well, we all have our gifts. Yours just happens to be more “Ew! Kids! WTF?!” related and less pimp/ho related…probably a testament to your character. It scares me more than a little that so many of the rest of us know so much about pimping.

        Hey, the ho you know.

  6. Fiveogrrl

    This is a rake/shovel conversation. No Ho’s allowed.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I would hate to see the kind of BBQ sauce you make at home with a shovel. {reminds me of that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes}

      • Tracy

        “Secret’s in the sauce!”

        • The Bearded Iris

          One of my all-time favorite books (and movies), Tracy! I start crying if I even THINK about Buddy on the railroad tracks. TOWANDA!!!

  7. NanaBread (Jeanne)

    Ho no you dih-ent! There’s a ho lotta humor in this one, Iris. I’d absolutely buy this, especially for a house warming gift. Or a bachelor party. Perfect way to put some skank on your shank, am I right? 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      *SNORTING LAUGH* I can just hear the commercial now: “Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ Sauce, put some skank on your shank!”

  8. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    So THAT’s what you get from all those vulva pustules…

    • The Bearded Iris

      OH SNAP! You said ‘vulva pustules!’ Mmmm, that makes me wanna whip up some of my famous vajazzled valentines vulva candies! Hey, that would be another hot item for my new gift basket idear. Thanks!

      • Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

        You could always shape the vagazzled vulva candies like scrotum around the Ho Sauce and put them in a prickly very dark brown basket. That’d be hawt.

  9. Carrie

    CAN. NOT. BREATHE.
    HEEeee-larious.

  10. Sue Salisbury

    Laughing so hard I was making the bed shake…

  11. Melissa

    Makes your sausage spicy!

  12. Kathleen

    Pat’s Ho-Made BBQ Sauce! Tastes better than it smells!

    • Ninja Mom

      Awesome!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh.
      My.
      GAWD!
      Kathleen!!
      We are SO making t-shirts. Call me.
      *standing ovation*

  13. Cincy Sarah

    Ho man. I hope it’s not too late.

    Now made with 15% more hos! (And it gets the triple-ho stamp of approval from Santa himself)
    The light version: Faux-ho-made
    Send away for your Ho-Made in the USA t-shirt!
    I like my BBQ like I like my hoes: thick, rich, and pungent.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Nuh-uh!

      If you go to that Amazon link and scroll down you’ll see that customers who bought Cock Flavored Soup Mix also bought a can of Heinz Spotted Dick (which is apparently a fancy name for Sponge Pudding…and/or VD).

      These products are definitely going in The Bearded Iris corporate gift baskets (coming soon to stores near you).

      • Rosemamie

        Don’t forget to add some of the Cock flavored seasoning to your cart along with the spotted dick and cock soup. I’ve heard the seasoning can be very salty though, and sometimes randomly explodes from the container without warning.

        Did you read the reviews of the soup at the bottom? Hee-fucking-larious!

        • Jen Hollywood

          She said, “and sometimes randomly explodes from the container without warning.” *more snorting laughter*

          Need to get to work…can’t stop reading these posts! They get funnier by the minute.

      • Sharon

        omg! Apparently some Amazon customers also bought “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” hand sanitizer when purchasing the cock flavored soup. You know a girl gotta click on that link. Apparently it’s a gag gift item, but you have to check out the alternates available, esp. “You Nasty” and “I <3 my Penis" hand sanitizers. Christmas gifts are gonna be crack-a-lackin this year.

  14. Lynn

    This sauce exclusively made in Yo Momma’s kitchen. Please disregard cigarette ashes.

  15. Be @ Dad of the Decade

    Hodie saucus natus est! (What? You don’t love Latin jokes? Cretins, the lot of you!)

    I hope it’s not all natural.

    *MY* BBQ sauce is just like Ho-Made – but no lumps!

    It burns like the clap!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG – a new level of grossness has been achieved, and I like it. “…no lumps”? Ew! (hahahahaha!)

      And about that burning sensation…I do NOT want to know how you know that.

  16. Julie

    That damn Pat…he’s quite the ladies man. He’s got his bitch Pat in da kitchen brewing him up some Ho-made sauce because the last time he put that damn tobasco sauce on his eggs and grits, it didn’t end well for the plumbin-and not just his own, but the bathroom. Pat is good for a lot of things…she cleaned up that bathroom lickety split and then put the finishing touches on it by hanging the new bacon air freshener. Ewwweee doggies…that room was fine. Pat even had his aunty doing the chores for him and she was brewin some finger lickin goodies over yonder in the trailer directly across from him in the park. Aunty was her name, she could be Pat’s sister, but we’ll go with Aunty and she can make some serious spotted dick. It’s a hum cockah! And then there’s Gracy….might be daughter, might be son, either way…it’s called Gracy and it don’t matter none because anyone who can whip up a batch of spicy cock soup has my vote! These hos do what they can to please ole’ Pat……

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dang, you are frighteningly good at that!

  17. Hollow Tree Ventures

    And now, try Pat’s new Ho-made Beef Rub! A well-seasoned rub for your butt roast and loin cuts. Aww yeah, it’s hot!

    • The Bearded Iris

      heh-heh-heh-heh…you said “Ho-Made Beef Rub”! I wonder how that would taste on all-beef wieners.

  18. TheLP

    “Ho-made BBQ Sauce: the best and CONDOMent with spermicide!”

    “For Ho’s, By Ho’s….”

    “Ho-made BBQ Sauce: Grandma’s secret!”

  19. Abby

    Still chucklin’ over here. That’s some good stuff. I really needed that belly laugh this morning. Thanks Iris. 🙂

    *I will tell my husband how to find you when I’m still singing Too Legit To Quit by 6 pm.*

    • The Bearded Iris

      Bwahaha! No lie…that song gets IN YO BRAIN. I feel like wearing some baggy pants and doing a little shuffle dance today.

      My apologies to you AND your hubs.

      Whatever you do, DO NOT think about the Barney Song instead. (I love you, you love me, we’re a happy fam-i-ly….)

  20. Kat1e

    I read some reviews….
    Evidently, Pat’s ho was not able to perform up to expectations.
    Evidently the taste won’t stand out in a crowd.
    You forgot to mention it was only $2 a bottle! I think Pat’s Ho might have self-esteem issues.
    I’ve got to see if they have Pat’s Ho’s sauce at my local grocery and just put it in the fridge and wait for The Husband to say something. Thanks! 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      I love that you dug deeper and googled this product so you could read reviews. THAT is awesome. Team Google!

  21. megryansmom

    I want to borrow this for my ho friends

    • The Bearded Iris

      It’s only $2…get your own damn corner, I mean, BOTTLE.

  22. Bernie Bickers

    This sounds like it came straight out of the plot from “I’m Gonna’ Git You Sucka!” I’m imagining a sweatshop owned by Mr. Big, where Hos toil without access to emery boards, gossip, or sugar daddies, to make this evil brew.

    Of course, there’s always the possibility that a relative of Ho Chi Minh emigrated here and that this is an old family recipe…

    • The Bearded Iris

      Leave it to you to explore alternative explanations (Ho Chi Minh! OMG. You are so stinkin’ smart) …and to be familiar with the plot lines of all the classic blacksploitation spoofs. You never cease to impress me, unlike the ER nurse who saw your junk…that one time…at band camp.

  23. julie gardner

    Am I wrong or is there a little TM at the bottom of the label?

    Who knew you could trademark genius…

  24. Stacey H.

    If ketchup makes your ass burn, then this is the one according to a spicy hot sauce critic. “The sauce itself is a semi-unremarkable sauce which tastes a bit like slightly modified ketchup. Notable usage of nutmeg and clove, but not enough to make the taste stand-out in the crowd. The ambiguous usage of the word “ho” might be all the free marketing this sauce is going to get. Medium thickness, medium taste, and peppery – but a bit on the bland side.” (www.bbqsaucereviews.com) How tragic! The name is so brilliant! I was about to buy a case!! Mehhh!

    • The Bearded Iris

      I said it before and I’ll say it again, I LOVE THE INTERNETS (at least until my email gets hacked and my sex tape goes viral. Oh wait, I don’t have a sex tape.)

      I just googled “funny bbq sauce names” and my favorite so far is “Weapon of Ass Destruction.” Personally, I’ll take the bland Ho-Made sauce over something classified as a weapon.

  25. Janessa

    Instead of being so good it’ll “make ya slap ya momma”, it’ll make ya slap ya ho!

    Good to see the pimps are diversifying their investments these days.

  26. Pish Posh

    All my bitches be making sauce.

    Ho-Made sauce. Things just got a little saucier.

    Ho-Made sauce. For kitchens that need a little lovin.

    Ho-Made sauce. Don’t be hatin.

  27. Sandimama

    That would go great with a side of Mama Zuma’s Revenge Habanero Chips.

  28. Lady Estrogen

    Hahaha! Awesome 🙂

    That’s totally why I bought this too -> Anti Monkey Butt

  29. Janis@All Things Beautiful

    I got nothin’….but I am laughing hysterically!!! You ALL are funny, witty, and cracking’ me up! Glad to find your blog!!!

  30. Monica

    I’m wondering how many Ho’s it takes to make some of this Ho-Made stuff….

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, totally different meaning, and so clever (but totally gross) = AWESOME.

  31. Stacey at RealWorldMom

    This *almost* makes me want to buy a bottle… Just to sit it on the table and see what kind of reactions I get from the name! 😉

  32. Carrie

    Uh, what’s the problem here?

    That’s the special stuff we save for when we have HO DOWNS!

    (God I hope I didn’t copy any other comments with that comment because I didn’t read them all because I’m a bad commenter and well when I saw the word ‘ho’ I had to buzz right down and drop a comment on that bad boy.)

    And this is one more reason I love me some Bucket Head.

  33. Leighann

    You doing ho activities with ho tendencies to do what chu do screw what chu … Wait.
    This isn’t a ludacris post?

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