A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

The Ins and Outs of Shopping for Sex Toys

So apparently May is National Masturbation Month.

I know!

I just found out too. And that’s probably a good thing because between all the end-of-year class parties and recitals and Mother’s Day and my anniversary, etc., there was just no time for playing solitaire, if you know what I mean.

But since there are three more days left in the month of May, why not celebrate in style! Who’s with me? Raise your other hand if you agree.

Speaking of the One-Handed Watusi, did I ever tell you about the time I hosted a sex-toy party? (Yes, actually I did, but it was so X-Rated that I had to take it down to protect the innocent.)

Seriously, it was nuts.

some random drunk lady wearing a giant suction cupped dildo as a hood ornament

That's gonna leave a mark...

It’s incredible what kinds of things the kids are putting on the ends of suction cups these days. I bought one of those for my Mother In Law to hang a sun-catcher on her kitchen window, by the way.

Well I’ve written a Reader’s Digest version of my party for your perusal In The Powder Room today, so check it out. (Sorry, Reader’s Digest…I know you would never use the word clitoris multiple times in a blog post, but I couldn’t think of another analogy.)

Also, even though masturbation is typically done alone, I’ve brought a friend. You all know and love her as Kvetch Mom and she’s making all kinds of sexy noises in the next stall In The Powder Room today, so you’re welcome.

But see you back here tomorrow for a Wordless Wednesday you are not going to want to miss!

with (self) love,
-Leslie and/or Iris



  1. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    When I first moved here to suburbia, the way I met most of my neighbors was when one of them invited me to a sex toy party. I don’t think I even laughed so hard or blushed for so long in my LIFE.
    But at least I quickly discovered how funny the women in my new ‘hood were. And which ones I could say naughty things in front of. 😉

    • Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

      What a great way to cut through years of polite getting-to-know-you conversation!

  2. Lisa Hewitt

    My “party” experience was horrible. Yours looks like a hoot. I have already been all up itpr. Hysterical picture – just the tip tuesday?

  3. Michelle

    Love it! FYI, I drug my friends to a sex toy warehouse sale in February….nothing like a warehouse full of vibrators and lube!

  4. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    We goats don’t use toys. We use well, never mind.

  5. Emily

    I wish I lived in your neighborhood. I only get invited to Tupperware parties!

  6. Arnebya

    Self love, ha. I had no idea about the month of May and have therefore been involuntarily practicing masturbation procrastination. Dammit.

  7. Jester Queen

    Oh. This I must read. Sing Ha-yi-yi for national masturbation month!

  8. Catherine

    Thanks for the LOLs today, Leslie! Maybe I should have one of those parties…

  9. Kristin @ What She Said

    THIS I must check out.

    And LOL at “playing solitaire.”

  10. Jessica

    Oh my gosh you are so hilarious I don’t even know where to start. Seriously we couldn’t be more opposite and I just love you for it.

  11. JD @ Honest Mom

    Ah, crap. Too bad I just found out this month’s national observance. Cause I could have synced up reading 50 Shades of Gray with some new purchases.

    (Yes, I’m blushing while typing.)

  12. Marley C.

    Playing solitaire? One-handed Watusi? These are hysterically AWESOME! I can’t wait to use these expressions with my husband. BTW…is it sad that as a 41 year old woman I JUST learned what a “man in the boat” is? (The expression, NOT the anatomy)Was that discussed at the party?

  13. Marsha Owens

    Well, hell, I didn’t know May was National Masturbation Month either and here I missed nearly 30 days of it already! But apparently, THIS woman knew! Yikes!


  14. julie gardner

    ONE-handed watusi?


  15. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    There is a month for everything! As JD said, who needs a month with Shades of Grey on every woman’s night stand these days?

    As ever, you are hilarious.

  16. Rajean

    Yikes. I only have 14 hours left to make the most of this special month. Might I add, you’ve never looked lovelier than in that photo above. Had you been wearing that at the Erma conference when we met, our convo would have taken a decidedly different turn 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Bwahahaha! Too funny, Rajean! (Note to self, wear “Mr. Dependable” to next EBWW.)

  17. San Diego Momma

    How did I just find you when I see so many of my favorites already know you?
    What the hell, Internet?

    I came here by way of FB, and saw that you closed comments on your most recent posts, so I just wanted to say “I see you.”

    And I’ve never attended a sex-toy party. I’m a klutz and would put things in the wrong places and no one would ever talk to me again because I’m a nerd who acts like she’s 12. Is what I say in my head.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh God, don’t you hate when that happens?! It feels like your friends have been keeping a juicy secret from you…happens to me all the time. Well thanks for stopping by and for not accidentally inserting anything into the wrong orifices. That’s just awkward. But if you really are a nerd who acts like she’s 12, we might have to start dating.

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