A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Nine things I will never say at home

My husband and I have been watching a lot of TV at night lately. I mean A LOT… like entire-seasons-of-things-in-three-days-a-lot.

The good news is that there is some great stuff on TV these days: Downton Abbey, The Walking DeadOrange is the New Black, Call the Midwife

The bad news is OMG, I HAVE WATCHED HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF TV THIS SUMMER.

Maybe it’s time for some TV detox.

At least until the new season of The Walking Dead.

But until then, all this couch-time reminded me of a list I wrote last year. It might be new to you, and it will give me a chance to make my family room look and smell less like one of those Febreze commercials.

 Nine things I will never say at home:

#9   “Here Honey, you hold the remote.”

#8   “Could you please turn down the TV? I want to be able to hear the kids… and you, eating those grapes.”

#7   “You know what would take my mind off these cramps? A big black dog all up in my biznatch.”

#6   “NOOOOOO! For the love of all that is Holy, catch the fucking BALL!”

#5   “Wait—let ME answer the phone! It’s probably your Mom and I’ve been dying to hear all about her new chair. It swivels, you know!”

#4   “Mmmm, these throw pillows smell awesome.”

#3   “Nah, who needs a Ryan Gosling movie? Let’s go upstairs and keep the lights on.”

#2   “Microwave S’Mores? Gross! I’d rather have one ounce of unsalted raw organic fair trade almonds, thanks.”

#1    “I can’t see the TV; my boobs are in the way.”


 

44 Comments

  1. TishM

    #3. LMFAO!!!

  2. Kerstin

    #5 – dying. I avoided talking to my MIL for four years after moving to Canada, until she came to visit…

  3. Jane

    Hilarious!!

  4. Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?

    Awesome. And that pic is priceless.

  5. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    #4 to the moon and back.
    WTF is that smell on my damn throw pillows??

    • Sarah

      It’s a decade’s worth of husband fart and kid funk… oh wait, that’s MY throw pillows. I’m sure yours smell like unicorn farts and rainbows.

  6. Jessica

    Choked on my coffee at number 3. Awesome.

  7. Jester Queen

    “bizsnatch”. Awesome. And the photographic evidence of the labrador is even better.

  8. Alison

    I’m distracted by your pink pants. What big black dog?

  9. Cathy Cantu

    Love, love the dog photo! And #3 and #1!

  10. Anne (@notasupermom)

    I’m glad it’s not just my throw pillows.

  11. London City (Mum)

    You forgot one.
    #10 “Don’t look at ME! I am far too well mannered to let an SBD* slip out.”

    LCM x

    * silent but deadly

  12. Lisa Hewitt

    You have got to quit posting that picture! Get some rest.

  13. TennaWho

    #1 … sooooo #1. All I use them for is to tell the weather.

  14. Kelley

    Ha! This is hilarious and sounds exactly what I wouldn’t say at home. Especially about the boobs. I need to start a fund.

  15. Kim @ Coffee Pot Chronicles

    OMFG. That is some seriously funny shit right there.

    In my household there is often some variation of #9 and definitely#5. I adore my mother in law but she’s a bit on the negative side at times so I always tell my husband, “It’s YOUR mother so you need to call her/answer the phone.” He tries to avoid her and I usually yell at him for it. LOL.

  16. Amber

    Clearly, I need a dog.

  17. Daryce

    So in my eagerness to begin reading what you wrote I skipped the title (something I do often when reading books-who needs chapter titles anyway?) and as I read each one, I thought there’s not a chance I would say ANY of these things – what the hell is the Bearded Iris talking about?! I thought we had a connection, a kinship…but wait, let me go back to the top to find out what the hell this is all about…aaahhhh, nevermind. Another humorous, make me giggle and pee (just a little) post. Keep ’em coming little lady!

  18. Kate

    Love the list! …especially #8 (I HATE, Hate, hate hearing people chomping and chewing), #4 (mine are dog and fats… my throw BLANKETS smell the worst—even after laundering), and #1.

  19. Jana (@jana0926)

    hahhahaah! fabulous!

  20. Laura@Catharsis

    What’s wrong with 100% unsalted organic fair trade almonds??? I’M TOTALLY JOSHING YOU. I might say #1, but only if I were hanging upside down. Cuz they’re floppy and saggy like that.

  21. Jen

    “It’s a good thing you didn’t turn the fan on this morning. I love brushing my teeth in the aftermath of your morning dump.”

  22. Evil Joy

    Love this! I want to print it out and say each one to see what happens when I do! I think they would stare at me and wonder if it was official…mom was on the edge and jumped off…..

  23. Heather Novak

    “Don’t get up Honey, I’ll GET MY OWN drink/cell phone/crying child/laundry buzzer….” Is it wrong I am so very grateful he pampers me, but not so grateful that I could ever be as sweet to him? UGH. I dunno what you are thinking about farting…it is the Novak Mating Call around here. Maybe. Or not. And maybe that s’plains some things. And all these weeks I have thought it was the little kids who live here and won’t leave.

  24. JD @ Honest Mom

    #8 – OMFG I don’t want to hear anyone in my house eating. EVER. Every human in this house is such a gross eater. GAH!

    #4 – Christ almighty, why DO my pillows smell so rank? Really. Why???

    #3 – *snort*

    #1 – yup. Me too.

  25. Kristen

    UGH with the grapes already! My husband always does that! Or cashews, which are worse, because they also smell like nasty feet.

  26. Amy Denby

    I’ll have a #7, please, no, make that a #8 with extra grapes, NO!, a #5…oh heck, I love them all. Funny stuff.

  27. Stephanie Sprenger

    Words cannot express how much I love that post. Preach on, sister.

  28. Suniverse

    Are we twins?

    We are, aren’t we?

    Except for the boobs thing.

  29. CindyLou

    OMG, number 8 almost made me choke. This whole list is too funny.

    LOL at all the comments too.

  30. Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0

    I’m three episodes away from the end of OITNB, and I’m dreading it. How awesome is that show??

  31. whencrazymeetsexhaustion

    What is it with big black dogs and our crotches? I’ve got one (a dog and a crotch) who does the SAME thing. Good luck to you and the swivel chair convo 😉

    • Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments

      It was hard to read the rest of the list through my tears after seeing that picture, but, I managed.

  32. Laura

    #5 might be why we cancelled our home phone. Maybe.

  33. A Pleasant House

    I might add… Oh no. Not HGTV. I want Duck Dynasty. Yes- like THAT’s ever gonna happen. Sheesh….

  34. lisa thomson

    Yes, I love this list! My guy eats cereal in front of the t.v. when I’m watching a show. It’s quite loud…LOL. I’ll turn the volume up next time.

  35. Marcia@Menopausalmother

    You’re too damn funny. #3 and #5 Lol! Yeah, we’re all waiting for TWD…but I’m telling ya–I need to get you hooked on just one more show–American Horror Story. Lots of Walking Dead fans are into it—just make sure you never sleep alone after watching it…..

  36. L. Hewitt

    That’s it – I’m stealing the picture and framing it.

  37. Andrea

    Haaaaa ha. TV watching would be much better for everyone if everyone had their own TV.

    Including the dog.

  38. Allysgrandma

    Dexter, Ray Donovan, The Next Supermarket Superstar, Project Runway, The White Queen, Rizzoli and Isles, reruns of Modern Family.

    Looking forward to,the Walking Dead and Homeland!

  39. Jennifer

    Um… I’ve said no. 6. More than once.

    And I had to scroll back up to make sure no. 6 was really the one that I thought it was. Didn’t want you to think that was all about big black dogs being all up in my business.

  40. Caren

    I love you. Really. Is that too much? Probably, but I don’t care.

    I love the way you write. I love the way you plug your friends’ projects. And I love your lists.

    Ok, I’m done now. Promise, no stalksies.

  41. Linda Roy - elleroy was here

    #5 – hahahaha! Orange Is the New Black. Watched it in two days. Withdrawal was tough. Weaned myself with the book. Now I just get the shakes a little.

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