A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Hey kids, don’t stick your tongues in there, m’kay?


As part of a new series we’ll call The Best of The Bearded Iris, the following is my most popular post of 2013 (originally published January 9, 2013). 

Happy New Year, friends. Stay warm today! 


Damn. Parenting is hard.

Every day is a veritable obstacle course of responsibilities and decisions.

And just when you feel like you’ve gotten one part of parenting down because nobody got a cavity this year or burned down the house with their new chemistry set, something else goes horribly wrong. It’s the Murphy’s Law of Parenting. 

Like that time I finally decided to let my baby “cry it out” for the first time, only to discover he had a raging fever.

Or the time I chose to purposely stretch out my toddler’s immunization schedule and as a result he contracted the worst case of Chicken Pox my pediatrician had seen in twenty years.

Let’s face it, you just can’t put your kid in a bubble and protect them from every danger out there.

But at least I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that my kids weren’t being exposed to BPA in their water bottles! That’s right, I finally plunked down the big bucks on fancy-schmancy stainless steel water bottles for all three of my children so they wouldn’t have to hydrate themselves with substandard plastic water bottles full of petrochemical-based carcinogens.

Only, the joke is on me, because according to the news recently, even those water bottles are putting my children at risk…of accidental death or dismemberment!

Can’t a mother get a break?

When water bottles kill by The Bearded Iris

No no, these stainless steel water bottles aren’t filled with radioactive isotopes or microorganisms that spontaneously combust.


Apparently our little darlings are sticking their tongues in those small-mouthed stainless steel bottles and their tongues are getting stuck, which can lead to tongue amputation or accidental suffocation.

Honest to Pete. I could not make it up if I tried.

Jeff Rossen of NBC’s Today Show did a special report about this very thing. And no, “it’s not a joke,” says Rossen.

The special report even included an animated graphic to help us fully comprehend the inherent danger of stainless steel water bottles:

Screen Shot 2013-01-09 at 10.22.51 AM

Thanks, NBC.

No, that’s not a red Christmas bulb, or a ripened jalapeño pepper, or my dog’s red rocket stuck in that water bottle of doom; it’s little Mary Kate’s tongue and it is vacuum sealed into that metal sarcophagus tighter than I’m packed into my pre-holiday mom jeans right now. And due to the child’s swelling tongue, the vacuum effect, and the noose-like metal threading inside the bottle’s opening, there is no way to just yank out Junior’s tongue without causing severe, possibly even permanent damage to it.

Good God, y’all. Is nothing safe?

It took a team of emergency room doctors over three hours of high-risk surgery to remove Mary Kate’s tongue from her water bottle, and then she was in the ICU for three days. She’s fine today, thank God. But her warning to other kids? “Don’t thtick your tongue in there. Itth a really big rithk.”

I’m glad she’s okay. And I’m guessing her adorable lisp is just an age-related thing and not the result of trauma.

But all joking aside: what’s a parent to do?

I thought I was doing a pretty good job with most of my parenting. I’ve taught my kids about stranger danger and Good Touch/Bad Touch and washing hands after going to the bathroom. They know not to stick a fork in the toaster, or chalk up their nose, or chewed gum down their pants (anymore). They know how to dial 9-1-1, do the Heimlich, and avoid venomous caterpillars. But in all my thirteen years of parenting, I never once thought to tell my kids to not stick their tongues into their metal water bottles.

And you’d think it would have crossed my mind, particularly since Bucket Head went through that sniffing and licking phase a couple years back.

bucket head licks a piñata

(Bless his heart.)

Which has me thinking…

Maybe it’s time we all sat our kids down for a heart to heart about where they should not stick their tongues. Because clearly, unlike other instinctive things like breathing, blinking, and sticking black olives on all their fingers, human children clearly do not automatically know what they should and should not lick.

Most famous case in point:

50 Things Kids Shouldn't Lick by The Bearded Iris

Infamous scene from A Christmas Story.

Folks, you may want to print this list out and laminate it so you can refer to it often and help your young children memorize it.

Kids, never ever stick your tongues in, on, or near the following objects:

  1. metal water bottles
  2. soda can openings
  3. frozen lamp posts
  4. 9-volt batteries
  5. ceiling fans
  6. escalator treads
  7. closing elevator doors
  8. electric carving knives
  9. garbage disposals
  10. food processors
  11. belt sanders
  12. circular saws
  13. electrical outlets
  14. speed boat propellers
  15. vehicle exhaust pipes
  16. dog anuses
  17. bathtub drains
  18. swimming pool filtration holes
  19. garden hoses
  20. laundry vents
  21. the wiggling ‘flashlight’ your mom keeps in her nightstand drawer
  22. cars’ cigarette lighters
  23. culinary torches used for caramelizing flan
  24. the spiral binding on your school notebooks
  25. curling irons
  26. toilet plungers
  27. subway hand rails
  28. grocery cart handles or wheels
  29. fishing reels
  30. vacuum cleaner attachments
  31. DVD players
  32. handheld gaming devices
  33. your dad’s nose hair trimmer
  34. the rusty toilet auger hanging in the garage
  35. hermit crab shells
  36. welding equipment
  37. public restroom floors
  38. used feminine hygiene receptacles
  39. ATM machines
  40. bear traps
  41. electric cattle fences
  42. lawn mower blades
  43. weed whackers
  44. pottery wheels
  45. waffle irons
  46. drill presses
  47. firework displays
  48. petting zoo exhibits
  49. cigar cutters
  50. hypodermic needle collection bins

Just you wait, at the rate our society is heading, this list could make me famous in the medical community, like the Bristol Stool Chart of Children’s Tongue Preservation.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my kids are in the driveway inventing new riding toys. Let’s hope I can persuade them to keep their tongues out of the wheels.

danger seeking kids at the bearded iris



  1. Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0

    Maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m an innovative medical genius, but, um… If the problem was a vacuum seal, why didn’t they just punch a hole in the bottle?

    • The Bearded Iris

      The swelling tongue…even after they cut the bottom off the bottle with a high powered saw, the tongue was too engorged to fit through the opening. I know. Crazy right? And hey, I’m totally impressed with your vacuum seal knowledge.

      • Katie

        Couldn’t they ice the tongue to make the swelling go down?

        • The Bearded Iris

          Oh snap – I bet those surgeons are PISSED they didn’t think of that! 😉

          • Hmmmm


    • Just a Mom

      They did cut the bottom of it off. But because the tongue had swollen (and apparantly it swells quickly) they couldn’t just pull the bottle off.

    • Karin

      Right? Someone on fb asked the same thing. LOL Maybe the kid’s tongue was too swollen at that point. *shrug*

      • Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0

        Next time I will actually click the helpful links that you provided. 😉

        • The Bearded Iris

          It’s okay honey. There were a lot of links in this one!

          • Brittany

            Yes there were a lot of links! I about died laughing and then revived just to puke when I clicked on the Bristol Stool Chart link against my better judgment and my fine Southern upbringing. Hilarious post, Leslie!

        • patty jacks

          I was surprised that one of mine did not make the list. My oldest daughter, she is 48 yrs old now, stuck her tongue to the bottom of the iron to see if it was heating up!!!!! Thank God for cold milk. It helped but the tongue was a little red for a few days. Couldn’t figure that one out, not low intelligence, she has a Masters and working on a Specialist degree in education. She is also the one that thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife…..LOL Gotta love um!!

          • The Bearded Iris

            OMG, an iron?! With her tongue. For Pete’s sake! Kids. (Bwahahaha!)

      • The Bearded Iris

        Okay – here’s the scoop – ever give yourself a hickey around your mouth by creating suction with a plastic party cup? (Nah, me neither. ZOINKS!) Well the vacuum action is what initially makes the child’s tongue begin to swell after it gets caught in there. But even after the vacuum seal is broken by puncturing the bottle, the kid’s tongue is too swollen to remove. Holy moly. Here’s another article about it happening to a different kid. 🙁 http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/19566225/girl-tongue-stuck-water-bottle

        • Brittany

          I feel so fortunate to have stumbled upon this post because although I am an adult I have been known to stick my tongue in a water bottle or two just for the hell of it. Never again.

          • The Bearded Iris

            Well I feel like I have done my good deed for the day by saving you from this horrific experience. Now let’s just hope I can get rid of my water bottles before I go and stick my tongue in there. (Now that I know I shouldn’t, I really want to all of a sudden…like a magnetic force…pulling my tongue!)

  2. Suzy

    Brilliant!!!! lol

  3. Karin

    Epic. I laughed until I cried.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Karin. And thanks for all the Facebook loving today, sweet thang! MUAH!

  4. Stefanie

    Hilarious! Another reason why you need our Vapur “anti-bottles.” They’re made in the USA, BPA-free, dishwasher safe, collapsible, and are even freezer safe. So, if they do need an ice pack- you have one on hand!

  5. Marija

    Now, that original news got me thinking: the biggest enemy of any vacuum is, simply, a hole. Hole of any kind. Like, take a simple drill and drill a hole close to the bottom of the bottle. Or take a nail and nail a hole in the bottle. Or any other way. No vacuum – no problem. I don’t thin stainless steel bottles are puncture proof, just slightly more troublesome for puncturing than plastic.
    Either that news-cast is enormously inflated, or the folks treating poor teen could not remember simple physics, or the teen was “stuck” in the bottle for hours and hours (so tongue swelled beyond usual “vacuum enlargement”).
    Now, on the other hand, most of the stainless steel bottles are covered from inside with thin coating of BPA… to make them *stainless* steel. There is really no relief from parent worry – we all got free eternal subscription to it as soon as or first born was confirmed on urine test.

    • Nicole(Whole Strides)

      I don’t know this case in and out. But, I know in past cases I read about, the problem occurred before getting to the ER. The child and the adults in the care of the child tried to resolve the problem themselves, thus causing additional swelling and trauma, which increased the vacuum effect. So when they did get to the ER, finally, it was too late.

  6. sheri

    you just get better and better – hilarious and awesome as usual

  7. RachRiot

    Great list of things never to stick your tongue in, on or near but you forgot one: Ke$ha.

    • Ninja Mom

      High five.

    • Carolina

      ^^ WINNER! ^^

  8. Ilana

    Wait, you forgot the floor at customs at an international airport. Because one of mine did that last year and we had a week of vomiting kids on our vacation last year.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Lawt. WTF, kids?! Floors in general…not a good combo with tongues.

      • Heather

        or elevator buttons. Or toilet handles. Or mall play area equipment. Or diaper changing tables in public restrooms.

        • The Bearded Iris

          Yes x4! Maybe instead of the list we should all just make them wear Hannibal Lector masks 24/7.

  9. Jennifer

    Did you forget electrical outlets?


    • The Bearded Iris

      Of course not! 🙂 It’s number 13. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen at least one of my kids attempt to makeout with a wall socket, so I’d never forget that one.

  10. Abbie

    Thanks for the laugh! I am also Glad to know that I am not the only parent that can’t figure something that seems like it should be so simple out! I should rent my son out to water bottle companies for testing their products. I don’t believe leak proof exists! (Especially if you have a temperature change involved.)
    As a side note – you need to modify #25 to read any kind of iron. As a child I wanted to help my Mom with the ironing. I had seen her lick her finger and touch the iron, but little efficiency expert that I was I thought I would skip a step and just lick the iron. Didn’t work out so well – sometimes those extra steps are important!

  11. Michelle H

    True story. When I was 8 yrs old I was sharpening pencils with an electric pencil sharpener. I remember a “slow mo” action of looking at my finger and then down at the machine. Can you guess what I did next? Thats right. Chopped up my finger pretty good. Luckily I survived. I’m so scared to see what dumb things my 2 and 3 year old are going to do….

    • The Bearded Iris

      Bwhahahaha! I’m so sorry to laugh Michelle, but OMG, that is so funny to me because I could totally see myself or my kids doing the same thing. Electric pencil sharpener is totally getting added to the list.

  12. Shell

    Tongue amputation???? Like we don’t have enough to worry about!

    • The Bearded Iris

      RIGHT?! If I didn’t find a way to laugh about this story I’m sure I’d be in the fetal position sucking my thumb right now.

  13. Ninja Mom

    Strangely, I don’t regret clicking on the Bristol Stool Chart link. I’m fascinated and want the name of the graphic designer who made those stools. They are breath-taking.

    Sharing this everywhere. You silly little genius, you.

    “Dog anuses,” amen to that.

    • The Bearded Iris

      WHAT? You had not heard of the B.S.C. before today? I feel like I’ve failed you as a friend.

      • Ninja Mom

        I also feel that you have failed me. This was my first introduction. And as the parent of two frequently constipated kids, I’m shocked I didn’t know about it sooner.

        But, is there a pee color chart out there? How about mucus graphs? Pus palette?

  14. Virginia Llorca

    Wonderful. I was a little worried about the workings of your mind but decided you are just very thorough.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Ha! Actually, both…I’m very thorough AND somewhat disturbed. 🙂

  15. Lisa Hewitt

    So glad you are back from your Highland fling! This right here. Made.My.Day. Thankyouverymuch.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh I’m still flinging it, Highland style, fo sho. But duty called. (Heh heh, I love the word duty, don’t you?)

  16. Julie

    I can’t believe I’ve never seen the BSC before! Man that would have helped when #1 had issues!

    BTW, you totally forgot ‘Mixer’ or ‘Hand Mixer’ – seriously, just the other night I made mashed potatoes and my 8 yo genius decided to lick the beaters. No biggie, right? WRONG. He forgot to unplug the damn thing first, and somehow managed to turn it on with his chin! Nipped the tip a little (heh heh), but no harm done.

    You could also add paint roller cages (the ones you put the roller pads on) – been there too. Oh, and tires. Of any kind. Because mud and dog poop look alot like chocolate. Though why anyone would ride a bike thru chocolate is beyond me!

    • The Bearded Iris

      HOW COULD I FORGET THE HAND MIXERS?! (Bet I’ve blocked ’em out because I KNOW I’ve licked those suckers in motion. Damn cookie dough.)

      • Sherry the Birdlady

        Once when I was a kid my Mom had a mixer in which the cord could be unplugged from the mixer itself. One day she unplugged it from the mixer but left the pronged end In the socket, leaving this tasty looking two holed, electrified adaptor at the end. It seemed like a good thing to pop in my 5 year old mouth. I will never forget that pain!

        Beyond that I can admit to several other violations of your list, including TWICE licking frozen metal (once a door and once a slide) and getting my tongue stuck. I’m just an orally fixated kind of girl……which makes me a great wife.

        • The Bearded Iris

          Oh honey. I’ve seen my dog do that, but never a human. Bless your heart! 🙂

  17. lisa thomson

    OMG, that would be very scary for that child. I had no idea these bottles were a hazard. I’m not sure at what age kids figure out not to put their tongues in things, but your list was excellent. I stuck my tongue on a frozen fire hydrant when I was 3 YO, yup and I’ve lived to tell it and remember it. I was outside ‘playing’ (maybe I was 4) b/c I was unsupervised and I got thirsty I guess and the glistening fire hydrant looked inviting. I couldn’t eat for a week. Special needs child, I was. My daughter put a cheerio up her nose when she was about 3 and guess what? It never came out. You’ve got me sharing my embarassing life moments…that’s why I love the Bearded Iris.

    • The Bearded Iris

      Lordy! Those are great stories Lisa! I stuck chalk up my nose when I was four and had to go to the ER, so you’re in good company.

  18. Bernie Bickers

    Whew, thank God I grew up in the 70’s, when our biggest fear was combining pop rocks & cola.

    By the way, I’d like to add a couple of your sorority sisters to that 50 point list…

    • The Bearded Iris

      We really did have such a simpler life back then. No sexting, no water bottle deaths, no bike helmets…

      …but an endless supply of Chef Boy Ardee mini-meatballs and minimum parental guidance. Good times!

  19. Nicole

    16 & 21. Best. Ever.

    And @Julie with the hand mixer!!

    How about putting one’s tongue into one’s own nostril? It’s my only fancy party trick. Please don’t add tongue boogers to the list!

    My 5 yo just put her mitten clips into her mouth. About 5 minutes after they were dangling on the side of a public toilet when she was using the potty at the mall. (retch)

    • The Bearded Iris

      Tongue in the nostril eh? Impressive!

      Oh those mall toilets were probably one of the cleaner things those mitten clips touched all day. KIDS!

  20. First Grade Teacher

    I have a licker in my classroom this year. So far he has licked: a stability ball (we use them for chairs), soap from the soap dispenser, multiple glue sticks, other kids’ ears and the bottom leg of an overturned chair. Needless to say I keep the electric pencil sharpener locked up this year.

    • The Bearded Iris

      “a licker” …that just cracks me up! I’d rather have a licker than a picker/flicker, I guess.

      • Terrie in Atlanta, Ga

        Iris, Iris ~ kids are ALL “pickers & flickers” at that age! Unless they are the more carnivorous “picker/licker,” or the more finicky “picker/inspector” . . . and yes, you can sign me as:
        Yet Another Schoolteacher

    • Rachel

      there’s a kid in my daughter’s 3rd grade class that licked his brother’s tongue. Ewwwwww…. I say that and I do have a kid who’s a licker.

  21. Linda Myers

    After I finished laughing at the post, I laughed some more because one of the ads on the page was for “Imprinted Sport Bottles,” you know, the plastic, BPA kind…..

  22. Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table!

    Well…. sh*t. That’s it! They are drinking out of puddles like the dogs! At least a de-worming would cause them to loose any body parts…

  23. Teri

    I love coming here, I get an education every time I visit you. The Bristol Chart. That’s one I never thought I’d see, and yet, I came here and boom, there it is. Thank you, Leslie, for that fantastic and informative list. Thank God I read that or I would not think twice when my kids were licking the escalator treads or the belt sander next to the rusty toilet auger hanging in the garage. You’ve saved my children’s tongues.

    Not sure if I should thank you for that or not.

    But you DID make me laugh and I thank you for that. 🙂

  24. Elizabeth

    I gave up a long time ago. Kids are one of the most inventive things on the planet; they WILL think up a way to maim/kill/disfigure themselves. My oldest cracked the growth plate in her wrist by hyperexending it on the recliner. My best advice to all new and used parents; invest in bubble wrap and hope for the best.

    Mom to 3, Grandmother to 6, and survivor of approximately 50 “disasters that never happened.”

  25. Maggie S.

    see. it’s a ridiculous world.

  26. Jen @ Cuddles and Chaos

    My friend just told me that this morning when we went for a walk and I took a swig from my cool metal water bottle. What the hell, man?!

  27. My Half Assed Life

    Your list is hilarious, but I thought having an older sibling dare you to stick your tongue on a 9 volt batter to “test” it was a rite of passage?

  28. Nicole(Whole Strides)

    I read about this a while ago, and now I’m scared of my own bottle! I’m afraid my tongue is going to get sucked in somehow. Unrealistic, I realize, but the fear is there nonetheless!

  29. Jasmine

    SO funny.

  30. tracy@sellabitmum

    They are going to stop selling water bottles aren’t they? lol

  31. Jester Queen

    As a kid, I once got my tongue stuck in the spiral notebook binding. Yes I did. And I wasn’t little. I was like in the eighth grade. And I was already pretty ostracized. And I pretty much ripped it out. I have no memory of what made me want to do that. Taste? I do remember the vaguely pleasant metallic tang. But I got stuck on the little poky end part and practically pierced the thing getting free. I told the teacher I bit my lip, because Jesus I wasn’t stupid enough to ADMIT it when I finally did get loose. But seriously? Like the whole class probably didn’t see me back there wrestling my notebook???

  32. Jane

    Cigar cutters- I don’t know why but that just cracks me up!

    • The Bearded Iris

      Oh Janie, my Father-in-Law has one that looks like a mini guillotine blade that slides through a round cigar-sized (or tongue sized) hole. Swear to God. He keeps it right on the coffee table. Every time we would take Bucket Head over there to visit when he was a toddler, it was the first thing he would pick up with his pudgy little baby hands. I had to hide it every dang time I was over there. I’m surprised BH never amputated a finger or his wiener or SOMETHING with that mofo. Honest to Pete. 🙂

  33. SMD @ Life According to Steph

    Dog anuses. DOG ANUSES.

    I’m dead. I died from laughing too hard

    • The Bearded Iris

      Well that makes ME laugh, so thank you!

  34. JD Bailey @ Honest Mom

    HA! This is hysterical. As usual. Your list is KILLING ME!

    BUT – here’s #51: Metal clothes hangers. Don’t let your kids lick those either. Trust me. I was shopping with my then-2yo at TJ Maxx. I turned to look at socks. She put a clothes hanger in her mouth and it momentarily got stuck. *shudder* No damage, amazingly. Just a mentally traumatized mama.

  35. Liz

    I licked the neighbor’s wallpaper to see if it tasted like fruit. I looked just like the lickable wallpaper in Willy Wonka. It was torture waiting to finally be alone in that kitchen to get the lick in.

  36. Debra

    I’ve always wondered why the opening was so small myself. To match soda bottles? Crazy if you ask me. I love the wide mouth bottles myself. I raised 5 kids to adulthood without too many crazy things happening. I think the worst thing that I can remember was my oldest daughter licking an electrical outlet, even after I told her a million times not to do it. Well one day she must have had a juicier mouth andZAP! I think her braids stood out on each side of her head for 5 minutes. (kind of like Pippi Longstockings!)

    She’s 28 now and still remembers it, and constantly reminds her own daughter of the dangers!! LOL

  37. Sue Salisbury

    Just peed my pants…hysterical. Two things I was thankful for after watching this on the news. 1) I’m no longer an EMT having to deal with the upcoming rash of responses to “I didn’t think it would really get stuck!” 2) I no longer work in the customer service call center for the company that sells these types of water bottles.

  38. Kristi

    Damn. Rachriot took my addition to the tongue game. 🙁

  39. Carrie

    I threw mine away immediately! I thought “Hey, could be overreacting but after he stuck a plastic bead up his nose and we had such a fun trip to the ER because the pediatrician was closed, eh…. I’d rather drop cash on new safer bottles”

    • The Bearded Iris

      Supposedly there is a “flip-top” or “sports-bottle” attachment cap you can buy in the water bottle aisle of some stores? I don’t know though…I have had such bad luck with those leaking! My kids like the Camelback plastic ones, but they ruin those mouth pieces by chewing on them like a couple of teething puppy dogs. {sigh}

  40. hollow tree ventures

    The seat on the train that circumnavigates the zoo for tours isn’t a great thing to lick, either. Thanks for the PSA, though – tonguing a bottle sounds exactly like the kind of thing one of my kids would get dared to do at school.

  41. Cath

    Thank you for a fabulous mix of pants-peeing hilarity and parenting education. How do you manage it? Perhaps you could look into these great bottles. They’ve been a staple in our house since the big BPA scare a few years back. http://www.kleankanteen.com/
    Unless your kid has a supersized tongue, I can’t imagine it’d get stuck in this hole.

  42. Kate

    Shit. I guess I should tell my straight-A kids about this… they are book smart, but sometimes lack those ever-important street-smarts… 😉

  43. Rachel

    My oldest (who has some sensory issues) used to lick the car windows. It was when we found her licking/sucking on soldering lead that I realized it had gone too far.

    I’d also list “your siblings” in the “things not to lick” list. As well as dice, dinosaurs, and the cat. But we might have an issue with my well-over-3yo kids licking/sucking on things. One kid even chews paper so much she accidentally chewed up her Webkinz code… whoops!

  44. Debbie

    Two things that I have experience with, or at least first hand knowledge…do not like toilet seats (my Nephew apparently did this when he was with my Mom, in a public washroom on the ferry) and do not get under a table in a cafeteria and like the table leg! This was my daughter, also on the ferry, I was about 8 months pregnant at the time and very big, she was 2 years old…because of my protruding belly I could not bend down to pull her out from under the table! It must have been a pretty funny site for anyone watching! lol

    • Debbie

      That should have been “lick”, not “like” toilet seats and table legs

  45. Sandy

    OMG! Worse than snorting coffee is getting an ice chunk caught in your sinus cavity from snorting ice water. I almost died thanks to this post. I can’t believe nobody commented on the “wiggly flashlight” (GASP).

    Anyway, I may have missed it, because of the massive brainfreeze, the laughing tears, and my upper respiratory failure, but I didn’t see potato peeler on the list. My advice to new parents is to keep tin snips in the first aid kit.

    • sparkling74

      Well, I think we all know what the next Today Show clip will be about: why reading while drinking is going to kill us all. I hope they do a graphic for us so we can all understand this hidden danger.

  46. Kristen

    You are all missing the MOST important part of this post, which is HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET YOUR BOOSTER SEAT SO CLEAN? Tips please. Seriously. That is an impressively clean car seat. I’m a bit of a neat freak, but my kids could still probably find enough nutrition to last them a week just by licking their booster seats.

    • The Bearded Iris

      PREACH! That is clearly my “extra” car seat booster which must have been sitting in the garage (unused). Girl, my car seats are so gross, my dog waits next to the car whenever the doors open…not to “go bye-byes,” just so he can grab a quick snack.

      • Kristen

        That makes SO much more sense! Although my “extra” booster is filthy as well. 😉

  47. Andi Brown

    Please…PLEASE…never ever ever stop writing. Or oversharing. You complete me. You make me feel more normal-ish.

  48. sparkling74

    Well, as long as they strapped themselves into that booster seat on wheels, I am sure everyone was safe.

    And I was certain that was your dog’s red rocket in that water bottle!

  49. Robin Jingjit

    I can still remember the exhilarating tingle of battery to the tongue. I’m totally going to teach my kids that.

  50. The Sadder But Wiser Girl

    ROFLMAO! Leslie! How could I miss this post! You know what the sad thing is? My son would be the one being warned about all of these things… Yes he is a LICKER! There is nothing in the state of Iowa that he has not licked. He is famous for contracting strep throat two years in a row right after getting pictures taken at the Target Portrait Studio. What? When? Why? How? He licked the table with the magnetic cars in it both years. He’s also licked a doorknob in a Casey’s bathroom. I love him to pieces, but I can really think of better licking choices.

    You are really doing us parents of “lickers” a great service by making this list. I shall print it out and laminate it so my son can read it (the laminating is so it’s not ruined when he licks it…)

  51. Kelly

    #21 really deserves its own separate public service announcement. The safest thing to do is to invest in a small safe to house it.

  52. Mod Mm beyond IndieDom

    I saw this segment on the Today Show too. I couldn’t believe it. Okay, yes I could. I was thinking about writing about it, but I was still reeling from Al Roker’s unfortunate visit to the White House. I’m glad I went with the Al story, because I couldn’t have said it better than you have here. Your list is for the ages. There’s gonna be a run on laminate, let me tell you. Dog anuses. HaHa. We have three dogs. That one is very helpful! 😉

    • Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom

      Spelled own blog name wrong. WINNING.

      • Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom

        My first comment disappeared.

        In a nutshell:

        #16 was my favorite. We have three dogs. That’s a laminator right there.

  53. Melissa

    My son went through a phase where he licked ant hills…well, one day we went to visit my mom and my son started licking the ant hills at her house and she let out a scream of “NO!” The previous day she had put ant powder all over the driveway to get rid of all the ants. The following day, my son came down with a fever and I rushed him to the doctor afraid it was a side effect of ingesting ant poison! When I told the doctor I was afraid my son was poisoned with ant poison from licking ant hills I was given “The Stare and The Raised Eyebrow.” Apparently, you can’t run a fever from poisoning according to her so I had just given up my bad parenting of letting my son lick ant hills for nothing!

  54. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    Once again you have provided a public service – laughter. Thanks! Ellen

  55. Ashley Austrew

    Are you kidding me? My god. We’re thisclose to just having to lock our kids in empty rooms with padded walls and call it a day. Except, you know, they might suffocate on the padding or hit their head on the floor or the padding might contain lead. Ugh.

  56. Danielle

    Awww mom…but 9 volt batteries are so much fun 😉

  57. Sarah L

    No 9V batteries? Really? Because my husband has been trying for YEARS to get our kids to lick one of those. Unfortunately for him, we have girls, so they haven’t show any interest yet.

  58. Gwennybuck

    I think I peed on myself when I got to the dog anus part!

  59. Jessica

    This post just brought back a memory of when I was young and my parents took us to some festival downtown and a man was carried away on a stretcher and when I asked what happened someone said he choked on his tongue so I bit down on mine for days so that I would swallow it. Thanks for the repressed memories :).

  60. Scarlett

    Hahahaha this is the best list ever. Seriously! x

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thanks Scarlett! 🙂

  61. jenlarson

    Just came across your site on the Circle of Mom’s top 25 funny moms. Gotta say, you had me laughing out loud with this post! I even snorted when I saw your kids’ new ride…that’s totally something my kids would do! Thanks for the giggles 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Pleased to meetcha, Jen. Thanks for stopping by! Glad you enjoyed the post and thank you for leaving such a nice comment!

  62. Missy

    Loved this one so much I just read it again. I have never, and will never, erase from my brain that image of a tongue stuck in the bottle.

    After a long, mind-rotting break from school, I’m thinking I should print your list for my kids. I’ll post it next to their chore chart.

  63. Meredith

    Having a full-on “I hate parenting” kind of day, and this last graphic made me snort so hard, I am thinking maybe I’ll survive. And thanks for the list–very helpful 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      Thank you for being here, Meredith! Love you!

  64. Andrea

    This is a really, really good list. I vacillate between being alarmed that my children might get their tongues stuck in water bottles like this and trying to do it myself.

  65. Jessica

    I never heard this news story. Thank you for instilling more paranoia into my life.

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