A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

PetSmart and Bret Michaels team up to skankify your pets.

Just when I thought I had seen everything, I walk into PetSmart this week and see this:

Well, shut my sass hole.

Is there anything this man CAN’T do?

I mean, a musician, spokesperson for the American Diabetes Association, animal lover, AND a businessman? I thought reviving his career with the Rock of Love reality show was pretty damn genius. But the Rock of Love (Tour) Bus edition? Brilliant. And THEN…to compete for and actually WIN Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice (one month after suffering from a brain hemorrhage and a stroke!) Come on. Bret Michaels must be hiding the best brain ever under that signature bandana.ย 

Bret proved his business chops by winning Apprentice, clearly. And PetSmart is just the partner to get on that Love Bus and ride it into the sunset of ProfitTown, USA…now 25% off, while supplies last.

Because there is obviously a market for dressing your lapdog like a skank.ย 

Yes that’s right, it’s a lace-up corset tank with pink frilly trim, perfect for showing your little bitch who’s boss.

Or how about the black rocker tank with jeans combo? Crotchless of course:

Well, isn’t that special (said in my best Church Lady impersonation)…two matching embroidered white crosses on the back pockets, flanking her little doggie backdoor! Because nothing reminds me of the suffering my Lord and Savior endured on Golgotha like a pair of distressed ass-less chaps on my faithful canine companion. (That concludes the Church Lady inspired portion of our broadcast.)

But I think my favorite outfit is this one:

Oh yeah baby…nothing says COME like a black leather mini-skirt on your fur-baby. Bitches who dress like that can’t keep their paws off the Beggin’ Strip, if you know what I mean.

Maybe you’re thinking, I’m not into dressing my dog like a groupie. Don’t worry, Bret’s got you covered. His Pets Rock line also includes a variety of rock inspired toys, bowls, collars, leashes, and accessories.


Yes, I said accessories. For dogs. Like this.

Because all the cool dogs are wearing doo-rags, don’t you know. Keeps their hair out of their eyes while they ride their motorcycles. Also good for dogs with cornrows.


Hey, it takes all kinds. Dress your dog however you want. I’m just excited that our country’s economy is obviously on the upswing. Someday, when anthropologists look back on this period, I want them to see that the economy wasn’t as bleak as everyone said. I want them to note that there was a segment of the population who placed great emphasis on maintaining the rocker image of their four-legged friends.

And also, I want anthropologists to record the awesome power that rockers like Bret Michaels had over people far and wide.

…like this unsuspecting middle aged suburban housewife:

…who was clearly swept away by the sheer magnitude of Bret Michaels’ sex appeal.

What can I say? I’m just grateful I was wearing shorts and not a skirt or I might have whipped off my Hanes Her Way hipsters and flung them at his bandana wrapped head.

Even kids can’t resist the force that is Bret Michaels:


I know. Unfortunate height combo. I promise you, Ms. Child Welfare case worker, my son was not purposefully rubbing Bret’s tube sock holder.

Unless he was, and then I’ve got bigger problems.

Oh my God. Is my son a groupie?

Alright, people. Move along. There’s nothing to see here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to figure out how to attach this new doo-rag to my dog. It’s a much better look for him than the Hanna Anderssonย pa-jay-jays Grandma sent everyone the Christmas of 2008.

Don’t say it.ย Just don’t.

I know.



  1. Martha

    Oh dear, my friend, you make me laugh til I cry! The skankification of pets has begun in earnest!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Martha! “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion!” ~Truvy, Steel Magnolias

  2. Kris the Colts fan

    My dogs are nudists, otherwise they might be tempted to wear that skanky rocker crap.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Mine too. He hates when we put that Christmas onesie on him. HATES it.

  3. Rachel Fruitloop

    My parents dress their Min-Pin in T-shirts with “bitch” and “angel” slogans and bandanas. Also, hoodies. I’m thinking that leather mini-skirt number would look great on Miss Eva Peron, it’s not too early to start Christmas shopping for dogs, is it?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Not at all! And everything is 25% off! Go for it! (Miss Eva Peron! hahaha!)

  4. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    I must be a hippie rather than a groupie. All pets and kids are generally naked.

  5. Jody Brittain

    Oh my gosh! You just CRACK me up! Loved this post, because, I DO DRESS my pets..occassionally! HAHA

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hey, no judgement! Sing it with me: “It’s your PET, do what cha wanna do!”

  6. Christina

    LOL (double exclamation point) ….umm, first I’d like to say thank you Bearded Iris for your blog. I came across it by accident (but not accidentally) and I LOVE reading it….you are he~larious! *grin*

    Second, (giggle) I think your boy~o is going to okey dokey….no harm, no foul….HOWEVER; I think the dog is traumatized….does he still have to wear those pa-ja-jays???? Perhaps a plug-in of “calming scents” would do the trick!

    Again, thanks! Have a wonderful day….Christina

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well I don’t care how you get here, as long as you stay! So thanks for finding me and sticking around, Christina!

      Oh that dog is SO traumatized. The striped holiday jumper is just the icing on the cake for that crazy boy. He’s had a pretty tough life, actually. Did you ever hear about the time he was assaulted in my yard by a delivery person?

  7. Jester Queen

    Oh God. Not a combination I’d ever thought to see. And I’m so out of touch that I had no idea he had

    1) Competed on the Trumpathon
    2) Won that bad boy
    3) Actually recovered from the brain thing.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well then you are welcome! Yes, I try to keep my readers in the know about all the world’s most critical news stories and pet fashion trends. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Danielle

    OMG! That’s f-ing hilarious!!! I may have to run out and get my five doggies some sweet PWT dog accessories. Also, your dogs face in your Christmas card says it all!

    • The Bearded Iris

      I know, doesn’t it? That poor dog! I should really be ashamed of myself for putting him through that, but I’m not. He has eaten or chewed so many of my things over the years… payback is a bitch, Ike! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. Pauline (aspiringmama)

    SHUT MY SASS HOLE! I will be saying that ALL DAY NOW!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Love it! The pleasure is all mine, sassy lady!

  10. Kathleen

    You notice that his clothing line has nothing for cats, right? Because I don’t care if you ARE Bret Michaels, if you try to put a corset on a cat, she will rip your motherloving hand off. Great post!

    • The Bearded Iris

      WORD. Thanks Kathleen! My cat would eat my face off if I tried that shit with her.

  11. Emma

    Jeezus, Mary and Joseph…you are so funny! I think I might buy my pooch the crotchless jeans with the crosses on the pockets. Maybe the crosses will save her sass hole from being gang raped at the doggie park if we ever go again!

    • The Bearded Iris

      LMAO! Those doggie parks are dangerous places for skankified bitches. Long live the sass hole!

  12. Lisa Hewitt

    O.K. – I had to wait to type my comment – that is how hard I was laughing at this. Wonder if this would work for a cat? I can’t believe I am wondering that.

    • Carrie

      For the love of all things holy, Lisa!! A cat? You’re really gonna put THAT in her mind? You’re a brave, brave girl.

      There’s just waaaay too many different directions she can go with that. I might have to just stand on the sidelines, watch….and shake my head.


      • Lisa Hewitt

        Hey Carrie,
        I was thinking about my cat, but if she wants to, well who’s to stop her. Her “normal” life is just so damn funny. Who has that much fun at the damn Pet Smart. Iris does, that’s who. I just love that we are having a conversation about her on her blog!! Hey Iris – got them comments turned back on – Yeah – MUAH.
        and MUAH Carrie – through a surgical mask – (because you are still sick) otherwise -MUAH mask free

        • The Bearded Iris

          MUAH to you both! Thanks for talking about me in such a nice way!

          And now, in the voice of the Most Interesting Man in the World:

          I don’t always have fun in pet stores, but when I do, Bret Michaels shows up.

  13. Lady Estrogen

    Between you grabbing his tight man tit and your son’s
    “unfortunate height” different, I’m dying over here.
    I think my Stella wouldn’t mind being a little skanky – she totally can since she’s fixed anyway. Ahem.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ahem! You’re talking about your dog, right?

      • Lady Estrogen

        YES!!! Stella is my dog… not my uterus.

  14. Julie the Wife

    “Not purposely rubbing Bret’s tube sock holder”? That? Is sheer genius. I think I cried a little. Bravo.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hahaha! Thank you for getting that!

  15. Kirby Carespodi

    My dog Rusty passed away last week. Apparently, his 15 year-old heart couldn’t take the thought of seeing the neighbors’ Schnauzer in that can-can girl getup.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Kirby, I’m so sorry about your Rusty! ๐Ÿ™

  16. Becky

    *Slow clapping. Way to go American Idiots for creating a demand for this silliness. Seriously.

  17. Christina

    @ Becky ~ interesting insult that “American Idiots” statement is….I get the gist, but my question is: how is it that many countries have picked up American idiosyncrasies? Hmm…let’s give some examples….our slang, our style, and other stupid American silliness……ah! let’s not forget dressing our pets…..no worries, shiela….I’m just being silly ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. Anna

    Obviously, I have underestimated Brett Michaels reach and appeal in the world. Slutty dog clothes, have mercy. I did not see that coming but somehow, it makes sense – lol! Love the pictures you included on this one and that family photo at the end – LOVE IT!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Anna! He really is a force of untold magnitude. ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Carrie

    Sass hole AND skankify in the same post.

    I must have died and then shot straight up to high heaven!

    However, I was rather disappointed when I saw your pic and you were so, so…well, tame in it. No crotch cradeling. No nip licking. No nothing.

    Just a cheap boob grope.

    Then lo and behold heeeeere comes ol’Bucket Head.


    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, seriously, I was thinking about doing SO MUCH more with Bret, but my daughter was taking the picture and I did not want to set a bad example for what to do to aging rockers in pet stores. Also, the two young gals working the registers were watching (and giggling, at, not with), and I like to be a good role model for the kids today (except for my whole, oh, nobody’s going to see me at PetSmart! I can just go in these old clothes with no makeup thing, geez.)

      Oh that Bucket Head! He is such a ham bone! I do not know what I’m going to do when he goes to Kindergarten next month. Oh yes I do. PAR-TAY!

  20. Ninja Mom

    And now I know what to get you this Christmas! Crotchless pa-jay-jays for the dog and a book about the groupie life for Bucket Head.

    Where’s my lighter, I feel the need to spark it up and hold it aloft. Bret, you wily marketeer!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yes please! My dog and I are both size L in the pa-jay-jay realm. Crotchless please.

  21. Vanessa

    Poor dog! My dogs are the same way about christmas doggie clothing. They always look so unhappy no matter what I bribe them with.

    However! I do LUV the corset. I got a whole halloween get-up planned now. All my three kids dressed up as cowboy/girls and my pit mix will be the saloon girl.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You go girl! Your pit mix will look SO hot! PLEASE, I beg of you, send me a photo! ๐Ÿ™‚

  22. MrsFatass

    Holy crapballs, I was JUST in Petsmart YESTERDAY looking at this and my Woodson (an 80 pound lab/boxer puppy) was all “Pleaaaaassssseee Mom? I promise not to chew another Barbie! I’ll let you sleep past 6 on Saturday! Please? PLEEEEEAAAASE??” and because he’s a beast I didn’t whip out my camera phone to document the cray cray. I’m so glad you did. Hilarious!

  23. meghan

    thank you, just thank you.

  24. The Bearded Iris

    You’re welcome! And thank YOU for being here, Meghan!

  25. Abby

    This is absolutely the funniest thing I’ve read in forever. However, I’m holding your personally responsible if my keyboard craps out, because I totally just sprayed it with coffee. From my nose.

    Thanks for the laughs, lady. ๐Ÿ™‚

  26. Kelly Jo

    1) Apparently Bret figured that he had spread the skankiness to enough women–you know, gotta make sure the dogs had their share of the herpes fun. Geez…
    2) I don’t know what you’re talking about your dog being traumatized — he looks OVER THE MOON to be wearing those stripey jams –nothing says “obviously thrilled” like a look of vague disinterest!

  27. Handflapper

    Ooh, my husband’s dog NEEDS that leather skirt. It can’t make her any more skankilicious than she already is, and it’ll cover up her bald patch. Bonus feature!

  28. Expat Mum

    All I can say is…I wish I had his agent! (Well, there were lots of other things going through my mind at the same time; most unrepeatable.)

  29. One Funny Motha

    Love “b/c all the cool dog are wearing doo rags.” I’m crying.

  30. Terrie

    At least sweet ‘ole Bucket Head didn’t pull out that OTHER goodie from his Bag-O-Tricks when he meets new/strange dogs and their people…yeah, I’m talking ’bout the face-plant, sniff-a-roni move straight into said Stranger’s JUNK! Because nothing says “Let’s be Friends” like a good old fashioned crotch (or arse) Southern HOWDY!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      SO TRUE! (Although, that would have been quite an awesome photo op and/or he would have been swooped up by social services and placed in foster care by now.)

  31. debi

    I am laughing over your comments. I am one of the designers of the Brett Michaels “Pet’s Rock” collection and it’s a very fun project to work on. Hopefully now that it’s had it’s ‘hard’ opening (a retail industry term) we’ll see banner sales and I’ll get to keep my job! ha ha. J/K it’s just a smal portion of what we do over here, but glad to see it’s making a splash!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OhmyGOD, Debi, hilarious! Thank you for stopping by to say hello! I can only imagine what your research must have been like to design such accurate Bret-inspired pieces. Did you get to meet him? (SWOON!) Go to concerts and chill with his groupies? What a HOOT!

  32. debi

    “small” portion – the pitfalls of typing TOO fast!

  33. Rokkie at Please Be Chocolate

    Oh, Bret Michaels. *shakes head with eyes closed*

    I have no comment other than you and your family continue to be all sorts of adorableness. I honestly love the matching PJs your kids + fur-kid are in.

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