There was a story on the Today show yesterday morning about couples having plastic surgery together.

I think.

I was choking on my All Bran too hard to hear the whole thing.

“The look is natural and appealing to everyone,” says BOTOX® patient Nancy Emmitte of Fort Worth, Texas.

Alrighty then.

Clearly “natural” means different things to different people. Like the people who call MSG “natural flavoring” on the back of the Ramen Noodles bag.

Nancy, you look so familiar to me. I can’t place my finger on it, but you definitely remind me of someone. Hmmm….

Is it this lady?

No… not quite.

How about her:


Oh, I know…

There you are! Hello, you.

I’m often the last one to know these things, but is there a new beauty trend? The higher the eyebrow arch, the closer to God? Why would anyone want to always look so surprised?!

And this look requires needles, people. Needles in the face. Needles filled with live botulism… a toxin that paralyzes your facial muscles so as to flatten out those pesky furrows.

But hey, to each his/her own. Who am I to judge? I have a beard! You say po-TAH-to, I say Pinot Grigio.

But this isn’t just about Nancy. Women have been doing stupid shit to themselves in the name of “beauty” since the beginning of time. What makes this story special is that Nancy’s husband Nick is going with her and having his own BOTOX® injections so he can “keep up with” his wife’s good looks.

Pack your emergency kits, folks. This is surely the beginning of the apocalypse.

“Make me look like I’m not mad,” said Nick right before the Nurse Practitioner jabbed him with a poison filled needle right between the eyes. Youch!

Ironic. I would think dropping $400 every 4-6 months to temporarily paralyze your forehead with injectable toxins would actually make someone feel, and thus look, MORE angry. Maybe Nick wouldn’t have so many deep set wrinkles if he wasn’t blowing his money on “his and her” Frankenfaces.

Not to pick on Nick and Nancy. Their friends are doing enough of that for all of us.

I don’t know what burns my biscuits the most about this: the pandemic of low self esteem or the ridiculous amount of money being spent on something so shallow.

According to Today, Americans spent nearly $10.7 BILLION on procedures in 2010, which was up 9% from the year before. Is there really that much extra money floating around our country? Damn. Can I have some?

“People are trying to look more well rested, younger… trying to get jobs, maintain their jobs, get clients… I think that has a lot to do with it,” speculates Vanessa Sisson, Nurse Practitioner.

I get that. This would be a scary time to be without a job.

But you know what else is scary?…facial paralysis.

Get that toxin injected too deep or too low, and HOLLA… you don’t look well rested or younger. You look like Droopy Dog.

I don’t know about you, but if I’m hiring someone, I’m probably NOT going to pick the guy who looks like he might fall asleep with his face in the soup at our next big client luncheon.

And the idea of couples doing this TOGETHER? This isn’t tennis, or golf, or a wine tasting. This is an elective surgical procedure. 

Gosh, I hope couples who get facial injections together don’t get all hot and horny and leave the doctor’s office all hopped up on the “we’re going to look so hot!” wave. Apparently you’re not supposed to rub the treated area for at least twelve hours after your BOTOX® procedure and you are told not to lie down for three to four hours after treatment or the toxins can spread and effect the wrong things. (According to FaceForum.)

D’ya hear that Nick and Nancy? No rubbing. No lying down. You don’t want your new BOTOX injections to migrate to your eye area and cause blindness! Then you wouldn’t be able to see how hot you both look. 

I just don’t get it. But then again, I don’t get a lot of things…like Planking, or Owling, or butthole bleaching.

We need a revolution. We need brave men and women to take a stand against this ridiculous pressure to look young. And the revolution is going to have to start from within. We have to stop comparing ourselves to the photoshopped or surgically augmented images we see in the media and start accepting and loving ourselves for who we are.

And this needs to happen now. Our children are watching. People are hurting themselves, exposing themselves to ridiculous risks, and in the end, they are looking worse than when they started.

Remember when we were teens and we slathered ourselves in baby oil to get that savage tan (while sneaking our moms’ Virginia Slims). And now we’re all having suspicious moles the size of nickels removed from our backs? (No? Just me?) And here we are decades later buying sunscreen shirts for our kids and putting on hats and sunscreen before we even go outside to get the paper?

Think about that.

What are all these BOTOX-ed people going to look like in 20 years?

image credit

No thank you.

Go look at yourself in the mirror right now and tell yourself, OUT LOUD, three things that you love about yourself. Bonus points if you get nekkid first. Go ahead. Do it. I’ll wait.

YOU. Are. Beautiful.

Now start taking better care of yourself, from the inside out.


© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

PS – I have no way of controlling the ad that is going to appear below. If it is an ad for plastic surgery, DO NOT CLICK IT. I beg you.