A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

How to Choose the Perfect Conference Roommate

Aiming Low Non-Conference

I’m on my way to the Aiming Low Non-Conference to chill with some of the funniest bloggers on the planet. I’m pretty excited about it too. Something tells me this crowd is going to be much more receptive to and appreciative of my unique and unconventional greeting style.

Yep. I’ve already packed my Depends and my vintage disco pantsuit, and I’ll be on my way shortly.

Fortunately for me, I have the privilege of rooming with my Internet wife, The Suniverse. We roomed together for the first time at BlogHer ’12 last August and we turned out to be like peanut butter and jelly. Frankly, she was the single best part of that conference experience for me. Without having her to giggle with until the wee hours every morning, I’m not so sure I would have survived my first mega conference. Particularly after that one elevator ride from hell.

But I haven’t always been so lucky.

I’ve got to finish packing, but here’s a fresh take on an old post about roommates I published earlier this year. Enjoy!

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Let’s Spend the Night Together

There are times in our lives when we need to share a room with someone we barely know: college, summer jobs, work conferences, etc.

I have had some good roommates in my life and some really bad ones. After 20+ years of experience, here are some of the qualities I enjoy in a good roommate:

Tidy. I had a roommate for one year of college named Jeanne. She was such a doll that she once cleaned my desk off for me. Sure, I was still working at it when said cleaning actually occurred, and yes, two of my term papers were accidentally thrown away, but I must admit, it sure was nice to suddenly have a neat desk for a change.

Considerate. I do love a thoughtful roommate, don’t you? A considerate roommate doesn’t talk too much or interrupt you when you’re practicing your tuba. It’s also considerate to ask permission before you borrow your roommate’s credit card or “personal massager.”

Generous: A generous roommate will always permit you to use that credit card or “personal massager.” Her motto is mi Xanax, su Xanax.

Honest. An honest roommate will tell you when you have visible panty lines, a snoring problem, or questionable hygiene practices.

Discreet. If that same roommate is discreet, she won’t tell anyone else about your remarkable collection of Spanx, the fact that you wake yourself at times with your snoring, or that you use your leg razor on your chin.

Brave. A roommate who’s not afraid to walk out into the hotel hallway at 2:30 AM in her pajayjays and nightguard and yell like a fishwife at the extraordinarily loud young men who just woke us from our beauty sleep is a keeper.

Humane: That same roommate never resorts to violence when her sleep is disturbed. It’s also always preferable to have a roommate who doesn’t burn crosses in your room or wear t-shirts that say, “I went to a Hitler Youth rally and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

Loyal: If your roommate is willing to tell your parents/husband when they call that you’re in the library/bathroom when in reality you never made it home from that fraternity/cocktail party, you’ve struck gold.

Respectful of boundaries. I once returned from my morning shift as a hotel waitress only to find that my roomie Lynn had permitted her boyfriend’s buddy Steve to crash in my bed. Long story short…crabs.

Hygienic. Yes, I said crabs, aka pubic lice, crotch critters, minge mites, vag vermin. Which is precisely why a good roommate won’t attempt to share towels or merkin combs.

Excerpted and revised from a piece originally published In The Powder Room


  1. Jessica

    Good to remember.
    I have to hunt down a roommate or ten for Blissdom 2013…

  2. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    I always make sure my roommates enjoy the odor of asparagus pee. It makes things much more pleasant between us.

  3. Arnebya

    Have a wonderful time. I wish I could have swung it, but try as I might, it just wouldn’t work. Goddamn mortgage.

  4. tracy@sellabitmum

    Oh I wish we could make it a threesome. Next time maybe? Have fun! xo

  5. VenusGenetrix

    You’re going to hell for making me Google “merkin” at work.

  6. Kristin @ What She Said

    Oh, MAN! This is the first I heard about the Aiming Low non-conference. Otherwise, I totally would have tried to go! No registration fees? SCORE! And it’s in Georgia, which means that hotel rooms might be slightly less ridiculously priced than, oh, say… New York or San Diego? Ahem, BlogHer. (Although, where is Callaway Gardens? Is it near Atlanta? If so, then never mind about the cheap(er) hotel rooms.)

    Anyway. I’m jealous that you’re going. And I’m not. Bleh.

    But have fun!

  7. L. Hewitt

    Have Fun. Take Pictures. Kiss Suniverse in the Mouth.

  8. Heather @ Real Cheap Housewives of Texas

    I think I will be rooming alone for Haven 2013 after reading that post 😉

  9. Jester Queen

    Holy shit. I’m a member at Callaway. I live within a couple hours drive. I cannot be there today. But I may very well make a little bit of the thing tomorrow. WOWIE. Is this annual? Is it always at Callaway?

    I’ll research that myself, but you just got me hyped up.

  10. Jane

    Have fun at the conference! Gotta love mediocrity . . .

  11. Lady Jennie

    Have fun! Hi Sunny!

  12. Alexandra

    Suniverse, oh there are no words for the suniverse.

    Yeah: sliced bread, bees knees, all of that.

    How I love her and her little head to the side giggle.

    It was good to see you, Leslie: hope your voice is better.

    ( and HUGE love for calling us the funniest bloggers on the planet. xo)

  13. Suniverse


    That’s everything and that’s all.


  14. Astra

    Soon there will no doubt be websites like eRoomie.com to guide conference attendees to find compatible bunk mates. Until then, we’ll have this handy list 🙂

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