A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Craft Whores – Are You Twisted Enough?

Once upon a time, in between sessions at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, I met a fellow humor blogger named The Suniverse and we hit it off like a needle and thread.

Well one day, whilst admiring her cross-stitched “SUCK IT!” avatar, I came to discover that she actually designed and stitched that splendiferous creation herself! Awestruck, I pledged my allegiance to her forever.

And then I showed her my boobies. 

No, not those boobies.

These boobies: 

Yes, as soon as I learned how to crochet several years ago, I decided to make some all-natural dryer balls as an eco-friendly substitute for fabric softener. I kept seeing these bumpy rubber dryer balls in stores and suspected I could make my own set that would be better for the environment…and more fun too.

So I did.

And because I’m me, I designed them to look like a pair of boobies. 

Well don’t you know I liked them so much that I made pairs for my mom and aunt for Christmas that year and they were a HUGE hit! (Well, actually more like a C-Cup hit.)

Look at the detail I put into those areolae, for crying out loud! That is art, y’all. Can I get a witness?

Even little Bucket Head enjoys my 100% wool dryer boobies.

He was pretending to be Mommy. Obviously. (Note the placement…low and wide.)

Anyhoooo, after I showed The Suniverse my boobies, we got to talking. “Hey, I bet we’re not the only bloggers out there who craft with a sense of humor.” 

And thus, an idea was born.

The Suniverse cross-stitched our Craft Whores logo! Isn’t it dreamy?

So what do you say? Are you in?  (That’s what she said.)

Take the next two weeks and come up with your own naughty or inappropriate craft to blog about and link up. The only rule is that it has to be something that YOU create…no stealing photos from the Internet, m’kay? Also, you need to have a blog post to link up. You can always create a quick blog on Tumblr for free if necessary. No big whoop.

Speaking of twisted crafters, check out this little graphic Lady Estrogen whipped up for us. How fun is THAT?!

The link-up will take place September 13 – 17, 2012.  We’ll remind you in the meantime, don’t worry.

Then, we’ll have a panel of fabulous judges review the entries and select the top three naughty crafts. Yes, there are judges. Kick-ass judges. More details coming, but trust us, you’ll love them.

The Suniverse and I will announce the winners on Thursday, September 27, 2012. And there will be prizes! But more on that soon. The build up is half the fun, right?!

Alrighty then. Fire up those hot glue guns and let’s do this!

Need some more ideas? Check out some other naughty cross-stitches made by The Suniverse!

And make sure you don’t miss out on any of the announcements about things like prizes and judges by subscribing to my blog. You’ll be glad you did.

With glitter and sequins in all the right places,



  1. By Word of Mouth Musings

    Time to let my creative juices flow ….
    How come that sounds dirty over here in your slice of Blog Heaven?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! I think that one always sounds dirty. Just sayin’. But yes please! Join us in naughty-crafting-heaven! I can’t wait to see what you come up with Nicole!

  2. Abbie Gale

    I don’t even have to think about it. I already wrote it last Easter weekend. My craft came about after the trifecta of disasters to prompts my post, “I’m gonna kick that rabbit’s a$$!”
    Oh, yeah, that rabbit was going down and I would need alcohol for my mug shot after jumping him at the mall. After scraping up the raw egg my three boys blew all over my kitchen and cleaning up the super bubble juice out of the shag carpet, and then after wiping the walls down when the shop vac began spewing bubbles in the air…I decided to use one of their eggs they “hallowed” out while I was at the grocery store and then dyed, (did I mention the due all over too?) and made the fancy Easter egg you will find it this post.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Easy there sister…all in due time! Please come back and link up when we open the contest in two weeks. We don’t want to put the cart before the rabbit. 🙂

  3. Susan

    I am so not crafty, but I love this idea! I can’t wait to see what people come up with…I’ve been drinking more wine and collecting more corks so I can try for some wine crafts…If I can get sober enough, maybe I’ll try to make an inappropriate cork craft.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Sounds perfect! Bottoms up, darling!

  4. Lisa Hewitt

    Y’all are so wrong for doing this to me.

    • The Bearded Iris

      We’re so wrong, but so right at the same time…like a John Cougar Mellencamp song. So glad you’re in! Can’t wait to see your naughtiness in all its glory!

  5. Amy

    Aw MAN! I have the BEST idea. But my mom, my kids, my inlaws, all subscribe to my quilty blog. I can’t. crude.

    • The Bearded Iris

      DAMMIT! I never thought about that. What about making a temporary Tumblr blog just for this? You could delete it when you’re done! 🙂

  6. Kaybee

    Dang. I am so wishing I was crafty. But I can barely use a hot glue gun. My husband is the crafty one in the house and there is NO way I am showing him your boobies!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! Good point. Our husbands can’t handle the truth (about my craftiness). Maybe you could just TELL him without showing him? You know, plant the crafty bug and see what he comes up with? (wink wink)

  7. Christina

    Leslie, you’re a riot! Love the idea, but since I mess up on stick figures, I’m gonna leave this one up to yous gals that have talent! LOL. Oh, and I ventured over to Lady Estrogen’s blog site and all I gots to say is: Whoa, sally! LOL….she is funny, but whay, whay, too naughty fer me! LOL….interesting stuff tho! Have a great scheming type of day lady! Christina

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh yes, Lady Estrogen is the absolute opposite of sexually repressed. That hot mamacita is on top of her game, if you know what I’m sayin’! I always learn something new when I visit her blog.

      So it sounds like the odds for winning might be pretty good, since we are picking three winners and so far only three people sound remotely committed. You sure you don’t have something fabulous up your wizard sleeve? 😉

      • Lady Estrogen

        You make me blush!

        And my face goes a little red too ;p

      • Christina

        LOL, nope she sure isn’t. Yea, I think some of it is burned in my brain lol. I was like, “WT??…H??….holy jeeper’s! I had NO IDEA! Caused me to pause for a sec (not for dramatic effect either!) I have been educated fer sho! S’all good, though. Someone’s got to be the educator, right??
        Hmm, well, let me ponder the thought and see if I can think of something…. 🙂

  8. Lady Estrogen

    Soooooooo exciting!! I’m gathering m’shizzz right now.
    Craft Whores Unite!

    • The Bearded Iris

      OMG, I’m on the edge of my seat! You’re crafty AND super naughty…this is gonna be goooooood!

  9. Heather W

    Okay… I’m all in! Question though – does it have to be completely original (as in, if I were to cross-stitch something, would I have to create the chart and all that crap?) or does it just have to be something I made myself? I’m hoping for the 2nd choice, but if forced, I can do the first one.

    Lemme know!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh no, let’s keep it simple. You just have to be the crafter, not necessarily the designer. Yay! Another naughty crafter! WHOOO-HOOOOO! Can’t wait to see what you come up with Heather. Perhaps a Magic Cream Coozy?

      • Heather W

        Hellz yes.

        • ChristieT

          We’re on it, my friend. We are on it. 🙂

  10. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    I’m in. So, so in.

    • The Bearded Iris

      I’m sure I’ve heard that before…somewhere. Hmmm. I can’t put my finger on it. Oh. Yes I can! Excuse me, I need to go wash my hands now.

      • Kim at Let Me Start By Saying


  11. JD @ Honest Mom

    OMG. You kill me. I LOVE IT. Time to get the naughty crafty juices flowing. (Never thought I’d actually say that. But there it is.)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Suh-WEET, JD! Get your naughty craft ON!

  12. Emma

    So bummed I threw out my 20-year-old, homemade penis mold last year! Perfect for punch bowls. Crap.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You threw out a homemade penis mold?! Woman. What. The fuck. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.

      • Emma

        I thought it would send the wrong message if one of our 4 teens came across it. I know…. What the hell has happened to me??? A total lapse in my better judgement for sure. Epic FAIL.
        It was perfectly balanced, too. The circumcised head would just bob up and down as it floated around in punch. Never flopped over. It was as beautiful as only a frozen penis could be. :::SIGH:::

  13. Katie E

    Now I wish I were crafty! But I’m not. At all.

    • The Bearded Iris

      For reals? Not at all? Not even a paint by numbers nude? Not even a decked out Floozie Coozie? (Beer can holder) Not even a collage of magazine crotches, origami folded into a coupon wallet? Not even a tube sock turned into a customized vibrator cozy? Not even a….

      I’ve heard you “non-crafty” people exist, but I never believed I’d live to actually meet one.

      Does this mean you don’t save all your toilet paper tubes and milk bottle caps?

      OMG. Can’t breathe. Need…air…

  14. Lady Jennie

    Man – three talented ladies in one spot.

    I’m not crafty. I’ll just sit over here by myself and eat worms.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Maybe instead of EATING the worms, you could hot glue them to a picture frame? That would be super inappropriate and naughty. I bet you’d win with a move like that! Of course, the negative press from PETA might outweigh the benefits of being a Craft Whores WINNER, but only you can decide that, Jennie. 😉

  15. Stephanie

    I am all the way in! 😀

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES! (Over-animated full-body fist pump!)

  16. Kirby Carespodi

    oooooo, lawd.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Soooooo, that means you’re in, right Kirby? Because I’m sure those ladies in Buena Vista would LOVE to auction off your handiwork at the next Junior League luncheon.

  17. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    You slay me. I’m slain.

    Drier boobies… low and wide…

    Too much.

    • The Bearded Iris

      THANK YOU for appreciating that part (those parts…those low and wide hanging parts).

  18. Whatchamacallit Mommy

    It’s so hard to resist following a post that offers “and then I showed her my boobies..” as a cliffhanger!

    • The Bearded Iris

      SWEET! I’m so excited that worked! I was hoping that would create a good cliffhanger and not be the point at which people vomited in their mouths and clicked away in search of less offensive reading. 🙂

  19. Claire

    Please share how to make the boobies. I’m due with the 3rd baby in early December and I can’t control the urge inside of me to be handy, crafty, and more organized. I might even step out of the family Christmas gift chain this year and give a set to EVERYONE.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Claire! Oooh, thanks for the interest! It was a few years ago when I made these and haven’t really done much crocheting since then, but let me see if I can find my notes from when I created the pattern. If I can find them, I’ll post them somehow. If you know how to crochet, it is basically a popcorn stitch (I think) that then grows into a round, then I changed color and made a ball. But yes, don’t reinvent the boobie…I’ll look for my pattern and get back to you!

  20. Carrie

    You know I’m twisted enough!!! Yippee!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YOU, my dear, are one of the inspirations for this entire event! I will be linking to you in our next post when we reveal some of the fabulous PRIZES PRIZES PRIZES!!!

  21. Susan

    Well, no one will EVER accuse you of being boring!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well that’s a relief! I definitely don’t want “boring” or “who?” on my tombstone.

  22. Marinka

    Do you have any with inverted nipples? Just wondering.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh, did I forget to mention that I do custom orders?

      Just email me your nipple length and diameter, along with a photo of each breast and you’ll receive your custom made dryer boobies in 4-6 weeks, S&H not included.

      But wait! There’s more! Act now and you’ll receive a handmade macrame bikini-top bag in which to store your dryer boobies. Limited quantity. While supplies last.

      Call 1-800-YARN-TIT to place your order NOW! Operators are standing by.

  23. Lily from It's A Dome Life

    I can’t wait to see what people come up with.

    I love the photo of your son. So funny!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Lily! He’s a hoot, that boy.

  24. chickadee

    This is why I also follow the Yarn Harlot 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oooh, more smutty friends! Yay! Thanks for the recommendation!

  25. Leighann

    How super does this sound?!
    Giddy up my friends.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Does that mean you’re in?! Thanks Leighann! Can’t wait to see your whorish craftiness in action!

  26. Vanessa Saunders

    Oh I am so in.

  27. Christopher M.

    These are radical. Can I make a suggestion/request? At first when I saw these I thought they were hacky-sacks, then I read the text & found that they aren’t. But they are still cool for what they are actually used for. I am wondering though, any chance of you being able to make a hacky sack like this? If so, could I purchase them (I would want a set cause I mean.. Who wouldn’t want TWO booby-sacks?) Or would it be possible to email me the pattern and I’ll have my grandmother stitch them up for me? Please and Thank you:)
    – Christopher
    P.S.- feel free to market my idea but if they make it big, you know.. I wouldn’t deny a free set for creative fee;) maybe the proceeds could go to breast cancer? Just a crazy idea I had while looking at your post and suddenly my cat was trying to make me play with his little hacky sack I gave him:)

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