A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

…and that’s why Halloween can bite me.

Extreme. Candy. Coma.

Can’t. Function.

Need. More. Kit-Kats.


Don’t go!

I’ll be nice! I promise!

Don’t you want to see what we looked like while we were out begging in the cold for High Fructose Corn Syrup and FD&C Red Dye #40 laden “fun-size” crap so we could feel so frickin’ awesome today?

(Sorry, it’s the candy talking. I may need Sugar Rehab.)

So, here’s my little Bucket Head. You should have seen how great he looked BEFORE he did a face plant off the back of the couch while trying to see himself in the mirror and then cried half his makeup off. My apologies to the family ringing our doorbell right while I was doing the (annual) “Pull it together, man! There’s no crying on Halloween. You quit that caterwauling this minute or we’re not Trick or Treating!” routine.

He eventually pulled it together. Bless it!

Also? His hair was Gordon Gekko straight for about 45 seconds before the curls started to revolt. I even used multiple palmfuls of “spike glue” to tame it, but to no avail. Some birds just aren’t meant to be caged, I guess.

Note the sneezing pumpkin in the background. That’s my teen boy’s doing. He so crazy!

Then came Mini-Me.

Her first attempt at being a Zombie was vetoed after she came down the stairs looking like Princess Zombie Skank on her way to a Street Walker Convention. Not kosher. She’s a smart girl though and knew it was better to Trick or Treat in a dorky, warm, mom-approved outfit than not Trick or Treat at all, so here’s what we came up with together…

Bless her heart.

And while Bucket Head was sniveling and Mini-Me was giving me attitude over having to de-skankify herself,  my oldest, Nature Boy (13-years-old), decided he was too old for Trick or Treating this year.


“Nooooooooooo!” I begged. “Please! One more year! I beg of you! Come on, don’t stay home! Come with us. It will be fun!”

“Mom, I can’t even eat most of the candy because of my braces. I just don’t feel like it this year,” he bemoaned.

But truth be told, he was just trying to punish me for the fact that he is “the only kid in the school without a cell phone.”

Which totally isn’t true. I know for a FACT there are at least three other 7th grade boys who do not have cell phones because their moms and I talk about this and we’re all holding firm. So there.

Finally though, Nature Boy decided to pull himself out of his phoneless-phunk and come along with the rest of us. And I’m so glad, because look how damn cute he was as “Shaggy” from Scooby Doo…

I mean, come on. Look at that punim.

Oh my Lord, how is it possible that this handsome young man was once small enough to dress up like a little eggplant?

A farmer and her prize eggplant, Halloween 2000, Oakland California.

I was too tired from all the kid corralling and counseling to dress myself up for Trick or Treating this year (unlike last year, or most years before that), but I did get to wear a costume to our friend’s annual Halloween Party last Saturday…

…it’s just my standard old lady get up. Sometimes I like to put it on just to embarrass my kids and give my husband a glimpse of his future. The best part of that costume is that I always use two long worm puppets (don’t ask) under my house dress as my breasticles. No lie. Here’s what their little faces look like, just in case you are one of the few people in the western hemisphere I didn’t flash last Saturday:

So that was our Halloween. How was yours?

All you east coasters are in my thoughts and prayers as you recover from the aftermath of that nasty ol’ wench Sandy. Stay strong, friends.

One last thing, I’m over In The Powder Room today sharing some controversial ideas about All Saints’ Day. It’s racy enough that one of my Catholic Facebook friends is saying a Rosary for me right now and steering clear of my house in case I get struck by lightning. Just another day in the life.

Holy crap. It’s November?!

Hold me,



  1. Sue at Wub Boo Mummy

    Awww your worm breasticles are sooooo cute.

    Now there’s something you don’t get to say every day.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Really? You don’t get to say that every day? Sue…you are hanging out with the wrong women.

  2. NANCY

    Oh man, I just had a miniature panic attack/crying fit seeing how kids grow so fast from eggplants to possible-stoner mystery solvers!

    • The Bearded Iris

      I know. And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

  3. tracy@sellabitmum

    I love you for embracing Halloween in all of it’s amazing goodness..and save a few andy bars for me. Love yous. xoxo

    • The Bearded Iris

      Love you too, Tracy! Thanks for the Halloween high fives. I saw you all dressed up on Facebook. You are an awesomely fun mama!

  4. Jen at PIWTPITT.com

    I like the Shaggy costume. How funny! I broke down today and bought a costume for half price so that I can get into the spirit next year. We shall see if I really get it out or not.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oooh, what did you buy?! That’s a great idea to shop for costumes NOW. Love your motivation!

  5. Jester Queen

    Your kids are SO adorable. Even though one of them isn’t a skank and another one’s curls won’t tame and the third hasn’t got a phone.

  6. Alexandra

    Cutest Shaggy ever.


  7. Lisa Thomson

    Oh my god, Leslie you make me laugh so much I love it. Thanks for sharing your halloween. My kids are grown and there are no more battles but I have some pretty crazy halloween memories with my kids too. I love your old lady costume 🙂

  8. Teri

    LOVE the sneezing pumpkin! And the curls!! And the green skinned non-skanky Zombie girl, and the little Eggplant that grew into a Shaggy. Awesome kids, hope you’re over the sugar coma.


  9. Anne (@notasupermom)

    Really cute! Your old lady costume looked a lot like your left breast!

  10. Jane

    I love the pumpkin! Obviously your kids are cute too. Bucket Head is so sweet- at least you have many more years with him dressing up!

  11. Arnebya

    I always wait. And wait. And wait some more. Then they change their minds, then I say too late, and and and. This year I thought it’d be fun to be a band of hobos. No one else seemed to think that’d be cool as hell (and COST FREE BECAUSE COME ON, SOME OF THE SHIT THEY WEAR…) The boy wound up as a no-name superhero in a mask and cape I got for $5 over two months ago (he referred to himself alternately as Incrediboy and Spiderman all night). The girls were rather hoboish after all and I was a confused zombie housewife with a black eye (who was totally not making fun of domestic violence when I captioned it as having made my husband mad. Damn. Laugh a little).

    From eggplant to Shaggy. Time flies. (Had to de-skank my 11 yr old too.)

  12. John

    My CJ did a faceplant on a walkway . . . and started to cry until he realized that, if he was crying, he wouldn’t be able to continue trick-or-treating. So, he fought on . . . but then we saw that he was actually bleeding from his hand, so the “suck it up” routine, while functional, actually made me feel horrible.

    But, hey, it worked.

  13. mappermom

    This was the last time for my twins to trick or treat too – they just turned 14. But they had awesome costumes as Fry and Leela from Futurama. Like you, I am the parent of the last two children in suburban south Charlotte that don’t have cell phones yet. Maybe when they start high school and without data plans. 🙂

  14. The UnderToad

    #1: I want your son. (Maybe to marry my daughter, who is quite a beauty, by the way.) My mother veto-ed TOT’ing after 6th grade. Here’s a kid with the wisdom (?) to know he’s too old? Future CEO right there.
    #2: Thank you for being one of the few (only?) mothers on the planet to veto skankdom in the name of Satan. All I could think about as we walked around our YMCA was, “You are 9, and that guy behind you is a pedophile. Where is your father?”
    #3: I am also currently suffering from a sugar addiction I can only imagine is akin to alcoholism or a crack addiction. I could CHART my blood sugar highs and lows, physically and mentally, and yes, dark chocolate DOES FEEL just as good as the aftermath of the big O. Who needs a man!?

  15. Andrea

    Rut row…Shaggy is awesome! I silently kept my fingers crossed, and the 15 year old did go trick-or-treating…he also made his pumpkin pooping this year, yet i was still just happy he was still willing to play along! I was trying to be decent about the candy, and consider the stomach ache potential, but now I think it is time to throw havoc to the wind—tgif!

  16. Jennifer

    I pretty much love everything you wrote about your mini-me. My little 7 yo would love to walk the skanky path. Lucky for her she’s got a momma that keeps yanking her back to little girl land.

  17. Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    Your children are adorable! I’m dying from the eggplant, too. So cute! How do they grow so FAST? And I LOVE that Buckethead’s curls could not be tamed. Classic!

    And I feel like doing a chest (breasticle?) bump with you over de-skankifying Halloween! Stay strong Sister!

  18. Hollow Tree Ventures

    Herpy Herlerwern ter yer!!! Lurve your pics, and (as always) your boobs are spectacular.

  19. Dyanne

    945 trick or treaters. Need I say more?

  20. Lisa Hewitt

    xfinity sux.

  21. Tiffany

    They are so cute…and you? To die for.

  22. Jessica B

    Aw, Shaggy looked almost as cute as your worms… the teary vampire was great, and mini-me non-hooker zombie was all that. I have a love/hate relationship with freaking Halloween. Seeing all of the costumes is part of the love part. The candy coma/weight gain from fun-sized shit/hysteria filled search for the candy hidden by my smart little asshat kids who know their mom has no self control when it comes to tiny boxes of junior mints and milk duds and nerds is part of the hate part. OMG it really is November. Shit. Thanks for reminding me!

  23. Jessica B

    PS, you live in Oakland? I was just there the other day. 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      No, used to about 11 years ago. I live outside of Atlanta now. Really miss Oakland and The Bay Area though!

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