A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Craft Whores – Meet Our Judges!

The countdown in ON!

One week ago today, my friend The Suniverse and I announced our fantabulous brainchild: Craft Whores!

Let’s review:

1.) You make a craft that is naughty or “inappropriate” in some way.

2.) You take pictures of it and blog about it.

3.) You come back here next week and link up your post.

4.) Three awesome celebrity judges will pick three winners.

5.) PRIZES! Naughty, naughty prizes. Oh yeah, baby. Details coming soon.

The official link-up begins one week from today: September 13-17.

So what are you waiting for? Get yo’ naughty craft on! 

Friends, you do not have to be an accomplished crafter or artiste to participate! In fact, I’m going to be disappointed if someone doesn’t submit a penis sculpture made entirely of uncooked macaroni, dried pinto beans, and dog hair. M’kay?

Seriously. Let your naughty imagination be your guide. Skills optional!

Come on. I know you’re a little twisted. If you didn’t think poop or vaginas were funny, you wouldn’t be here. It’s okay. You’re among friends! {secret naughty hand-shake}

Now as for those celebrity judges . . .

{Drumroll, please.}

Hold onto your hot glue guns and flesh-colored pipe cleaners, people. We’ve got Internet royalty in the hizzy:

(Confession: I just copied and pasted this next part from The Suniverse because I got tired and she’s clearly the brains behind this operation.) 

Bad. Ass.

 from The Next Martha.
Witty, pretty, and wise.
A crafter, sarcastic, and
a great dancer (according to The Suniverse, I’ve not yet had the pleasure. Yet, I say). 



She’s a doll. Truly.

 from Crafty Chica.
Awesome in so many ways, in so many media.
A crafter,
A writer, and
Sweet as pie.



Writes what you feel.

Robin Plemmons
 from Balls to the Wall, Y’all.
Who knows how to bring it,
An artist,
A writer, and
So giving.


(Still copying from The Suniverse. She’s awesome. Why reinvent the wheel?)

These brilliant, generous women have agreed to act as judges and decide who among you will be selected as being the CRAFT WHORES OF THE UNIVERSE.

No lie, people. This is a big deal. I can’t believe that they’ve agreed to soil themselves among us mere mortals, but they have and NO TAKE BACKS, O.K?

(This is me interjecting: Su, did you just say “soil themselves”? Because bitch, please, I don’t remember agreeing to work with encopretic judges. Oh crap. What have I gotten myself into?) 

Hi. It’s me again, Leslie, aka “Iris.”

So, I hope this answers some of your lingering questions and gives you the encouragement you need to play along, regardless of your skill level in the artsy fartsy department.

In fact, we haven’t really finalized the criteria for judging, so you never know . . . maybe there will be a prize for “Worst” or “Most Fucked Up” or “Scariest” or “Least Artistic.” We’re pretty wild and crazy you know. I’m just saying.

Please spread the word! The more the merrier!

With faith, hope, love, and hot glue,



  1. Kathleen

    Question: Can the craft be edible, or does it need to be made primarily with something that isn’t food?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Excellent question! Let me confer with my partner and get back to you on this. Thanks! 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Okay, the consensus is: GO FOR IT. Food related art/craft counts!

  2. Sue S

    I really really want to be a Craft Whore!!! I was just saying the other day I thought I lost my crafty mojo…this might just be the answer to my prayers!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES! I have faith in you, Sue. Unleash that creativity and let your freak flag fly!

  3. TheNextMartha

    Dried hot glue can be useful to look like “liquids” Just saying.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh YES! That would be the perfect “finishing touch” for the macaroni/bean/dog hair wang sculpture I’m crossing my fingers for!

  4. L. Hewitt

    Fuck it, I don’t know if it is a craft or not, but I’m in.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You know, I think the word “craft” is pretty all-encompassing. If you make it, it’s a craft.

      Can’t wait to see what you come up with, Lisa!

  5. Lady Estrogen

    Ooooohhh, the hot glue hurts so good.

    I mean…

    Never mind.

    YAY FOR THE JUDGES. I totally want to win “Most fucked up” but I don’t think I have what it takes.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh, don’t sell yourself short, sister. You’re plenty fucked-up enough! Based on your tweets though, I’m thinking you might be a contender for “Most Anatomically Correct.” (Our judging criteria is not yet finalized…more deets coming soon!)

  6. Elly

    oh oh oh I wanna play oh oh oh I wanna be a craft whore…I’m only a craft slut at this point. I need a promotion!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YAY! Join us! We love sluts! This could be the project you need to boost your rating from slut to full-fledged whore. Happy to help you achieve your life-long dreams, Elly.

  7. Kirby Carespodi

    I love this…but so many of my followers are so sweet! I guess I’ll have to flag my own post for inappropriateness. Lawd.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hmmmm. This is a dilemma. I feel your pain, Kirby. Well, not really, but I can appreciate how difficult it must be to have to maintain certain appearances on your blog. No. That’s a lie. I have no idea what that’s like. “Sweet” readers tend to run from here screaming “OH GOD! NOOOOOOO! MY EYES! HELP ME LORD JESUS!”

      What if you created a special page on your blog, sort of tucked away, so it’s not right on your front page? That way, only super dedicated readers who really get you and how funny you are will go to the trouble of seeing it? I think that could work!

      • JD @ Honest Mom

        I think that’s a great idea. My readers are generally kind of sweet, too. Not sure if an inappropriate craft would freak them out. Hidden page…hmmmm……

  8. Lady Jennie

    I cannot wait to see what all the crafty twisty people come up with! 🙂

  9. Wrinkled Mommy

    Oh now this looks fun! Can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with.

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