A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Greetings from the set of #DWTS {!!!}

Well another season of Dancing with the Stars has come to an exciting end. And I have just three things to say about the finale:

1.) Congratulations Melissa and Tony! You totally deserve it. Hard to believe it was Tony’s first win in all these years.

2.) If Val and Kelly are just friends? I totally want more friends.  

3.) Shawn and Derek, that ending to your instant Cha Cha was JAW-DROPPINGLY AWESOME. I actually gasped aloud when I saw it and woke my husband who was snoring on the couch next to me. I just hope that Derek was generous with the Axe Body Spray prior to the show or poor Shawn will be scrubbing his musk out of her nostrils for days.

Seriously… check out this progression:

“Shawn, just stand still and I’m going to run full speed right at you…”

“…then I’ll take a flying leap right at your face…”

“…and all you need to do is catch my junk with your neck, okay?”

“And after I tea-bag you at 60 MPH, just grab my leg like you mean it…”

“…and I’ll bend you over backwards while you’re still clutching my groin with your arms & face. Got it?”

And you wonder why I’m such a fan of the show.

Hand to God, I have never missed a season. And scenes like this are just one of the many reasons why.

Now, grab some popcorn and settle into a comfy chair because I am about to do something crazy.

You know that whole “ask and ye shall receive” thing? Also known as “The Secret,” or the “when you announce your intentions, the universe will rise up to help you achieve them” principle?

Yeah, that.



Gosh, this is harder than I thought it would be.

{nervous eye twitch}

I’m just going to come out and say it:

I want to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

Okay, okay, settle down. It’s not THAT funny.

Maybe it is. I can’t even touch my toes.

If I ever attempted a move like this:

a split (ouch)

…it would sound like someone pried open the Pharaoh’s Tomb, followed by the sound of bones snapping and sirens blaring.

But I’d do it anyway…because that shit would make for great TV. 

And believe you-me, I watch enough television to know what producers want. In fact, and I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been approached three times in the past two months to appear on Dr. Oz and The Steve Harvey Show (twice).

Sure, it was for shows about things like chronic oversharing, facing your bullies, and holiday card DONT’S, but still, I was asked, m’kay?! And let the record show that I turned them all down because I am waiting for the right opportunity to royally shame myself and my family in front of the biggest audience possible. Dancing with the Stars, you are THE ONE for me.

Sadly, my family is a little slow to warm up to the idea.

When I told my kids about my desire to be on the show they just laughed and laughed. And then my daughter said, “But Mom. The costumes! They’re so…tiny, and you’re so…um…squishy.”

She has a point there. But come on, I’m 42-years-old. I’m a homemaker/professional writer, not a teenaged Olympic Gold Medal Winning Athlete. It’s okay for me to be a little squishy. I figure they’ll just dress me like they dressed Cloris Leachman, or Chaz Bono. No biggie.

Besides, I’m not going to let my children’s fears about my lack of muscle tone or talent squelch my dreams.

I was born to dance and/or make people laugh with/at my dancing, and I’m ready to go for it.

So I’m doing what leadership guru Stephen Covey suggests and I’m using visualization to begin with the end in mind. Hence the title of this post. I’m already imagining that I’ve been selected as a contestant and am blogging from the sidelines of the dance floor during rehearsal.

Ladies, I gotta tell you…Maks’ tush is even better in person.

So what do you say, ABC? To demonstrate my level of commitment to this project I’ve gone ahead and drawn up the beginnings of a contract.

Here is my commitment to ABC and the Executive Producers of DWTS:

I will wax every last hair from my waist down so that the show can remain family-friendly and people won’t wonder if “that mom blogger is giving birth to The Jackson Five” when I do a high low kick.

I herewith consent to allow DWTS to videotape me running errands with no make-up on so as to make the montage of My Journey to Week Two that much more inspiring to “regular” women everywhere.

I vow to have at least one minor injury that I will valiantly overcome for the sake of good TV.

In addition, I guarantee that I will cry at least once.

I will provide Bruno Tonioli with a minimum of two opportunities to use phrases like “saucy minx,” “fleshy flavor,” or “check please.”

And I will donate half of my yet-to-be-negotiated fee to the charity of my choice.

In exchange, DWTS herewith commits to the following:

You promise not to make me wear any costumes that expose my mid drift, butt cheeks, or spider veins. Nor will I ever have to dance next to any of the professional female dancers.

You will provide complementary teeth bleaching, spray tanning, mani/pedis, and physical therapy throughout the course of my run on the show.

You hereby guarantee to fly my family out to watch me at least once for a live taping. In exchange I will permit you to film my son Bucket Head doing the Belly Wave.

You hereby swear to never refer to me as a “mommy blogger.” You may call me a blogger, a mom blogger, a writer, an author, a humorist, and/or a philosopher/entertainer/humanitarian/apprentice plumber.

You will provide an unattractive, background checked nanny/housekeeper to help my husband with my three children while I am part of the show.

You promise to partner me with anyone but Val. He obviously uses sex as a motivator for training, and let’s face it, I’m more motivated by the promise of a trip to the buffet at Golden Corral.

So what do you think? Would you like to see me as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars? If so, please help me spread the word! Maybe they’ll let me bring all of you to a taping of the show! I’m stretching my hamstrings just in case.

put leslie from The Bearded Iris on DWTS

Optimistically yours,


  1. Abby

    OMG. This is fantastic. We are so going to get you on that show. Internet crusade, activate!

  2. Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table!

    You would be great! I would watch every second!

  3. Shanna @ Motherhood on the Rocks

    Now that is a reality show I would happily watch!!

  4. Jenn

    OMG thank you for this.

    And I think they need a Dancing With Some Bloggers show! THAT would be entertaining!

  5. Kristin @ What She Said

    Cracking up at your narrative of Derek’s signature crotch-in-the-face ending to the cha-cha. Especially this part: “And after I tea bag you at 60 mph…”

    And I, for one, think you would be highly entertaining on DWTS. But no Val? Blasphemy!

    (Actually, I’d happily take Tristan and his Irish brogue, too. Or Peta. What? I have a girl crush on her.)

  6. hollow tree ventures

    People throw around terms like, “match made in heaven,” “60mph tea bag,” and “I just laughed so hard I peed a little” quite a bit these days, but no one has meant them more than I do right now. I will consider my life a mere husk of what it could have been if I don’t see you on DWTS.

  7. Jane

    I’ll watch and I’ll vote for you! Hand to God . . .

  8. Elisa Edgington

    I don’t even watch DWTS, but I would be alllll over that shit if you were on the show. Go on you Dancing Queen, you are a walking goldmine of entertainment!

  9. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    The publicist loves this show too and thinks you would be a wonderful addition. She would vote for you. I stomp my hooves in agreement!

  10. Sue at Wub Boo Mummy

    Yes, yes, yes. Ohhhhhhhh mmmmm yes. Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhhhhhh yes.

    Whoops, I got a bit excited at the thought of you on DWTS.

    Carry on.

    P.S. That wasn’t creepy, was it?

  11. tracy@sellabitmum

    I feel so bad that I missed it this season because it interfered with some major Adam Levine eye candy on The Voice. I was so torn.

  12. Lisa Hewitt

    We ( as your loyal readers) need to make this shit happen for you. I’m thinking. I’ll get back to you. Have the courage to touch the butt!!!

  13. Roshni

    How can they resist you?!! Just promise me not to agree to what Shawn did!! Eeks!!

  14. Skinny Jean Colleen

    Thanks for making my birthday Iris! I haven’t laughed out loud while pounding the table in a while. This will be a classic post after you win that mo fo next season.
    My husband has a cousin in LA who is friends with the producer of the Bachelor. Maybe he knows someone and so on and so on. It’s worth a shot all you can do is ask.
    Good Luck on your quest.

  15. Kim P

    Who could say no to the “Serious Dance Face” Waltz or the “Sexy” in Slippers and Curlers Samba. Not DWTS. I say follow your dreams. If all else fails, threaten them with your “Enthusiastic” Knowledge of Power Tools Foxtrot.

  16. Jennifer

    This is probably the only way they will ever get me to watch it.

  17. Allysgrandma

    Omgosh I so needed this…… You have no idea. I believe….and I too have read Stephen C ovey, after all everyone in my book club is a young Mormon wife except me…..I am an old married Catholic grandma with dreams of being organized…. Such a simple dream, why is it so hard to achieve. P.S. my beautiful granddaughter just got signed with a real modeling agency here in Southern California, I’ll have her put in a good word for you! PSS I know it’s real because they did not ask for any money and they have a Facebook page!

  18. Jen at PIWTPITT.com

    I have never watched DWTS, but I swear to God, ABC and anything else holy, if they let you star I will faithfully watch AND live tweet during each episode with the hashtag #gobeardie AND do a recap on my blog every week until you win the entire show (there’s no way you’re going home without that trophy). C’mon ABC, you’d be crazy not let Iris dance.

  19. lisa thomson

    Excellent plan, Leslie! You would be the best contestant yet. I love your montage of photos for your entry. Perfect. The ratings will undoubtedly double! Thx for the fun as usual 🙂

  20. FiveOGrrl

    see, dancing on the tables HAS helped you dream bigger.

  21. Snappy

    That would be completely amazeballs if you were on DWTS!

  22. Lea

    Just when I think I can’t love you any harder you go and type something like “…catch my junk with your neck, okay?” and I laugh until I cry! (again). Thank you, thank you so much for being exactly who you are.

  23. lesliez

    i’ve SEEN that thang shakin’ like a polaroid, and i predict you will go. all. the. way.

    just remember – the dance floor will be a *lot* slicker than the beer-covered one at ATO.

    the idea is too fabulous for words. let the proletariat know what we can do to get you there.

  24. JD @ Honest Mom

    I’m with PIWTPITT. I’ve never done more than flip by DWTS but if you were on? I’d so be there. And really, how could ABC resist you, you saucy minx?

  25. Amy

    Agree with the crowd – I don’t watch it, but I would if you were on it. Just wear a helmet if you do the tea-bagging move. Looks awfully dangerous. (plus if you wear a helmet I triple promise I will watch)

  26. Lady Estrogen

    Your serious dance face made me weak in the knees . . . WEAK, I SAY!

  27. Bernie Bickers

    we’re gonna need more wax. . .

  28. Critter

    i hate TV as a usual thing, but for you, i’d watch this.

  29. Tiffany

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told people this…and I don’t even watch the show…but I would LOVE to be on it!!! So fun. You go girl!!! (Leave me alone, I know no one says that anymore…I don’t care! ;))

  30. Teri

    Count me among the DWTS converts if they wise up and let you on the show!!! It will be a show that’s worth watching if you were a star!

  31. Alexis

    Maybe you should promise a nip slip? Because, as you know, nipples = ratings GOLD! I think that is your fast-track strategy to get booked. And it’s a whole lot easier than giving birth to 8 babies at once or such stuff.

  32. Suniverse

    I would actually watch the show if you were on it. DO YOU HEAR THAT DWTS? A NEW VIEWER.

  33. Amanda A

    You would be amazing on that show! I would vote and make everyone I know vote for you. How could ABC refuse you when you have offered the “Belly Wave”.

  34. Jill

    We will make this happen. AND you should make them let you wear the pantsuit you already have for dancing.

  35. Johno

    The only thing I want to do at 60 mph is drink coffee and not crash the car.

  36. Shannon

    I admit, I’m late to the party…

    But I DIED at “pried open the Pharaoh’s Tomb” —

    still giggling. 🙂

    Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in awhile!!!

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