A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

ERMAHGERD: The Preparing for BlogHer’12 Edition

In 6 days I will be descending upon New York City for the BlogHer ’12 conference.

I will beΒ meeting a lot of bloggers that I’ve gotten to know and love over the past four years and I’m really excited about it.

I mean REALLY excited.

But I’m a little worried that some of the online friends I’ll be meeting won’t recognize me in person. So I just wanted to give you a sneak peak of what I’ll probably look like when you see me at the Hilton…

Just in case you don’t speak “ERMAHGERD,” that’s me saying “Oh my God…the BlogHer Guidebook.” (And if you don’t speak ERMAHGERD, dude…get with the program. It’s like only the most awesome Internet meme in the history of Internet memes, IMHO.)

So about that BlogHer conference guide, it’s pretty freaking awesome. Do you have yours yet? You can get it here if you don’t. I also highly recommend the BlogHer ’12 mobile app. Both of these items are really helping to alleviate some of my stress about the logistics of this enormous conference.

Also, I just want to put it out there that I’m really hoping to meet Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. I’ve heard she has some social anxiety issues though, so I’m mentally preparing myself that she might not be very easy to approach, particularly by a blogger who looks like this:



But maybe if any of you know her and could introduce me, that would be super swell.

I too have some pretty severe social anxiety challenges which is why I used to be such a booze whore. At least when I was drunk, I could blame the hooch when I said really inappropriate things. Now that I’m on the wagon, I have no excuses.

So Jenny, I apologize in advance if we meet and I ask you if my camel toe looks fat or I tell you that you smell really good, like a unicorn in the sun who just ate a rainbow cupcake.

You know, on second thought, I’ll just wave at Jenny from across the room. It’s fine. Really.

If you are going to BlogHer next week, and you’re not too afraid of me dry humping your leg or smelling your ponytail, please do say hello! We can speak ERMAHGERD together and put bags on our heads and dance the night away.

ERMAHGERD, did I just say that out loud?

Maybe I’ll just stay home and read about #BlogHer12 on The Twitter instead.


Special thanks to my daughter Mini-Me for creating my braces out of aluminum foil and a blue Sharpie! That girl has skills. And also, mad props to my husband for being able to take these pics without making them too blurry because he was laughing so hard he was shaking. (Bless his heart…it can’t be easy being married to a hot mess like me.)

And one more thing, my friend Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures is awesome, and not just because she speaks ERMAHGERD with me (frequently). She cracks me up and her happy avatar makes me smile every time I see it. Go get some of that, wouldja?


  1. Jana (@jana0926)

    Sweet goodness those pictures are great!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Jana πŸ™‚ If you pretend you don’t know me at the airport on Sunday, I’ll totally understand.

      • Jana (@jana0926)

        Hahah! I’ll pretend I know you. You may need a leash though.

  2. B

    Sorry to burst your bubble, the Bloggess is taking her progeny to a conference and won’t be at BlogHer. At least that’s what she’s saying….

    anway, if you’re swinging thru the burgh’ on your way to NYC stop and have a drink with me!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Really? Ok, phew, that actually takes so much pressure off me. Now I don’t have to worry about dry humping her leg or dealing with the embarrassment of her filing a restraining order against me, etc.

      And yes, next time I come home, we’re meeting up at Primanti’s for a pastrami and cheese. Damn skippy, we are!

      • B


        and I would be so super excited to meet her too. Her tour didn’t/isn’t coming to PGH though.

        Have a great time!

  3. allison

    ermahgerd, yer so ersome! (did I do that right?). I’m going to BlogHer, but I’m majorly socially awkward so if I just peer at you from around pillars, be kind, kay?

    • The Bearded Iris

      I will freak the freak out if anyone peers at me and doesn’t approach, Allison! Seriously, don’t do that to a bitch like me. I’ll totally assume you are making fun of me for my ferocious BO or facial hair. PLEASE. For the love of God. Say hello and/or goose me, m’kay?!

      • HouseTalkN

        Do it, Allison. My first IRL interaction with The Bearded One opened with her goosin’ me!
        Kerry at HouseTalkN

  4. hollow tree ventures

    Ermahgerd, erts meh, Rerbyrn, frem Herrler Treer Verntures!
    ::spits retainer out::

    These are beyond high-larious, and if it were possible they make me wish even more that I was going to be at BlogHer ’12 so we could hang out – I could’ve totally been your wingman when you met Der Blerggerss, yelling, “That’s what she said” over your shoulder intermittently no matter what your conversation was about. And thanks a million for the shout-out – it makes me tingly in a borderline inappropriate way to be friends with such an awesome lady. πŸ™‚

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ermahgerd, Rerbyrn, see, that’s what I mean. Yer ser fernny!

  5. Lady

    Haha. Lost in Idaho got me hooked on Ermahgerd! I sporatically say it and hubs thinks I’m insane. Meh. Nothing new πŸ˜‰

    Cannot WAIT to see you!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ert really ers erdderctive, ersn’t ert?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh, and expect leg humping. I’m just saying.

  6. One Funny Motha

    This is perfect. Now I’ll be able to find you in the crowd. You look great btw. Hope to see you there.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Looking forward to meeting you! I hope you will be carrying a Mr. Potato Head so I can recognize you.

  7. Nicole

    Holy crap. I think I peed a little. I’m going to have to tackle you at BlogHer. Please don’t report me, I hate when that happens.

    • The Bearded Iris

      What happens at BlogHer stays at BlogHer. Tackle away! (I’ll wear my cup.)

  8. Julie the Wife

    Hubby tried to surprise me with tix to BlogHer, which I’ve been telling him I want to attend for about four years, and then figured out it’s the same day as my mom’s birthday party in Omaha. FUCK! So I’m missing yet another BlogHer. It just keeps taunting me.

    But I did reserve my rooms for Blissdom ’13, and I will be honored if you dry hump my leg in Dallas. I, in return, will overshare about my varicose veins and how my support undergarments are making me vaginally itchy. Then we can make videos together to post on The Bloggess’ Twitter account. “JOIN US OR BLOCK US” will be our motto. And we shall dance. Oh yes. We shall dance…

    Oh. Um. Yeah. So I hope to conference with you someday. Did I oversell it?

  9. Kat

    I will pay you $5 dollars for every leg you dry hump upon first impression. No saying hello, just cling and hump.

    See you at Blogher!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      You have yourself a deal, lady. I’m going to need a one of those click-counters the umpires wear so I can keep track of how many hump-dollars you owe me. And you’re on my short list, Kat, so make sure you shave your legs.

  10. RachRiot

    ERMAHGERD, LERSLIE– guess what?! I *actually* met the Bloggess at her book signing and I have the picture to prove it, which I will let you look at for a small fee. Maybe your daughter can Photoshop your head onto mine and no one will be the wiser. Also, I hugged her too long and asked loudly, “Who do I need to blow in order to get on your blogroll?” before security escorted me out. She laughed! But never answered my question. Have fun anyway! I wish I was going to BlogHer.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hahaha! OMG, I just snorted. That is totally something I would say and do. So glad I’m not the only one. (Did she smell like unicorn?)

      • RachRiot

        She smelled like a taxidermied rainbow. In other words, heavenly…

  11. Miss Music Nerd

    Hey there! I have been meaning to get off my ass and go to BlogHer for years, and you might just have given me the nudge to finally do it! I just have to check with the management to see if the finances will work…

    I would love to meet you and I promise I smell pretty good most of the time. And by the way, I just moved from Boston to Pittsburgh. People who don’t know Pgh at all assume it’s dull and Midwestern, but honestly, I don’t know if I’m hip enough for this place — there are tattoos and dyed hair and hipster glasses everywhere I look!


    • The Bearded Iris

      Pittsburgh is the SHIZ, yo. It is definitely not boring. Please tell me you have had a Primanti’s sandwich. If I lived in Pgh again I would go there weekly.

      If you are anywhere near Bloomfield, go visit Dreaming Ant video rentals and tell my friend Dean I said hello! If you like interesting movies, that is THE place to go. Very artsy, very unique. Support small business! πŸ™‚

  12. Lisa Hewitt

    Please for the love of all things vaginese – photobomb Martha Stewart, pretty, pretty please. Or I double-dog dare you??? Whichever just damn that would be ermahgerd!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dude, you KNOW that is on my short list, right? I already have a plan and everything. Mwhahahaha!

  13. Lisa L

    Every day must be a wild ride at your house! I want you to be my sister, friend whatever, and I’d even let you dry hump my leg!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw! Really? That is awesome. It’s never a dull moment, that’s for sure. The best part though is that my kids don’t even flinch when I turn the corner dressed like that or say to one of them “Hey, can someone make me some braces?” They don’t even ask why. They are really good sports!

      And thank you for the humpvatation! πŸ™‚

  14. Sue at Wub Boo Mummy

    Ermahgerd ther Berderd Erers ermahgerderferd hehrserlf. Thernks fer jerning ther mervemernt.
    Yer lerk gergers.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Er, thernk YER fer bering ser FERN! Er lerve yer enthersiersm.

  15. Muffintopmommy

    Just….pass me the Poise pad already bc I just peed mah Hanes Her Way granny pants.

    Am I the only one who wants to corner Martha to find out once and for all how you fold a god dang fitted sheet? No? Just me. Good. More Martha for mah muffin top.

    Giddyup! Can’t wait to see ya Thurs…I don’t have social anxiety but em, I’m starting to think I should? πŸ™‚

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dude. I totally know how to make a fitted sheet my bitch. Let’s meet at the chamber maid cart and I’ll give you a free lesson.

      • Arnebya

        Can I just say I googled that a year or so ago and found a fucking Martha Stewart HOW TO? THE INTERWEBS IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE OF SOLIDARITY AND SHEET TUTORIALS!

        • The Bearded Iris

          So true. You can learn ANYTHING on the WWW. I know how to crochet now and deliver a baby in a moving cab. Thank you Al Gore!

  16. Jenn

    Yer hersbernd’s awersome fer serporting…um…”yer?”

    Mine would be all, “BlogHer? SERIOUSLY? You want to spend money to go to a BLOGGING conference?” Which is why I take the liberty to make fun of him copiously in my blog posts.

    Merjerly jerlous.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh girlfriend, my husband only agreed to let me go after I was selected to be a BlogHer Voice of the Year AND found a sponsor. There is no way in H-E-double-fucksticks he was going for this before those two things happened. He’s a great guy, but NYC is really damn expensive and we are on a very tight budget. So don’t feel bad, sister. I can terterly relate!

  17. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    Shit. You’re even more beautiful than I thought. How will I keep my hands off of you next weekend?

    • The Bearded Iris

      You better NOT keep your hands off me. I’m planning to shave my pits and everything!

      I’m secretly hoping I am short enough to stand right at your nipple height for some really fun photo ops. We might have to recreate the TIME magazine cover. Bring a black tank top.

      • JD @ Honest Mom

        ERMAHGERD. My kids are giving me funny looks for laughing out loud.

        TWO DAYS after today and IT’S ON!

  18. Abbie

    I have already contacted The Bloggess, (we’re tight like that and she just ignores my tweets and comments because her ignoring me is our “thing”) and asked her to please send a “double” to BlogHer wearing that wolf thingy that Ga-Ga stole.
    If you agree to be my “mentor” for BlogHer (explaination here http://www.blogher.com/blogher-conference-and-when-did-i-lose-faith-myself) I will GO to BlogHer and help you “hunt” for The (fake) Bloggess. I figure since I am a providing us with entertainment and you don’t drink you can also bail me out of jail, (I am always planning for any possible scenario and hunting a fake Bloggess wearing Lady Ga-Ga’s wolf coat may land me in jail, but think of the blog post we will both have!)
    I would also like a pact, (if you agree to be my BlogHer mentor, go hunting for The Blogess with me, bail me out of jail for previous mentioned activity) that you will not post your version of the story once I am free and have internet access.

    πŸ˜‰ He, he, he…

    • The Bearded Iris

      I will be your BlogHer mentor, but I cannot guarantee that I will bail you out of any tricky situations. Even when I’m sober, I’m more of a trouble-magnet than a trouble-protector.

      Get the ticket already!

  19. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    I am not allowed to go to BlogHer because goats are not allowed. CAN YOU IMAGINE SUCH A THING?! Harumph.
    The publicist cannot go because she has to take care of me. And well the other goats.
    You should hear her bitch.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I will miss seeing you both. I think a goat at BlogHer would be really fun and totally take the pressure off me to smell good.

  20. Arnebya

    This shit here? ERMAHGERD!

    • The Bearded Iris

      WERD. (Shit being the operative word.)

  21. Heather W

    Terk me werth yer!!!! Plerse?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Come on! I’ll sneak you in my suitcase. You can pay me in Magic Cream.

      • Heather W

        Awww yeah.

  22. Cathy Flynn

    I am so jealous that The Bloggess might be getting a little leg dry humping from you. I have a leg. I actually have two of them. Unfortunately I won’t be going to BlogHer ’12, so I’ll just have to keep fantasizing about a virtual leg dry hump from you.

    • The Bearded Iris

      It’s probably way better in your head than it would be in real life anyway, so let’s just pretend we did it and laugh about how much fun it was! (And I hear Jenny isn’t even going to be there, so let’s just pretend that happened too.)

  23. Leigh Ann

    This seriously made my day on Facebook. And I have mad BlogHer envy!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw, I’m sorry you aren’t going to be there Leigh Ann! I am looking forward to meeting you some day. But glad I could contribute to your FB time with my shenanigans! πŸ™‚

  24. Jen

    OMG!!!! You will be at BlogHer?! No way!

    You told me once that wouldn’t go there… you were to shy or some shit.

    You were just lying to me b/c I am totally your Super Fan and I want to hug your neck and dance with you and maybe have your babies?

    (Um, did I take it too far?)

    Anyway, see you at BlogHer. πŸ™‚

    • The Bearded Iris

      You’re right, I did say I wasn’t going. I actually really didn’t want to go. I’m not shy, I’m just easily spooked by big crowds, loud noises, and girl drama. And last February when everyone was buying their early bird tickets and booking rooms, I had JUST given up my beloved boxed wine and was in an absolute panic about how I would ever survive in public without my happy juice.

      It’s pretty amazing what 6 months of sobriety can do for a gal, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post! Anyway, girl, we are going to dance like there is no tomorrow! And yes, have my babies! Which one(s) do you want? πŸ˜‰

      Can’t wait to meet you Jen!

  25. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    You just killed me with sexy. Ellen

    • The Bearded Iris

      Noooooo – don’t die! I will miss you and our vagina talk!

  26. Ali

    ermahgerd. er have nerver heard of ermahgerd berfer, bert, erm lerving ert.

    seriously addicting. added meme generator app on my phone and have ermahgerdified my husband and kids. just need to find my old big glasses and braces pics and i’m all set.

    herp to ser yer at blergher!!!

  27. CK

    O-ME-GAUD… I peed myself laughing! I somehow got entangled in the interweb and came across your website – it’s freaking hilarious! I will be back!!!

  28. Jamie@SouthMainMuse

    Glad you cleared up the braces question. They looked to real. Have a great time. And give Jenny a wave for me.

  29. Vicki @ Crowning Victoria

    ERMAGERD this is FABERLOUS!!!!!!!!!!

    please tell me you’re bringing these mad skills to the dance floor at Sparklecorn?

  30. Jenny, Bloggess

    Now I’m seriously disappointed I’m not going to Blogher this year.

    • The Bearded Iris

      ER…MAH…GERD! Bwahahahaha! Jenny?! You came! You saw! You commented!

      Berst. Der. Erver!

  31. El Guapo

    Have a blast at the convention!
    I have to ask – were you talking like that while they were taking pictures?
    And did you stop after you changed back?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you! And yes, I totally was talking like that the whole time. I can’t NOT talk like that with the “braces” in. Also, I definitely had to give it a rest without the costume…I don’t want to annoy my family (too much). ERMAHGERD girl is better in small doses, I think. πŸ™‚

  32. Mel at According to Mags

    Crap! Now I have to go re-pack my outfits. I will strive for this hotness. πŸ™‚

    This is HI-LAR-IOUS!!!

  33. Simone

    Jenny is really sweet. She even pretended like she recognized my name from the thousands of comments she gets per blog. Have fun!

  34. OldDogNewTits

    Leslie, you look “amazing.” Please have your daughter fashion you a head or neckgear before the conference. Although, I might experience a little PTSD at the sight.

    Holy crap. This is the finest assembly of online personalities that this girl has ever seen. Jenny, I’m truly sorry you won’t be hanging with us at the Conf. (That’s my attempt at cool blogger jargon. Please feel free to use it liberally.) Can we Skype you into a party or something?

    To Leslie and the rest of you, I truly hope I’m able to find everyone this weekend. I’ll be easy to spot as I’m the only girl stupid enough to put ‘tits’ in her name and then not actually have them. (Long story.) And I promise to wear something that makes me look like an asshole at some point. (Great. Now I HAVE to do it.)

    P.S. I registered myself on the Blogher app … so look me up! Tag me! Chip me! Do WTF we’re supposed to be doing with it. (Comment key: W= Whatever)

  35. Ado

    OMG, You’ve been Bloggessed! Can I have YOUR autograph?! (-:
    See you at Blogher. (-:

  36. rose

    good luck at the blog fest! Love the pictures – very graphic!

  37. Amanda @ Werdyab

    O to the M to the G. This is freaking hysterical. The photos are pure awesomeness.

    And I love Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures, too! πŸ™‚

    • hollow tree ventures

      I love your face – MuuUUUAH!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Amanda! Well, I can’t dance and sing like you can, but I can rock the funny faces! πŸ™‚

  38. Amanda @ Werdyab

    I don’t know, Leslie… I’ve seen you dance and sing, and let me tell you, Not.Too.Shabby. We should totally collaborate on a song and dance extravaganza since you basically live right down the road from me… not that I’ve been stalking you or anything… cause, you know, that’d be weird… and probably ruin my chances for a song and dance extravaganza… and I take that shit very seriously.

    • The Bearded Iris

      DEAL! I’ll be your backup dancer!

      Hey, I traveled home from BlogHer with another local blogger (Jana’s Thinking Place) and we were talking about doing some kind of ATL blogger party or girls’ night out. Let’s plan something as soon as the ankle biters go back to school!

  39. megryansmom

    Next year….you and my unshaved leg in Chicago baby!

    • The Bearded Iris

      It’s a date, sister! Bring your beaver too. (What you guys?! She really has a stuffed beaver. She entered it into the Inappropriate Elf Contest and that’s how we met!)

  40. Jessica B

    ERMAHGERD I almost just peed myself.
    If I read your blog everyday I think I will be a happier (and wetter) person. Thanks for making me laugh out loud like, constantly. πŸ™‚

  41. Roshni

    I’m so very sad now that I didn’t attend the conference last year!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      There’s always this year! Chicago is lovely in July (NOT!). Actually, if you are new to the whole blogging conference circuit, this is NOT the first conference for you. Start smaller. This conference eats bloggers alive. It is ridonkulously massive and frightening.

      • Roshni

        Thanks so much! Yes, I think I’ll give it a miss this year and look for something smaller. I’m pretty much an introvert so I’m kind of hoping that conferences aren’t necessary even though the whole world knows otherwise! πŸ˜€

        • The Bearded Iris

          You know, I’m not even sure if conferences really ARE all that necessary. I honestly believe I did more harm than good to myself at every conference I attended last year because I am SUCH a total spaz. Truly, my blog was much more popular and successful before I ever left home. If you don’t want to go to conferences, don’t go. They actually kind of suck. True story. Just keep doing what you’re doing and build relationships through commenting and via social media. That’s probably much more effective than any conference. πŸ™‚

          • Roshni

            ha! I can hardly believe that you were a spaz….but then, I recall all those get-togethers where I’ve made a total fool of myself because I keep blabbering when I’m nervous, and I feel you may have a point that people may start disassociating from me if I went! πŸ˜€
            Okay, thanks so much….that’s lifted a big load off of my mind!! πŸ™‚

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