A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Ketchup is a Vegetable by Robin O’Bryant

Have I ever told you about my friend Robin O’Bryant?

We met online a couple of years ago through mutual friends and hit it off like peanut butter and chocolate. When we finally met in person at a blogging conference it felt like coming home, minus the piles of clutter and that wet dog smell.

Ketchup Front cover 200

Robin and I have the kind of relationship where I can text her questions like “Bucket Head says his butthole is itchy. I’m scared,” and she’ll text back sage advice like “Whatever you do, DO NOT Google Pinworms,” and then digitally hold me while I reply, “Too late. OMG. MY EYES!!”

Robin is a syndicated humor columnist in Mississippi and the author of The New York Times’ Best-Selling memoir, Ketchup is a Vegetable, which is available on Amazon or Barnes & Noble!

I loved this book SO MUCH, I actually managed to get off my butt and write an Amazon review for it:

I found myself laughing so hard that I thought the flight attendant was going to alert the Air Marshal… Robin O’Bryant makes me want to be a better mother and start calling my vagina a “coo-coo” or a “Britney.” And thank God my kids aren’t the only ones who walked around holding their own turds… in their HANDS. (“For. The. Love!”) I will definitely be sharing this book with all my mama-friends!

So, seriously, you need to buy this book.

Need more proof that Robin is one funny mother? Her three young daughters innocently call the fuel tank opening on her minivan a “gashole.” I know, right? Don’t you wish you thought of that?!

Lastly, let me leave you with this timely gem that Robin published last year at In The Powder Room. She was one of the first guest writers I ever had in my new job as Editor-in-Chief last fall and I could not love this post more if it were attached to my own placenta.


It’s not you, it’s me


I’d like to tell you that we aren’t such a great fit, that maybe you would find someone else better suited for you. But honestly? I think you may need professional help. I can’t be your everything. I can’t “complete” you. Jerry Maguire was a really subpar movie and you shouldn’t buy into that BS.

It’s not that I’m not attracted to you. You are cute. I could lay in the bed, snuggle with you and talk to you all day. When you are in the mood, that is. But there’s a darker side to you.

I just… I need to see other people… people who share common interests. People who believe I have value as a person and don’t interrupt me every time I open my mouth. I need to be around people who understand proper phone call etiquette—who know not to talk when I’m talking.

Stop talking.


Did you just THROW something at me?

See, this is the other thing. I’m tired of you hitting me. I value myself. I deserve better. I demand better.

You deserve better. You need to find people like you—short people who like to savor the taste of a nice 8-pack of crayons with a side of glue.

So really, I know you love me and I realize you think that I am, ‘Da Best Mommy in the Whole Wide World EBER,” but you are going to school today.

It’s not you, it’s me.

And a little bit you.

I love you, have a great day. Now get out of the car.

(Originally published by In The Powder Room. Reprinted with permission.)


Robin O’Bryant is a syndicated humor columnistauthor and blogger living in Mississippi. Her three daughters keep her laughing and/or gagging every day. She started blogging to document her family’s lives together and as a way to make other moms laugh and realize it REALLY is funny, when it’s happening to someone other than YOU! Connect with her on Twitter @RobinObryant.



  1. Famous SpokesGoat Pricilla

    You have a lot of famous friends. Writers, SpokesGoats, SuperMarketers for Kitchen and Bath products.
    You are lucky.

    This book sounds good enough to eat read.

  2. Snappy

    Awesome! I just purchased on my Kindle. Can’t wait to start reading it today when the kiddos are napping.

  3. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    Robin is the best. I bought the “Ketchup” book on my Kindle and I may be drawing some weird glances in carpool line because I am shaking with laughter while staring at my lap. (That’s because the Kindle is on my lap and Robin’s writing is so freaking hilarious, just to clarify.) Ellen

  4. whencrazymeetsexhaustion

    This lady FUNNY! I met her at a conference earlier this year and she had me in stitches during her “presentation,” which was really like a gal pal chat with a complete stranger but not really because she’s Southern and so welcoming. I read her book on the flight home and kept repeating excerpts for my seatmate. Who really was a stranger. And not Southern. He really appreciated that.

  5. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

    This book made me fall in love with Robyn back when it debuted. I knew she was a blogger and read her, but her book sealed the deal.
    I bought 3 copies and gifted them to friends this week. LOVE IT.

  6. HouseTalkN

    I love Robin and I love this book! Her words made me snort laugh and say to myself, “See, we are all flying our freak flags!”

  7. Anni

    HAHAHA soo funny, so I thought only me had thoughts like these. Glad to know there is company!

  8. Ziva

    Robin is awesome, even my hubby loves her book.

  9. Lisa Newlin

    I’m a little disappointed because I thought I was the friend you could text anything to. I thought we had something special.

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