A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Public apology, good news, marriage humor, & Steubenville…

So this is the post where I have to publicly apologize to my husband because it wasn’t just the Man-Flu.


He had bronchitis.

And ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.

(You’re welcome.)

But The Gatekeeper is on the mend thanks to modern medicine, and we are all so grateful for his improved health (and fewer disgusting noises).

I’m sorry I doubted you, honey.

(But do me a solid and stop getting sick and/or whining so damn much every time you have the sniffles so I’ll believe you next time and get you to the doctor sooner, for fuck sake.)

Moving on.

Hey – last week was CRAZY. Between my sick husband and my birthday (which was awesome, thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes on Facebook and Twitter!), I also had three posts in other places.

Which is great for me, but a little challenging for you if you want to keep up with me. (And if you do, I thank you from the bottom of my duodenum.)

Kludgy MomI wrote a guest post for Gigi at Kludgy Mom titled “The Catch-22 of Blogging and Social Media.” If you’re not a blogger, go ahead and skip that one (unless you just want to hear some inside scoop about the blogging scene and why so many of us are losing our minds lately.)  It’s been getting lots of great feedback from fellow bloggers and even a lovely shout-out from the head of iBlog Magazine:

Screen Shot 2013-03-25 at 10.07.54 AM

He said “fantastic read.” OMG. How sweet is he?! Thanks Matt! Oh wait…is it because I mentioned my nipples twice?


Hey, whatever it takes. I’m just using what the Good Lord gave me: my wits. Don’t judge.

Read Me In the Powder Room!

I was also In The Powder Room three different times.

First, here, sharing some awesome news about several of the In The Powder Room writers (including myself).

Then, for my regular weekly column, I wrote a humor piece titled A brief history of marriage vows, which made me laugh out loud while I was writing it (always a good sign).

And finally, I wrote this round up of what I thought were the most powerful articles on the WWW last week concerning the Steubenville rape case. Not a light read, and a trigger alert is definitely in order if you decide to read some of the posts I’ve highlighted. But it’s such an important topic and one that we really must tackle head-on if we want to make any improvements as a society toward ending the rape culture that unfortunately exists today.

Busy week, I know.

It’s really rather unlike me to be so prolific. Usually I’m too busy moving piles of stuff from one room to another to get so much done, but I guess my new light box is kicking in.

Now if only I could channel all that energy toward finishing my bathroom remodel or removing the hair from my toes for sandal season.


It’s way more fun to blog about sick husbands and dirty priests and nipples.

Speaking of fun things to do on the Internet, I just so happened upon this conversation on Twitter the other day…


As you were.



  1. Anne (@notasupermom)

    Thanks for the shout out! My favorite midlife superheroes were Captain American’t, Thor Back and Knees, and Hot Flash.

    • The Bearded Iris

      You are brilliant. The end.

  2. L. Hewitt

    Where can I get one of those lights? #wornoutfromjustfollowingyourass. (but damn you are good).

  3. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    You are busier than AbbyGoat – and she just spit out triplets! The publicist says that she does not have time for all the social stuff because of us goats. I don’t understand what she means – we practically take care of ourselves! She just does what she does and that is that.

    I on the other hoof would like to be a very social goat but most people do not let goats into their groups. It’s discrimination of the highest order. I am a polite goat. I try not to burp in public. I cannot help the gas thing – I have four stomachs!

    Also, what is wrong with a beard – I have one and find it very stylish. In fact mine is better than Abby’s….

  4. Jane

    You’ve come so far from the days of blogging about cleaning your closets! Way to go Super Iris!
    (P.S. I wonder if the lady that got no time gets any money for that song? Does she know how famous she really is??)

    • The Bearded Iris

      So funny, Janie. That is true. Hey, we all have to start somewhere. Those closet cleaning posts were awesome though. Camel toe?! C’mon. You know you miss the camel toe photos. 😉

  5. Stacia

    Well your week was way more fun than mine. Mine was about me telepathically beating my husband to death during March Madness and wrangling a boy child, who’s not even 2, into his bed… not crib because 21 month old ain’t got no time fo cribs!!! shooooot. lé sigh.

  6. Menopausal Mother

    Good Lord you’re a busy woman! What’s your secret? Caffeine IV drip? You hanging out with nocturnal creatures to get all this stuff done or what? Congrats on the success!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you, MM. My secret? My secret is that everything else in my life is falling apart. I haven’t exercised in months (years?), my house is a wreck, etc. That’s my secret. And when I reprioritize to take better care of myself, my home, my family, then my blogging/writing/social media connections all suffer. I haven’t cracked the code, but when I do, I’ll sell it to you for $19.99 plus S&H. Deal?

  7. Kir

    I seriously love you…and your wits. 😉

  8. Heather Novak

    Ain’t NOBODY got time for dat. I think I peed my pants a little. At least your whining hub’s illness brought us Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That.

    Life is bet—-oh wait. Nope. No…I guess watching that didn’t make anyone’s life better.

    (You better just stick to my one finger touch rule, Old Girl!)

  9. Carrie Zier

    As a newbie blogger, I found your post about blogging perfect!! And funny. And sad. No really – I feel like I could get sucked into the blackhole of Twitter and never return. I really just want to write.
    Thanks for writing! And you are freaking hysterical 🙂
    Happy belated birthday!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you Carrie! I like your mustache. SO BUSHY!

  10. Amanda @ Werdyab

    Glad your husband is feeling better! Man-flu/ bronchitis/ allergies/ crick in the neck/ ingrown toe nail/ hunger pains/ etc. can be so hard for men. Bless their hearts.

    I just read your article about blogging on Kludgy and it really resonated with me. I’m one of the most social people that you’d ever meet (in person), but I royally suck at social networking for my blog. I always feel like when I try to connect, I just look needy or marketing-y, so I usually don’t because of that insecurity. And, I have trouble finding the energy that I need to be as social online as I should be. Between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and whatever the next social media platform will be (please God, NO MORE SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS), I barely found time to wash my hair and you DO NOT want to see this mop unwashed.

    So when I got sick, I made a decision to quit worrying about pageviews, shout outs and connections, and simply write when I wanted to write. The good news is that my blog doesn’t own me anymore. The bad news is that I feel like I’m being left behind. It’s hard to find that balance. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Amanda! Yeah, I hate that feeling of being left behind too. So hard.

  11. lisa thomson

    First, I’m glad you’re hubby is getting better after we all made fun of him last week. Dat video is hilarious, Nobody got time fo dat-dat’s going to go through my mind every time someone pisses me off or I feel like they’re wasting my time. Kay, I can’t keep up with yo ass, Leslie. I read the social media piece, and agree. It’s getting crazy trying to keep up with all the blogging interaction. I stop and ask myself if I really care what this person has to say? If the answer is no, then I move on…ruthless!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks for reading that piece, Lisa! It really is so hard to keep up. “Ruthless” is a great word and way to be when it comes to Internet time. We have to be ruthless with our time or we’ll turn around and be 89 years old and have nothing to show for it but an Internet cache of cute kittens sleeping in hammocks. Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!

  12. Lisa Newlin

    I think you definitely had to mention your nipples twice….I mean, you do have two of them and you don’t want to leave the right one out. My left one is better. Isn’t everyone’s?

    • The Bearded Iris

      My left one is TOTALLY better. Why is that? Huh…

      • Lisa Newlin

        I have a theory that it’s based upon a combination of sexual prowess, unique taste in cupcake flavors, a strong reality TV acumen, and level of attractiveness.

        Obviously the last component is crucial.

        And do you really have THREE Lisas commenting in a row on your post? I believe you’ve achieved a tri-fecta of awesomeness, which is no easy feat.

        Celebrate with a cupcake. I know I’m going to.

  13. Lisa

    Well dammit I missed your birthday. Here is a blog comment for you, I hope it fits because I didn’t keep the receipt. Happy Belated Birthday! Glad The Gatekeeper is feeling better and just so you aren’t put in the position of having to publicly apologize again may I suggest something really subtle like having you kids act out “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” as dinner theater one night?

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! Great suggestion, Lisa. My kids would really have fun with that…especially if the wolf kept coughing and shivering and looking all pathetic with his hoodie pulled up over his head. 😉

      Thank you for the birthday wishes! It was a great one.

  14. Kelly

    I hadn’t read your Steubenville round-up yet, so I’m off to read that now. I’ve been struggling with that news lately and trying to figure out how I’m going to respond as a parent, even though my girl is only 5.

    And I’m saving your funny post for reading after that!

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