A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Today marks the one year anniversary of Dobbie’s Big Debut. If you’re just joining us, Dobbie is my family’s Elf on the Shelf, and he’s a little, uh…mischievous, you might say.

He was pretty popular around the blogosphere last year for his lewd and lascivious antics. He even finished in second place as one of the Top 11 Inappropriate Elves over at Baby Rabies’ Inappropriate Elf Contest for that time he wrote his name in the snow.

Dobbie writes his name in the snow by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Ah, good times.

Pretty ironic that he would become so popular because I never even wanted that little so’mbitch.

He was an ambush gift from my mom to my kids and I just knew he was going to be trouble. Like I needed to add one more labor-intensive holiday tradition to my already overflowing plate of Christmas duties.

But I begrudgingly let Grandma be the hero and give the kids the one toy they’d been so desperately coveting.

And long story short, we all fell in love with him.

Even my beloved kitty Gracie (RIP) enjoyed his company. These shots were taken last year and were part of my story about having to improve upon my husband’s lame attempts at Elfing. (Bless his heart.) That’s one of my all-time favorite posts, by the way. (And the photo below is the one I’m entering in this year’s Inappropriate Elf Contest at Baby Rabies.)

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

Dobbie plays Scat Scrabble2 #InappropriateElf by The Bearded Iris

I sure do miss that sweet cat. She was the best. {Sigh}

This year, Dobbie the Elf arrived on Saturday, December 1st.

I clipped his little hands to one of the blades of the ceiling fan, turned the fan on low, and went to bed.

I would give anything to have a video of my kids’ reaction when they discovered him.

They were watching TV in the family room that Saturday morning, and it wasn’t until my husband said, “Hey, why is the ceiling fan on?” that they looked up and noticed Dobbie spinning around and around, with his little felt legs splayed out behind him like he was holding on for dear life.

Believe me when I say my kids went absolutely apeshit. “IT’S DOBBIE!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S ON THE CEEE-WING FAN!” (sic) shouted Bucket Head.

And that, my friends, is what this Elf thing is all about.

It’s not about comparing yourself to other mothers. It’s not about having to “remember to move the fucking elf.” It’s not about rules or obligations or judgement.

It’s about bringing joy to your kids. 

And let me tell you something about my kids: the horse apple didn’t fall far from the horse, if you know what I mean.

Elf on the Shelf Dobbie on the crapper by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Toilet humor—works every time.

And if you can make your husband laugh along the way with little surprises like this?

The Elf on the Shelf Dobbie has a mouth like a trucker by The Bearded Iris #InappropriateElf

Even better.

Oh easy there, Mother Superior. My kids never saw that. By the time they woke up that day, the egg carton was closed, and the elf was in a much more family-friendly position…

Dobbie The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf licking a large turgid candy cane by The Bearded Iris

…licking an enormous, turgid candy cane.

Because there’s nothing inappropriate about that, right?

May your holiday season be filled with joy, laughter, and plenty of minty freshness.

Yours truly,
Leslie

PS – Please follow me on Pinterest for more Elf fun and Christmas humor!

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52 Comments

  1. rootietoot

    Hey! Good to see Dobby is back! I await with bated breath to see what sort of shenanigans he’ll get up to this year.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Rootie! Don’t hold your breath too long…you know I’m pretty lazy!

  2. Michelle

    Bahahaha! I hate that damn elf but find myself shopping for one now…you totally put it in perspective by saying it’s about the joy on the kids’ faces (b/c I am one of those forgot to move the elf people). Maybe I can change 🙂 FYI, my 3 yr old enjoyed the picture of Dobbie “poopin’ on the baff-tub”!

    • The Bearded Iris

      YES! Exactly! It’s all about the paradigm shift of seeing the Elf as something fun for the kids instead of as a hassle for us. I’m so glad I got there and hope you can too! Glad your 3 y.o. enjoyed Dobbie poopin’! Hopefully he/she can’t read. 🙂

  3. Jen

    YAY! I have been checking your blog daily since the 1st, waiting for this!

    • The Bearded Iris

      SO. AWESOME. JEN. Thank you for saying that! And hey, I love that you check here daily, but you could totally save yourself the hassle by subscribing via email. Click here to do that and you’ll get an email from me whenever there is a new post! Easy peasy!

  4. Robin

    The semester is over and I can now officially goof off for the next 4 weeks by reading your blogs. Looking forward to hearing more of Dobbie’s antics!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Robin! I’m happy to contribute to your “official goof off” time. 🙂

  5. Jennifer

    Exactly! Yes! 100%! The kids LOVE him and I love that they love him. It makes it so much fun. My kids spent their morning coloring after they got dressed (instead of mesmerized by the TV) because that’s where they found Dobie (our elf) this morning. That’s good stuff.

    • The Bearded Iris

      AMEN, sister! My kids are bounding out of bed this month, brimming with excitement. I love that!

  6. Lisa Hewitt

    I’ve been looking for Dobbie! Everywhere – just like a child. I chased his little ass all over Pinterest last night. Are you fucking with me????? P.S. brilliant eggs – yes I am going to do that right now. I have a fresh dozen.

    • The Bearded Iris

      “I have a fresh dozen.” I’ll say.

  7. Julie

    Ironically, you and Jen @Throat_Punch actually make me want to go buy one of these things now – or at least leave an egg message for my husband. Which is funny, because we haven’t even managed to get the damn Advent calendar up yet (oops, I mean “darned”…). Thanks for the laughs!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh phew, my damn, I mean darn, Advent calendar isn’t out yet either. Hey, you don’t need an Elf to write on the eggs. You don’t even need eggs. You can just scratch that message into the side of his car for fun.

  8. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    I don’t know what I would do if I found an elf in my goathouse. I do know what AbbyGoat would do…and it wouldn’t be pretty.

    I must admit that the publicist and I were both looking forward to what you were going to do with the creepy little guy this year. Will there be another contest?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Pricilla (and publicist). Yes, I am entering the contest again, but I probably won’t be whoring for votes again like I did last year. In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Amen?

  9. Kirsten/Comfortably Domestic

    OMGosh, Leslie! You are hilariously brave!

  10. Nicole

    I stumbled over here from your guest spot on Crappy Pictures and I’m SO glad I did!! LMAO and totally stealing some of these ideas.

    (PS you have a pretty decent stash of poop remedies…hope everyone’s ok over there! *toot*) ; )

    • The Bearded Iris

      LOL! You’re so right. Don’t worry, one of those bottles was a freebie, one was from way back when I was pregnant with Bucket Head (I should check the expiration on it!), and one is for one of my kids who needs a little help in that area. For the most part, 4/5ths of us are very regular and healthy down there. Thanks for the concern though and I’m glad you stumbled over! I just adore Amber. She’s one of my favorites!

  11. Jane

    Yeah- Dobbie is back! The writing on the eggs cracked me up. I literally spit my diet coke all over my desk. Thanks!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Wooops – sorry about the desk Janie! At least it was Diet, so your desk won’t gain any weight.

  12. Snappy

    I love the toilet humor picture!

    Did you see the picture The Bloggess posted of her Elf?!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Yes! She’s the best. I pinned that onto my “Elfgasm” Pinterest board this morning! Can’t wait to see what else she comes up with. Did you know she was one of the judges of the Inappropriate Elf contest last year?

      • Snappy

        No! I had no idea she was a judge last year.

        Now I feel like a dumbass – I was all excited because I left her a comment on her Elf post saying to enter the contest. Der!

        • The Bearded Iris

          Don’t worry honey, you weren’t the only one. It’s natural to want to share something that is so much fun.

  13. Roshni

    bwahahahahh!! I love the egg message!! This elf on the shelf I can definitely like!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Roshni! There will be more where that came from!

  14. The Sadder But Wiser Girl

    All right, I’m starting a campaign. “Send The Sadder But Wiser Girl an Elf” so I can have some fun too! These are too funny!!!!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Go check out Kim’s blog “Let Me Start By Saying.” I think she might be doing a giveaway to win one!

  15. Jen

    I’ve been avoiding the elf for years, but reading this makes me want to get one.
    *sigh* It must be the beard. Oh, the things I could do with a naughty, mischievous little elf…

    • The Bearded Iris

      LOOK INTO THE BEARD! THE BEARD COMMANDS YOU TO BUY (or make) AN ELF. Shoot, just stick a Santa hat on one of your vibrators and pretend that’s your Elf.

      OMG, that gives me a great idea…

      • Jen

        I wonder if I still have my poseable Gumby with the Santa hat on…

        You should set up a holday themed Craft Whores contest. That would be just the thing to hit some of us with the “Holiday Spirit” right upside the head.

  16. megryansmom

    You’re entering that picture with Gracie? That’s a sacrilege! What praytell might the caption be?

    • The Bearded Iris

      What? Why is that a sacrilege? Because she’s in kitty heaven? I call that a TRIBUTE. Are you entering your big furry beaver again? I love that we met through this contest last year and formed a lasting relationship because of your beaver. Seriously, they should make a Lifetime movie about us.

  17. Janis@All Things Beautiful

    This is just tooooo funny! I’m in love with Dobbie now! Do you think my kids are too old for the elf thing? They are 15 & 16? I’m reallllllly wanting one… maybe we could all take turns moving the little cutie! And I’m gonna be watchin’ to see where he shows himself next at your house!!!! xoxo

    • The Bearded Iris

      Hi Janis! Your kids are fun enough to do the “Call Me Maybe” dance with you, so I bet they would totally get into the Elf thing too. My oldest is 13 and he still thinks Dobbie is hilarious. He loves to try to find him every morning and he’s old enough that he gets the more adult humor like the Scat Scrabble board and all the stool softeners next to the toilet. Have fun!

  18. Michaela Mitchell

    I discovered your blog last year around the middle of December and almost bought the damn Elf this year for my boys – because I wanted to see how inappropriate he could really be…and then I remembered that I’m lazy about some shit, so I decided maybe another time…but I fell in love with your blog because of Dobbie and have been here ever since! Yay!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Aw, thank you Michaela! Listen, I’m pretty lazy too. You’ll never see me making a big mess with Dobbie or creating anything that takes longer than a Modern Family commercial break. 🙂 Being a good Elf Mom doesn’t mean you can’t still be a lazy beeyotch.

  19. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    It’s not even FUNNY how much I love you.
    Welcome back, Dobbie! *eyes the room for knives*

    • The Bearded Iris

      Za feeling is MUTUAL, dahlink. I am really loving all your Elf Shaming promos…pinned a butt load of them today to my “ELFGASM” board!

  20. Kristin @ What She Said

    This is my absolute favorite Elf post EVER! Both the pics and the sentiment. 🙂

  21. Susan@The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

    Oh, I love the shit out of this…I hope you’ll keep us posted on his Christmas antics!

  22. Wrinkled Mommy

    Cute! I am not near as creative with our Elf (Moopa). You inspire me to be better.

  23. Shanna @ Motherhood on the Rocks

    These are hysterical! I have to try that egg one on my husband!

  24. Amanda @ Werdyab

    I love your elf pics! Hilarious stuff. Hey, did you know that the co-creator of Elf on the Shelf is my arch-nemesis from college? True story. It started over a boy, as all good dramatic stories of teenage hatred do, and therefore, I cannot spend one red cent on that damn elf…. but I can definitely laugh at yours! Mamapedia is running my post on Monday (and it already posted on my blog) about my sordid past with the woman behind the elf.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oooh, juicy! Can’t wait to read it, Amanda!

  25. Robin Pedersen

    My hubby and I live in an active retirement community. Our four kids are grown and scattered around the country. I am having a ball reading all about Dobbie’s antics. Do ya think we’re too old for an elf of our own???

  26. MikeP

    Well hello, Dobbie. You’re lookin’ swell.

  27. Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli)

    Ha ha ha ha! The egg trick on your husband nearly caused me to spit my tea all over my laptop. I might have to try that one. He’d be appalled. 🙂

  28. Beth

    I came across this post with the picture of Dobby and his kitty friend playing Scat Scrabble one day at work and I started laughing. Then I saw the picture with the eggs. I was laughing so hard it wasn’t even right. I just finished re-reading this post and I’m in tears. I look forward to what Dobby gets into in the future

  29. Rokkie from Please Be Chocolate

    My favorite are (is?) still the mother fucking eggs. 🙂

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