A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Fifty Shades of Slap-Yo-Mama Hilarity

I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey.

I realize this probably qualifies me as someone who is living under that proverbial rock, but so be it.

Because I am never going to read Fifty Shades of Grey.

And that’s final.

My reasons are two fold:1.) I have been warned by an untold number of people that I will not be able to stomach the dreadful writing.

2.) My Mom came to visit last May and was carrying her own, either very travel-damaged or enthusiastically dog-eared, paperback copy of it.

Yeah. Just go ahead and let that soak in for a few seconds.  ::shudder::

I actually kind of wanted to read Fifty Shades when she was done just for the pop-culture references, but I just couldn’t risk the possibility of finding pages that were stuck together.

I mean, come on! Sex is all fine and good until it’s your Mom. Then it’s just super creepy and gross. Face it, there is only one appropriate response to the notion of our parents’ sexuality and that is:

::hands over ears, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!::

Can I get a witness?

No, I prefer my deviant sex (reading) with a side of belly laughs, thankyouverymuch. And I suspect I’m not the only one.

Which is why, when a certain Fifty Shades parody from the male point of view came across my desk last week, I just KNEW it was going to be a runaway smash.

So without any further ado, please treat yourself to what is by far the funniest thing I have read all week: Let me be your Mr. Grey by the incomparable Glen, aka Regular Guy, of In The Powder Room.

And when you’re done with that, if you like it as much as I did, I would strongly encourage you to head on over to Glen’s other place of business and read The A to Z of why you should sleep with me. Honestly, I read it for the first time last April and have not been able to get it out of my head since then, it is *that* funny.

Happy funny/naughty reading, friends!




  1. mrs.frisbie

    The writing is horribly distracting to anyone who has ever read anything else of the English language, but your biggest hurdle is that you would not get through it without giggling and snorting.

    I heard through the grapevine that my mother is reading it. She hasn’t mentioned it and I don’t intend to ask her about it. “lalalalalalaaaaaa”

  2. Julie

    The only reason I read it? A friend shoved the books at me and insisted. I figured that as long as I wasn’t paying actual money to obtain the books, I was in some way less responsible for whatever smut played in my head or happened to come out of my mouth.

    The. Writing. SUCKS. My 7-year old writes better than that. Thankfully, I have the disturbing ability to enter a book and live the parts, rather than being a casual observer via the written word. Of course, the Red Room of Pain in my head is more an oxblood shade of reddish burgundy, but that’s neither here nor there.

    I was happy to give the books back. At least I know what I almost missed – sigh.

  3. Beth

    I’ll give you one worse. My mother-in-law was reading it this spring when they came for my daughter’s graduation. She was on the second book. Second to last day they were here she asked me to help her with her Kindle, she was trying to get it to connect to our wi-fi so she could download the 3rd book. (She was reading this at night in our guest room!GAH!) Then it got even more uncomfortable, she asked me to help her with my father-in-law’s Kindle too. She was trying to get the second book downloaded to his Kindle from her account and couldn’t get it to work. Imagine the squick factor when you know BOTH of your in-laws are in your guest room reading this and probably getting all old-people horny?

    • mrs.frisbie

      Ick!! Ick!! Ick! lol

  4. Simone

    Hahahahah – I refuse to read the books, not just because “everyone else is reading them” – I read Twilight and Hunger Games. I simply cannot stand the idea of middle-aged women reading about S&M and thinking that’s hot and sexy. Ewww.

    Usually when the media supports something so strongly, it’s just a brainwashing campaign. Used to be Prince Charming, now it’s Mr. Grey and Vampires… Read – for God’s sake – please read, but also know that Mr. Grey does not exist. Nor does Mr. Darcy, Edward Cullen, or Fonzie.

    Thanks for sharing that post–Regular Guy is a funny and smart man.

  5. rootietoot

    Red Room of Pain? Seriously? I guess you’re not the only one living under a rock. I like it here. There’s wine and chocolates.

  6. HouseTalkN

    My life is full of all kinds of sexy! I’m not going to ruin it with 50 Shades of Smut!

  7. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    I’ll raise my hand. I read it. All three in fact. Yes, the writing is abysmal. The content was smutty. And, once again, the writing. Oh the writing! But, I can somehow read (and even enjoy) books that are written poorly. In my entire reading life there are only 2 books I haven’t finished once started: “Catch-22,” (because I dropped it from a moving train,) and “The Confederacy of Dunces,” (because I wanted to brain myself I hated it so much,). Other than that, once I crack the cover, I have to finish it.

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, an old boyfriend of mine bought and shipped Confederacy of Dunces to me years ago, swearing I would LOVE IT and that I HAD TO READ IT! I just could not get into that book for the life of me. I never finished it either and I hate not finishing books.

  8. Outofthebox

    I can’t bring myself to read them, after getting a preview of the top ten quotes. 75% of them mention some inner goddess doing the tango or some stupid crap. No thanks. I’d rather sacrifice brain cells to Vodka than to such mindless, unimaginative imagery. You have to be choosy about these things, you know.

  9. Glen

    I have now read it.

    No idea what happens in the story but if you skim through quick enough there are some proper good naughty bits!!!

    And thank you

  10. Allysgrandma

    I am also under a rock. My 33-year old daughters entire book club read it and not one said they like it, but then who would admit to it?? Haha. I did not manage my book club selection this month and thankfully missed group night being in Temecula, California; it was A Passage to India. Ugh, I am in a book club full of educated Mormon wives…….me being the only non-Mormon or the only Catholic in the group. They would NEVER pick 50 shades of Gray, but some woman at work is reading it and said she would let me borrow it. I didn’t know how to say no thanks since I just started to work and didn’t want to immediately piss anyone off by acting like I am above naughty porn. But I can tell you red room of pain does not sound sexy to me at all. I mean I understand the whole pain/pleasure line thingee, but S&M?? No thank you.

  11. Kirby Carespodi

    Not going to read Fifty Shades of What the Hey? myself…eeeew.

  12. QuoterGal

    My favorite let’s-get-down-with-the-50-shades-of-making-fun-of-it tumblr: http://fiftyshadesofsnark.tumblr.com/ My favorite they’re-serious-but-they-make-me-laugh tumblr: http://christiantgreyceo.tumblr.com/

    (BTW, I get a little tired of the “ick! middle-aged ladies have sex!” theme to 50 Shades criticism: 50 Shades *sucks* worse than almost anything except Twilight books and mammograms – but middle age sex is *awesome*, as I can attest. You don’t have to picture it – I don’t picture *your* younger sexual exploits, because I’ve already been there – but if you’re lucky, you’ll get there one day, too, and you’ll be sorry you were such an ass about it.)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Listen, I’m middle-aged too and I’m right there with you. That’s not the issue. It’s simply that I don’t want to picture MY MOM “enjoying” this book. That’s all. (And surely you are not calling ME an “ass” on my own blog, are you? That doesn’t sound like the Quoter Gal I have come to know and love on Twitter.)

      • QuoterGal

        No-sies, ma’am. No shoe fitting, no shoe wearing, as me mum used to say. (Because she was *odd*.)

        I wasn’t referring to you, TBI, but to a commenter, and then only mildly & peripherally & a bit passive-aggressively ; ] – which launched me off to an “in general” aside about the reams and reams and reams of “OMG – having to even think about middle-aged sex is gross” criticism that this massive “50 Shades of Suck” popularity has kicked off.

        I totally get that people don’t want to picture their parents having sex-squees (*shiver*) – I just often hear “and they’re *MIDDLE-AGED* for crap’s sake” as as aspect of people’s issues with this book’s popularity. But I *knew* you were middle-aged, and not making that point.

        And no, I would never call someone an ass on their own blog – and if – for some amazingly odd reason I can’t imagine at the moment – I did, I’d address them directly.

        Also: love you too, lady.

        • The Bearded Iris

          PHEW! Yeah, I hear you. It’s hard to get to the age where the young whippersnappers consider me so ancient, especially because I still feel pretty young. Maybe if I stopped calling them “whippersnappers.” 😉

          Love and hugs!


  13. karen

    I never felt the need to read the book. I scanned a few pages out of a curiosity that Iam not very proud of. Yes the writing is awful,,, but I found a way to use the “book” to my advantage….. Picture the scenario…. my boyfriend decides to say…”hey sweetie!! Iam going out to buy a pack of cigarettes”…My response “ok” drive safe!! three hours later he does not return… I jump off the computer… Re-apply make-up, Dress in a outfit that hopefully shows cleavage..and wait till I hear the car pull up… Then I lay on the bed on my side ,,trying to show cleavage and have the book fifty shades… tucked open between my cleavage!!! As if to say to him well you went out tonight but I… yes I read this book and look what it did to me.. So I now thank the Author yes your book can be used in many shapes and forms.

  14. Superchiz

    I also refuse to read it. I don’t want society telling me that I have to read it and yes it is icky when your mom is reading it. I also do not support the notion that bondage is sexy after working with so many women who are victims of domestic violence and rape. Wow that was a serious response, but I am so glad that someone else didn’t read it.

  15. Monika

    I don’t know what you’re talking about. My parents NEVER had sex. I was brought by the stork.

  16. Emma

    I caught my mother with it, too!!! UGH! She was trying to hide it. We have not conversed about it and I really want to keep it that way!

  17. elspeth

    Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but these books have been labeled child porn, pedophilia hiding in plain sight by child psychiatrists.

    I know lots of people who have read them, and they have all encouraged me to read them.

    Think I’ll pass.

  18. just keep swimming

    This is not a book to bring together the generations. “No, MIL, I’d prefer to not answer your question about whether I’ve read this book. In fact, I’d prefer we both pretend it doesn’t exist.” I also don’t want to bond over this with my daughters. Thank you very much. Great read and thanks to the link to “regular guy.” Both his posts were hilarious.

  19. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    Nope. Never. Will never, ever read them. No interest.
    I had a friend over who just read all 3, and as I cooked us dinner I had her tell me the whole story, beginning to end. That’s all I needed, thank you very much.

    Regular Guy’s post this week made me cry laughing. Oooohhhhh he really got to my funny bone. No, not that bone. The other one. Perv.

  20. Lisa Thomson

    I’m with you Leslie! My mother also read the book as someone in our family bought it for her for mother’s day, talk about gross. I wrote a parody on the book as a guest blog on “Naked Girl in a Dress”. Check it out for a chuckle

  21. Leigh Ann

    I haven’t read it either. At this point people would know I was just picking it up for the sex, and I really don’t care that much. Especially since I don’t think I could see past the bad writing.

  22. Lady Jennie

    The Guy Spot (chortle).

  23. Leighann

    The writing is horrific. I couldn’t read past the first book

  24. Danielle

    Yes! Thank you Lady! My mother left for a week vacation with the brand new “still in the plastic” trilogy and said she’d let me know if it was good and that I could borrow it when she got back (eek!)…no thanks mom…I’m good. On a side note, my husband did offer to read it for me since apparently my mother “sexy” book reading doesn’t bother him near as much as it does me…haha.

© 2021 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑