A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

NYC, Thongs, Offensive Analogies, and Some Eye Candy

Well I’m just back from NYC and have lots to tell you about my exciting/painful/star-studded/harrowing/grope-tastic/hilarious/exhausting/potentially-life-threatening journey to BlogHer and back, but that will have to wait for later this week because I’m about as tired as the mauve-accented linoleum that still graces my circa 1993 master bathroom.

(No, we haven’t finished that sucker yet. I know. Shameful.)

So instead, I have not one but “TWO-TWO-TWO-for-the-price-of-one!” posts up at In The Powder Room this week that you are certainly going to enjoy if you are a fan of things like lady bits and/or the F-bomb. Because I know what you cheeky-monkeys like and I am a fast motherfucking learner. ‘Nuff said.

But before you go, here’s some eye candy as a parting gift:

Aren’t my business cards fabulous? Especially THERE! Day-um.

No, that’s not my spectacular rack/card holder. It belongs to one of my fun blogging sister-wives who was gracious enough to let me store some personal items all up in her boobness while I rifled through my ginormous purse for a cheeseburger. Sort of. Whatever. You know what, forget that part, just bask in the majesty of that glorious anonymous cleavage and then go read my smut In The Powder Room, m’kay?



  1. Arnebya

    Damn. If you’d’ve tried that on me that bitch would’ve fallen straight to the floor. Womp womp womp.

  2. Domestic Goddess

    You are the most delightful person to be around..I feel bad for anyone who didn’t get to meet you, spend time with you, and get stuck in an elevator with you. I had planned to beat you over the head in a side alley and steal your leopard heels but you were so damn lovable I couldn’t bear to do anything but smoosh you. xo DG

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, seriously, I love you long time. I will definitely bring my leopard FMPs to the next conference and you can borrow them, no beating required. Walking around the expo hall with you and Jen is one of my fondest memories. You are like the Swag Whisperer. I want to come to your house and listen to you imitate your former MIL for hours. Promise?

  3. Ninja Mom

    DYing. DYING! So awesome and funny and next year I might let you put your card in my Mother’s Apron. (That looks exactly as foul typed out as it sounded in my head.)

  4. Leslie

    I found your blog when I was going to transplant some bearded iris into my garden. It took about half of a post before I realized you are one of my people. I’ve gone through your archives while I breastfeed and try my damnedest not to disturb my son as I’m shaking with laughter. You’re fabulous and I think I love you.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wow, it took that long? 😉 I get some of the funniest gardener/readers that way. I think babies whose mothers are laughing during breastfeeding probably grow up to have awesome senses of humor. Glad you’re here and I’m looking forward to getting to know you better!

  5. JD @ Honest Mom

    When I saw that picture being crafted, I thought – oh, I can’t wait to see THAT turn up on Leslie’s blog. And here it is. And here I am, giggling.

    Was so great to meet you and spend a little time with you. You are as funny and adorable and kind live and in-person as I knew you’d be. 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      ERMAHGERD, JD. Stop before I start hysterically laugh/crying again. Seriously. I may need to be medicated until I can recover from all the highs and lows that comprises BlogHer.

      I absolutely LOVED meeting you and getting to hang out at the hotel bar with you guys. Or in the words of my friend Kerry of HouseTalkN, “You are so cute, I just want to breastfeed you.”

  6. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    Words fail me. Can’t wait to cry-laugh with you in person again. Mwah!

  7. Alexandra

    Glad you enjoyed it. BlogHer is a wild ride and so hard to put into words. It’s an experience.


  8. Abby

    You picked the perfect pair. Your card would’ve disappeared in my cleavage. Like, we’re talking a search party, head lamps and a very complicated pulley system would have been involved to retrieve said card.

  9. OldDogNewTits

    Hey, great meeting you last weekend. I think I recognize those boobs. Awesome.

    Can’t tell you how many people checked out my “rack.” It’s an occupational hazard when you call yourself ODNT. Maybe I’ll do something in time for next year. And you guys will be welcome to store anything you want in there. We won’t even have to bring purses. Shit, maybe I can even leave my suitcase at home!

    A girl can dream ….

  10. Christine @ Quasi Agitato

    It was nice watching you get naked…I mean, meeting you…however briefly on Thursday.
    And I just wanted to commiserate about nasty bathrooms. Ours is that pepto bismol pink tile that I THINK may date back to the 40s or 50s. It makes me sad. At the moment, I can only dream of demo day. But dream I will. And, when it comes, I’ll be the first one in there with a sledge hammer.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Lawd, I just fished this comment out of my spam folder…I guess “It was nice watching you get naked” is a red flag to the kind folks at Akismet. But nice to meet you too, Christine! And sorry about the nudity. I hope it wasn’t shortly after you had just eaten anything.

      What were those people in the 50s thinking with that Pepto Pink?

  11. John

    How the heck did I miss you?!

    And when does the tired leave? Because I’m still feeling like I felt at the end of sparklecorn (too drunk for the amount of alcohol I’ve had, feeling like I’ve been fighting insomnia for the past 37 days).

    • The Bearded Iris

      Dude, I’m still so tired too! I cannot for the life of me construct a simple blog post. I’m sorry I missed you! 5000+ bloggers is insanity.

  12. Sasha

    I am so jealous since I wasn’t at BlogHer this year….but next year? I’m so there. And you can use my very nice rack to store things in, too. My lipstick, cell phone and money always get stored in my bra, so I’m thinking a few business cards wouldn’t be a problem. And my Tater starts school in 17 days…..I’ll be crying for sure. Found your from the fab blog at Let Me Start by Saying about your elevator trip ~ and am so glad I did!

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