A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Boobs, when bras attack, and Rob Delaney loves me

Last night two of my girlfriends and I went to see Rob Delaney perform in Atlanta. He’s a comedian I’ve come to know and love through his consistent hilarity on Twitter such as:


 


 

And those are some of his cleaner Tweets, so don’t bother following him if you are *uncomfortable* with combos like filthy high chair straps and Mexican prostitutes. Trust me on this one. Personally, I think he’s magically delicious, but you know me; I’m not quite right in the head.

Also? I don’t mean to brag or anything, but Rob Delaney told me he loves me (and my raunchy friends). Kinda. So I’ve got that going for me.

rob delaney loves the bearded iris on twitter

But when you’re a 42-year-old WAHM like me who doesn’t get out much, a Wednesday night out with the girls can be a real killer.

In fact, I woke up with a strange limp today. And the only explanation I can come up with is that I must have laughed so hard at the show last night that I injured myself.

You see, I don’t have one of those glorious out-loud laughs like some people. I’m more of a silent-but-deadly laugher. My friend Kate though, who was sitting on my left last night… she has one of those amazingly contagious hearty “guffaw” laughs. Her laughter actually turns heads and makes other people smile and laugh along. Comedians should pay her to sit in the audience; she is that good.

But me? Since my laughter is so quiet, I think I developed a tick as a child to slap myself in the leg repeatedly when something is really funny so people will see me and know I’m laughing along. That’s right folks. I’m a knee-slapper. A real-live-honest-to-God-knee-slapper. And I laughed so hard last night and slapped myself in the leg so many times that I injured myself.

Jesus, I’m getting old.

And when you’re old, and tired, and injured, and super lazy, you tend to throw your clothes on your bedroom/desk chair at night instead of putting them where they belong.

messy office and bedroom

But this is (one of many reasons) why you shouldn’t do that:

the bearded iris has a bra stuck to her back

Yep. That’s my bra…

…stuck to the back of my sweater.

I got up from my desk this morning to get more coffee and when I walked by the mirror, out of the corner of my eye I noticed something long and black slinking behind me.

Y’all, it scared the bezeezus out of me.

For a second there, I thought a raccoon or a stray cat or something had snuck up behind me.

Thank God I was home alone because I’m pretty sure I shrieked a little. And then when I figured out it was just my bra from last night I was so relieved. That’s fucked up, right there. “Oh thank God that’s just a bra on my back and not a raccoon.”

bra vs raccoon by the bearded irisI can’t decide if the lesson here is that I should get out more or put more effort into putting my things away.

Regardless, I am just grateful I didn’t drive my kids to school this morning and walk them in to their classrooms. As if my kids need yet another reason to be embarrassed by their mom.

One last thing: some of my blogger friends and I have volunteered to be “big sisters” for some new(er) bloggers we know. I got paired up with a cutie-patootie named Stephanie of Binkies and Briefcases. I liked her right away because she has a tutorial on her blog for making Sweater Puppets.

As in, puppets…made out of recycled sweater sleeves. Duh.

Only, bless her heart, she didn’t know that the term “Sweater Puppets” is actually a euphemism for “boobs.” 

Of course, as her official blogging big sister, I set her straight…eventually. Once I stopped laughing, that is.

Ironically, Stephanie has a really large pair of actual sweater puppets herself. In fact, she wrote a really funny letter to Santa about her fun-bags that I published for her today In The Powder Room. Whether you have boobs, wish you had boobs, or just enjoy boobs in general, there is something for everyone in her post today. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

Yours truly,
Leslie

28 Comments

  1. Stephanie

    Clearly I have the best blogging big sister ever. My sweater puppets (both kinds) thank you.

  2. The Sadder But Wiser Girl

    I want a blogging big sister! How does one get signed up for such a program? Is it necessary to demonstrate need for this? Anyone who reads my blog knows I need a ton of help in many departments.

    I’ve been attacked by a few bras in my day. The black ones are always the sneakiest. Stealth bras!

  3. Stephanie

    I always thought it was “Sweater Puppies”, not puppets? That’s what I’ve heard in the Midwest, anyway…

  4. Teri

    Cracking up!! I don’t have much to fill a sweater puppet but if I did, I’d want a bra attached to it. Yes, both. 😉

  5. Tea Silvestre, aka the Word Chef

    This is the first I’ve heard of any Big Sisters for Bloggers program. Tell us more? Also – thanks for over-sharing. Again!

  6. Alexandra

    I’m a silent laugh assaulter. I slap OTHER people’s thighs so they know I’m laughing.

    xo

  7. Lisa Hewitt

    Lucky Rob Delaney Bitch! I’m not glad you got hurt or anything, but now you know how your readers feel. Going to check out Binkies & Briefs. Nice Bra BTW.

  8. dominique

    OMG, thank gosh you didn’t go out public! It’s like when you put on your jeans from yesterday that were laying on the closet floor..and 3 hours later at a really appropriate time (not) your undies, also from yesterday, fall out the bottom of your pant leg!

  9. Bernie Bickers

    1) Could have been worse, could have strapped a C 36 raccoon across your chest

    2) Re: Sweater Puppets – I was at a very uptight business meeting today where an investment manager was asked “How to you adjust your portfolio?”. He responded that he could adjust his risk up or down by metaphorically ‘turning a knob’ and investing more or less. To which the person questioning him asked him in front of 20 shocked people, “How does your knob look right now?”

  10. Val

    Oh. My. Lord. I may or may not have snorted, out-loud-for-reals, while reading this. The bra tail is awesome, as I have been there myself. I don’t recall a bra being attached to me, but it was some sort of clothing item that didn’t belong, and it scared the shit out of me.

  11. lisa thomson

    Love it! The bra tail is very becoming on you! I love that I’m not the only one who throws their clothes all over instead of hanging them up or yikes, even worse, folding them? No way!

  12. Hmmmm

    When I was a kid I made up a song called I want big boob to the song of I like big butts. Turns out, I got em, LOL

  13. Kim P

    Ya know, I’m not one of those people who writes “LOL” on every post worthy of a snicker but holy bejeepers….LOL. I think I would have been a bit startled too by something slinking around behind me …hehehe snort … raccoon. Still snickering. Can’t help it.

  14. Amy

    This made me laugh out loud. And by laugh out loud, I mean I was snickering quietly as my shoulders moved up and down. So funny! Jealous about the Rob Delaney show. Would totally shave my toes for that.

  15. Allysgrandma

    Decided to read on mini pad while waiting for my dog to finish his business so I can go to bed…..omgosh lol while slapping my knee. I think I gotta share with my hairy hunk.

  16. Arnebya

    I am a combo laugher: I yell and slap. I yell and slap my own leg and others’ backs. Sometimes I push. Like Elaine. And then I cry. Yes, y’all, I tear up when I laugh I AM SO AVAILABLE FOR YOUR NEXT PARTY.

    I’m glad it was your own booby trap attached to you and not a wayward ferret.

  17. Trish

    Too, too funny! You’re hilarious!

    At least, it wasn’t a great big ol’ white, industrial-strength Grandma-bra that was attacking you. Then we’d all see THAT secret side!

  18. Kelley

    So not only is the post hilarious, but the comments are pretty good too! I want to add my name to the blogging big sister list! Thanks for cracking me up (I’m also a quiet snickerer whose shoulders move up and down!) in the middle of my workday! 😀

  19. Hollow Tree Ventures

    Sweater puppets? Maybe. Mine are more like sweater marionettes.

    Hilarious post as always – thanks for the much-needed laugh. 🙂

  20. Brittany

    Okay this is HILARIOUS. I laughed so hard at your bra-tail that I almost woke my sleeping baby. And thank you oh so much for introducing me to Rob Delaney! Because I am up late while the family is sleeping and I am dying laughing about his bit on Conan O’brien about hairy women. So freaking hilarious!

  21. Kim

    Love this whole post. I could go on and on about loving Rob, about my lazy pile of clothes, and my repressed laughter but I’m really stuck on this…umm, where can I get a big sister like you??!!! Where the hell is the application for this charity? Why am I not enrolled? Shit,I’ll even pay membership dues.

  22. lea

    I remember sitting in a final exam in college and feeling something balled up in the bottom of my sweatpants. I discreetly reached down inside the pants leg and discovered yesterday’s underwear, or possibly last week’s underwear.

  23. Alex@LateEnough

    Oh the bra raccoon is a sneaky bastard. I wore my skirt inside out for most of the day last week. That was fun.

  24. Suniverse

    And yet you still looks stylish.

    HOW DO YOU PULL THAT OFF?

    I miss you and your sexy bras. And flannel nighties.

    XO

  25. Robin Jingjit

    Ouch! I laughed so hard and suddenly about the racoon part that I pulled something in my stomach!

  26. Heather

    Oh no, that would have made me jump too. Thank goodness you were working at home and not in an office eh!

  27. Bonnie

    I just happened on this sight.. And laughed so hard.. Because it sounds like me…one time I went to work and my baby left a sucker on the back of my shirt.. Don’t know how long I was sporting that…

© 2021 The Bearded Iris

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑