A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

“Mommy, how did I get out of your tummy?”

I’ve told you before that our dinner conversations tend to be pretty, uh…colorful, much to my sweet husband’s dismay.

Well, we had another doozy this week.

This was one of those moments when you wish you had a video camera rolling. But since I didn’t (do we ever when we really need them?), I’ll have to attempt to reenact the dialogue from the way I saw it unfold.

It went a little something like this…

Mini-Me (10 y.o. girl): Mom, have you ever missed the bus and had to chase it to get on?

Me: I don’t think so. I had to walk to school when I was your age. But I did have to run my hardest through an airport once to catch a flight. You were with me, do you remember that?

Nature-Boy (13 y.o.): I remember that. You were crying and we were all running.

Mini-Me: You were crying? In an airport? RUNNING? With us? I don’t remember that!

Me: Well I was about 6 months pregnant with Bucket Head and we were going to Arizona to visit your Bubbie and Zaydie, and we were super late, and my e-ticket wouldn’t work, and it was a mess. But yes, we had to run, HARD. I was crying because I was stressed out and afraid. We made the flight though. Nobody wants to get in the way of a sprinting pregnant lady.

Bucket Head (5 y.o. boy): You mean, I was in your tummy and you were running in an airport? That’s so silly, Mom.

Me: Yep. You were in my tummy…and you were HUGE.

Bucket Head: But Mom? How did I get OUT of your tummy?

(Mini-Me and Nature Boy’s eyes widened with excitement and/or fright.)

Mini-Me: (stage whisper) Should I tell him, Mom?

Me: NO. Don’t tell him yet. Not now. We’re eating. Daddy doesn’t like when we talk about stuff like that at the table. And I should tell him, not you. But thanks for the offer.

Bucket Head: Does the doctor cut the baby out?

Me: Sometimes. Pass the sour cream, honey.

Bucket Head: Well one time? The news was on? And Mommy was up in her room texting? And I saw a Mommy having a baby on TV. She was going like this [he grabbed the table with both hands, tightly shut his eyes, and made a sustained difficult pushing sound] and then she pooped out her baby…right out of her BUTT! I don’t think I was supposed to be watching that show.

The rest of us: ::giggle::

The Gatekeeper: You have to tell him now. You can’t let him think that babies get pooped out.

Me: It’s not totally inaccurate. Remember the sausage and peppers?

The Gatekeeper: Dude. We’re eating.

Me: (To GK) You said to tell him! (To BH) Right, you probably shouldn’t have been watching that show, buddy. But no, that mom didn’t poop out her baby.

Bucket Head: Really? Because it looked like it was coming out of her butthole. And it was all gross like poop.

Me: Most babies come out of their Mommy’s vagina.

Bucket Head: WHAT? (Deadpan face.)

Me: Vagina. Babies get pushed out of vaginas. And it’s hard work, so Mommies have to push and grunt and it’s messy. But it’s awesome.

Mini-Me: (Very concerned) But mom? A baby’s head is like this big, and a vagina is only that big. Do vaginas stretch out THAT much? (Holding her hands out like the size of her dinner plate.)

Me: Yep.

Mini-Me: How long do they stay stretched out like that?

Me: Oh…pretty much forever. Why do you think I wear such big pants?

The Gatekeeper: (Slowly shakes head in defeat.)

Mini-Me: I’m never having sex, ever.

Bucket Head: I AM. I want to poop out a baby! 

I don’t really remember what happened next, because I was laughing too hard.

And end scene. 

hide and seek bucket head



  1. Angela

    Haha! Just what i needed this morning!

  2. Mary Anne F51

    Oh you all crack me up! Such nice dinner table convo dontcha think? I ant wait for the day you remind him of this conversation when he is in the delivery room with his wife…..

  3. megryansmom

    Next time I’m in Georgia, I’m coming to dinner!

  4. Cath

    Classic Bearded Iris. I LOVE it. Thanks for the laughs.

  5. Tracy @ Momaical

    My best friend always said to new moms of girls “Oh, look! You shit a friend.” Now, I see it’s even more accurate. Love your dinner conversations and the Gatekeepers attempt to squash them.

  6. Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table!

    Oh gawd, I love your children. I can’t wait until mine ask more specific questions… Right now we are stuck on “I came out of mommy’s tummy. I was cold so I cwied. Den dey wapped me in a bwanket and I got warm. Den I cwied cause… cause I wanted milk…” and so on. Not NEARLY as interesting!

  7. Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table!

    Also… I just read your “Italian Sausage Incident” post. I am laughing so hard my boss is concerned… I am also glad I am not the only one. You see, second time round, Hubbs and I were not as concerned about the baby coming so the night before my induction I ate a HUGE Italian meal. The next day, during the delivery AND while holding one of my legs, Hubbs had the audacity to ask me (infront of the Dr. and all the nursing staff) “Did you just poop Dark Matter?”.

    He was lucky I was numb from the wist down and couldn’t move….

  8. Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0

    I was smiling when I read this, thinking about how lucky I was that I had a c-section and wouldn’t have to tell my son that he came out of my vagina… Then I got to the part about big pants and LLOLed (literally laughed out loud). Now he wants to know why I’m laughing. So, thanks a lot.

  9. tracey

    This. Was. Awesome.

    And great birth control!

  10. paulheels@gmail.com

    I have a beard.

    This is quite awesome.

  11. Angela

    Love it! I will never forget my labor and delivery nurse with my first child said these wise wide words to me as I was freaking out about all this birthing stuff, ” just pretend like you are taking the biggest shit of your life”! Yep … Yep, thats what it was like. With my singles that worked fine but with the twins I thought that will never work. I can take a big shit once a day but to push out two of them … No way! Lucky for me that baby A was so far down there that the second I spread my legs she basically just fell out! And baby B put up a little bit more of a fight but not much. Since they were kids #4 and 5 the tightness factor was not in effect any longer!

  12. L. Hewitt

    I love you and would like to come to dinner, please.

  13. Arnebya

    Dinner conversations always devolve into absurdity. I can’t imagine our two families dining together. THAT SHIT WOULD BE CLASSIC, YO, all titties, farts, and vaginas. And maybe talk of butt hangers YOU NEVER KNOW.

  14. KymberlyFunFit

    I would call this excellent parenting as your daughter has now sworn off sex for at least a few years. Enough to get her through high school without pooping out any babies, at least. Way to plan!

  15. Amanda A.

    Another story that had me laughing out loud with a couple of tears. Oh how I would love to hear and see one of your dinner conversations. I have a girl and three boys and I have to say that my daughter can be the worst offender at the dinner table. She tends to start the gross conversations. I do have to say that at least BH had the courage to ask his questions and have what he saw explained. Thanks for the laughs.

  16. Kristen

    I am dying

    • Kristen

      …dying laughing. That wasn’t a signal to call 911.

  17. Rachel Fruitloop

    This is so fantastic!!! I am laughing so hard! My son asked me how the baby would get out of my tummy when I was pregnant with his brother, so he was two, almost three. I told him that the baby would come down my “birth canal” and I’ll be damned if he didn’t tell every neighbour, friend and shop clerk we came into contact with for about 2 weeks after that. Luckily, hearing that phrase come out of the mouth of a two-year-old never really gets old!

  18. Angie

    Laughing out loud sitting in my office at work and everyone thinks I’m nuts! But this is freaking HILARIOUS!!!

  19. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    Now the publicist spit her coffee all OVER me while I was typing my blog with my hooves. I DO NOT appreciate this.

    I DO NOT!

    She did say that at least you have instilled solid birth control in your daughter for now.
    As she spit MORE COFFEE on my furs.

  20. Julie

    I don’t think anyone would eat at a dinner table filled with your kids and mine – there would be WAAAAY too much inappropriateness and snort-laughing for any actual eating to occur! Love it!

  21. Finding me

    I would pay good money if you’d let me eat supper with y’all one night. Heck, I’d even cook AND clean up! Thanks for brightening my day.

  22. Teri

    Absolutely hysterical!!! And perfect dinner conversation!!!

  23. Dyanne @ I Want Backsies

    Your Mini-me and I think alike. I remember sitting in my childbirthing class (which turned out to be a huge waste of time), watching the childbirth video and thinking how a baby’s head is THIS big and my foo-foo is only THIS big, and my limited knowledge of physics says that ain’t happening. I was so relieved when my OB said I had a narrow pelvis (who knew?) and a possibly 10+ pound baby, and he would be using the trap door. And it made telling the “how did the baby get out” story sooooooooo much easier!

  24. Heather Novak

    FANTASTIC! I love it. We are usually just trying to squelch table farting at out dinners. Maybe convo will get better when my kewpies are older?

  25. lisa thomson

    Oh, my gosh! I love it. I’m laughing my ass off right now. When my daughter asked her and her little bro were in the back seat of the car with me. I answered casually that they come out the vagina. My son who was three at the time just looked confused. Then my daughter asked “…well, if they come out that way-how do they get in there in the first place?”. S**t, ummmmmm.

  26. Fiveogrrl

    Oh Holy tap dancing Jesus. I can’t wait until mine asks how he was conceived…..

  27. Handflapper

    Explaining to my then six-year-old son how he got out of my tummy wasn’t nearly as interesting as explaining how he got in there in the first place. For some reason the precocious brat wouldn’t be satisfied with the standard “when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much. . .” It was “how?” and “how?” and “But HOW???” over and over and then of course, it was “Ewwww. You did THAT with my daddy???”

    • Erika

      Baby #4 is due in a few weeks and my 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions. He loves to know how things work and kept asking more detailed questions, too. Yup, he also had the Ewwwww!!! face when I had to explain intercourse. I told him that he’d understand a lot better when he got older, and I did try to keep it in simple, accurate terms for him. No more sex questions from him since then though!

  28. Kendall Powell

    How timely…our 5 y.o. daughter has been asking every adult in our family to PLEASE PLEASE tell her how babies get out of mommies’ tummies! We have been putting her off because we don’t want her to be THAT kid at preschool educating everyone else about it. Ha, now I see we should just embrace it!!!

    Thanks as always for the laughs and wise guidance. (Your husband must be related to my mother who is always the one shaking her head whenever ‘bodily function talk’ arrives at the dinner table…as it inevitably does in our house!).

  29. Virginia Llorca

    Sounds like you have a good conversation network with your family. I hope it always remains so as it grows more important. But I am REALLY sorry your vagina remained stretched out forever. But then again, I always had tears or episiotomies so maybe I got the “mercy stitch”. Love your writing voice. Hate the moustache. Auto correct so wants that to say “moist ache” speaking of . . .

  30. Sarah L

    Oh, the moments we missed by having our children at home… my kids have been watching birth videos since they were a year and a half old, so they know exactly where babies come from. That conversation about how they got in there, though, that was a little awkward. First of all, I was sitting on the toilet when my 5 year old decided to push the issue. I eeked out the information as grudgingly as I could, but she kept pushing it. Finally, I just told her. Her eyes got huuuuuge, her face paled, and she just turned around and left the room. On the other hand, maybe that was because of my activities at the time, and not because of the information I had shared – it’s hard to know for sure.

  31. carey

    I can only hope this conversation goes as well at our house… hopefully not soon. But thanks for the laugh and the tips.

  32. Beth Woodford

    Oh I love this so much! When my son was 3, I walked in to find him watching a nature show. Mother sea turtle was covering her eggs in the sand with her flippers. I saw a sweet learning moment, as I wasn’t sure he could tell exactly what was going on. I asked DS if he knew what mother turtle was doing. He said “Of course, she’s protecting the eggs she just pooped out of her ca ji na.” Alrighty then.

  33. Jane

    I love your family!!

  34. julie gardner

    Moral of the story:

    Don’t visit your parents in Arizona.

    The end.

    (Addendum: Say no to sausage and peppers, too.)

  35. Danielle

    LOL…hilarious! You are my favorite.

  36. The Sadder But Wiser Girl

    OH MY! Your kids are so cool-they should totally hang with mine. Butts and poop are totally in the conversation at my house. No pooping out babies though!

  37. tracy@sellabitmum

    It’s totally okay that my 10 year old girl still believes in magic dust and storks, and that the only difference between boys and girls is the length of their hair, right?


  38. Frugalistablog

    I want to come to dinner at your house, AND I will bring my flip camera. Deal?

  39. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    I want to have dinner at your table every night.

  40. Jennifer

    Well we all know he’s going to change his mind about that.

  41. RachRiot

    Oh sweet Christ on a cracker– I want to have the convo with my 10 yr. old son but he keeps avoiding it! Which leads me to believe he’s been comparing notes with his nasty little friends… Meanwhile, my 6 yr. old daughter interrogates me every chance she gets.
    I gave her a few vague details and she has decided to adopt.

  42. Katrina

    Omg I laughed so hard…
    Tho I will say I’m not looking forward to this convo with my daughter. ( she is my stepdaoughter) she really hasn’t asked how it happens yet.. Tho she keeps telling me and her father that she want to have a baby sister, or a brother.. She even said once that’s should just have twins so that she can be a big sister to the little girl and her older brother can be a big brother to the boy.. ( she wants a girl , he want a boy…). I keep thing great.. How the hell I’m I going to explain one baby coming out of there let alone two….
    Thanks for the laugh.. I needed it I had a horrable two days .. And this just made it so much better !!

  43. Kristen M.

    That’s great. I wish our dinner conversations were that fun. Maybe in a couple years…

    My 5yo calls it pooping too. As in, “Mom, who pooped out Aunt Erin? And who pooped out YOUR mom?”

  44. Julie DeNeen

    Dying. I love the part about the baggy pants. I spit my tea out nearly on my laptop.

  45. Roshni

    Okay, I don’t want you to think that I’m spamming your site, but I just HAVE to share this story of the same talk with similar ‘conclusions’ being drawn! Do read when you get a chance! http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2012/08/where-babies-come-fromum.html

  46. Kristin @ What She Said

    Okay, as funny as this was, that piece you linked to over at ITPR? Oh. My. God. Laughing so hard. “Did I just poop?” “Yes… actually, you’ve been pooping for a while now.” Between that and the paraplegic puppy reference, you, my friend, painted one hell of a masterpiece with words.

    Also, I’ve never been more happy to have had a C-section.

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